I survived a dangerous hostage situation this afternoon.
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TheFinalThird
Posts: 315 Member
I was driving south on Hillcroft Avenue in southwest Houston about 2:50 p.m., this afternoon, when I was taken hostage. My captor? A seriously dangerous and desperate guy named Hungry Me. I haven't seen much of him the past seven months. When I have, I've been able to pacify him with baby carrots, an apple, a serving of salmon sashimi, and the like. But today, he was back with a vengeance. Nothing I could do or say would deter him.
From the nether reaches of my head, I heard his voice, deep, loud and rumbling ominously.... "Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I mean now, mu**afu**er." I gripped the steering wheel and made a mental calculation regarding the distance to the nearest KFC. It was about 1.2 miles ahead of me on the right.
Hungry Me didn't have a gun. Oh no... he had access to two weapons that are far more lethal. My self-esteem and my self-control. You see, for about the past 10 days, a confluence of health, personal and business factors has combined to weaken my resistence to food and my will to exercise regularly. The worst offender has been a nagging cold that has caused me to blow my nose more in the past two weeks than I had from childbirth to age 50. Plain and simple, when I feel bad, I soothe myself with food. My most comforting foods are anything with more than 30 grams of fat and 600 calories per serving. Combine my bad cold with a very full and hectic work schedule, and let's just say that the past ten days or so have been a big challenge eating and exercise wise.
For days, I have been telling myself, "I'll get back on track.... TOMORROW." Then, tomorrow comes, and something always seems to weaken my resistence to food and will to exercise. Today, being a Sunday, is usually my worst day for unexpected binges. Sundays were tailor made for long, lavish brunches, early family dinners at favorite restaurants, and snacking in general. Today, however, I drew a line in the sand. Today would be my Waterloo. My Alamo. I could not let this string of meh exercise and blah eating days continue for even one more day.
Which is why it terrified me so when Hungry Me grabbed me from the back seat of my minivan and threatened me menacingly if I did not steer straight and true to the nearest KFC.
We pulled into the familiar parking lot. I mean, you don't get to around 480 pounds without being VERY familiar with your local KFC's parking lot. I debated going through the drive through and destroying all of the evidence of my mindless binge before I got home. I realized that if I had any chance of negotiating with Hungry Me, it would mean stepping out of the car, walking into the store (along with the 7 calories that such actions would burn), and thoughtfully examining any reasonable options to--- dun dun dunnnnn..... The Usual.
When you go through the drive through of a local fast food establishment, and they ask, "Good afternoon, Mr.TFT, would you like... The Usual?," you know you have an eating disorder. Well, my The Usual would make most of you sick to your stomaches. In fact, it would fill most of your stomachs all at the same time.
The Usual -- 2 extra crispy breasts (2 x 490 cal) + 2 extra crispy thighs (2 x 370 cal) + 1 Potato Wedges (290 cal) + 1 mac and cheese (170 cal) + 1 cole slaw (170 cal) + 2 biscuits (2 x 180 cal), all washed down with a large Pepsi (380 cal). All told, 3,090 calories and a bazillion grams of fat and simple carbohydrates. And maybe 1 gram of fiber.
I knew that if I did what I was planning to do, and ate what I was planning to eat, I would be Hungry Me's ***** for the rest of the day, maybe for the rest of the week, or possibly even forever. I decided to negotiate in order to save my own life.
"Hey Hungry Me.... I know you want The Usual. And I promise, you'll get it. Every bit of it. But can I ask a favor first? We've never tried the KFC grilled chicken. How's about if I get you 2 pieces of that (220 cal x 2 = 440 cal, 14 grams of fat, and 80 grams of protein), we wait 15 minutes, then if you still want The Usual, I'll buy it for you. Deal?"
Hungry Me thought for a minute and decided that it was a reasonable suggestion. So I ordered the two grilled breasts, paid for them, and sat down to consume them. Thankfully, they were ripping hot, forcing me to eat more slowly than I usually would have in the presence of Hungry Me. By the time I finished the first breast, I knew it tasted really good, and was sort of, but not totally satisfying. So I ate breast #2.
Then two really weird things happened at the same time. First, I realized that the two breasts (and their 80 grams of protein, and yummy, salty, peppery, rosemary flavored crust) filled me up to the point where I didn't want The Usual anymore. Second, Hungry Me vaporized into thin air.
I shook my head, happy that I had survived such a harrowing and dangerous hostage situation. As I got back into my minivan (7 more calories burned), I was grateful that I had the presence of mind to bargain with Hungry Me in an effort to save my own life. And I realized that I hadn't needed to blow my nose in about 20 minutes. Maybe this cold is finally going away. Perhaps I will find my iPod headphones and push myself out the front door for a brisk walk before the Academy Awards comes on this evening.
It's 4pm. I have 500 calories left for my 350 calorie dinner of grilled mahi mahi, romaine salad and roasted carrots that I am too full to eat right now. Maybe.... just maybe... I might be all right, after all.
From the nether reaches of my head, I heard his voice, deep, loud and rumbling ominously.... "Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I mean now, mu**afu**er." I gripped the steering wheel and made a mental calculation regarding the distance to the nearest KFC. It was about 1.2 miles ahead of me on the right.
Hungry Me didn't have a gun. Oh no... he had access to two weapons that are far more lethal. My self-esteem and my self-control. You see, for about the past 10 days, a confluence of health, personal and business factors has combined to weaken my resistence to food and my will to exercise regularly. The worst offender has been a nagging cold that has caused me to blow my nose more in the past two weeks than I had from childbirth to age 50. Plain and simple, when I feel bad, I soothe myself with food. My most comforting foods are anything with more than 30 grams of fat and 600 calories per serving. Combine my bad cold with a very full and hectic work schedule, and let's just say that the past ten days or so have been a big challenge eating and exercise wise.
