real talk.... about adoption surrogacy and sperm banks...
Replies
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It is a pretty nice place
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Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.
I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).
Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.0 -
Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.
I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).
Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.
Wow......this whole response is kind of bitter and judgemental. I am a single parent by choice.....I chose to get a divorce. Single parents are very capable of parenting effectively.0 -
for sure..... women today make it horrible for the father if they are not together.. and lets face todays percentage of staying together isnt to hot.. everyone knows atleast one giy who has went through complete hell with his childs mom.. always raping men for child support.. and i mean rapping.. when i didnt have full custody we had joint custody.. we had her equal amount of time each week.. i still had to pay $1000 a month in child support for one child.. no i have full custody.. you know what i get.. $15 a weekThe headaches = a relationship with the mother?
Wow! If you have joint custody here you pay nothing. Your right, it isn't fair you can't adopt as a single person.0 -
So when i can provide better than middle income families by myself and give undivided attention to a childs needs im being selfish?? Hmmm interesting.. i think the best for the child would be to give them every opportunity in the world to succeed. Show them love affection and respect.. for a child to never have to worry about how college is paid for.. i dont know. I guess everyone sees things differently.. but i want my to go out into the world with a college degree not $100,000 in debt and have the ability to live life to.its fullest because nothing ever held them.back0
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A 2 parent household in no way guarantees a happy, healthy childhood.0
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i was raised by my mother and i turned out awesome...A 2 parent household in no way guarantees a happy, healthy childhood.0 -
Quality over quantity.0
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Hi
I am completely against adoption .it's a selfish thing for the benefit of the adoptive parent - I was a "secret child" put up for adoption shortly after I was born.
I spent my childhood not relating to any of the people around - I was simply not like them in anyway. I did trace my real family as an adult however they "closed ranks", said they didn't like me and refused to have anything to do with me....a terrible source of heartache...
Think carefully before taking someone else's child.....
Ian0 -
I am sorry to hear Illinois has such antiquated laws, I think parenting is the hardest job on earth. Custodial parents who use child support for anything but making sure a child has the best start in life need to be called on by the courts by the non custodial parent. Seriously.
As a woman and a stepmother, I can tell you that I am super proud of the job my husband did raising his son as a custodial parent and we enjoy spending time with my stepson and his wife on vacation and seeing them launch their careers. The heartbreak of watching his daughter struggle who was raised by his bitter ex wife is a tragedy.
Every child deserves a loving parent who gives their all .... if two people can have a great relationship and commitment to each other and raising a child , even better !0 -
Look, I don't know your situation. I'm sorry if you fell in with someone who didn't treat you well. But not all women are like that. Maybe it's the ones you're picking. Being a d-bag is an equal opportunity gift, lots of men are horrible too.
But seriously, if you're expressing 1/20th of the hostility you're showing here, even inadvertently, I can't imagine why anyone would give you a kid to adopt. And I would think hard about the messages you're giving your daughter about women. And about her mother, too. If her mom's a d-bag, it'll be up to your daughter to figure it out for herself, because later on, she might hate you for hating her mom. Even if you didn't do anything wrong.
I don't think he displayed any hostility. He is frustrated with the system. I am a single guy with no kids of my own yet I know many MANY women who endup getting custody and get a huge amount for child services, only a small percentage of which is for the child.
Are there women who are actually good. Of course. However, OP would like to take the guess work out of whether he would be getting screwed down the line or not. I don't see no harm0 -
Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.
I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).
Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.
I don't even... what?
So a guy doesn't want to put up with a woman while trying to have a child and he's bitter? And no, you dont' NEED a female or a male. Many gay couples, and single father and mothers have raised perfectly fine children thank you very much.
Simba was raised by 2 guys. You know what he was? The king of Africa!0 -
I truly hope you find a way around this, I can't understand why you cannot adopt, how awful
there are so many children crying out for homes. 0 -
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] for sure..... women today make it horrible for the father if they are not together
That's a pretty rotten generalisation isn't it? After 17 years of marriage my husband left me with a 3 yr old son and only sees his son when he wants something from me, for example: he saw his son every other weekend for about 2 months when he wanted me to lie through my teeth on the paperwork to get his new Japanese wife a visa to live in Britain, but this year he has only seen his son for one weekend. Personally I don't care if I never see him again but I've bent over backwards to get him to keep regular contact with our son, as I think it's important that a child grows up knowing both parents. He only gives me £5 per week child maintenance and spends nothing else on his son. I've even paid for the food when he goes to see his dad, despite his dad having about twice as much disposable income as me. So, this woman does not make it horrible for the father, I make his life damned easy by making excuses for him to his son as to why he never sees his dad.
