Feel so unattractive

jamesjamesonil

I should be celebrating success - and I feel okay much of the time - as I am down 45 lbs. from my peak. I'm 5'11 and 172 pounds. Yes, the avatar is me.

Instead, I feel that members of the opposite sex view me as unattractive. Yesterday, I accompanied my wife to a 5K she was running in. I blew out my knees several years ago. I can run short distances, and a 5K would be a stretch for me. I was thinking about training and trying to get back out there this year.

I hate going with my wife to her races. I love and support her, but I feel the people running in the races - especially the females - think I'm unattractive, unhealthy, disgusting, a loser, etc., for not competing. I think my wife doesn't respect me because I don't have the ability to compete at her level. For me to run a half-marathon in under two hours? Forget it, kid.

It's a nice day here so I went out for a run instead of working out indoors at the gym. I thought it would be a good use of time. I timed myself for a mile run hoping to set a new personal best and was disappointed at the result. Forget doing a 5K this year; I don't want to make myself look foolish.

My wife tries to tell me that I am attractive, etc., but the compliments ring hollow with me. I am sure if I got out there and did a race that she and her running buddies would laugh at whatever my time was.

I think I'll just take up golf. I have no aspiration to be good at it. So, when I hit the ball poorly, I don't care. When I hit it well, I'm actually surprised.

EastFork

Lots of people walk those races. Some walk them faster than some of the runners. Some walk part and run part. Be one one those guys. Compete on on whatever level you can but compete.

Sqeekyjojo

How about trying some other sport instead of running?

For example, whilst she runs, you could be the guy who does swimming instead. Or rowing or cycling.


Most people will be more interested in their own times, their own feelings, whether they have a SO there to support them. Heck, I hated it when onstage and every other musician had at least one person come specifically to see them, but my then so-called SO refused to walk a whole 250 yards from my front door to the venue.



You need to get over your own feelings of unworthiness and find something that makes you feel good. And carry on supporting your wife. Because there are plenty of people out there who haven't got somebody in our corner to cheer us on.

Ed98043

As a female, I can tell you that you're either attractive or you're not. It doesn't matter of you're running in the race well, running badly, walking, or whatever - it has nothing to do with your attractiveness level. If anything, I'd think more highly of a guy who was there on the sidelines supporting his wife, since it's a pretty selfless thing to do. Unless of course you're only there to hit on women while your wife is running. That would make you a douche.

Which brings me to my second point: Why are you so preoccupied with your attractiveness level to women if you're married?

And lastly, pinning your happiness on how attractive you are to the opposite sex is a recipe for misery later in life. Your profile says you're 39 - so your head-turning days are waning. You'd better find another way to measure your self worth because your looks are guaranteed to go.

ajlandon

I used to be a runner, but can't (or rather, it would be best if I wouldn't) anymore because of a leg injury I got during a half marathon back in 2005. I took up hiking and biking after that and haven't looked back. I still go to the running events to support my friends, though, but if I tried to run right now, I'd be lucky to make it a mile before having to stop.

Is there something else you like to do? It doesn't have to be what you think people want you to do, but something you enjoy? Even something like Ultimate Frisbee or rowing? I never thought I'd enjoy lifting weights, but I can't go a couple of days without my barbell now without missing it. I love hiking and biking, too, because I get to do it outside.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down right now. If it doesn't get better through finding some different goals for yourself, maybe seek professional help? Could be chemicals instead of a funk =\

sarah12277

If you want to do a 5K with your wife, there's plenty out there that are not timed. I did The Color Run last year. I walked the whole time with plenty of other walkers surrounding me. It was a blast. There's many copy cats so I'd highly suggest looking into one that you can do with her.

AlanTuring

The real secret to the whole thing is to stop pinning your self-worth on the perceptions of others, because they will never fail to disappoint. And the reason for that is because they're all tied up in their heads, same as you are, and don't really give a **** about what you're doing or who you are. No one has time to sit around and think "Oh, is that guy not participating? Well, I'd imagine that it's probably not for one of several valid reasons, but rather because he's a disgusting slob."

The real terrible secret to it all is that no one really cares. Sure, people step out of their zones now and then, so it's not universally true. But it's close enough. A bit of North Carolina slang I've picked up since I moved here says it best: Ain't no one stud'in you. Unless you're somehow standing out in a blatantly obvious way (And being one of a fairly decent sized group that isn't running a race doesn't qualify) then no one is really giving you more than a passing thought, and they surely aren't constructing the cruel little scenarios in their head that you think they are.

