Feminine Problem

ajhugz

Teach us what they should? What, to read the instructions on the box?

I love making fun of girls who grew up with a single dad who have honest legitimate questions. I am so cool.

[/quote

u make fun of us? *cries in corner while reminiscing about daddy/daughter period talks lol ]

MeMyCatsandI

This thread is awesome!
And btw, you can wear a tampon up to 8 hours. WORD. Says so right on my box of Kotex.

PetulantOne

"So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup". Since feminine hygine supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha.

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps. Now, I am no stranger to gore. Nor am I squeamish about my delicate rose of delight, except that I have no such illusions about it and indeed am always reminded of nothing so much as stuffing an oddly-warm raw turkey. So, when after several weeks of teasing, the Period Fairy threatening to postpone the Communist Invasion until I was actually getting on the plane (I was about ready to scream and cry at some hapless unwary male just as a sacrifice to appease her) at last I greeted the rosy-fingered dawn and set about embarking on my new life as a eco-friendly Diva.

The Moon Cup comes in two sizes; Size A, for youthful nymphs under 30 who have never given birth and have silken tresses and tinkling laughs and are all size 0, and size B, for Big Ol' *****es like m'self, who have either spawned, or are so old (ie over 30) that they might as well have been poppin' them out like Duggar Donuts, because their sugar walls are now echoing corridors full of cobwebs and slackness. Of course the packaging phrases it more nicely, but I was miffed to see that despite having never replicated, I was still doomed to the Big Gulp size because of my age alone.

So, chalice in hand, fingers washed, and let's fold that thing like a taco (no, not THAT thing, the other thing!) and cram it up where only one man has gone before and even then not for a damn long time even when he WAS still around. I'm sure I imagined the rusty creaking sounds as I tried to shove something which was larger than anything previous (with the exception of various medical speculums which, I believe, were constructed by the same person who designed the Montlake Drawbridge)into the Gaping Maw.

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel.

There is, also, a small stem at the base of this cup, which, being made of the same slippery silicon and about a centimeter long, is about as helpful as providing a live, untrained earthworm for a handle. More on this later.

So, rotate this thing in situ, to ensure a good 'seal' and a comfortable fit.

Does. Not. Happen.

Ladies (and gentlemen, although I hope for your sake none of you gentlemen are reading this), I tried. I hauled that thing in and out of there more times, and with much less joy, than Eeyore with his birthday present, and not once could I get that thing to "turn easily". I finally gave up, since it seemed, at one point, to be "fully inflated" and more or less in the right place. Frankly I think that having left my furrow unplowed for so long, I'm not exactly the proper degree of hotdog-hallway that the instruction-writer was intending to address, but so be it. Let's give this thing a whirl, if we can't give it a twist.

Fast forward a few hours in which I've done nothing much. To its credit, I don't feel the presence of THE CUP at all, no discomfort, not even a vague sense of "eugh" as I sometimes have when knowing all that stands between me and my khakis is a small cottony Dutch boy. In fact, I'm getting rather concerned that the Diva Cup has wormed its way in like some form of parasitic jellyfish and is now eagerly migrating up my fallopian tubes, with me all unknowing. Time to go fishing.

And that is where I discover that, while it's difficult to try and 'turn' a Diva Cup newly lodged in your sanctum sanctorum, it's a freakin' log-fall compared to trying to recover said Cup after it has gotten comfortably settled in the downy folds of your blood-engorged tissues. Yes, indeed, if cram my fingers up there to the point of pain, I can just, tantilizingly, tickle the end of that goddamn silicone 'stem'. Grasp it? Not in hell.

Of course the instructions say, if this happens, DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives. There were instructions for different positions, and "bearing down" and so forth, which I tried, to no avail, and I was pretty sure that my ham-fisted efforts (ahem) were just making things worse on the "swollen" front, so Diva and I took a break, and retired to our respective corners for an hour or so.

Now I brought out my secret weapon: Beer. If, gods help me, I ever have to have a baby, I intend to be drunk off my *kitten* for the delivery, and I surely hope that the Fairy Prince Unicorn Elvis who is my chosen Babydaddy will provide a bedside IV of godly ambrosia, or at least Jim Beam. But anyway, two beers and I'm good to go spelunking in quest of the Holy Grail once more.

Either the beer, or the break, or the combination of all of these and squatting on the bathmat like a Neanderthal crapping, finally, produced enough of that goddamn 'stem' to grab (which was good, because I was dreading having use the kitchen tongs Up There or something) and, with a surprising amount of horrible suctioning "discomfort", the invader was routed! And, wonder of wonders, it was indeed partially filled. Not filled with DELICIOUS CANDY, no, but it did seem to have been, you know... -working-, before I so rudely dislodged it from its parasitic feeding. I felt a combination of grudging respect and intrigue, as one might upon meeting a foe worthy of their steel. Provided we could agree to disagree on the whole "turn 360 degrees in place" aspect, perhaps this could indeed be a workable partnership. Better than bleeding into the Rupununi and attracting every caiman, pirahna, and candiru fish for fifty miles.

But not without some boundaries first. I tied a ROPE to that stupid stem this time."

:laugh:

EmGetsFit

Funniest. Thread. Ever.

iggyboo93

Hold the phone - why do you change it every time you pee?

LOL glad you asked cause I was gonna......

Whew! I thought I was doing it wrong. Brought back horrible memories of the first time I used a tampon - men turn away - I didn't realize that you had to remove the applicator (hey I was 14 years old and too stupid to read the instructions). I walked around like the tin man before he got his joints oiled and couldn't sit down (picture plywood board leaned up against the couch).

nevmarchant

I can only add this. safe for work. mostly. but freaking hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZqPQPhsuX4

Amazon_Who

"So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup"....

OMG, I literally have tears running down my face. Thank God I have my own office or else my coworkers would think I am mad. Thank you for this, this is the funniest thing I have read in a very, very long time!

Oh god yes--laugh outloud funny. In fact probably the funniest thing that I have read since I joined MFP 270 days ago! There was that "making waffles" thread though...

Agreed! My oldest son wants to know what is so funny.

Amazon_Who

I can only add this. safe for work. mostly. but freaking hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZqPQPhsuX4

OMG this is too funny. Something similar happen to me. My dad was at home and mom was at work. He was almost ready to take me to the ER because of the pain I was in. When it actually started it was a relief that it was only my first period.

MireyGal76

Bump

In case I ever need to know how to insert a tampon.

A friend of mine put one up his... ya know... just to try to figure out what we women feel.

For the record a tampon in a man's butt does NOT feel like a tampon in a woman's vagina. (Not sure if what I'm typing makes sense, but whatever).

I mean.....
good for him, seems like a he really wanted to sympathize with women?
...but that's a bit weird lol

the only way he could even remotely sympathize was if he was on a colon cleanse at the time...

sizzle74

you do not pee out of the same hole... not even close.
leave the tampon alone

I don't know about you, but my holes are pretty darn close.

elisabeisme

I just discovered Softcups, and I can't believe I've wasted the last 20 years on tampons and pads. And they have an eco-friendly one that is reusable for one cycle. Awesome.

I discovered Soft Cups last year too. Like the first time you try tampons, you gotta learn how to use them. But now, I can't imagine ever going back to tampons. Unlike the diva or moon cup, the Softcup has no weird stick-thingy. No more tampons in my purse. No more worrying about string rubbing or wet string. No more leakage. No more dry fanny. Can even do the funky chicken with my beau on lighter days without taking it out. I'm afraid the "can't tonight, Aunt Flo is in town" excuse is a goner.

Yup, tampons are SO last year.

jessykab74

Oh I'm giggling! I was all worried for a moment that I was SUPPOSED to change them every time I pee. And I would have been very wrong for the past 20 years!! Yes, you don't need to change them when you use the bathroom. Every 4 - 6 hours should do it. Phew!

Haha I was thinking the same thing!!

hookilau

Since feminine hygine supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha.

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps.

o.m.g. you, my friend, are my hero :laugh: :laugh: :smooched:
That was THE most entertaining read I've had in, gawd, I can't remember when.

slflorian

Hold the phone - why do you change it every time you pee?

LOL glad you asked cause I was gonna......

Me too! I'm still imagining your changing this once to twice an hour.....O U C H!!!!!
Seriously...no need to do that!

Thats what I was thinking! OUCH! I only change mine every 3 - 5 hours depending on flow otherwise its painful if you pull it out dry. Also, someone mentioned Toxic Shock - removing them before they are fully soaked can lead to that as well because some of the cotton can shed and stay inside.

Smash323

That Diva cup review is priceless! I never could master it after so many months of trying. I like to use Insteads instead -- I'm assuming those are like the Soft Cup others have mentioned...

And to our dear OP, not changing my tampon every time I peed didn't dawn on me either until I was getting ready with friends in the bathroom, and one person announced that she had to pee, but was annoyed that she had just put in a new tampon. It was group consensus that told me to just hold the string out of the way of the pee, wipe thoroughly, and then wash up!

I had a mom who I could talk to about such things... but I never thought to ask! I'm glad you asked us and got some sage advice, in addition to some healthy snark and colorful commentary! Who knew such a thread could be so fun?!

KayteeBear

Menstraul cup-problem solved

^^Seconded.

My vote too. I know a lot of ladies here seem to get the heebie jeebies about using a menstrual cup but it's the BEST EVER thing I've ever used for my period and recommend it to everyone.

kelfran1

That Diva cup review is priceless! I never could master it after so many months of trying. I like to use Insteads instead -- I'm assuming those are like the Soft Cup others have mentioned...

I love Instead! I found that it has a waaaaay shallower learning curve than permanent menstrual cups. The Softcup is just an Instead cup that you use for the entire week. So, they are both still disposables that need to be re-purchased, but it is an easier option for those who haven't gotten the hang of a permanent cup.

cbfliz

As a Brit, I have to say all the cup references in the food database have confused me for quite a while but now thanks to this thread I understand at last! :laugh:

twiztedminded575

Wow, I'd be changing mine every 30 minutes. I'd use a whole box in one day! What I do is put the string to the side and pee away. None gets anywhere it's not supposed to XD LMAO

FeebRyan

Menstrual cups are amazing, shorter periods. No bleach and chemicals up your fadge and beyond the initial cost, free!

Love mine.