Trying to overcome my parents' bullying

CCusedtodance

This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.

Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.

Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:

^ Another for this. I have had very little contact with my parents for the last 2 decades and every time I have, I've regretted it. Respect yourself, move on and find friends. Sometimes family doesn't deserve you.

I agree with all the above. I too cut my parents out of my life due to their mental abuse. For years I let it haunt me, I let them torment me (even as an adult) and when I cut them from my life it hurt; however I barely think of them now and I am soooooo much happier.

glovepuppet

You are right, I'm calling the doctor on Monday.

i'm smiling now

ashvegas99

I really sympathize with you about the bullying issues in most cases its like reading about myself. even though my situation is a bit different than yours. I lost so far 74 pounds of the 250 I weighed. I thought once I got thinner the bullying would quit. the bully is my step - Grandma. I feel very proud of my accomplishments but she drags them down. when we go to dinner she eats twice what I do yet barks at me for eating something. one time she had her plate piled high with sweets and then me I had one mini cupcake as I was sweets free for a while and thought why not treat me to 1 mini cupcake. well she began to bark

then last Sunday i went to see my friends in concert we went to the buffer at pizza hut she ate 4 times more than me and was barking at my eating also. I got to the point where I had enough so right or wrong I said umm look I weigh 176 pounds lost a total of 74 pounds. I am working out , trying to eat right and I have my days. but here you are pigging out on sweets, pizza piled high and are weigh more than me. yet you constantly bark at me . well no more you need to look at your self. after I said what I did she said I'll shut up now.

I still feel even though I eat better and smaller portions and don't need to be ashamed whenever she comes in the house I feel like I need to sneak really quickly to get something to eat when I am hungry like its some kindo f crime. She doesn't like me to begin with because she uses the infamous I'm mean because I'm old trick and she knows that doesn't fly and I told her your mean cause you choose to be and age has nothing to do with. I know younger people who are mean and older people who are as sweet as apple pie. both of them made the choice on how to act.

I am sorry about your parents treating you so badly. I would speak up for yourself and tell them there bullying and hurtful comments don't help any. I know your not of the age I am where I could put that bully in their place with repercutions but they do need to know how it makes you feel.

I am sorry. I'm glad you stood up to her though.

I have a grandmother who is the same way, which I guess is why my dad is messed up. My grandpa, who was my mothers father and who I was closer to, passed away. I was all sad from that. We were just sitting there eating dinner one night and she just says to me, "Looks like you've put on some weight". Mind you, I was a healthy size 10. I had to excuse myself and cry.

Words can hurt you. I'm learning just to move on and not dwell, but it's not always easy.

MissJanet55

One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.

I grew up with a similar dynamic. My father was very heavy, as was my younger sister. My mom and I were more naturally slender.

My sister seemed to come out of the womb heavy. We did the same activities and mostly ate the same meals, but she was always heavy. And the pressure on her to lose weight created a lifetime of disordered eating. As a child, she would sometimes have separate meals from the rest of us - we'd be having dinner (a protein, a starch and vegetables) and she would be served a quarter head of iceberg lettuce with diet salad dressing and a diet soda. She eventually became bulimic, and struggles with what she eats to this day.

I'm sure your parents don't think they could be setting you up for a lifetime of struggle. I agree with previous posters - I hope you find a counsellor or a group for some help in relearning your relationship with food. I expect that your mom and dad are doing what they think is best. It's not helping you, but I doubt it is intended to be hurtful.

lynn1982

I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

Honestly, reading your story, it sounds like you had an awful childhood. Some of what you wrote sounds like downright abuse (the treadmill example, for instance), but other things reminded me of what my mother used to say to me when I was a kid. From the time I was 8 years old, I was chubby and simply liked food. My mom used to tell relatives that I had the appetite of all of them put together. In private, she would tell me that she never had an appetite like that as a kid, so she didn't know where I got it from. I dreaded going to the doctor for my yearly check up because I was always told that I was fat and needed to "eat less." Granted, I used to sneak food, but I don't think I started doing that until I was about 12 years old (and that's a whole other story!). One year, I think I was about 13, I told my mom that I didn't want to be fat for my yearly check-up, so she put me on a diet, based on her own weight watcher's diet. She controlled everything I ate, and I lost weight. My doctor was actually concerned that I had an eating disorder and brought it up with my mom, who laughed and told her that I didn't have the ability to be "anorexic," as if that would have been better than having a fat daughter. After then, I remember any time I would eat a snack that wasn't healthy, my mom would just look at me and tap herself on the *kitten*, basically telling me that everything I ate was going to my *kitten*. I never really felt like she was bullying me - perhaps because she passed away 5 years later and never really saw the full extent of my food issues.