Don't think this is an anti man rant because I have a good friend who has twins with a previous partner and he sees them religiously every weekend and does everything he can for them but his ex still makes it as difficult and awkward as she can for him and is a real ***** to his new partner, who he met about 3 years after the mother of his kids left him for someone else.0 -
I really feel for you and hope you can find a way around this.
As for the people against 'single parenting'...Get off your high horse. Sometimes its in the best interest of the child to have a single parent raise them. It sucks to have your parents stay together and raise you when they're blatantly unhappy. Honestly i'm sure having one parent to love you, adopted or not, is better than having nobody.
Your daughters lucky to have a father who can be a man and raise her. Good luck to you.0 -
Of course there is anger.. any woman can go to a sperm bank and have child alone. Now a man wanting to have a child alone is almost impossible.. it is a horrible society. Court systems.. all court systems unless you can prove an unfit mother will grant custody to the women.. doesnt matter if she doesnt have a job or a home or anything.. men should have equal rights.. if we want a child we should be able to have one.. plain and simple..
Where I'm at it is 50/50 unless you prove someone incompitant. No matter where the child is better off. No matter what mean spiririted things either party might do to hurt the other that will have an effect on the child later. The system everywhere is all sorts os twisted. They make blanket rules when every situation is different.0 -
I give you credit! Your awesome for doing it on your own. When I met my husband he was raising his then 3 year old all alone. Now 8 im in his life and I plan to adopt. I hate that people assume the males are "low lifes" when it comes to who gets the children etc. Women are not always the best choice. I wish they didnt do that in your state you sound like a great guy and deserve to get what you want!Im a 32 year old male i have one child and i have her full time.. i have always wanted another child.. but i dont want the headaches.. i looked into adoption or hiring a surrogate... but this is illegal for absingle male to do in the state of illinois.. i think this is pure hippocracy and bull ****.. a single woman can go to chicago walk into a sperm bank buy a popsicle bingo bango out the door.. i make a couple dollars.. i have raised my daughter alone and she is awesome.. so whats the deal. Why the bull poop..
Opinions???
Its so upsetting to me know know a mother can take off without their child ( my situation) yet men who are being a great dad on their own gets treated this way....Im sorry. Good luck to you!!0 -
I am adopted. My mother is was single at the time and still is. She also adopted my cousin making him my baby brother. She had a daughter of her own who became my big sister. I always knew my story. I HAVE A WONDERFUL ADOPTIVE FAMILY. I always knew my biological maternal side and knew my biological mother. Unfortunately we were never able to get it together and have a relationship. When I got older and wanted to meet my biological father my mother made the call. I have become a part of his family. I have two younger half siblings. When my biological mother was on her death bed I was given yet another gift ....I went to her and thanked her for the wonderful life she gave me. I apologized for the fact that things never worked out for she and I and I told her I most importantly wanted her to have a clear conscience in regards to me. I wanted her to pass with peace in her heart. I thank God everyday because that event started my journal of forgiveness in my life. I HAVE HAD A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH FAMILY THAT LOVES ME AND THAT I LOVE REGARDLESS OF HOW WE ARE RELATED. I AM TRULY BLESSED BEYOND ALL BELIEF. I am happily married to the love of my life. We wanted children. Our own and I always envisioned myself adopting. Unfortunately I had fertility issues and it took losing weight , trying all options for two years, surgery, and finally fertility drugs. We were blessed with a baby boy nine and a half years ago. My husband thankfully had the courage to admit that he is not sure he could love someone else child as he loves his own. He was afraid he would always show favoritism or something and he knew a child deserves better. Some may find that selfish but not me. I APPLAUD HIM FOR BEING HONEST. For that reason we did not peruse that option any further.
Here is why a went through all that. Adoption is a beautiful thing. A great act of love. And just as with anything else it all depends on each individual and the situations that go along with it. No one can say in the beginning how it will work out. Same applies to every other decision we make in our everyday life . I did not find the original poster as hostile. I heard frustration. Frustration over many things including but limited to policy, society, life not turning out the way we thought it would work, hurt, love, commitment. If we are all honest we all have and feel the same way at times. We need to cut people some slack.
