Partner is making it difficult to exercise

Sweet_Potato

That is really hard. Is your partner willing to start working out at home? If so you might want to try a fitness program you can do together (P90X, Turbo FIre, Insanity) etc.. If your partner started to workout they will probably have more energy and might realize why you enjoy it too. I am a beachbody coach. Let me know if you would like some more advice.

She's not supposed to be doing cardio or anything too strenuous. We do yoga together but I want to do other things too. Plus I have 12 classes left to do for my 30 day challenge. And I hate working out at home; we don't have the space for it and I like to get out of the house a little.

Alderaic

It's inbelievable sometimes how ego centric some answer can me, take some me time, bla bla YOURSELF.

In a relationship, you need to make sacrifices sometimes, and it looks like your partner is going through some lows as well and needs your attention/time. Maybe you can work out more activities together and make sure that your workouts are not taking place too much when your partner would be available to do things, and or that you have time to do things other than the workouts during the week.

It is sometimes easy to get caught up in the workouts loop/routine and we forget that people around us also have needs.
In my case I focused on finding classes when my kids are sleeping but to also block evenings to do things with my wife.
She is getting into doing some workouts and things with me, but it is a slow process.

Anyway, good luck to adapt your schedule and make sure both of you can work out things to a smooth schedule and enjoy each other as well

TavistockToad

give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you're going to workout and you'll be back in 45-60 minutes. she will live.

this!

if the only reason is that she misses you, then she is going to have to miss you!

its a sign of her trying to control your behaviour.... do you ever go out with friends without her?

postrockandcats

Before he started going with me, my going to the gym was a huge sticking point for my boyfriend. We only really saw each other a few hours each night and my going to the gym cut into that time. We both understood the other one's position, though and didn't have your partner's mental health problems to contend with. I hope that she has good doctors and is going down the right path.

Relationships involve compromise and communication. Is there a class that she IS interested in? What are your work hours? Is part of it that she just wants to see you, because that's fair to a point. It's also fair for your to have your own activities and interests that allow you to be enriched fully. It could also be that she's jealous that you have stuff to do. Perhaps a calm heart-to-heart is warranted. Set up a schedule for yourself just like a work schedule. Maybe you can work together to find a thing that she likes to do on her own, as well! Or, like I said earlier, a workout routine that you both can and like doing!

It turned out to be a moot point for me eventually as I stopped going for a while when Dad got sick and the gym went further down the list of important things for me to worry about.

Ramberta

Sounds like she is very unhealthily dependent on you right now. I have been in both your shoes at different times in my life, but now I am in a position similar to yours, though not as severe.

My advice would be to sit her down and talk gently to her about how you're worried she is getting too needy, and that she might not be getting enough support elsewhere. One person should never rely totally on just one other person-- it's dangerous for the health of both of you. You say she's being treated, and that's good, but being at home not doing much for most of the day will breed boredom, and loneliness. Hence why you being gone, only for an hour, seems like an eternity to her. She needs to find more things to occupy her time and her mind, to engage her, so that she won't miss you so badly.

Unfortunately she has to WANT to do this and to be more accepting of your needs in order for this to work. I wish you both the best of luck though, and feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more.

MissHolidayGolightly

Exercise could help her with her depression and anxiety. She just needs to get started.

You can't make her change her behavior is she doesn't want to, though, even if it is in her best interest. Don't stop exercising because you feel guilty for leaving her alone. Putting yourself and your health first benefits both of you.

postrockandcats

It's inbelievable sometimes how ego centric some answer can me, take some me time, bla bla YOURSELF.

In a relationship, you need to make sacrifices sometimes, and it looks like your partner is going through some lows as well and needs your attention/time. Maybe you can work out more activities together and make sure that your workouts are not taking place too much when your partner would be available to do things, and or that you have time to do things other than the workouts during the week.

It is sometimes easy to get caught up in the workouts loop/routine and we forget that people around us also have needs.
In my case I focused on finding classes when my kids are sleeping but to also block evenings to do things with my wife.
She is getting into doing some workouts and things with me, but it is a slow process.

Anyway, good luck to adapt your schedule and make sure both of you can work out things to a smooth schedule and enjoy each other as well

cosigned!!

Sweet_Potato

As the wife of a man diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain, I can say with all certainty that you can not make your partner get better or feel better. Your partner's health is not going to improve by you neglecting your health.

