Desperate I Am

desperateiam

I guess the title says it all, i never thought that i would ever post on a public forum or even admit my weakness and despair.
I'm a 37 year old married man who's been struggling with his weight for most of his adult life.
At 18 i was 185lbs and now I'm 286lbs.... I tried every single diet but all what i initially lost i gained back with few extras ponds.
my wife is very fit and encourage me to eat healthy, and although i pretend to do so, i never miss a chance to over eat when she's not around especially at work or during my daily commute.
My weight is really affecting my self-esteem, i avoid meeting some of my wife's friends because I'm ashamed of myself/ for her (although she's very supportive and always begs me to meet her friends), i refuse to go to family gatherings and pretend that I'm busy at work.
In my mind i want to lose weight, however i always give up to temptations and end up over eating.
I have a desk job that bores me to death and all i do is snack to kill time.
I'm really desperate and believe that I'm eating myself out of a marriage and eventually life.
My wife confronted me today, told me that she loved me, however t she wants to have fun, travel, go to the beach, have friends; that my weight is preventing us from doing these activities. It was the first time she confronted me and although i knew she was 100% right i took offense and denied everything.
I don't know why i'm sharing this, i just wanted to vent and share my pain with people that can relate to it.
I want to change, i want to lose weight, i want to be happy again.
I'm 286 and i have no place to go but down!

MyChocolateDiet

are you by any chance related to say hi for me if yes.

Sambytheway82

You've made a start by being on here if you want to add me as a friend for support your more than welcome xx

Icaw

I really hope that you can work this out with your wife and feel comfortable with yourself sooner rather than later!
The weight can be lost, it comes down to finding what approach works for you.

RoseDarrett

First off.Well done on choosing a great wife.She sounds like an amazing woman.Second of all,what is the real reason why you over eat?

Thirdly,Until you're really ready to make a difference,no one can make you lose weight.
You are the only one in control of your body.I wish you all the best.Good luck in your journey!!!!

red0801

Here is a great place to start:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12

I have found the most success by looking @ my lifestyle & habits more, and the next great thing less.

meshashesha2012

sorry you're having such a hard time.

my advice if to stop being in diet mentality. diets dont work as you've learned. what works is making small changes in your lifestyle that will be things you can live with for the rest of your life.

you more than likely have years of bad habits like most of us on here, which means you're going to need to relearn new habits. also there's also kinds of emotional, mental and spiritual reasons why someone lets themselves get so large. only you can know your issues but in order to let them go (and the subsequent weight) you need to figure them out and work on them.

slow and steady wins the race!

just follow MFP guidelines for eating (dont talk yourself into eating less because you think that'll help you lose weight quicker because you've probably gone the deprivation route before and look where you are), incorporate some exercise or activity into your daily life and give it time.

:flowerforyou:

acogg

You can do this! The first thing is a positive outlook! No more negativity or negative self-talk. Shame will not get you there! Admit what you are doing right. Build from there. Add at least one more positive action each day. Completely ignore everything negative, including negative people. Tell your wife that you are recomitting and let her help you. Dance!

Bownzi

Good to have you here... i too was around your weight but have started to lose since i have been here... its a great place to lose weight...

chriswhudson

It takes 3500 calories BURNED to lose 1 lbs. for example:
if you ate 2800 cal a day x 7 days = 19600 calories consumed a week
if you burned 3200 cal a day x 7 days = 22,400 calories burned a week
22,400 -19600=2,800 net burned for the week it's not quite a lb lost but it's .8 lost


How do you know what you burn a day? look up BMR and enter your body data. I know all the pills and stuff the world promotes sound great, none of them work, they only increase the amounts of calories burned a day by small amounts and surpress your appetite, but if you don't know your basic calorie intake or your basic burn a day, nothing can help you manage the outcome. I explain this to say that I have lost 45 lbs in 6 months and I work out roughly twice a week, but walk 3 miles 3 days a week in the summer............hope this helps.................

grapegorilla13

Here is a great place to start:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12

I have found the most success by looking @ my lifestyle & habits more, and the next great thing less.

I agree with the above. That link took much of the guess work out. The idea of eating like the person I want to be is an easy one to shoot for. I was similar to you in finding myself much heavier and needing to finally address it. Getting started is the hardest part. For me, I like gadgets, so I bought a few to monitor my intake and progress... a wifi weight scale, bluetooth heart rate monitor, iphone app, and this site are (so far) keeping me motivated.

I am surprised what I have learned through tracking my food more closely.

Feel free to add me.

redpaisleyrose

Your last line is scary........ the one about going down . You could keep going UP!. But you can go down, you deserve to be happy, Your wife loves you. Get some help and be honest with her, she is your best friend. Write your food down, and get an idea how many calories you are taking in daily. THEN you will be ready for the attack!. You can do this, many have, you are not unique, you have many friends in the same boat

jackaroo21

Its time to get your confidence back. There is no better place to fo that than in the weight room. You will drop pounds and gain strength and feel like a new man. Try starting strength or strongloifts 5 x5 to start. Lots of people on here doing it and getting great results. You might just get the lifting bug. You will surprise yourself, just do it.

