Partner is making it difficult to exercise

Sweet_Potato

I see a lot of posts about food sabotage, but do any of you have a partner who is opposed to you exercising?

My partner recently went from being at work about 14 hours a day (and continuing to do work when she got home) to not working at all. She's been sick and is suffering from depression and anxiety, and is seeing a lot of doctors to get those things treated. When she was working all the time I got into an exercise routine-- it was something to do while she was busy working, and I looked forward to every day.

Now that she's home all the time she gets upset when I leave to go work out for 45-60 minutes. I plan on backing off on my workouts to 3-4 times a week, but my barre and spin studio is doing a challenge this month: if you do 30 classes you get 30% off the next package you buy. I was initially really excited about the opportunity to challenge myself, and about the potential to save $120. But now she get so sad and angry when I leave to go to a class. I feel this isn't fair to me, but it doesn't change the way she feels. I can't get her to come with me because she doesn't like barre and one of her doctors says she shouldn't do spinning. Any advice on how to handle this situation and still meet my exercise goals is appreciated!

1980karen

That's a really tough one! I have a husband who works 12-13 hour shifts and we also have two young children. I have found lately that he is making me feel really guilty for going to the gym when I should be spending time with him as we don't get much time together . I can only go when he is off to look after the kids. It has got to the point where I have totally cut back on gym visits and starting to feel really wobbly again!
If you do figure something out, let me know so I can try it with him!

poedunk65

I look at it as it is their problem, not yours.

They need to understand that everyone needs "me"" time.

TavistockToad

she gets sad and angry? have you asked her why?

if she misses you, get her to go with you, and sit in the coffee shop while you do your class?

or do something she can do? walking, swimming etc?

but i think you also need to explain that you may be together, but that doesnt mean you cant have separate interests. it isnt healthy living in eachothers pockets 24/7

LavenderBouquet

If you're really opposed to just going to work out despite their feelings, you could try and work out at home, even if for only half of your workouts.

2credneck208

For me during the week is fine, I workout when the kids are napping, but the weekends are terrible. Last night I was in the middle of 30ds and my husband unlocked the bedroom door because he wanted me to help him push a truck! I was so pissed, I guess I kind of got a workout pushing the damn truck, but still. Next time I will take the key in the room with me.

kellyg55

That is really hard. Is your partner willing to start working out at home? If so you might want to try a fitness program you can do together (P90X, Turbo FIre, Insanity) etc.. If your partner started to workout they will probably have more energy and might realize why you enjoy it too. I am a beachbody coach. Let me know if you would like some more advice.

Faye_Anderson

Definitely not your problem, I don't care if it's your partner and they are "depressed" no-one should hold you back. My husband lost his father 2 weeks ago, he's been off work and we've had to arrange and hold a funeral and he's NEVER asked me not to stick with my usual routine, obviously I've been there for him and made sure he's ok but he's never been selfish about anything :flowerforyou:

axialmeow

Sometimes.....you just have to take care of YOURSELF.

dakotawitch

This is a hard one, indeed. I'm the partner in my relationship that has from time to time suffered from unmanaged depression and gotten clingy as a result. And so I say this out of my own experience: Her suffering and feelings are valid, but the way she is making you responsible for them is ****ty. I say this as someone who had to take a looong look at my own behavior once I started to get my depression under control, and realized that I had done some of the same things to my partner at the time -- tried to make her feel guilty for taking care of herself and not me, tried to sabotage her self-care because it was easier to try to drag her down with me than to lift myself up. I'm epically NOT proud of that period of my life, and I am amazed my gal stayed with me through the darkest parts of it.

One thing that might help is to tell her that you can't be a good support for her if you don't take care of yourself -- and that you want to be able to support her through this rough time. You need to care for yourself, or caregiver fatigue is going to set in, and then you're BOTH going to be in a bad place.

If it's that she is anxious or afraid to be alone when you go to class, talk to her about what might help that -- could a friend come over, or is there a coffee shop or other place nearby your studio/gym she could hang out? (I get the extreme anxiety that can come with depression -- been there myself.) Ideally, when they get her meds and therapy or whatever on track, she will feel less anxious and abandoned. But you can't let yourself be completely subsumed by her illness while y'all wait for that to happen.