For days, I have been telling myself, "I'll get back on track.... TOMORROW." Then, tomorrow comes, and something always seems to weaken my resistence to food and will to exercise. Today, being a Sunday, is usually my worst day for unexpected binges. Sundays were tailor made for long, lavish brunches, early family dinners at favorite restaurants, and snacking in general. Today, however, I drew a line in the sand. Today would be my Waterloo. My Alamo. I could not let this string of meh exercise and blah eating days continue for even one more day.
Which is why it terrified me so when Hungry Me grabbed me from the back seat of my minivan and threatened me menacingly if I did not steer straight and true to the nearest KFC.
We pulled into the familiar parking lot. I mean, you don't get to around 480 pounds without being VERY familiar with your local KFC's parking lot. I debated going through the drive through and destroying all of the evidence of my mindless binge before I got home. I realized that if I had any chance of negotiating with Hungry Me, it would mean stepping out of the car, walking into the store (along with the 7 calories that such actions would burn), and thoughtfully examining any reasonable options to--- dun dun dunnnnn..... The Usual.
When you go through the drive through of a local fast food establishment, and they ask, "Good afternoon, Mr.TFT, would you like... The Usual?," you know you have an eating disorder. Well, my The Usual would make most of you sick to your stomaches. In fact, it would fill most of your stomachs all at the same time.
The Usual -- 2 extra crispy breasts (2 x 490 cal) + 2 extra crispy thighs (2 x 370 cal) + 1 Potato Wedges (290 cal) + 1 mac and cheese (170 cal) + 1 cole slaw (170 cal) + 2 biscuits (2 x 180 cal), all washed down with a large Pepsi (380 cal). All told, 3,090 calories and a bazillion grams of fat and simple carbohydrates. And maybe 1 gram of fiber.
I knew that if I did what I was planning to do, and ate what I was planning to eat, I would be Hungry Me's ***** for the rest of the day, maybe for the rest of the week, or possibly even forever. I decided to negotiate in order to save my own life.
"Hey Hungry Me.... I know you want The Usual. And I promise, you'll get it. Every bit of it. But can I ask a favor first? We've never tried the KFC grilled chicken. How's about if I get you 2 pieces of that (220 cal x 2 = 440 cal, 14 grams of fat, and 80 grams of protein), we wait 15 minutes, then if you still want The Usual, I'll buy it for you. Deal?"
Hungry Me thought for a minute and decided that it was a reasonable suggestion. So I ordered the two grilled breasts, paid for them, and sat down to consume them. Thankfully, they were ripping hot, forcing me to eat more slowly than I usually would have in the presence of Hungry Me. By the time I finished the first breast, I knew it tasted really good, and was sort of, but not totally satisfying. So I ate breast #2.
Then two really weird things happened at the same time. First, I realized that the two breasts (and their 80 grams of protein, and yummy, salty, peppery, rosemary flavored crust) filled me up to the point where I didn't want The Usual anymore. Second, Hungry Me vaporized into thin air.
I shook my head, happy that I had survived such a harrowing and dangerous hostage situation. As I got back into my minivan (7 more calories burned), I was grateful that I had the presence of mind to bargain with Hungry Me in an effort to save my own life. And I realized that I hadn't needed to blow my nose in about 20 minutes. Maybe this cold is finally going away. Perhaps I will find my iPod headphones and push myself out the front door for a brisk walk before the Academy Awards comes on this evening.
It's 4pm. I have 500 calories left for my 350 calorie dinner of grilled mahi mahi, romaine salad and roasted carrots that I am too full to eat right now. Maybe.... just maybe... I might be all right, after all.
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Replies
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You should write a book, that was epic haha0
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OMG, this made me laugh. You did good, sir, very good. :flowerforyou:0
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I . Love. This. Story. I bow to you in awe and admiration.0
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:drinker: Cheers to a great success and fabulously entertaining tale!0
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You showed him who's boss!!! :flowerforyou:0
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Beautiful, funny and familiar as ever - Nicely written Mr TFT xx
And Yay for outsmarting Hungry Me - He is a clever chap!!0 -
Great story. The Colonel with his secret blend of herb and spices gets me every time.0
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Beautifully written, and CONGRATULATIONS ON KICKING A**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Awesome. You did great!0
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I'm so glad you have become so adept at negotiations with Hungry Me now. Instead of mindlessly caving in, you worked out a solution that you could, literally, live with. Well done my friend, you are gaining so much more than you are losing... you're no longer a hostage, you are IN CONTROL! I am proud of you!
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You are an inspiration!0
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HAHA! That was FANTASTIC!!0
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fantastic! :drinker:0
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you are awesome.0
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Awesome story!!!0
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Congratulations to you on your remarkable journey!!!! Not easy warding off the beast but you did it today and you'll do it tomorrow!0 -
So glad you survived your hostage situation! Well done.0
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Thank you for writing such a great story! I am confident that I have too been stalked and taken hostage a few times by Hungry Me. Kudos for making a healthier choice and not giving in to Hungry Me. I wish you luck on your journey & look forward to hearing about your progress in the future. Keep it up 0
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Bravo!0
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If I may...I would like to buy the movie rights to this harrowing situation. Have your lawyers speak to my lawyers to negotiate a price. :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:0
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