All that being said, I don't think my mom was intentionally trying to bully me or be mean in any way. She just didn't know how else to deal with it. She had her own food issues and was constantly going to weight watchers, but was always over weight. Looking back, I know that her methods to lose weight were unhealthy and not methods that a 10 year old should emulating - she skipped breakfast and would sometimes even skip lunch in order to "save up" for a giant bowl of pasta for dinner. Other times she would make smoothies using artificial sweetener (say what you will about those chemicals, they give me a migraine and should not be given to children). The rule in my house growing up was that you do not drink your calories - this meant that I grew up on a steady diet of diet coke. She would deprive me of food in the same way that she deprived herself, so by late afternoon, I would gorge on chocolate chip cookies before anyone came home. She was a good mom otherwise, and I don't think she would have knowingly done any of that if she knew it was harming me emotionally. It has taken me a long time to figure out that a lot of my food "issues" come from how I was raised. I never saw it as bullying though, so I'm not trying to compare our situations. Working with a therapist can help you to gain back your self esteem but also try to figure out where your parents' food issues come from so that you can heal your relationship with them too, if you're interested in doing so.

toaster6

I say this with absolutely ZERO amount of spite, sarcasm, or anything else of that nature:

The internet is not a substitute for a therapist.

Athena53

Hello, I've tried just letting things go. Sometimes, this crap comes back up. It's a lot harder than you think to just shut it all out of my damn mind.

You're darn right. This hit a nerve because I had a bad marriage to a man who was verbally abusive to me and to our son- nothing related to weight, but abuse is abuse, and there's no such thing as "only" verbal abuse. It took me years after the divorce to get rid of the voices in my head that were telling me I couldn't do something, I was wrong, etc. My career started to take off after I married current DH, who is positive and supportive. DS took a long time to heal (DH helped there, too) but he's a wonderful young man and about to marry a young woman we really like.

But to get back to your posts- I'm glad you're going to seek therapy. Sometimes when you're entrenched in an abusive relationship, abuse starts to seem normal and it takes conversations with poeple outside the relationship for you to see it for what it is. The counseling I got on and off while I was married to my Ex eventually helped me detach.

You mentioned ahusband so I hope you're no longer living with your parents. In that case, it should be easier to stand up to them, and to cut off contact with them if you decide that's the only way to save yourself.

sunsnstatheart

I say this with absolutely ZERO amount of spite, sarcasm, or anything else of that nature:

The internet is not a substitute for a therapist.

I hear what you're saying, but for some it works pretty well and costs quite a bit less.

I personally gave up on therapists when, at 19, I found out that my psychologist was talking to my mother about both my sessions and my then girlfriend's sessions. My mother apparently manipulated her way into that one. I've had other issues with the profession, and at least here I can be somewhat anonymous. In any event, I would have gone after a couple of professional licenses if I had to do it again.

I guess what I'm saying is be supportive but let the OP find her own way.

tvanhooser

My "revenge" for this sort of treatment is to get back to the weight I was when I first was called "fat" but this time to be smart enough to know that that weight is NOT in the least bit fat for my height but right smack dab in the middle of my healthy range. So anyone mess with me at that point or try to criticize or bring me down better bring crash gear cause I won't be the one falling for it this time!!

migueltavares

It will feel so gooooood when you get a fit body...kharma will do it's job, don't worry.