My advice to original poster.....keep loving your daughter....keep chugging along....if another baby is what you want keep looking for ways to do that but don't say never as you do not know what God will bring your way!0 -
Wow that's a tough situation. I skimmed through some of the responses and everyone had some good points. I agree that men generally get the shaft when it comes to child support, especially lower income men who have half their paycheck taken and then is expected to survive. Not only that but jail hanging over their head if they don't pay. On the other hand, there is a lot of dad's who are pure garbage who's children are better off without them in their lives. As far as you not wanting to be in another relationship, that's your choice. I'm not sure why people are trying to say you are hostile and bitter because you are making that choice for yourself, internet psychologist's I guess. The fact that you can't adopt because you're a single man is bogus. There's got to be some sort of civil right being violated. If you are well off, stable and loving towards your child there should be no reason you can't adopt. Good luck with everything OP.0
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Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.
I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).
Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.
Wow......this whole response is kind of bitter and judgemental. I am a single parent by choice.....I chose to get a divorce. Single parents are very capable of parenting effectively.
DID YOU EVEN READ WHERE IT SAID EXCEPT FOR DIVORCE??? I very, very, clearly stated it.
I am not going to explain myself further on this subject.0 -
I am shocked at the responses on here. I think anyone that can prove that they can provide the necessary income, and stable environment and is a stable caring person should have the right to care for another human. How many parents do you know that are not good at being parents.
How many horror stories do you hear about foster homes and adoptions. I think everyone here needs to go visit a state or government run children's home or homeless shelter. Go see what an unwanted child looks like.
This man wants to care for another child, and feels he can provide what a child needs on his own, all the power to him! If you want to judge him, what are you doing with your time that is so much better for the future of our world?0 -
Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.
I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).
Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.
Wow......this whole response is kind of bitter and judgemental. I am a single parent by choice.....I chose to get a divorce. Single parents are very capable of parenting effectively.
DID YOU EVEN READ WHERE IT SAID EXCEPT FOR DIVORCE??? I very, very, clearly stated it.
I am not going to explain myself further on this subject.
I did in fact read it, and I think your point is pointless. The marital status of a person is irrelevant to their parenting skills.0 -
A nice man I had no relationship with, just a mutual friend, once offered me a sizeable amount to carry his child to term and then hand her over, relinquish custody. He only wanted to keep it if it were a girl. If it were a boy he wanted no ties but would pay child support. He wanted it all in writing and legal, and I really needed money at the time. I declined, even though ideally a boy would have been welcomed by me. And I find girls worrisome. It would have solved my financial problems at the time either way, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it, morally, emotionally, psychologically. I'd still miss my daughter whether I felt I could handle one or not. I'd still feel my son would benefit from more than just his father's money.
Anyone I have told this story to IRL (and it's been very few) has been appalled that I even considered it for even a split second. They judge and question his motives in wanting a girl only. When I tell them he already raised a valedictorian son, and had always wanted a girl to spoil with his financial means, I still get this :huh: . People are suspicious. They expect very little from men. The end.0 -
A nice man I had no relationship with, just a mutual friend, once offered me a sizeable amount to carry his child to term and then hand her over, relinquish custody. He only wanted to keep it if it were a girl. If it were a boy he wanted no ties but would pay child support. He wanted it all in writing and legal, and I really needed money at the time. I declined, even though ideally a boy would have been welcomed by me. And I find girls worrisome. It would have solved my financial problems at the time either way, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it, morally, emotionally, psychologically. I'd still miss my daughter whether I felt I could handle one or not. I'd still feel my son would benefit from more than just his father's money.
Anyone I have told this story to IRL (and it's been very few) has been appalled that I even considered it for even a split second. They judge and question his motives in wanting a girl only. When I tell them he already raised a valedictorian son, and had always wanted a girl to spoil with his financial means, I still get this :huh: . People are suspicious. They expect very little from men. The end.
The bit that would have made me suspicious about this was that he didn't want a boy. I know he had already raised one, but nature doesn't give you the choice, usually you gets what you gets. If he had wanted simply another child, it would seem less odd.0 -
real talk.... about adoption surrogacy and sperm banks...
I had seriously considered using a gestational surrogate to have my children 4 years ago and I was on the fence as to where I wanted the sperm to be sourced from - a friend or advertise and pay for a donor who would be willing to relinquish all rights, every possible option but for the traditional. I considered this route because I'd wanted to have my children but I didn't want to allow my body to go through the damages of childbirth, until the following year, when I got fat and I'd realised that I can withstand the weight gain that comes with pregnancy.
In this regard I do pity you Brandon, that you are incapable to opt in, to having a child when and how you want/choose to. Women are open to more options. For us women, the quandary is moreso whose seed will fertilise your eggs?