Just realize how little everyone else cares, and you'll be amazed at how freeing it is.

commandax

There's more to life than running. Find something badass that you really like to do. Take up a martial art, start rock climbing, or take a hip hop dance class. Don't worry about how others perceive you, just be awesome for yourself. I really believe you just have to feel sexy and carry yourself with that knowledge for other people to start seeing it in you.

cazzer69

First world problems eh?

Junken_Diraffe

As a female, I can tell you that you're either attractive or you're not. It doesn't matter of you're running in the race well, running badly, walking, or whatever - it has nothing to do with your attractiveness level. If anything, I'd think more highly of a guy who was there on the sidelines supporting his wife, since it's a pretty selfless thing to do. Unless of course you're only there to hit on women while your wife is running. That would make you a douche.

Which brings me to my second point: Why are you so preoccupied with your attractiveness level to women if you're married?

And lastly, pinning your happiness on how attractive you are to the opposite sex is a recipe for misery later in life. Your profile says you're 39 - so your head-turning days are waning. You'd better find another way to measure your self worth because your looks are guaranteed to go.

I'm gonna disagree with this in a lot of ways. Guys are lucky in that the older they get, the more attractive they become, in a lot of ways. Also, measuring your worth based on the attraction to others isn't great, but i TOTALLY understand that it's nice to be looked at a certain way. When I was married, it was still nice to get the second look from time to time!

I think you're not feeling great about yourself, and projecting those thoughts onto others right now though. I HIGHLY doubt anyone at that race, or in your every day life thinks of you as unattractive because you can't run. Try something else. Golf is actually great for ya! Go out, walk the course, and enjoy it!

melaniecheeks

All those negative thoughts? They're just in your head - nobody is actually thinking that about you at all.

And when you're running? You don't have to beat anyone else. The only thing you have to battle with is the little voice in your head that says you can't do this.

I'm running a half marathon later this year. I don't run fast, so I know if I do it in under 2 1/2 hours that'll be an achievement! But the time doesn't really matter - its the getting out there and running that does.

And if you're married - why on earth are you worried about how attractive you are to others?

skinnyinnotime

I bet the people at the races are thinking nothing about you and have their mind on the race they're in. The problem is with you, if you think you're not good enough that's not going to change until your mindset does. Seriously, that many people are not thinking about you!

When I find a man attractive it has nothing to do with whether he runs in races, I can tell you I have never ever had this thought in mind.

Cr01502

Oh come on.

There's no way this is for real.

Spartan_Maker

Assuming that you're not trolling (and I hope you are trolling), pick something at which you excel and crush it.

penguinlally

Lots of people walk those races. Some walk them faster than some of the runners. Some walk part and run part. Be one one those guys. Compete on on whatever level you can but compete.
[/quote

Yup that's me! I can't run (ortho says I need 2 new knees--yikes) but I can walk pretty dang fast! We did The Color Run and walked it and actually did pass up some joggers! Plus it was so so sooooooo much fun!

axialmeow

People just do not pay that much attention. They are there to run and are not concerned with the fact you are not running. Trust me!

1ConcreteGirl

If this is for real, you obviously have terrible self esteem. THAT is what makes a person unattractive.

lithezebra

You're acting like your own worst enemy. Take your wife's support at face value. A lot of people are not cut out for running. It is especially punishing if you have any joint problems in the legs, hips, or back. Just tell people you're there to support your wife, which makes you look like the great husband that you are. Pick your own sport that you enjoy.

Proyecto_AN

Compete against yourself. Nobody is going to make you a parade.

MB_Positif

Awwww...first of all, there are LOTS of spectators at races! Some of the ones not running might just be there to support a friend. Some might not be runners at all. For all those people know, you are a cage fighter. As long as your wife is happy with you, don't worry about what others MIGHT be thinking!

777Gemma888

I am a serious runner and my first impression of you is ... Dayummm! The last sentiment you should be feeling is unattractive. The snippet is hot! We gals don't need a heck of a whole lot to get us going.Having said that, I am certain the women who run with your wife don't perceive you any less than she does, just because you're not a runner at their level. I wouldn't mind if my man runs or not; I'd much prefer he doesn't. Running is my free time; My me time. He can be on his bike if he needs to come along. Where I am the men drive ahead or drive along and we women tend to dominate the running tracks. It's not to say that we don't think it's sweet when a boyfriend or a hubby attempts the route(s) and tries to keep up. Oddly those of us who aren't intimate with them are more sensitive to an injury they may sustain and will actually slow down the core-group to run with or even walk. Men out here use "the outdoor gyms" - the actual and the impromptu, as their avenues of keeping abreast with their wives/women during the workout. Or cuter still - they walk the dogs.