Fear of losing weight increased attention.please respond!

fitforlife34

Hello. I think some of the reason why it's hard for me to lose weight is bec of psychological issues which I will discuss over with a counselor. But I haven't posted in over four months and I always get such GREAT comments and learn from everyone here.

I am at my heaviest weight, 185lbs and I've been going through some tough times. I had to cancel my gym membership, (unemployed), stopped working out, being home I have eaten more. I am pretty worried. One of my fears of losing weight is the increased attention I may get from men. When I was 130lbs in 2001 I looked great, I had dates every week. But they were all a bunch of jerks. Then, even at my biggest weight, strange thing is, I can still get dates no problem. But they are STILL all jerks. Most just want sex, and I'm on this whole new spiritual path this year.

Do any single girls here notice that they got more male attention after they shed the lbs? Right now I just want to ward all men off, except for friends only. I have a hard time fighting it off, because I love attention, but it's hard for me to stay on the right path I'm heading. So in a way I am not losing weight, one reason: I don't want men paying attention to me, especially if I look much more attractive. How do I combat this fear?? Any suggestions? Thanks.

fitforlife34

AllonsYtotheTardis

It's amazing what an effect wearing a wedding band has. Pick one up at a pawn shop. Worth every penny.

tallpixels

I can totally relate! Especially in the summer, when I'm not hiding behind a coat and layers. I get attention anyway, but when I'm thinner, it's ridiculous! Like you, I love/hate the attention. It's ego boosting, but it also gets tiresome, especially when you just want to go on about your day and be left alone. Added is the fact that I live in a large city, where street harassment is way too common.

The only suggestion I can give - wear headphones. Never leave home without headphones. And practice closed body language, don't look too happy or open when you don't feel like being bothered. I'd say "dress down," but that doesn't always work... I think I get more attention when I'm not all dolled up because I look more attainable :P

helengetshealthy

Hahaha oh my god, if you weren't on my friend list I don't think I'd have seen this. I feel the same, not 100% the same though but here's how it is with me - I don't have loads of experience with men, and I feel uncomfortable when someone flirts with me because I don't know how to flirt back, and I'm also afraid of the potential for increased attention. But you know what, you'll be a stronger person in so many ways once you've lost the weight, so you'll be able to handle it, girl!

SweetestLibby

pretty much. I've lost 93 pounds. I've been going to the same gym during the same time period for several years. At 5'4 and 170 (I'd already lost a bit of weight by the time I joined this gym) a staff member did not notice me. At 5'4, 125 lbs, and comfortable enough to workout in leggings and a tank top he noticed me enough to say "You're a new face!" and ask me for my phone number.

It was pretty funny when I told him that I'd been coming to the gym nearly every weekday during the same time for at the time 2 years. His exact words were "no! I would have noticed you. You're too hot not to be noticed." Well add 90+ lbs and you wanted nothing to do with me.

I just learned to smile politely and say no thank you. Closed body language is also a good suggestion and when that fail just down right ignore them!

tallpixels

Oh, and about the jerky guys... I highly suggest the books "Why Men Love b*tches" and "Why Men Marry b*tches" By Shirley Argov. They changed my life! The name is deceptive - it doesn't teach you how to be a "b*tch" to guys, it lets you in on a lot of the tricks guys play (the author interviewed a bunch of guys and they told all), so you can be ahead of the game and not fall for the BS. Most guys will push for sex early on, but they will value you more if you make them earn it by letting them pursue you and "win" you over first.

I really like how she delves into male instincts and psychology. An analogy she gave (I'm paraphrasing) - You know how some men like to go on hunting trips? They'll sleep in tents, live off of uncooked hotdogs and trail mix, brave the cold, duck in muddy trenches, until they finally shoot a big stinking moose, then they drag the carcass home and proudly mount its head on their wall. But let's say someone took the exact same dead moose and left it on his doorstep, he'd want nothing to do with it. So essentially, when you give yourself over to a guy too easily, he didn't get the chance to "hunt/pursue" you, and you're like a dead moose left on his doorstep! Men enjoy the chase, regardless of what they say. That's why the guys you don't like blow your phone up, while the guys you dote on never seem to call you as much as you'd like.

There's also a lot about personal growth and self esteem. The idea is, once you've become the optimal, fulfilled, confident version of yourself, you'll glow from the inside and start attracting the right men too. Good luck!

Sunny_fit4life

In personal experience there has been absolutely zero correlation between my weight and the amount of attention I get from guys. As an earlier poster mentioned, the addition of a wedding band to my left hand absolutely did, but weight did not. Also, self confidence and the amount of effort I put into dressing well and looking nice did, but you can do this at any weight. I have been every weight from 125-240. The difference is that when you're smaller guys who like petite girls pay attention. When you're larger, guys who like thicker girls (or curvy or voluptuous or plus size or whatever term you prefer) pay attention.. Another thing I noticed is that the level of jerkyness/arseholery in these two groups of men (the ones who like petite girls and the ones who like voluptuous girls) is equal. So I don't believe it really matters.