GillaMahogany

Hi Desperate Guy!

I'm really glad you posted here! I think that was step one in what will be a long but rewarding journey for you!

I think that telling your wife exactly what you just told to us, even letting her read you post, would be a really great next step for you take. She needs to know everything you just told us.

After that, may I suggest you go and see your doctor for a referral to a nutritionist or dietitian or personal fitness trainer. I really think that having a professional with you on this journey could be very beneficial. You might also consider seeking a counselor. There's a lot of big emotional and physiological experiences that come with working hard towards a goal like this. Having somebody to talk to about it, and give you tips on how to deal with it could be one thing that keeps you on track!

I would also encourage you to physically write down several goals, a heap of short term ones, and two or three more long term goals. Having specific, identifiable goals that you can point to will help you see where you are improving, and where you need to step it up. Lots of little goals is better then one big one.

I hope this helps, if you'd like to add me as a friend I'd be happy!

jenj1313

Read this:

http://www.gainsthroughloss.com

It will keep you from being board at work for a little bit at least, and I think you might find it inspiring. There is also a podcast mentioned that might help.

I also eat when I get bored / stressed at work. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been able to cut out the snacks altogether except for ONE cookie. I did it by planning out my meals, making sure each one of them had 30g of protein or more, and forcing myself to eat THOSE before I could snack. The other thing I do is bring a bag of cut up veggies and sprinkle them with something called "bacon salt"... this seems to cut down on my craving for salty snacks. If I'm desperate for something sugary, I keep a stash of Atomic Fireballs in my desk... they are so hot that they kill my craving for chocolate, etc.

Now... another questions might be whether there are underlying factors that are causing to not really want to lose weight? Are you depressed (sounds like maybe?), or have you had some other mental stress that keeps you from being able to change this habit? If so, counseling for those issues might help.

Good luck!

ETA: I eat 5 meals per day, 4 of them at work. I don't eat breakfast at home because it doesn't seem to "stick" if I eat that early and I just end up hungry an hour later. Instead, I eat meal 1 within an hour of getting to work. Lunch and dinner are moderate sized, but the others meals might just be a protein shake, a couple of boiled eggs, a can of tuna, etc. I use fruit and the cut up veggies if I find myself wanting to snack in between. Seriously, there was one day that I ate 3 apples, but I figure that's better than candy (I'm a physical therapist and I see about 14 pt's per day... I used to grab 1, 2, 3 or more mini chocolate bars EVERY time I went up front to call a patient back... that adds up fast... there's NO WAY I can eat that many apples!).

I have also given up "traditional" (for me, usually sweet) breakfast foods because they don't seem to fill me up and it's hard to get 30 grams of protein in. Now, my breakfasts usually include grilled chicken breast or some other kind of meat. One of my favorite breakfast combos is 4 oz grilled chicken with 1/2 a baked sweet potato. I know it sounds weird, but it "sticks" way better than other breakfast foods for me.

VitalNutritionResearch

Do you love your wife? If you do then listen to her. It's hard to change, I know I had to. The truth is all you have to do is decide to do it, the details of how to do it will follow. Don't try "diets" they don't work. Lasting change comes from a shift in lifestyle. The most important thing is to decide. Then you can focus on strategy (eating plan, exercise, new activities to replace habits that don't serve you).

Liatush

Set yourself up with a reward - something you really want. Then, instead of sitting in front of the computer all day, snacking, take walks, make small changes, but stick to them. After a little while, make slightly bigger changes - run, etc. You can do it, if not for yourself, do it for your marriage.

Lt_Starbuck

screw cardio and weight loss for a while. Focus on eating awesome and getting strong. Once you have that solid foundation, start working in some cardio.

You need some WINS for a little while so you can handle how tough the beginning can be.

Find the parts you LOVE - even if it's just the bench press. gotta have SOMETHING to look forward to all week, right?

pixie_pix

Hi there and welcome, good to have u with us!

Saying it's a simple thing to to is a lie! Saying that it is too hard to be done, too!
I live in a similar situation. My man is a very healthy man. he is a bodybuilder and always in motion, even though he has a sweet tooth just like me..
He never said a word against my extra kilos. He shared his (mostly unhealthy but oh so tasty) food with me and together we enjoyed the yummy things... only difference: he went to the gym 5 times a week and worked it out and I watched growing it on my belly... When I started to change things I was about 110 kg (220lbs I guess) and now after 3 month I am close enough to see the beautiful 90 on the horizon ;o)

And now here I am: Doing it because I wanna do it. I made a plan and started to eat healty things (mostly). I cook more, try to buy "good food" from ecological working farms and try to do it different. (as long as no one tries to take my coffee from me, everything is fine...)
And I go to work out now about 3 or 4 times a week... found some classes which make fun and make me feel good. I try to walk more steps every day and try to use the bus or metro less and lesser. I try to do all the things which I do like and which benefits me in the same time.

