I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

_Pseudonymous_

at one point in time I was 100 lbs skinnier than I am now and I was the size I am now before that. Well, the jist of the story is that people would compliment me on how much weight I had lost and how much better I look when skinnier and a lot of similar comments but I just smiled and beamed and took the compliments because the fact of the matter is that I did look good when they complimented me. I was as skinney as they were and I was looking better than ever. That person was in my past so why should I worry about that. Now I do realize I have gained that weight back but the moral is the same: Live in the moment. Because at this moment in time this is who you are, who cares about who you were when that is no longer who you are? You can't go back to the past, you can't live in the past, you can only LEARN from the past so look to the present and enjoy the praise.

Also, keep in mind that it could be worse. I dated a guy while I was thinner who told me that I wasn't as pretty anymore since I lost weight. Not becuase he like chubby girls or anything, he just thought I wasn't that pretty anymore. It was down right rude but whatever I am who I am and I look how I look. I can change my weight but I can't change my face, ya know? So be greatful that they see your hard work and they appreciate it. lol

ldrosophila

I get it I understand. I wish weight loss wasn't so public, but unfortunately it is.

this is what you have to do chalk it up that they are just moronic idiots, and have no idea what to say when a person gets healthier and depending on the people everyone loves a good story of failure so your story of success isnt that fun.

Just go with it smile and say thank you. And under your breathe go Idiot. Dont let them tell you stories or give you advice. I'll change the subject quickly too usually something pretty political just to get their small brains off of my weight.

franfidale

It's so true! Makes you want to move to a part of the world where no one ever knew you when you were fat.

Sweetfi

Yes. Here on MFP.

You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."

No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.

I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.

Totally classless.

^^^This^^^. Very well said.

JenRunTriHappyGirl

I totally get what you are saying! I have a theory, maybe they have wanted/are wanting to loose 5-10 pounds and the fact that you are doing it SUCCESSFULLY makes them a little jealous, because losing weight is hard. Another theory (please do not take this offensively... think of it from a girl's perspective), you know how in a group of girlfriends, there is always the hot one and then there is one that is usually not so hot/bigger/whatever? Maybe the "hot one" is now worried that you are going to take her spot! Take that! So, high five from all the girls (me) who were the "bigger" girls in their group of girlfriends!

On another note.... I worked with a group of older overweight women. When I started loosing and they starting noticing, there was no great job! It was "well, you can do it because you are young." Gee thanks.

Good luck and congrats!

Lantzbug

My husband 'complimented' me this morning, at least I'm sure he meant it as a compliment. He said, you're losing, I can tell, I"ll be able to pick you up in no time. lol.

Great.

cynthiaj777

I completely understand what you mean.

I have some friends who constantly say things like, "Wow, you look really skinny today." Today? What did I look like yesterday? How about last week? What will I look like tomorrow?

I tend to pick apart every compliment because I don't believe compliments are generally people being ACTUALLY genuine. People say crap just to hear their own voice.

I had a friend say, "Doesn't Cynthia's face look thin today?" My other friend said, "Well, it looks like it did yesterday...."

Maybe people are just awkward with their compliments, but when I wear the same work pants, I see you every day and then "Today you look good in those pants." WTF does that REALLY mean?!?!

Rant over. I hate compliments. They are almost always meant as insults....or are just freaking awkward. People should just be silent.

Alex_is_Hawks

they were being nice...take it as its meant...

sometime's people don't know what to say or how to say it, but they really REALLY do want to say something acknowledging what you've accomplished.

they did the best the could so show you they noticed and they love it.

accept it.

tararocks

no advice just to tell you i feel your pain...i have been losing for about the last 2 years, in teh last six months ive pretty much stayed the same no more significant loss (which I am ok with), had my daughters birthday celebration this weekend, darling family member who hasnt seen me in about 6 months comes up and says "I mean this is the nicest way possible...but you look like *kitten*..youre too skinny" i didnt even know what to say...trust me i by far wasnt the thinnest person at the party, nor am i too skinny, nor am i any smaller than when she last saw me, i jsut couldn't believe it, i sat there dumbfounded.

cynthiaj777

I really think that there is nothing people can say that is "right". No matter what people say or don't say someone will find a reason to be offended by it. Just take it the way it was intended, as a compliment.