Coyoteldy

I have to say this.. the ONLY person that matters in this journey is YOU. YOU are important enough, pretty enough, smart enough and wonderful enough to take care of yourself. Yes it will comeback up from time to time but you need to keep the one person who matters in this as the focus..YOU...Take care of you, make the choices that are good for YOU... we so often let other people or incidents derail us because we lose focus... take care of YOU baby...the others can either fall in line or get the hell out of the way..It took me a very long time to learn this....and it was painful for some and others were thrilled.. Hang in there!!

thecakelocker

My mom was fat when I was small and then suddenly lost a ton of weight. She turned around on me, then chubby, and turned food and weight into this constant battle. She used to do things like say I was too fat for my nicer clothes and take them for herself, force me to do exercise videos, start remarking in disgust over food I ordered in restaurants in front of the waiters, and make me go on that Fing military diet that keeps getting posted here. I had to go on the military diet about once a month for a miserable six month stretch. I was also talked into doing the Master Cleanse at one point. She would sit me down and tell me things like "You'll never be happy unless you lose weight," "You probably got so fat because you didn't want boys to look at you," "If you keep eating like that you'll weigh 200 pounds by the time you're 15," "If you don't lose weight by the time you're 20 there's no point because you'll have so much loose skin," etc.

This was between the ages of 11 and 16. My highest weight was 150 pounds. I was barely scraping into overweight.

I really believe she was projecting some severe issues about her own weight onto me, and that in her mind she was 'saving' me, but it set me up with some severe issues about food that it took me a very long time to get over. Now that I've successfully lost weight and I'm happy and healthy and eating treats when I want, she has ballooned up to over 300 lbs and eats literally nothing but Oreos, cakes, pastries, and soda. She gets very snarky about me exercising and seems disgruntled by the fact that I've been doing great for a year now.

I don't think a lot of parents know how they're hurting their kids when they do this kind of thing. I feel bad for her now because I know she was trying to help and had/has huge issues about food. All I can do is watch myself and make sure I don't do the same to my own daughter.

Good luck, OP. It takes time, but you can let go of this stuff.

fit4lifeUcan2

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I have got today. But a few comments I am having trouble digesting.

I am really trying to overcome this, but some of you never had to grow up in an environment like this. I know my parents loved me, but sometimes they were so mean to me. They have called me a snob just because I didn't have friends growing up because most of the kids were mean to me. I got called a dumbass once for not understanding what my mom said. I also wasn't allowed to cry around them when I cried. If I cried, I got spanked and yelled at more.

Those of you who want to know, I'm currently grown and have moved out and have married someone who is very supportive. But I still struggle with the all of the memories. It's harder than you think just to get over it.

Also, I still love my parents and talk to my mom daily. They have been less abusive, but there have been times they have been mean. My husband is also overweight and they have made fun of him behind his back. My mom also told me that I needed to lose weight before I bought a wedding gown, which hurt.

I have accepted this: I obviously can't make them happy, so I have to make myself happy, so that's why I'm here

I know exactly what your talking about. My mother refused to go with me to look at wedding gowns. I ended up going alone. The only person with me was the women who worked at the bridal shop.

You have a new life now. A husband who loves and cares about you.

I didn't realize that I could just break away from my family till a therapist asked me why do I continue to allow these people to cause me so much pain and anguish? She told me I didn't have to associate with them. I guess I was looking for permission to break ties with them or I didn't realize I was allowed to do that. Of course my family thinks I'm the crazy one because I want nothing to do with them. In their eyes since I"m the only one who walked away I'm the crazy one and they're all normal. Well if thats their idea of normal I want no part of it. A family should be supportive not mean and nasty towards each other. Not bad mouth you either behind your back or to your face for that matter. They shouldn't be trying to break up your marriage by making up lies about you like one of my siblings has done and continues to do.

In my case all of their attacks has made my marriage stronger. So they're just spinning their wheels for nothing. Their lives are **** so they have to make everyone else miserable. As they say misery loves company. Don't let them drag you down. Thats what they want! If you give in and let them destroy you then they win.

I was called worthless, stupid, lazy etc. You name it they've said it. I've proved them wrong and all they can do is piss and moan about it and continue to harass me and my children. I've had years of putting up with all of this. Having to go to the police, file reports, contact lawyers, keeping records of all instances etc. I wouldn't put anything past my one sibling and the others just follow.

Sometimes the best you can do is go about your life as best you can. Be strong and confide in your husband. See a therapist if you have to. It helps to get the opinion of someone who isn't in the situation and has fresh eyes on things. They may be able to give you some tips on how to handle any future conflicts or how to avoid them all together.