Hang in there. Depression is rough, and some days, the black dog wins. But you stand a better chance of being able to be there for her on those days if you are in top form yourself.

CrystalDreams

Invite her to go with you. Or find a way to include her.... It isnt fair to you but I understand where she is coming from because I am in the same boat.
Defiantly keep working out.

just reread your post. so she cant spin but she can walk right? If you include her in other parts of working out it could help both of you.

GamerLady

If she's a depressive person she probably feels very insecure as well. You should talk to her about how she's feeling, and how you feel as well. Try to find a compromise that the both of you can deal with. Perhaps she could bring a laptop/ipad/kindle...etc with her to go to workout with you. When someone is depressed it's good to get them out a bit, sitting by themselves or isolating themselves is not good. She's probably not intentionally trying to make you feel like crap about going out, it's her depression. You know her best though, we're just a bunch of strangers trying to help out. You really gotta talk to her and work it out.

Sweet_Potato

she gets sad and angry? have you asked her why?

if she misses you, get her to go with you, and sit in the coffee shop while you do your class?

or do something she can do? walking, swimming etc?

but i think you also need to explain that you may be together, but that doesnt mean you cant have separate interests. it isnt healthy living in eachothers pockets 24/7

Yes, it's because she misses me. I don't think stationing her in a coffee shop is going to help. I've told her I need just that hour of time to myself (I think it's necessary to keep myself balanced while trying to support her) but she still feels I'm being selfish.

mleech77

I have run into a similar problem with my wife. She's mentioned that I don't spend as much time with her anymore because I'm working out 6 days a week. I pointed out that I'm doing the majority of my workouts at a time where she's not home, or when she's sleeping. Occasionally one of my workouts will run over a bit and she'll be at home and awake. We ended up having a rather frank discussion, and I told her I'm not just doing this for me, but for us and for our future. I want to feel better, be healthier, live longer, and hopefully be a good example for our future children. She's still not happy with how much I'm working out, but she's a bit more understanding now.

fitbum19

Ithink it's her problem. You are only asking for an hour, not like it's all day. If she can't at least let you have that, then you may want to reconsider your choice in a partner. I understand that she's sick and all, but you will still have the rest of the day!! Geez.

You don't need to change your routine because she's home.

cmeiron

It's definitely challenging to figure out how to maneuver through situations like this when your partner is dealing with depression/anxiety. The only advice I would give is that you have to give yourself permission to take the time for yourself, even if your partner gets upset. Set some ground rules and a schedule (so your absences are predictable) and explain that you understand how she feels but you need to take the time. Be consistent (i.e. be home when you say you will), and try to make time that's just for the two of you to hang out (also, if you can convince her to do some light activity together, even a walk in the sunshine, that can help alleviate some symptoms). The truth is, though, that if she's really low she may not take any of this well, and may not look at the situation rationally, and may act out (angry, tears, accusations, withdrawal). There's nothing you can do about those reactions, because it actually has nothing to do with you - it's about her illness. Do your best to stay calm, and stick to your ground rules/schedule. It is really important to take care of yourself, so you can be healthy and provide support properly without getting burnt out or resentful.

sPaRkLiNgLYFE

give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you're going to workout and you'll be back in 45-60 minutes. she will live.

sakuragreenlily

Sometimes.....you just have to take care of YOURSELF.

Exactly!

There's absolutely no reason why you SHOULD feel guilty for going to work out, so don't. If your partner insists on trying to make you feel guilty then they are being very manipulative... She may not realize that she is being manipulative, but she is...

Just give yourself permission to not feel guilty about it and take care of yourself.

EDIT: Or actually just listen to cmeirun's comment above... it was stated beautifully

Calliope610

As the wife of a man diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain, I can say with all certainty that you can not make your partner get better or feel better. Your partner's health is not going to improve by you neglecting your health.

After years of feeling responsible for my husband's state of mind and well-being, I finally realized there is not a damn thing I can do to make him "get better". That is the job of his medical doctors and his psychiatrist.

I have to take care of myself so I can be physically, mentally and emotionally able to support my husband. I learned long ago that sitting on the couch next to him, sitting in his depression did nothing for him and was debilitating to me.

