I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

8goodgirl0

I have a lot of problems with this. Most of the things aren't compliments though. People telling me I 'look better' a certain way, or their opinion of how my body should or shouldn't look. I DON'T WANT YOUR APPROVAL.
Some old guy I know ALWAYS says when I have my hair down 'Your hair looks better like that' and it makes me want to rip things.

mattschwartz01

Try not taking them as insults. They are probably a little envious of your motivation and self-control. Play up on it and twist it into a form of admiration. In some sort of way they admire your strength. When you are motivated full steam ahead, you have a whole aura surrounding you. There is some psychological evidence to this. Your face is brighter, you hold yourself more confidently, and some of this is unbeknownst to you. You look fantastic!

dunnodunno

It only bothers me when someone is loud & obnoxious about it & goes on & on & on & on about it.

OlyCapitalChick

I normally don't reply to stuff, but when I read your post I immediately knew what you meant. Then I couldn't believe others responses to your post (that you need to assume the best of others, not be insecure or negative?! WTF??!):noway:

The comments they said were not fully loaded with "nice". You're not insecure.

Those comments are the from people who are not quite sure what to make of the new you. Especially because it puts a mirror in their face (and puts focus on their own insecurities about their own looks, status in life, success abilities etc.). Also, and your new figure makes them a little insecure about how this new you fits into their world and their view of you.

Again, those comments on the surface may 'seem' sweet, but they really are not. People get insecure, unsure and sometimes jealous of others success. Not saying that is how they felt, but it is not unreasonable to think that those 'friends' were not being totally kind.

Again, you taking the courage to post this shows you actually are not insecure, but are aware that something was't quite 'right'. Could have been their tone, non verbal body language, your history with them etc. etc.

How do you deal with this?
Validate yourself your not insecure or negative or seeing ill will in others.
Think about future scenarios like this and come up with some responses in order to be prepared - it wold be unlikely this will never happen again.
:drinker: make sure you have folks in your life who are secure enough to support the new you. Not everyone will be. Its true and sad.

IrishHarpy1

Sometimes people just don't know *how* to compliment you -- or even if they should. A waitress at the diner my husband and I visit every weekend never said a word the entire 18 months I was losing weight, until the weekend we were celebrating the fact that I had finally hit my goal. Her response? "Oh, I'm SO glad it was intentional. I thought you were sick and was afraid to say something!" :ohwell:

And remember, it can always be worse... like when I discovered I was the favorite topic of lunchtime discussion among my coworkers, who were all convinced that the only way I was losing weight was that I'd had surgery.

ksimmons19

If I looked like you, I wouldn't give a *kitten* what people said to me. Just stay positive no matter what people say to you. "Almost as skinny as me now" DAAAAMN right I am- and soon I WILL be skinnier than you beeyotcch! "I'm so proud of you" (which I can't really see how this can be taken negatively...it's nice to know people are proud of your hard work. I don't think anyone meant this badly.) ME TOO!! Just let it roll darlin nobody matters but you anyway. and BTW- you look friggin amazing and I can't wait to start over analyzing weight loss comments!!!!

jrnguyen

I am astounded by the number of incredibly rude people on this post. She never said she BELIEVED what they said, so clearly its not a self-esteem issue. She's simply saying she felt odd about it and was asking if anyone else ever has. For those of you that haven't, then you really don't have room to say anything. There are plenty of people on here who have felt that way so its obviously not a personal problem for her. Isn't the purpose of this site to help cheer other people on? If you are on this site, then at some point you were big, too, and needed support. How about you all stop tearing people down.

OP you look great and should be proud! Yes, you're feelings are completely normal and don't feel bad about it. You'll get used to the comments eventually and they won't sting anymore. Keep up the good work!!

Kristine7813

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

I agree with this guy. Friends and family usually mean well and it makes me feel good to hear positive things from them!

Lochlyn_D

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

I think you are taking it the wrong way. I LOVE when people say things - anything - because it means that all my hard work is showing. Why can't your friends be proud of you? It doesn't mean that they think they are better than you. I know losing weight gives some people a different attitude. I know I found myself starting to think differently after I lost some weight. You have to just push that out of your mind.

mojohowitz

*kitten* 'em. They will likely die before you.

Iron_Lotus

My pet peeve is "You look good for having 5 kids." Underlying message...so if I didn't have 5 kids I wouldn't look good? I know that isn't what people mean when they are saying it but its what is what is conveyed. You have to learn to let it go. The real approval can't come from everyone around you, it has to come from the person in the mirror. Just say thank you and move on. You will learn who you can and cant talk about your progress with. Not everyone wants to hear it or celebrate it.