After years of feeling responsible for my husband's state of mind and well-being, I finally realized there is not a damn thing I can do to make "get better". That is the job of his medical doctors and his psychiatrist.

I have to take care of myself so I can be physically, mentally and emotionally able to support my husband. I learned long ago that sitting on the couch next to him, sitting in his depression did nothing for him and was debilitating to me.

Although I have just recently been going to the gym, eating healthier and being more mindful of my overall health, I have already seen changes in my husband's attitudes. He has expressed interest in following his Dr's orders more diligently and has began to take short walks every other day or so. Be the good influence to your partner.

Go exercise. Take care of yourself. And this is your partner, not your parent. You don't need permission to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Thanks, this is exactly how I feel. But it feels wrong knowing she'll be at home alone crying and won't speak to me when I get back.

SirgS

This is difficult!

1. You both need to be on the same page here. How often is she exercising? I can't preach the benefits of ones psyche after getting into a workout routine. To quote a terrible movie 'happy people just don't kill people.' The hormones released from a good exercise regimen assists in keeping the mind focused, strong, better sleep, positive outlook, etc. You both need your own time, and for you being part of barre - it is extremely difficult to step away from it. Everyone I know that does it, LOVES it. 45-60 minutes a day isn't much to ask for - you both need to be supportive of each other.

2. The miss me thing - this is kind of BS. I don't want to be rude about it, I dated a girl and I was in a very similar situation. Not saying they are all the same, but come on - you step away for 45 minutes to an hour. Yes I miss my wife during that time that I'm at the gym but me being at the gym or her being at the gym in the long term reality is healthy for each other for selfish reasons, and even better yet it is healthy for both. It is called support - you both need to support each other 100%.

Sidebar - My ex had a lot of anxiety and depression issues. She felt abandoned when I left to workout - it is a state of mind that is unfortunately tied to depression. So many things trigger depression but when someone is feeling bad and they are sulking, the last thing they want to do is be alone if they don't have to be. Not saying this is the case, but keep it in the back of your mind as you choose your words when talking to your partner.

3. Be strong, loving, and supportive. It is a tough time for your partner. You don't have to abandon her, be mindful of her feelings, but you have to express the situation to her lovingly and in reality. It is funny how our own minds distort what we feel and perceive.

Kyrithys

Have you tried talking to her?

Try explaining gently how much the exercising means to you but you've not been able to go because you've been so worried about her and you need her to be strong and let you have your downtime so that you can be strong and supportive for her in return.

It might be that while she's feeling so vulnerable and low and clinging to you for support, she doesn't consciously realise what effect it's having on you.

Make sure though that you keep calm and remind her how much you care for her though otherwise she might get the wrong idea and think you're having a go at her and that kind of misunderstanding only usually leads to arguments.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you both soon. :flowerforyou:

Sweet_Potato

give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you're going to workout and you'll be back in 45-60 minutes. she will live.

this!

if the only reason is that she misses you, then she is going to have to miss you!

its a sign of her trying to control your behaviour.... do you ever go out with friends without her?

Maybe once a month, and she isn't thrilled about that either, but it happens a lot less frequently.

redraidergirl2009

Are you going to let someone control your life? I say explain to her that you're sorry she feels bad, but getting upset when you leave for an hour a day isn't helping.

2EggsSeparated

My whole adult life I have had problems with depression and self doubt. I have been on just about every type of antidepressant and I have spent a considerable amount of time with a therapist. Honestly, some of my problem really was depression, sometimes it was just pure jealousy and childish behaviour.

Having said that, at some point, you just have to say "Your problem, not mine. I'll be back in an hour."

Ramberta

As the wife of a man diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain, I can say with all certainty that you can not make your partner get better or feel better. Your partner's health is not going to improve by you neglecting your health.

After years of feeling responsible for my husband's state of mind and well-being, I finally realized there is not a damn thing I can do to make "get better". That is the job of his medical doctors and his psychiatrist.

I have to take care of myself so I can be physically, mentally and emotionally able to support my husband. I learned long ago that sitting on the couch next to him, sitting in his depression did nothing for him and was debilitating to me.

Although I have just recently been going to the gym, eating healthier and being more mindful of my overall health, I have already seen changes in my husband's attitudes. He has expressed interest in following his Dr's orders more diligently and has began to take short walks every other day or so. Be the good influence to your partner.