Although I have just recently been going to the gym, eating healthier and being more mindful of my overall health, I have already seen changes in my husband's attitudes. He has expressed interest in following his Dr's orders more diligently and has began to take short walks every other day or so. Be the good influence to your partner.

Go exercise. Take care of yourself. And this is your partner, not your parent. You are an adult, not a child. You don't need permission to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

tracyg86

Hey. My OH and I had the same sort of issue. Maybe encourage her to come with you and do some other type of exercise class available at your gym while your doing your thing? But maybe you have to be a little harsher than you'd like and explain to her how important this is to you! This is only one hour out of all the time you now have together and its 'your time'

If you do back off on the amount of days you go to the gym maybe the other days that you aren't going you could encourage her to go walking with you. I don't know what exactly the best way to handle this situation is.

When I was going through this type of thing with my OH. I just didn't back down at all because I really wanted to go to the gym and I wanted my personal trainer as well. That's all I wanted, the rest of the time we have together and well I got what I wanted in the end but it wasn't pretty!

KevinsCatie

You could find a kickboxing class for her. I know when I went through a really bad bout of anxiety, the only workout I wanted to do was one where I would get to really releave some serious frustration. Kickboxing and MCMAP (Marine Corps version of MMA) worked best for me.

Sweet_Potato

That is really hard. Is your partner willing to start working out at home? If so you might want to try a fitness program you can do together (P90X, Turbo FIre, Insanity) etc.. If your partner started to workout they will probably have more energy and might realize why you enjoy it too. I am a beachbody coach. Let me know if you would like some more advice.

She's not supposed to be doing cardio or anything too strenuous. We do yoga together but I want to do other things too. Plus I have 12 classes left to do for my 30 day challenge. And I hate working out at home; we don't have the space for it and I like to get out of the house a little.

Alderaic

It's inbelievable sometimes how ego centric some answer can me, take some me time, bla bla YOURSELF.

In a relationship, you need to make sacrifices sometimes, and it looks like your partner is going through some lows as well and needs your attention/time. Maybe you can work out more activities together and make sure that your workouts are not taking place too much when your partner would be available to do things, and or that you have time to do things other than the workouts during the week.

It is sometimes easy to get caught up in the workouts loop/routine and we forget that people around us also have needs.
In my case I focused on finding classes when my kids are sleeping but to also block evenings to do things with my wife.
She is getting into doing some workouts and things with me, but it is a slow process.

Anyway, good luck to adapt your schedule and make sure both of you can work out things to a smooth schedule and enjoy each other as well

TavistockToad

give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you're going to workout and you'll be back in 45-60 minutes. she will live.

this!

if the only reason is that she misses you, then she is going to have to miss you!

its a sign of her trying to control your behaviour.... do you ever go out with friends without her?

postrockandcats

Before he started going with me, my going to the gym was a huge sticking point for my boyfriend. We only really saw each other a few hours each night and my going to the gym cut into that time. We both understood the other one's position, though and didn't have your partner's mental health problems to contend with. I hope that she has good doctors and is going down the right path.

Relationships involve compromise and communication. Is there a class that she IS interested in? What are your work hours? Is part of it that she just wants to see you, because that's fair to a point. It's also fair for your to have your own activities and interests that allow you to be enriched fully. It could also be that she's jealous that you have stuff to do. Perhaps a calm heart-to-heart is warranted. Set up a schedule for yourself just like a work schedule. Maybe you can work together to find a thing that she likes to do on her own, as well! Or, like I said earlier, a workout routine that you both can and like doing!

It turned out to be a moot point for me eventually as I stopped going for a while when Dad got sick and the gym went further down the list of important things for me to worry about.

Ramberta

Sounds like she is very unhealthily dependent on you right now. I have been in both your shoes at different times in my life, but now I am in a position similar to yours, though not as severe.

My advice would be to sit her down and talk gently to her about how you're worried she is getting too needy, and that she might not be getting enough support elsewhere. One person should never rely totally on just one other person-- it's dangerous for the health of both of you. You say she's being treated, and that's good, but being at home not doing much for most of the day will breed boredom, and loneliness. Hence why you being gone, only for an hour, seems like an eternity to her. She needs to find more things to occupy her time and her mind, to engage her, so that she won't miss you so badly.