Many I've read in here are extremely combative and passionate with senses of entitlement when it comes to how a child is to be made and reared. Further to that, they're also opinionated when it comes to how a parent should engage with their children and to most who are vocal, if you are even remotely financially-secure, you are evil, incapable and unfit as a proper parent.
Back when I was 20 (my 2nd year in the States), both my sister and I were offered attractive sums of money in NY to be the surrogates and to donate our eggs towards the actualisation of some fairly comfortable individuals' dreams to start their families. Much like Chocolate had shared earlier on this thread, I too was reticent to have my child be raised removed from me ~ a part of me. So in that respect I do understand and applaud your preference to hiring a surrogate to carry your baby vs adopting, granted adoption and foster-parenting aren't options you're disregarding. You're a good man.0 -
A nice man I had no relationship with, just a mutual friend, once offered me a sizeable amount to carry his child to term and then hand her over, relinquish custody. He only wanted to keep it if it were a girl. If it were a boy he wanted no ties but would pay child support. He wanted it all in writing and legal, and I really needed money at the time. I declined, even though ideally a boy would have been welcomed by me. And I find girls worrisome. It would have solved my financial problems at the time either way, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it, morally, emotionally, psychologically. I'd still miss my daughter whether I felt I could handle one or not. I'd still feel my son would benefit from more than just his father's money.
Anyone I have told this story to IRL (and it's been very few) has been appalled that I even considered it for even a split second. They judge and question his motives in wanting a girl only. When I tell them he already raised a valedictorian son, and had always wanted a girl to spoil with his financial means, I still get this :huh: . People are suspicious. They expect very little from men. The end.
The bit that would have made me suspicious about this was that he didn't want a boy. I know he had already raised one, but nature doesn't give you the choice, usually you gets what you gets. If he had wanted simply another child, it would seem less odd.
Yes for most of us. For a man who had spent way too many years being rich and choosing precisely what he wanted at any given moment, that point had gotten away from him a little.0 -
I am shocked at the responses on here. I think anyone that can prove that they can provide the necessary income, and stable environment and is a stable caring person should have the right to care for another human. How many parents do you know that are not good at being parents.
How many horror stories do you hear about foster homes and adoptions. I think everyone here needs to go visit a state or government run children's home or homeless shelter. Go see what an unwanted child looks like.
This man wants to care for another child, and feels he can provide what a child needs on his own, all the power to him! If you want to judge him, what are you doing with your time that is so much better for the future of our world?
^^^^I agree with this. I think if the child is provided with a great enviroment to grow and thrive in it shouldn't matter if it was a man or woman that was raising he or she. Good luck with everything and keep up the great work with your daughter. You are setting a great example and she is very lucky 0 -
Hi
I am completely against adoption .it's a selfish thing for the benefit of the adoptive parent - I was a "secret child" put up for adoption shortly after I was born.
I spent my childhood not relating to any of the people around - I was simply not like them in anyway. I did trace my real family as an adult however they "closed ranks", said they didn't like me and refused to have anything to do with me....a terrible source of heartache...
Think carefully before taking someone else's child.....
Ian
I am so sorry to hear about your sadness at being adopted, I am sure there are lots of children that have been adopted that have had bad experiences also.
But there will be lots of children that have been adopted that have had really good lives, that have then gone on to find the maternal/paternal/biological people that have spurned/welcomed them?
There are lots of children that have been raised by their biological parents that have been abused and ditched.
If the OP is wanting to offer a chance to some child somewhere that is in care then that child should have the opportunity.
Nobody can say for sure if a child is going to be a happy adult no matter who raises it!0 -
Hi
I am completely against adoption .it's a selfish thing for the benefit of the adoptive parent - I was a "secret child" put up for adoption shortly after I was born.
I spent my childhood not relating to any of the people around - I was simply not like them in anyway. I did trace my real family as an adult however they "closed ranks", said they didn't like me and refused to have anything to do with me....a terrible source of heartache...
Think carefully before taking someone else's child.....
Ian
How can you be against adoption? You don't think that a young woman who is in no position to raise a baby should give the child to someone who wants a child, but cannot have one? I'm sorry your experience was not a good one, but your attitude is that of someone trying to ban automobiles because they were in a car accident. It's a wonderful thing for many people - adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents, alike.
OP, please don't give up. There are adoption agencies that can help single men adopt, and I am sure you will find another child to raise and love.0
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