I do however understand your feelings and fear of that extra attention. If you have the opportunity to discuss it with a counselor I think that's fantastic. Until then, just know you're not alone in that and many women feel that way. I think as long as you can assertively and politely let them know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are not currently interested, most men will be respectful and back off.

indy_cat

Try turning this situation around a little to simplify it.
Rather than worrying about deflecting the attention from men, focus on improving your health.
Then make positive decisions each day to get yourself in the best condition you can so that you will live longer.
You owe this to yourself and all the people that depend on you. :happy:

jljshoe1979

Just because someone gives you attention or pays you a compliment (or many), does not mean you have to go out with or get physical with them. It's your body and your decision. If you really don't want the attention, the wedding band and closed/stand-offish body language ideas are good suggestions. Don't let other people make your choices, if you like being thinner than you are now then go for it - otherwise, you are still letting "jerk" guys get to you.

neacail

The only suggestion I can give - wear headphones. Never leave home without headphones

And sunglasses. If you accidently make eye contact with someone while wearing headphones, they may still take that is an invitation to get chatty.

Between headphones and sunglasses, only the extremely determined will try to get your attention. I never leave home without both.:laugh:

Doctorpurple

Just don't make eye contact. I walk really fast and because of this phenemenon. I tune out my sorroundings when going in to public places. I just look straight to my path and keep going. I'm married now. My husband notices all the attention I get from guys even with him and he tells me the stuff they do but I don't really pay attention. In my opinion having a wedding band doesn't really change anything. I've been wearing a wedding band plus engagement ring and the attention stays the same. As with the jerks. I've never really experienced this. If you are dating people you meet at weird places then that may be why.

jbutterflye

It's easy to feel like a piece of meat. Once upon a time that really freaked me out actually. I've always gotten attention, but especially so when I'm thin. The difference for me I think is realizing that it's not that big a deal, the attention that is. I can say no. I can do some things with body language to put them off, and take some extra precautions. But overall, it's just acceptance that it's a part of life and it doesn't matter that much. I'm not special and there are lots of attractive people.

glovepuppet

i hate getting male attention in public.
i mean, i'm fine if i meet a guy who has a shared interest and that's why he talks to me,
but a guy talking to me just because i look like someone he'd want to bed feels gross.
i dress down, cover up, don't wear makeup, eyes front, don't look or smile at men, look busy.
a day when i feel like i passed as invisable is a good day. fake wedding bands rule!

glovepuppet

In personal experience there has been absolutely zero correlation between my weight and the amount of attention I get from guys.

i got the most male attention (stupid amounts, strangers fighting over me and trying to drag me away with them) when i was dangerously underweight. scary but true.
i think predatory types are more attracted to women who look physically or emotionally vulnerable, and weight can be a sign they pick up on. the men who pay me attention now i'm a healthy weight are a lot less scary.

SueGremlin

I totally understand. Male attention, or any attention that relates to my body makes me very very uncomfortable. It had to brace myself when I realized I was on the right track and was going to lose a significant amount of weight.

I was also sexually assaulted when I was a teenager and I think that has a lot to do with it. I don't want people looking at my body and noticing the size of my *kitten*! I had to come to terms with the fact that it is going to happen no matter how much I don't want it to, and the only way to handle it is to smile, thank the person and change topic as soon as I can. I've gotten better at it and it's not so bad now.

I get a lot of comments about my body now that I've lost a large amount of weight and look great. It gets easier.

JJordon

It's amazing what an effect wearing a wedding band has. Pick one up at a pawn shop. Worth every penny.

Those trinkets? They don't stop the determined. And those type of men pursue married women for a DIFFERENT set of reasons as they would pursue single women.

1ConcreteGirl

I just wanted to stop in and say good luck to you.

It's refreshing to hear someone takes away the good from these boards instead of focusing on what others might perceive as negative. Cheers! :drinker:

Pamko57

Try turning this situation around a little to simplify it.
Rather than worrying about deflecting the attention from men, focus on improving your health.
Then make positive decisions each day to get yourself in the best condition you can so that you will live longer.
You owe this to yourself and all the people that depend on you. :happy:

I agree with this. I'm 55, so a bit of older lady perspective here. I can tell you that if you are the kind of woman who attracts attention, you're going to attract attention, so you have to learn to handle it. I totally identify with your feelings, because I carried a lot of weight through my thirties that I know was in part to deflect male attention. Even then, I got it. I think of the years I wasted because I was afraid, but the fear was mostly of myself. I was in an unhappy marriage at the time.

With losing weight comes confidence and an inner glow, and men are attracted to that. I'm rambling, but I wanted to say this still happens to me. I'm happily married, wear a wedding ring and until the set fell out a few weeks ago, an engagement ring with a big ol' flashy rock in it. I'm friendly and silly and still attractive. It's older men now, but still.

In my twenties, I was basically sexually harassed in the workplace. That's just how it was. I learned to say things like, "in your dreams." Or, "you wish." Or whatever. Now it's "aren't you silly?" Or there's that down the nose look.