Unfortunately she has to WANT to do this and to be more accepting of your needs in order for this to work. I wish you both the best of luck though, and feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more.

MissHolidayGolightly

Exercise could help her with her depression and anxiety. She just needs to get started.

You can't make her change her behavior is she doesn't want to, though, even if it is in her best interest. Don't stop exercising because you feel guilty for leaving her alone. Putting yourself and your health first benefits both of you.

postrockandcats

It's inbelievable sometimes how ego centric some answer can me, take some me time, bla bla YOURSELF.

In a relationship, you need to make sacrifices sometimes, and it looks like your partner is going through some lows as well and needs your attention/time. Maybe you can work out more activities together and make sure that your workouts are not taking place too much when your partner would be available to do things, and or that you have time to do things other than the workouts during the week.

It is sometimes easy to get caught up in the workouts loop/routine and we forget that people around us also have needs.
In my case I focused on finding classes when my kids are sleeping but to also block evenings to do things with my wife.
She is getting into doing some workouts and things with me, but it is a slow process.

Anyway, good luck to adapt your schedule and make sure both of you can work out things to a smooth schedule and enjoy each other as well

cosigned!!

Sweet_Potato

As the wife of a man diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain, I can say with all certainty that you can not make your partner get better or feel better. Your partner's health is not going to improve by you neglecting your health.

After years of feeling responsible for my husband's state of mind and well-being, I finally realized there is not a damn thing I can do to make "get better". That is the job of his medical doctors and his psychiatrist.

I have to take care of myself so I can be physically, mentally and emotionally able to support my husband. I learned long ago that sitting on the couch next to him, sitting in his depression did nothing for him and was debilitating to me.

Although I have just recently been going to the gym, eating healthier and being more mindful of my overall health, I have already seen changes in my husband's attitudes. He has expressed interest in following his Dr's orders more diligently and has began to take short walks every other day or so. Be the good influence to your partner.

Go exercise. Take care of yourself. And this is your partner, not your parent. You don't need permission to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Thanks, this is exactly how I feel. But it feels wrong knowing she'll be at home alone crying and won't speak to me when I get back.

SirgS

This is difficult!

1. You both need to be on the same page here. How often is she exercising? I can't preach the benefits of ones psyche after getting into a workout routine. To quote a terrible movie 'happy people just don't kill people.' The hormones released from a good exercise regimen assists in keeping the mind focused, strong, better sleep, positive outlook, etc. You both need your own time, and for you being part of barre - it is extremely difficult to step away from it. Everyone I know that does it, LOVES it. 45-60 minutes a day isn't much to ask for - you both need to be supportive of each other.

2. The miss me thing - this is kind of BS. I don't want to be rude about it, I dated a girl and I was in a very similar situation. Not saying they are all the same, but come on - you step away for 45 minutes to an hour. Yes I miss my wife during that time that I'm at the gym but me being at the gym or her being at the gym in the long term reality is healthy for each other for selfish reasons, and even better yet it is healthy for both. It is called support - you both need to support each other 100%.

Sidebar - My ex had a lot of anxiety and depression issues. She felt abandoned when I left to workout - it is a state of mind that is unfortunately tied to depression. So many things trigger depression but when someone is feeling bad and they are sulking, the last thing they want to do is be alone if they don't have to be. Not saying this is the case, but keep it in the back of your mind as you choose your words when talking to your partner.

3. Be strong, loving, and supportive. It is a tough time for your partner. You don't have to abandon her, be mindful of her feelings, but you have to express the situation to her lovingly and in reality. It is funny how our own minds distort what we feel and perceive.

Kyrithys

Have you tried talking to her?

Try explaining gently how much the exercising means to you but you've not been able to go because you've been so worried about her and you need her to be strong and let you have your downtime so that you can be strong and supportive for her in return.

It might be that while she's feeling so vulnerable and low and clinging to you for support, she doesn't consciously realise what effect it's having on you.

Make sure though that you keep calm and remind her how much you care for her though otherwise she might get the wrong idea and think you're having a go at her and that kind of misunderstanding only usually leads to arguments.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you both soon. :flowerforyou: