Some folks take the family thing too far

MB_Positif

There have been like a zillion family weddings I wasn't even invited to. Who cares. Don't go if you don't want to. Our grandparents generation would dare miss it, but then again, most of them never left the town they grew up in, so they don't get why you would miss a family event.

RedHeadDevotchka

Nope don't agree with the family is family a d you stick by them no matter what.
I have an aunt who calls me an 'amazon' her way of saying I'm fat, I dress like a slut, and I only visited my grandpa in the hospital for his money. OH and she told me straight out that my mom killed my dad (he was overweight and ate himself to death). Pfft I don't talk to her. Do your own thing and be happy!

AddieOverhaul

I have friends that are way more like family to me than some of my family members. I've had the family card thrown at me too, but i say if someone treats me badly over and over and over again, and nothing changes after years of me trying to make things better, then I give up! I've moved on. I will be civil if I see them at family events, but other than that, I no longer care.

Your cousin sounds pretty awful, I wouldn't feel bad at all, ESPECIALLY if you didn't even get an invite!

tripitena

No doubt no one can hurt you like family can.

I see nothing wrong with OP ditching this cousins wedding. You can bet this cousin knows damn well why. You can't be a total *kitten* to people in the way described and not know you're being an *kitten*.

Life is awful short to cater to the feelings of people who crap on you.

sPaRkLiNgLYFE

yes i have and i cut them off.

MercenaryNoetic26

I think I treat my sister like crap, but I'm always there for her! lol It's love/hate.

I hear ya though, there's family members who you go to all their functions and they never show up to yours... well, I learned long ago to forget about them. Or the family that borrows, never pays you back and will never loan you a penny if you ever need it!

Yes, treat people how you want to be treated. I find myself being overly nice to people because of this and then getting taken advantage of from time to time. Oh, well; karma.

quirkytizzy

Life is awful short to cater to the feelings of people who crap on you.

LOVE. THIS. Going to use that as mantra!

Timshel_

I have a lot of family I chase after to keep in touch with. That's just me though. I try to keep things going, even if they are flakes.

scythswife

Just to clarify, if there have been invites sent out....nobody in my house got one. And my grandma is quick to pull the family card but she has a grandchild that she treats badly, so I kinda take her "family" speeches with a grain of salt.

If your aunt asks tell her sorry no one in your house recieved an invitation and other plans had been made.

JJordon

Relations by blood do not have to be family necessarily, tell her/him to shove it.

And then go fly a kite.

phillrachel

For me, family isn't about blood. Family are the folks that are there for you, want the best for you, are at your side when you need it. I am a strong believer in treating people the way they treat you.

100% agree with you. Without going into too much detail, I have an extremely tumultuous relationship with my Mother. At 33 years old, I finally decided the stress and conflict that she adds to my life is just not worth it to me. I have very little interaction with her at this point. She lives less than a mile away, and even though she and I don't get along, she makes no attempts to see her grandson's who are 3 and 8 y/o. It's sad really.

I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 31 with two young daughters. My mother lives less than a mile away. She hasn't called me since January 1st. The only time in the past 10 years I hear from her is if I call her. I decided in January that I was done keeping the relationship going. If she wants to see her grandchildren she could call. She chooses not too. Although I have a feeling later this week I will get a text from her about Easter and me coming. I'm sure she wants appearances to look good for her other family. She will only text me because she doesn't know how to call and I will not be answering that text. My in laws are more involved in my life and the life of my children. Its sad like you said, especially when its your own parent.

To original poster, your grandma just wants appearances to be good. Don't go if you don't feel close to your cousin. Especially since she didn't formally invite you. Go on your trip and have a great time.

UsedToBeHusky

Just to clarify, if there have been invites sent out....nobody in my house got one. And my grandma is quick to pull the family card but she has a grandchild that she treats badly, so I kinda take her "family" speeches with a grain of salt.

Yeah... just tell grandma you didn't get an invitation and you've already made plans.