\


Omg! Me too! I hate hearing it now.

Isakizza

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

^^^ I have to agree with this.

I too am guilty of taking a true compliment as some sort of insult. But realized that it was my own insecurities about my weight and body. I was just thinking too much into the comments.

Now I gladly accept compliments with a huge smile.... and when a friend says "Wow, you're almost as small as me now" I say "HELL YEAH, and I worked hard for it!



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DebbieLyn63

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

^^Perfectly stated. Enjoy the compliments from your friends and family. They sound sincere.

On the other hand the following piece of advice-

You look fantastic! wink You keep doing what you're doing girl! Your hard work is paying off, so keep your chin up and keep marchin on!

This compliment could be read as, "you have worked hard and are losing weight, but it still isn't good enough. You are still fat"

See, it is all in the interpretation. If you are looking for the negative, you will easily find it.

And from me- congrats on your success! Enjoy it, and all the compliments that come along with it. Always err on the side of thinking positive. Life is so much more enjoyable when you do.

LoosingMyLast15

i still take it as a compliment. sometimes people have a difficult time expressing how happy they are for another individual and they don't realize how un complimentary their compliment is. you can say thank you or you can come back with a smart *kitten* answer like skinny as you? oh heaven's no i'm going for healthy not skinny. lol

astrampe

The point of asking this question was to find out how other people deal with hearing things that people say in response to weight loss, not to be psychoanalyzed. I don't "look for negatives in everything" and i don't have "insecurities so severe that I put my friends in a catch 22"...it was simply a question. There's no need for judgment.

The fact that you see "judgement" in a simple explanation says it all....

DebbieLyn63

Actually met a friend of a friend out this weekend who was in to fitness and we talked some about my weight loss at some point. She ended up dropping the "skinny fat" term on me when describing how I turned out. Yeah, sorry after losing 140lbs that I didn't turn out to be carved out of wood. That's women for you.

I woulda had to cut the chick!

DebbieLyn63

I get it I understand. I wish weight loss wasn't so public, but unfortunately it is.

this is what you have to do chalk it up that they are just moronic idiots, and have no idea what to say when a person gets healthier and depending on the people everyone loves a good story of failure so your story of success isnt that fun.

Just go with it smile and say thank you. And under your breathe go Idiot. Dont let them tell you stories or give you advice. I'll change the subject quickly too usually something pretty political just to get their small brains off of my weight.

WOW! I am almost speechless at this remark. I hope it was made in jest, but it doesn't look like it.
Thinking of your friends as 'moronic idiots' because they complimented you on your weight loss, is a very good way to not have ANY friends, no matter what your weight it.
What horrible life experiences have you had that have made you this bitter?

TheGr8Kimbini

I understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, I think it depends on how far someone goes to tell someone who has lost weight how well they look. A simple, "Wow, you look great!" or "You look happier these days!" is a great compliment without insulting someone, I'd hope... Some people are too sensitive and some people take it as a great motivator. Either way, it shouldn't matter, your goal is to continue looking amazing and keep moving forward. Just keep in mind, there are people out there who lack common sense and may not know better or know what or how they're saying their compliment(s).

DebbieLyn63

I completely understand what you mean.

I have some friends who constantly say things like, "Wow, you look really skinny today." Today? What did I look like yesterday? How about last week? What will I look like tomorrow?

I tend to pick apart every compliment because I don't believe compliments are generally people being ACTUALLY genuine. People say crap just to hear their own voice.

I had a friend say, "Doesn't Cynthia's face look thin today?" My other friend said, "Well, it looks like it did yesterday...."

Maybe people are just awkward with their compliments, but when I wear the same work pants, I see you every day and then "Today you look good in those pants." WTF does that REALLY mean?!?!

Rant over. I hate compliments. They are almost always meant as insults....or are just freaking awkward. People should just be silent.

Another ray of sunshine! I am amazed at the amount of jaded, negative people on this site. SMH

Maribel_1986

The point of asking this question was to find out how other people deal with hearing things that people say in response to weight loss, not to be psychoanalyzed. I don't "look for negatives in everything" and i don't have "insecurities so severe that I put my friends in a catch 22"...it was simply a question. There's no need for judgment.