Lose the weight for you. Nobody else. Learn to deal with men. Take it for what it's worth and move forward through your life. For you being the best you can be. Don't let fear of attention keep you from that.

geekyjock76

Walk around with an unapproachable aura that gives people the impression you don't want interaction. Wear baggy sweats, too.

ripemango

something about your post kind of bothers me. i feel like you aren't looking for love! You deserve love : we all do.
You say that you are on a new spiritual path. I don't know to which path you are referring but maybe you could find a church, synagogue, meditation house, coven, Buddhist temple, mosque, or explore Seattle's meetup.com for groups that share a similar spiritual path as yourself. Maybe you could find friends and possibly even a potential partner who are in the same frame of mind spiritually.

All of our experiences will vary, but the most amt of attention i received from men was when I was engaged...so just wearing the engagement ring and not the wedding band. I was happy, so I'm sure it showed but I also think retrospectively that some of them thought that hey maybe I can be her last hoo-rah before she settles down. To be honest, sometimes I found it insulting being constantly hit on while I am obviously engaged and other times I found it flattering.

glovepuppet

something about your post kind of bothers me. i feel like you aren't looking for love!

this kind of offends me. like a person cannot possibly be complete, happy, fulfilled and full of self love if they aren't looking to get coupled up.

also, not wanting men to talk to you based on nothing but your looks... that's not the same as not wanting to talk to men at all. there are plenty of chances to meet people who have something in common with you, who aren't just talking to you because they like the wrapper.

WaterBunnie

Are you sure you're not just looking for an excuse not to get this done? Men can be base creatures but we are more than a match for them! ;-) Get fit for you and focus on yourself rather than the reactions of others and you won't go too far wrong.

labellecanuck

Self-sabotage because you don't trust yourself around men who are sexually attracted to you? Trying to ward off men won't work, and if it does, you'll probably be miserable due to the lack of attention.

You don't owe these men anything, and your experiences are more than simply a consequence of your environment. You have to work on yourself; building up enough strength and confidence that you don't feel the need to respond to men that hit on you.

ripemango

you're right - i shouldn't assume every1 wants a life partner....surely not all do.

[quote

something about your post kind of bothers me. i feel like you aren't looking for love!

this kind of offends me. like a person cannot possibly be complete, happy, fulfilled and full of self love if they aren't looking to get coupled up.

also, not wanting men to talk to you based on nothing but your looks... that's not the same as not wanting to talk to men at all. there are plenty of chances to meet people who have something in common with you, who aren't just talking to you because they like the wrapper.
[/quote]

Zylahe

Sigh, i never get hit on. Even now.
Surely i'm not the only one?

cleback

Good grief, I wish I had that problem! I'm married, but still, the attention would be nice.

The grass is always greener...

Sunny_fit4life

In personal experience there has been absolutely zero correlation between my weight and the amount of attention I get from guys.

i got the most male attention (stupid amounts, strangers fighting over me and trying to drag me away with them) when i was dangerously underweight. scary but true.
i think predatory types are more attracted to women who look physically or emotionally vulnerable, and weight can be a sign they pick up on. the men who pay me attention now i'm a healthy weight are a lot less scary.

That's an interesting point from your experience. I've never been underweight, so I wouldn't know. I think it's possible that some predatory types also see the same vulnerability in an overweight woman, especially if she's insecure about it. Nobody's ever fought over me though. I'm glad you're healthy now

It's amazing what an effect wearing a wedding band has. Pick one up at a pawn shop. Worth every penny.

Those trinkets? They don't stop the determined. And those type of men pursue married women for a DIFFERENT set of reasons as they would pursue single women.

Then tell them it's a purity ring and you're deeply religious. Quote bible verses about not having sex outside of marriage, then invite him to church. If that doesn't scare the creepers off, I don't know what will.

Walk around with an unapproachable aura that gives people the impression you don't want interaction. Wear baggy sweats, too.

Women should not have to do this. We should be able to feel pretty and presentable for ourselves.

alastria

Looool...I wouldn't even be able to understand this fear of getting attention from men. Maybe it's where I live, or maybe it's just that I'm just THAT unattractive, but I've never gotten attention from men. Like ever. I've never really had problems with walking down the streets or at work, or with friends.

I think that you should focus on your weight goals before making an excuse not to do them because of "what if". Deal with certain issues as they arise, as it is possible that it won't even BE a problem.

glovepuppet

That's an interesting point from your experience. I've never been underweight, so I wouldn't know. I think it's possible that some predatory types also see the same vulnerability in an overweight woman, especially if she's insecure about it. Nobody's ever fought over me though. I'm glad you're healthy now

better men are attracted to healthier, happier women. i've no desire for either a predator or a knight in shining armour, which is what i got in droves when i was nothing but a wisp.

i'm certain predatory types respond to a lot of different perceived weaknesses. obesity, being underweight, timid demeanor. they certainly don't like toned muscles on confident, intelligent women.

glovepuppet

on the plus side, once i get pestered walking past a construction site once, i'll get plenty of extra exercise rearranging my route to avoid walking past it again.

alastria

You're NOT the only one. I NEVER get hit on. Ever. All my friends have stories about being hit on or creepy people, but....I can't even think of one time. Whether it be with strangers, friends, or creepy people.