LMT2012

I find this thread fascinating. And while it supports something i am going through, it is a shame to see just how many of us aren't close to "family".
Takes a lot of maturity to choose your relationships based on who builds and suppports you versus just happened to be born in the same house or bloodline.

madyncaden

I have never been close to my blood family due to a decision I made to change custody from my dad to my mom in high school. I was "abandonded" by my dads family for being a teen girl that wanted to live with her mom. For me family are those that want to and have a part in my life. I am far closer to my step family than my blood family. I also have encountered this with my inlaws. They pull this family card crap all the time, but I have yet to see any of they be a part of my family life, other than to causeproblems. Bottom line, it is your life and you need to do what makes you happy and what betters your life. Being respectful to how I react and speak to others concerning the issue is my goal . As long as I can be respectful to decline, then I have done all I need to to treat people right!

subconscious_ink

I hate the family card, and I REALLY hate the parent card.

My father was an abusive alcoholic in my childhood. He did things to me that no daughter should endure.

As an adult, if I am around my father and he is drinking, he STILL acts inappropriately. On top of that, he is constantly critical and disapproving of anything I do. He is aggressive about telling me how much he hates my husband (of 8 years) and how I don't need college, and why isn't minimum wage good enough for me?

He pedestals my sister. She's 19, married to an abusive man, and has a baby she doesn't take care of. She doesn't have college, or a job, and the army kicked her out. But she didn't talk to my dad for 4 years and I did, so he is enthralled with her attention, and mine is unnecessary.

I spent many months at a time not talking to my father. I think I have good reason. I have tried to repair my relationship with him, and my husband always encouraged that, even though he is treated badly. But a lot of my friends have had parent losses, especially father losses. They always criticize me for not giving him another chance. "You only get one father", "you're gonna regret this one day", "you have to be the better person because it will kill you inside when he dies". I hate this crap. YOU may miss YOUR father, but I can't imagine anyone missing my father, a man who still drinks himself to sleep every night and emotionally abuses me whenever I let him near me.

Went through something like this with my father. I eventually cut off all contact and haven't spoken to him since I was about 15. Relatives tried to pull the parent card on me, but in the end, you have to do what is best for yourself, and there is no way that all that abuse is what is best for you.

Yes, I will be sad when my father dies. He is, in the loosest sense of the word, my parent. But, will I regret cutting off contact? Not at all. There's no use going through torture for years just to possibly have some tiny scraps of happy memory when that person dies.

BamBam125

It's a difference in one's moral philosophy. For some people, they define their moral by a sense of duty (Kant's moral imperative for example). This sounds like your grandma to me. Others are utilitarian driven (whatever does the most good for the greatest number of people). Still others get tied up in the notion of virtues and vices (Aristotle). There are more philosophies, but those are some of the biggies that I remember.

As for me, (and it sounds like for you too) I find I agree most with a so-called "Feminist" philosophy. The name is misleading. It's just called that because it's the first philosophy proposed by a woman to get a lot of traction in academic circles. It's not really girl-power philosophy at all. Anyway, the gist of it is that people determine what is morally right or wrong based off relationships. The nature of the relationship (father to daughter, cousin to cousin, boss to employee, store to customer, political allies, etc) and how much that relationship is valued (a close relationship, an abusive relationship, a useful but not vital relationship, etc) determines what actions what should "rightly" take to maintain or grow the relationship. The more intimate the relationship and the more you value it, the more you are morally expected to do for the sake of the relationship.

In this case, it's a distant cousin and you aren't close, so you feel you should not have to do much for it. If you were invited, I think RSVPing "no" in a timely fashion and maybe send a card is probably fine. I live out of state, had a small wedding, and did not invite most of my adult cousins. A few aunts were annoyed by this at first, and one didn't come as a result (we think she just used it as an excuse to stay home after she learned an invited grandma also wasn't coming because her health was too poor), but most people were very understanding and were not offended by our choice.

Your grandma sounds like the sort that has a duty mindset. So in her opinion, you have a duty to attend because that's your responsibly as part of the family. To not go, is to neglect your moral duty as a family member--in her eyes. If you are comfortable disappointing your grandma, that's completely up to you. If you weren't invited, just tell your grandma that and it should take the pressure off you though.