WOW!!! :huh:

_HeartsOnFire_

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

What he said!!!

healthyKYgirl

I ran into someone I used to work with after I had lost 75lbs a few years ago. They had met me when I weighed 200lbs, and saw me increase to 300lbs. When I saw them again, I was right around 225. Their reaction was insulting. It was so much shock and disdain on their face it was like being slapped across the face. I believe they shouted: "Oh My God! You've lost a ton of weight! You look good?!?!" while I was standing in front of Target. I had received compliments before this, and none of them evoked a spirit of anger. In fact, I liked most of them. This one though in how it was said and the look on the face was something along the lines that insulted me. It wasn't always what is said, but how it is said that matters too. It made me feel like this person thought I was inferior in some way and never thought I could accomplish anything like weight loss or being attractive. So, yes, I can understand how a compliment can be an insult at the same time.

What I said in response was "Yes, I know I've lost a lot of weight. Thanks. Well, I have to go."... And I walked into the store.

patentguru

"Rant over. I hate compliments. They are almost always meant as insults....or are just freaking awkward. People should just be silent."
[/quote]

You are the exact opposite of me. I believe most people make nice statements and I enjoy communication. I always give the benefit of the doubt in a positive light. Anger, hate, happiness, etc. are all choices. It makes no sense to chose anger over happiness. What do you gain? Self loathing?

sabified

Yes. Here on MFP.

You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."

No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.

I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.

Totally classless.

Sorry to hear that happened If she's the girl in your tracker bar, she's totally hot and I'd love to look like her!!!
Need to start lifting

To OP: Yes, it happens a lot. Some are *****y, passive aggressive people (ie. my sister asked me if I was "wearing that today" when we left to carpool to work this morning- there's nothing wrong with my clothes, expect that they're loose now) and some genuinely mean well (my mom- argh). Just have to smile and say "thanks" to those ones and learn to ignore the others. There isn't much you can do about the opinion of others in the past, all you can focus on is now and the future.

tnjackso1

thanks for posting the thread...for me the comments bring me tears because at first I went from 185 to 165 and I heard all the jokes like "the wind is going to blow you away" "you look like a crack head" and now after a year I'm back at 182 and I get the comments like "omg, how much weight have your gained", or hear the rude remarks "I told you she wouldn't keep it off" "you look so much better with weight on, cute and chubby!" I'm happy at whatever weight I am because I learned to love me!! Because I'm human and I have feeling the comments do hurt but I'm learning to put up the hand and not listen to such rude, hateful, and unhappy people.. Glad others have experienced what I've dealt with and it make this journey easier knowing I'm not alone!!

caramelgyrlk

I honestly ignore it. We come from so many different backgrounds and taught so many things, what is a compliment to one is an insult to another. If you can extract anything positive do so, if not, keep it moving. At the end of the day life is too short to allow people to steal your thunder.

I read in your post you do not like to hear I am proud of you. I tell people in all aspects of my life including MFP I am proud of them, as I see what they did as an achievement and wanted to acknowledge it as such. This goes back to the point about my aforementioned statement,

karen_golfs

I've had so many comments about my weight loss - 71 pounds so far. I take all as true compliments. I guess it's because all of my clients and friends care about me. I just smile and say thank you and really mean it! I actually walk around with a smile most of the time and an optimistic outlook on life. Rock on!

DaniDC28

I totally know what you are saying/asking. I attended a wedding right after college after losing a considerable amount of weight so when friends and acquaintances saw me they were shocked. Most were happy for me and very complimentary but others gave backhanded compliments. The one that has stuck with me from all those years ago was from a "friend's" mother... she asked (and she was serious!), "Doesn't it feel good to look like one of us now?" Ummmm… how RUDE was that! I was absolutely shocked. The sad thing is I think she really thought she was being nice (to the former fat girl).

I think some people are jealous of others accomplishments and achievements and don’t really know how to celebrate for and with them. They just have their own issues.

I think the best way to handle these moments is to know that the majority of people mean well although it may come out wrong. I know it's not always that easy.

I think you look FAB!

tasharock

Yes, all the time. People are stupid.

When they say, "You're looking great/You're doing a great job" I say, "Yes."

When I get "Quit losing weight or the wind will blow you away!" (my least favorite) I say, "I dare it."

LexiAtel

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

Agreed

I lost weight once, someone commented on it.. I was like... "hmm..." at first I thought it was weird, but after a while, I felt good about myself, because I HAD lost weight, and they DID notice it. So what's the big deal?

All you can do is be happy about yourself, even if they are intentionally trying to make you feel bad, who cares? All you should be concerned about is yourself.

But really, it sounds like your friends are supportive and there's no reason to feel "weird". You'll get used to the new compliments.