My wife left me once I lost the weight.
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Don't blame yourself for what happened. Drinking and smoking won't help. I can't read her mind, but what she said reeks of emotionally immaturity / control issues or low self-esteem. The fact that she jumped right into dating other guys tells me that she didn't really care enough to make things work, or to put in an effort.
Wipe her from your mind. Don't even waste another moment thinking about her. Recognize that you are a catch, getting fit, and there are plenty of other women out there. A sizable portion of these women are probably more considerate, faithful, and appreciative of a guy who takes care of himself. You are getting healthier and doing something for your life. This is a chance to turn it around.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!0 -
Don't blame yourself for what happened. I can't read her mind, but what she said reeks of emotionally immaturity / control issues or low self-esteem. The fact that she jumped right into dating other guys tells me that she didn't really care enough to make things work, or to put in an effort.
Thanks, and big props for the Doctor Who ticker! And you're spot on I offered (pleaded) to go to marriage counseling with her and she refused several times.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.0 -
She left, but it doesn't mean it is permanent - Let us hope she comes to terms with her feelings and realizes what a wonderful person you are- I just saw that happen to one of my friends- She lost a lot of weight and her marriage fell a part, but I believe they are back together -0
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Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.
That's great to hear!
Yes, I love MFP for their amazing support.
Do you have any hobbies besides working out?
I play raquetball with a friend (just for fun) and it really allows me to talk to her and just vent about our days or problems, very therapeutic itself.
Maybe take up woodworking or fix up your car?
It seems like keeping busy would really help curb your drinking.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.
That's great to hear!
Yes, I love MFP for their amazing support.
Do you have any hobbies besides working out?
I play raquetball with a friend (just for fun) and it really allows me to talk to her and just vent about our days or problems, very therapeutic itself.
Maybe take up woodworking or fix up your car?
It seems like keeping busy would really help curb your drinking.
Yeah I'm really throwing myself into my art. I paint and illustrate, the problem with that is I tend to find it very easy to drink smoke and draw...This year I have been very successful with my art. I sold my first painting a month ago and did a flyer for a punk show in my area. Soon to be doing more flyers as well album art. Shameless self promo in 3, 2, 1,...http://notalentpunkart.deviantart.com/0 -
Give it a couple years you will look back and be like dang that's why that happened.
Be kind to yourself,keep being healthy and enjoy what you love doing which is your art.
Good luck
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You've gotten a lot of great advice. But you already know what you need to do first: you said it yourself. Lose the smokes and the booze. Stop hiding from your grief. It's normal (sucky, but normal) to grieve.
Next: this is important, so listen up. Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man. You may not have seen the cracks in your relationship before, but when one person changes themself, the relationship must either change or die. She wasn't ready to embrace your change. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
Take care of yourself rather than numbing yourself or beating yourself up. You're a talented guy and you've taken ownership of your health in a very powerful way. Keep at it!
And here's the only thing I'm gonna suggest that you might think is goofy: every day, write down at least one thing you're grateful for. Preferably three. I know, I know. It seems gimmicky. Do it for 2 weeks anyway and see if you don't feel better.0 -
You've gotten a lot of great advice. But you already know what you need to do first: you said it yourself. Lose the smokes and the booze. Stop hiding from your grief. It's normal (sucky, but normal) to grieve.
Next: this is important, so listen up. Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man. You may not have seen the cracks in your relationship before, but when one person changes themself, the relationship must either change or die. She wasn't ready to embrace your change. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
Take care of yourself rather than numbing yourself or beating yourself up. You're a talented guy and you've taken ownership of your health in a very powerful way. Keep at it!
And here's the only thing I'm gonna suggest that you might think is goofy: every day, write down at least one thing you're grateful for. Preferably three. I know, I know. It seems gimmicky. Do it for 2 weeks anyway and see if you don't feel better.
"Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man" Right to my heart, thank you that means a lot!0 -
why is divorce so expensive?
because it is so worth it0 -
obviously she was not the one for you if she calls your amazing transformation, both inside and out, a threat to your marriage. someone who truly loves and supports you would be rallying around you and celebrating your successes. i'm really sorry for the devastation you must be feeling. do you have good friends you can talk to? a therapist? support groups? drinking heavily will TOTALLY derail you, if not endanger you. as for smoking, blech! hate to use the ole MFP buzz word, but don't sabotage yourself. you will find a person who will be the right one for you...it will take time (spoken from experience...i'm still waiting!).0
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I have no advice that hasn't already been covered, but I just wanted to wish you the best. Divorce is hard enough on its own and it's even harder when you're not the one gunning for it, even when it may be 'for the best.'
Take care.0 -
Can I just add that you aren't alone in struggling with the depression or the smoking/drinking habits. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have quit smoking at least 3 times in the last year. And yes, I have to quit again! (My friends will ream me if they read this.)
Totally reaming you....RIGHT NOW.....stahp it!
you too Mike.0 -
Can I just add that you aren't alone in struggling with the depression or the smoking/drinking habits. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have quit smoking at least 3 times in the last year. And yes, I have to quit again! (My friends will ream me if they read this.)
Totally reaming you....RIGHT NOW.....stahp it!
you too Mike.
Loves ya! :flowerforyou:0 -
That's awful! I am so sorry to hear that. I can see why this has affected your confidence, but really the issue is with her. The accusations and bitterness was her insecurity showing through.
To help you move on and get a more positive outlook, I would suggest counseling. Best of luck to you as you heal and move forward.0 -
Seriously I'm not a troll...My wife left after I lost 80lbs+. She kept making sarcastic jokes towards the end of our relationship about how she'd have to start chasing women away from me. Then the cheating accusations started to arise. I never cheated on her in fact I have a really hard time making friends much less getting into a woman's pants. She told me January 1st 2013 she wanted a divorce and immediately started seeing other men. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet! The only reason I ever started getting into shape was to live a healthy long life with the woman of my dreams (which was her). Now I have the body I've always dreamed of but my confidence is destroyed.
Now that that everyone is up to speed here's where I need help. I've started smoking heavily and drinking way way to much. It's starting to affect my workouts. I still work out as much as possible and I'm still losing weight. But my endurance is way down and my gains are seriously slowing. I was just curious if anyone had any ideas on staying focused on their routines and healthy lifestyles in a time of life turmoil or perhaps anyone else who might have experienced a similar situation.
Hey... it's her not you.. she either was looking for an excuse to leave or didn't want you to be better looking then her..
I know it's tough, but anyone who would drag you down like that isn't worth your time..
Just keep on making healthy choices and don't let yourself fall into a pit of despair. If she's going to drag you down, then she doens't deserve you. You're supposed to lift your spouse up and support and encourage them. Find a lady who will do this, and never let her go.0 -
Wow I teared up reading this... This sucks and is the total opposite.. Most ppl leave because they start to become unattracted to their mate... You lost weight and she dwanted to divorce you... I think you justmay need to get some therapy Hopefully that will work in your future.. I wish you the best of luck 0
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its true too, you get too hot, you lose your marriage, yep!0
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Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should seriously think about changing your handle. No Talent Mike? Show some love for yourself! What about Successful Mike! Healthy Mike! Determined Mike! Unstoppable Mike! Because you appear to be all of those things!
This was my thought, too.
A new username to go along with the new body and new confidence!
Sorry this happened
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