There is no shame in walking away from abuse. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you owe them anything and it doesn't mean you can be their punching bag.

Be strong!

ktliu

Sounds like you are young, Are you 14...I'm guessing from your handle that ends in 99. Forgive me if I'm wrong.
I think revenge might give some people some motivation. but I think you have to love yourself in your own skin first, learn to love yourself. count how many great qualities you have. be strong and learn to stand up for yourself. Once that is established. then figure out what you want to do to this body that you love. Do you feed it with good stuff, or bad stuff. Come to terms with what is good or bad, be discerning. Learn enough about calories vs nutrition, Show what you learn to your Mom and lift everybody out of this rut.

The reason why I suggest this is, A lot of people do not understand what they are buying in the supermarkets. What your family buys in grocery have a direct impact on your health and weight. A lot of food nowadays are designed to be addictive. Humans naturally crave flavor, fat and sugar. They do this so you consume more and more of this crap that they are pushing. Therefore if you Mom low up her grocery cart with High calorie and low nutrition stuff. You are in trouble no matter what you eat, and how little you eat.

This site is an excellent site with lots of information, great tools and like minded people. So, and at my age (47) I just now learned what a person needs in one day vs what I have been eating. So you can too.

Your parents meant well in their own albeit hurtful way, but unfortunately God didn't design us all equally having the necessary tact to convey their points. Learn to forgive. "cause staying angry is like ingesting poison and expecting the other person to die from it. "`Buddha

Namaste

pinkperfume

Unfortunately "fat" comments never stop regardless of how old you get. I still hear them from family members and other people and I am in my forties. Let's overcome this and get our best bodies ever. Maybe then you can tell you mom to get her chubby butt on the treadmill. :0 (evil grin)

trophywife24

your fat mother was talking to/about herself when she was abusing you.
it was a reflection of her self image, not a true picture of who you are.

you can't punish yourself forever for her weaknesses & failings.

This is the honest truth right here. I WISH I would have figured this out for myself, about myself, sooner than I did.... but I did and that's all that matters. My mother was fat out horrible to me about my weight. She was notorious for things like sending my dad out to buy a box of donuts for breakfast, and then saying "Just what you need to eat." when I would take one. Just constant picking on me about *her* weight. Of course now that I'm small, she tells me constantly to stop loosing weight Ho hum. Anyway, I can completely relate and I'm very sorry that you have the same type of parents.

zonah

Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!

I love that website it's so helpful to know you're not alone and that it's not you.

fit4lifeUcan2

Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!

I love that website it's so helpful to know you're not alone and that it's not you.

I just finished reading the entire site and finally feel validated with everything I've experienced. So glad I finally listened to my husband and therapist and walked away. Best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage not to mention our kids as well! wow! This is a must read!

VoodooLuLu

Screw m your not only working on your weight, your completely working on changing your life and just like you remove the unhealthy food in your life so should you remove people that are unhealthy for you .... Only let people in who can bring something positive in your life and drop all the negative....

never124get

I'm so sorry you have you endure your parents bullying and there is no excuse for what they have said/done but like I've seen some others say; people bully others because they are unhappy with themselves. This does not excuse what they have done/said. They are grown adults and they should know better. It's absolutely awful that it has happened but use that as your motivation to lose the weight and feel great about yourself. No one deserves to be bullied at all but by your parents I just couldn't imagine.

sethysgirl

My family was like that all through school. I was the thinnest one in my family when they bullied me about being overweight. It has caused some issues with me, but now it is the motivation for me to lose. I decided to turn all the negative into positive, especially when my mom started asking me if I was going to stop working on losing soon. I have not gotten down to the weight I was during that time, but she is trying to tell me to stop. Now, I want to get down to that weight soon and rub it in my mom's face saying, "This is where I was when you called me fat. this is where I was when you thought I needed to get more exercise than anyone else. This is where I was. I still have some weight to go, so don't speak of my weight again."
Standing up to family abuse is hard, I know that. I would suggest just ignoring them as much as you can and when it gets too much, walk away. I would also suggest getting a therapist. Mine helped me overcome some of the hurt that I still felt 10 years later.

babydiego87

I'm sorry, that's awful. A thought though...perhaps your mother knows what it's like being overweight and is trying some 'tough love'. I'm not excusing her whatsoever but maybe she's trying in her 'own' way. I would really reccomend sitting down with her and explaining how her comments hurt you and are actually counter productive and make you feel worse.

dirtyd89

I'd say use that annoying bullying as fuel to motivate yourself and prove those pricks wrong that you have what it takes to be a lean mean fighting machine.

zonah

Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!