But this is true....

PlayDoh1234

I think you're right. Some comments can really seem to have a double meaning that's it's a little disappointing instead of uplifting. I don't like when I get the comment, "You're getting too skinny". When I'm still 30+ pounds over a healthy weight. I'm not too skinny.. I'm overweight.

You look great! Keep up the hard work!!!

NovemberJune

Totally know how you feel. I'm bad at taking the better compliments and especially bad at taking the sucky "compliments"
I just remind myself that they really aren't trying to be mean. Sorry, no good advice

kimosabe1

or when they don't say one word?? 15 pounds on a small frame 5'5" woman is most certainly noticeable! Alright *****es, just wait until it's 30 pounds.......

aprmay

I wouldn't worry too much on what other people say. Most people are not used to change, so when they see you looking better than before, they will react and don't think about what they are saying could be misinterpreted. Just take it as a compliment (even the backhanded ones) and move on. Take the high road and know that you ROCK.

scottishprincessprobz

I can totally relate!! In a different sense, but when I was younger and gaining weight in recovery for AN, my school principal came up to me and said, "Wow Jenny, you look really healthy!"...I knew he meant well, but healthy at the time meant "Fat" to me. I broke down crying in the girls bathroom and my mom had to come and take me home from school.

That's why now I always try to compliment people for other things. Examples are:
"Wow that dress/shirt/pants looks amazing on you!!" or "Wow I really like you're outfit today"
"Ooh did you do something different with your hair? It looks really nice today"
"Your make up looks great today."

Now I'm losing weight since I'm overweight, and I haven't received any compliments..yet.

kasslass2

Yes. Here on MFP.

You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."

No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.

I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.

Totally classless.

I think you both look freaking incredible! Do I think it is obtainable for me...probably not. Would I take it.....HELLLLLL yes! You've both put in the hours and it shows! Props to you two! Great job!

montana_girl

If they are truly your friends, they meant it as a compliment. Plain and simple. Yes, I can see why it could be taken as insult, but if they truly care about you, then it wasn't.

I've had true weight loss insults... those are the compliments followed by the "but"...

"Congrats on losing a hundred poundss... but it certainly took you long enough!"
"That's great that you can now run a mile... but if you're running, why are your legs still so fat?"

Yeah, those were the compliments that could be insults!

**edited because I can't type today...

FeatherBoBeather

Yes.. I definitely think when friends say those things, they mean well... but I am horrible at taking those types of comments as compliments.

I actually don't like to hear it LOL.. maybe I'm the only one... but I'd much rather have someone say something simple like 'you look great' .... not 'WOW omg you've lost SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much weight'...

I know where I started, I don't need a reminder. Thanks for noticing. :-) lol :embarassed:

*edited for a typo, wheeee

kasslass2

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

You look amazing! I wouldn't let it bother you. Keep up the great work and be proud of yourself!

CLFrancois

lots of replies already, so I dont know if you will read mine.
I have been fit most of my life. I do not view my friends that are larger than me as beneath me. At all.
I want, so badly, for my friends to be fit and to take the initiative to get going on it. Not for me, it doesn't benefit me, but for them, and for their families and kids.
I am proud of every one of them for doing anything to better themselves. To me, what proud means is respect. If it is yourself or others, having pride isn't, and shouldn't, be an insult.
Don't read this wrong though, I am not yelling or talking down to you. I am only hoping that when a friend says this to you that you don't take it as what it doesn't mean.
A friend of mine went back to school, 15 years after we graduated, and got her nursing degree. A lifelong dream of hers she finally was able to complete. I was proud. Beaming I tell ya. Not because I was better, not at all (I don't have a nursing degree) but because she did it! So many people don't.

BflSaberfan

I dont understand why the "I'm so proud of you" comes across as them being above you? THose were my words when my baby cousin (not so much a baby any more) joined the military, I am proud of him, it brought me to tears I was so proud. I in no way felt above him when I said it.

MeLisa1044

I do understand how you feel and it is bitter sweet. Try to just take it at what it is, a complement. Just remember that the most important thing is the way that you feel. If they would have said nothing that may have hurt your feelings to you know? Some people are just not as sensitive to others and may have never been in your situation to understand how what they are saying even though it is a compliment may hurt a little. I have had people say "wow now you have a normal size a**! Well G thanks! They mean well but some of them are just clueless.

WRXymama

The most recent one I got was "Congratulations"....like I woke up one morning with a 50lb weight loss overnight. I WON I WON.

ElizMurphy69

It is what it is...say Thank You and move on. As we deal with weight loss one way, other people perceive and deal with our weight loss on their own terms. I think back to when my ex-husband got cancer and then had his leg removed and the awkwardness of that "first" conversation when people saw him. I think that a major weight loss would be a same way. What is the correct thing to say? How do you acknowledge their hard work without sounding condescending or like they "should have done it already" or "not let themselves get like that in the first place"???? It's so tough when communication is wrought with human emotion. Not only their own emotions that creates the reaction, but then how we react as the receiver as well.
Be patient with those around you. Love them for noticing at all. I get frustrated now when I see someone I haven't seen in months and they don't say a word when I know I look "damn good" :-) I walk away thinking...."really?! they didn't notice I lost 20 pounds in my cheeks alone?"
Take care, love yourself for who you are and what you have done and be patient with those around you who are learning about you all over again :-)
Beth

galenofedgewood

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

Honestly, I generally take it for face value. They mean well and aren't trying to be evil about it.

What I'm running into now is the "you need to stop losing so much weight" because people are not used to seeing me this thin. Hell, *I* haven't ever seen myself this thin. I ain't done yet (210 is too high for my body composition and we'll see what 190-195 is like). They're just going to have to get used to it.

Docmahi

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

I get a lot of these now - I used to feel similar but I look at this way

I was super overweight before, but now I'm not so people are comfortable talking about it - my friends and family out of not wanting to hurt my feelings didn't bring it up before. So yeah a few comments may hurt 'you are the half the man you used to be' etc. but honestly they are all made out of love/admiration so just take the good away, that your friends and family are happy

congratulations on your loss!!

Docmahi

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

Honestly, I generally take it for face value. They mean well and aren't trying to be evil about it.

What I'm running into now is the "you need to stop losing so much weight" because people are not used to seeing me this thin. Hell, *I* haven't ever seen myself this thin. I ain't done yet (210 is too high for my body composition and we'll see what 190-195 is like). They're just going to have to get used to it.

oh yeah I get a lot of those now - both the: 'dont lose any more weight' and 'your muscles are getting too big, quit lifting' haha. But yeah I am in a similar boat I want my ultimate weight around 175-180 but with a lean composition so I'm planning on going down to 165-170 then coming back up slowly, most people think I'm crazy when I say that

KenosFeoh

Since you know they mean well, leave it at that. I think maybe you're analyzing too closely where no hidden message was intended.

I lost a lot of weight when my son was about 4, and a friend of my husband's told me that my butt used to be HUGE, and he held his hands apart like he was describing the big fish that got away. I could have been insulted, but why? He meant well.

shrinkingbrian

I had a person at church tell me that I am going to blow away. I know it was meant as a compliment but I still have a BMI of 32 and have about another 40 pounds that I want to loose. Most compliments I think are well intended. I guess some people just are not sure what to say.

codapea

good point. i know there isn't always an underlying message but you can find one if you look for it and it can be hurtful. the point is people do mean well, they just don't know how to show it sometimes haha.

Yes! Even though I'm am losing weight, and you would think I would know what to say by now from the good things people have said to me, I still feel awkward commenting on other peoples weight loss. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, and it seems easy to do. You want to say more than "good job", but you don't want to stick your foot in your mouth. My compliments seem to come out weird on accident. Every time I see one of my friends who has lost a bunch and is at goal weight, we all start telling her how great she looks... yet there is something about a bunch of girls talking about another girl that always comes off slightly b*tchy. I think in some small way we are all slightly b*tchy and we all know it. I'm sure your friends really did mean well, but I totally get how you feel. Just last night my father-law-said, "Well you skinny little *kitten*!" I was like, "Thanks, that's sweet. I know I'm not skinny yet, but I appreciate it none the less." To which he replied, "Well compared to where you stared from!!!" I was thinking, huh, okay- I guess I was sooo fat. It only bothered me for one second, though, partly because I know it's true. Then I just smiled. So, yes, I know what you mean.