Go exercise. Take care of yourself. And this is your partner, not your parent. You don't need permission to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Thanks, this is exactly how I feel. But it feels wrong knowing she'll be at home alone crying and won't speak to me when I get back.

Unfortunately that is her doing the wrong behavior, not you. She is selfishly overreacting, and as much as you love her and want to make her happy, if you cave to her now you're going to get into a behavioral rut, of always placing her first. This can be very damaging to you and your relationship with her.

Me failing to realize this early on, and then resentment building subconsciously to the point where I began to think she was upset even when she wasn't was what killed my 3-year-relationship with my ex-fiancee.

Maybe the relationship will suffer because of this anyway, if she is unwilling to understand that she has to sacrifice some time to you to have to yourself, but if that's the case then you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate your compatibility with her.

Wendysworld13

All points in this are valid - her feelings and yours. I get the excitement about also being able to save - and that is only by going to the classes. Here are a couple of thoughts:
The best way to take care of her is to take care of you. Limit your time at the gym to what you need to do there - everything else, do at home.
Do everything you can to have her find something exercise wise to do. Exercise helps get the endorphins flowing which help in alleviating some of the feelings of depression and help the depression meds work better. Even gentle exercise!
Work on a compromise of spending some extra quality time together that equals the time you are going to the gym. It has to be real and quality for both of you - even a walk works.
Do everything you can to support her. Clinical depression is really hard. And for someone who doesn't get depressed it is hard to understand but there is really not a lot she can do about it except to follow her doctors advice. I was in your shoes, trying to support a partner who would flip at the flip of a switch when she wasn't taking her medications. It was hard, but if you truly love each other you can compromise and find a way through the darkness.
Good luck to you

yamsteroo

Would she not consider going to the gym too? Maybe not to a class but even 45mins on an elliptical would perhaps lift her mood a little rather than sitting at home all the time. I'm not suggesting depressed people just need to get out more but I do believe that sitting at home compounds the problem.

My husband goes to the gym 5days a week which involves him leaving home a 6.20am each weekday. I used to resent it a little as I'd have to get up early too (he's damned noisy!) but now I take that early start and use it to give my dog a longer walk before work as I appreciate it's something he likes to do and it's 'his' time, just like I get Monday's to myself.

It's tricky and I wish you well but giving in to your partner's demands on this could be the thin end of the wedge and I really don't think you'd be helping her by doing it,

Bikini27

I am a homebody to the nth degree, have suffered from mild depression in the past. I am in a relationship with a man that is constantly on the go and talking to everyone and honestly, the man never stops moving.

It hit me one day that I can either keep up with him and his activities or I could focus on what makes me happy and we can have our separate interests as well as our shared endeavors.

It prevents the clingy aspects and assists in providing a solid foundation if your partner finds her own hobbies and runs with them. Having set aside time to be together is a good thing, also. Dinner being a must or meeting up for lunch. But if you start giving up your personal goals, there is a chance you'll start resenting your partner and that'll cause an ugly backslide.

Stay strong, have discussions, and help your partner find her own path. Maybe take her to a few things at the Y or community college and join in on the quest of finding a fulfilling hobby but also keep your goals and hobbies.

Calliope610

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Unfortunately that is her doing the wrong behavior, not you. She is selfishly overreacting, and as much as you love her and want to make her happy, if you cave to her now you're going to get into a behavioral rut, of always placing her first. This can be very damaging to you and your relationship with her.

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Yes, this is called "enabling" and can be VERY damaging and counter-productive.

jakidb

I'm going to be honest--you have to do what is "best" for your health. Our loved ones, though they may not like it they are away for us, need to understand that this is abt "health" and not ignoring them. Perhaps you 2 can sit down and talk it out.

SirgS

Me failing to realize this early on, and then resentment building subconsciously to the point where I began to think she was upset even when she wasn't was what killed my 3-year-relationship with my ex-fiancee.

Maybe the relationship will suffer because of this anyway, if she is unwilling to understand that she has to sacrifice some time to you to have to yourself, but if that's the case then you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate your compatibility with her.

THIS! It is true, it needs to be addressed. The animosity created in this type of situation (NO ONE likes to feel as if they are being held back) is dangerous. It can cripple relationships and friendships. Don't let it go that far.