cherchechristine

I get it all the time (and we're talking about a STEP grandparent in my case) I do not like this woman, every time I see her I get the knife in the back about being single and not having kids because all of my cousins (and now my sister) do. She does not get that this hurts me because it's not that I don't want marriage and kids, I do, but if I can't find a guy that's interested in me, there is not a lot I can do about it (I've tried dating sites-on which I get the scammers, I tried a matchmaking service- not even close to being matched with someone that was interested, my friends don't know anybody to try to set me up with) so I'm out of luck. She doesn't get that it is torture to go to family gatherings and see the two cousins that have two kids each, the one cousin with nine kids (yes, I said nine... and they're not done yet) and now my sister with my nephew, I literally cry for days up to these events, dread going, upset the entire time I'm there, and cry for days when I get back.
Why do I go? Because I get the "family" card or the reminder that my grandfather is not going to be around much longer... and I have a huge guilty conscience... I'm doing my best to distance myself, my family is starting to make it much easier since they seem to suddenly be incapable of planning things far enough in advance that I can get the time off (and they are getting to where they assume that I can just take time off whenever I want so I will be there) doesn't work that way with my job, I've got another coworker to consider because of our on call coverage schedule, we make plans around when we are not on call, and don't change the schedule unless we absolutely must. Their luck ran out after this weekend

You are doing the right thing--distancing yourself. I did not marry until 34 and then I never had children b/c I was widowed at 36 and remarried at 38. By that time...it was too late. Now, don't get me wrong-I would have loved to have kids, etc. but it wasn't in the cards. I know my mom/dad think differently towards me b/c of it...and they are enjoying their grandkids from my siblings but it is still hurtful. Bottom line--i don't dwell on it and truly believe that it wasn't meant to be. I have a great husband and we have a great life minus the kids. I have come to realize that happiness isn't automatic just b/c you are married and have kids. Believe me you...those families you see may not be the happiest and deep down they may resent or envy you b/c of your independence, etc. I have come to realize you really don't know what goes on in people's lives behind closed doors. Don't seek out a husband just for kids. GO out enjoy your life..work hard...save your money so you can travel and buy a house before you get a husband..seek hobbies you enjoy and then you'll meet that special one who enjoys similar things...the rest will be history...happiness comes from within and it is up to you...no man nor child will bring you happiness so don't let you family guilt you into it...i think they may want your life!!

figureformin

I am a strong believer in treating people the way they treat you.

I don't agree with that way of thinking, it doesn't make us any better off and it solves nothing. You can "not" attend and still be the bigger person:)

Lisa1971

Oh screw the family card thing! We don't speak with 2 of my mom's brothers and 2 of my aunts and 2 cousins. They are just pure evil and have done many things illegal and immoral. I wouldn't care if they dropped off the face of the earth!

Dead_Darling

Unfortunately my mum pulled out the family card two years ago for my cousin's wedding - in Mauritius. It sucked. I spent the whole time out there doing the housework at my aunt's house, and didn't go out. I was homesick lol. At the wedding, my other cousins started having arguments with me for not visiting them often - Mauritius is 6,000 miles away, how can I afford to visit every time?! -_-

I vowed not to go there for a very long time, and I've never felt so glad!

ShannonS2714

Relations by blood do not have to be family necessarily, tell her/him to shove it.

This.

REAL family are those that you choose to keep close.....not those that you had no control in being related to.

barb1241

Yes. My mother has abused and harassed me since the day I was born. 7 years ago I said, "No more". Biology is NOT the only consideration for allowing someone in your life.

Somne folks think it is awful because she is "my mother". But, a Mom doesn't treat her children that way. I sure as &)%%E$W# would NEVER do that to my own children.

If your cousin is not a significant part of your life-then there's no reason to feel any sort of obligation.

hellraisedfire

I avoid the family card really. ever since my dad died, my family's basically shunned me for being "different". aka I wear mostly black and I'm an engineer and GIRLS DON'T DO THAT (and I'm adopted).

the most realistic family I have is my "uncle", who was my dad's best friend. our families immigrated from Italy together over 100 years ago. he's the best thing I have to a "blood" relative.

hollyk57

My honest opinion is that regardless of them being family or not - good people deserve to be in your life, and bad/negative ones don't. I haven't spoken to my father in over 4 years now, and don't plan to again, because he's a terrible, abusive person who made my life miserable for the first 25 years of my life. I moved 2000 miles away from him and a toxic family environment, and finally found the peace and happiness I never thought I could, and married the man of my dreams. I was told I was abandoning my family - that no matter how bad a person is they are still family and I should love them and talk to them regardless... that's simply not true. If someone treats you terribly, it doesn't matter who they are - it's time to move on and live your life happy.

MeIShouldB

Family isn't always family.

PREACH

MeIShouldB

Life is awful short to cater to the feelings of people who crap on you.

LOVE IT