Maybe this little hints help you to find your own way... you can do it... but only if you do it your way.
I think the hardest thing is to deal with the fact that your job bores you and you compensate it with snacks... is there any way to change that to the better? Taking new projects adding responsibility? Or just taking healthy snacks with you to substitute the "bad" ones? I personally try to eat as much fruits as I can - Strawberries and Ananas make a great snackalong ;o) Or sometimes I just empty a glass of Cornichons and feel fine )

And last but not least: Don't be ashamed of your extra kilos! You can do more than you think! Walking, swimming, dancing, what ever! As long as you like it you can do it. Sometimes maybe a little slower in the beginning but you will become stronger and more agile every day even with little efforts. Don't be afraid to sweat and get a red face... just do it again and again and again until its become a habit and you start loving what you do!

Stay in touch if you want I hope you will find your way to be happy again!

Cre8veLifeR

sorry you're having such a hard time.

my advice if to stop being in diet mentality. diets dont work as you've learned. what works is making small changes in your lifestyle that will be things you can live with for the rest of your life.

that! Food can be a "friend" - when you chew you release happy chemicals in your brain. You need to give youself permission to eat what you want, but not ALL you want. And start exercising! Do activities you enjoy. Be honest with your wife too - she sounds great, and you know what? So do you! You deserve to be happy and the food isn't the solution. (((hugs)))

peacek

You are the boss of what you eat. You are what you eat!

gregr072

Hello! Feel free to add me as well. I"m a 33 year old guy working to consciously make decisions about the foods I choose. So far I'm finding MFP to be a great tool to see where my calories come from and what actually fuels my body. I think you'll find having a community of people working towards similar goals is really helpful.

jsgp614

I think admiting is the first step towards change. It seems like a good place to start being with some non judgemental strangers. Good luck on your quest and be kind to yourself. Losing weight is the greatest act of self love at this stage of the game for you (it seems).

BreakingUpWithObesity2013

You just have to know that you are good enough to do this. Its the hardest thing you'll ever have to do...but once you start and take it day by day and see the results it motivates you to do better each day. I have tried and failed many times....I lost 40 lbs before and gained it all back and then some...now im trying to get all that back off. You can do this and be glad you have a supportive wife! Step one is being honest with yourself which you have shown today. Don't snack behind her back bc you'll only feel guilty when its over. Take control and show yourself you are good enough. You can add me for support if you'd like

made2wonder

I admire you for looking for help to get your health on track. I agree with the folks who say to take things one step at a time. You can target a few specific habits to change, like not eating in the car, for example. Then it is not so overwhelming and you can see some positive results before tackling something else. Good luck to you!

PJmetts

WOW! Except for the age I would have sworn this was my husband, I guess I wish it was. Good for you coming here, there is awesome support and a lot of good info. I can't add anything to what was said, just that I will support you also if you need a friend and I'm glad you came here.

coke_bottle

You have no place to go but UP!!!!! Pick yourself up and stand up str8 and Do what you know to do!!!!:happy:

Eyesblu

It is apparent that your wife loves you. She cares about your health. You took the first step by being on here today.

Silver82

I'm glad you've found MFP. This place is a great resource for help and direction. You need to take this step by step, looking at the big picture can be very overwhelming, but it's completely possible.

You're welcome to add me as a friend for support. I've been down a very long road myself full of ups and downs and I'm more than happy to help.

dkgoetz

I think you came to the right place!

Here are some tips I can think of - if cutting out the snacking hasn't worked, try changing what you're snacking on. Replace "bad" snacks with fruits or veggies, or even low-cal versions of the things you're already munching on. For example, I could polish off a bag of chips at my desk without blinking (or thinking!) and have replaced the chips with lightly salted sea salt almonds (still gives me the salty crunch I'm really looking for). I portion out a serving and put the bag away, because if I'm still hungry after the portion I can have more, but it usually works out that I'm no longer hungry after.

Another tip - involve your wife! She sounds like a really great supporter already and I'm sure if you asked her for help she would be there for you. Between the two of you, you can regulate the foods that are available in your house, exercise together, etc. She is your biggest fan :]

One thing I find great about this site is the accountability - I record everything I eat, even if it's something I feel guilty for later. The other thing is the people here, and outside this site, who cheer me on when I have successes and encourage me to do better when I fall. Feel free to add me if you like, I'm on daily!

grimendale

It can be done. I'm 29, and a litle over a year ago, I was at 290. I'm at 195 now and I feel so much better and more energized. It's going to be hard and there will be days when you want to give up, but if you stick with it, you will see results.