I love that website it's so helpful to know you're not alone and that it's not you.

I just finished reading the entire site and finally feel validated with everything I've experienced. So glad I finally listened to my husband and therapist and walked away. Best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage not to mention our kids as well! wow! This is a must read!

I'm glad you liked it. It's so nice to know it's not you it's them! Or at least that's how I felt.

benol1

Like you, I was abused when I was growing up. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was badly damaged as a result of my experiences growing up.

One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.

However, I have learned to live with the legacy of my past. I've forgiven my parents and siblings and moved on. My advice to you is to also move on. You have with MFP a very powerful tool for self transformation. Use it well, get fit, eat well and engage in healthy lifestyle changes and pursuits. It will help you to transform your life and develop self-confidence and uncover your untapped potential.
kind regards,

Ben

xxcandywrathxx

Your mums clearly taking out her own weight issues on you.

I have a similar problem with my grandmother unfortunately. But I have the balls to call her fat back.

Stick up for yourself.

boboff

I hope you feel better for discussing this.

Often the same parental types are so quick to dismiss our concerns that any sort of discussion is seen as "wimping out"

You won't change them , and often that is the hardest thing, they are the products of there upbringing and society and there own ignorance and stupidity, and that isn't going to change.

Work on yourself, be strong, but most of all don't rush things, spend time on yourself, being happy, read some books, understand passive aggression, but I would also focus on Managing your own anger.

I know it sounds wrong, but your abuse will have caused hurt and anger, and that would have been targeted back inside yourself, this builds up pressure, and expectation of others behavior which isn't healthy.

Try some NLP as well as this can just be enough to get your motivation started.

You HAVE to stop yourself feeling like a victim, you are not, you are in control of your life now, cry your tears, dry them and move on, you can't control the past, but you can damm sure control your future. For every negative memory, you will have had a positive one, treat them like sides of a coin, you choose which side to focus on longest. Why not see if your Mum wants to join you on the weight loss journey, and then slim your *kitten* off! That will learn her!!!!

Best of luck.

bluebear_74

Sometimes it's easier to blame someone else for their failure than themselves. When it comes down to it, a 9 year old doesn't really control what they eat, it's what their parents put into their mouths.

dinithig

I read some of these posts, and im not sure if someone has already given this perspective so I hope you read this and bear with me.

I have come from a similar background. My mother has been overweight since she got married. She lost alot of weight due to illness, but is still overweight. I have been a small child, but became overweight ever since hitting puberty. I have been yo-yoing my weight since then.
I always remember my mother saying I was chubby. She would call me fat, or ask me why I wouldnt diet, and call me chubby infront of others. For example - last year when my uncle came for a visit, and I hugged him, I was wearing shorts, and she made an excuse for me wearing shorts by saying - oh dont mind her she's like a big ol chubby toy!! I was humiliated... I dont think my uncle wasnt even worrying about what I was wearing!! I have been on very dangerous diets as a kid to lose weight (cabbage soup diets, skipping meals etc).

I held on to that anger for many years but let it go. I realized that my mother was so angry with her weight, she was putting me down to make sure I never be like her. This was confirmed by the many conversations/fights we have had. She felt that the best way to get me motivated is to point it out all the time. All hell broke lose when I stopped calling them (because she would comment on how much weight ive put on), and we laid out all cards on the table.

She hasnt stopped completely... (like when my uncle came to visit), but at least now I understand her better. For me confronting her about it was the best move. she and I have very different ideas, and a big generational/cultural gap, so now we try to understand how we work. She tries not to comment on my weight (although sometimes she cant help it) and when she slips up, I brush it off or tell her off.

It is NOT right that your parents do this and put you through it!! Make it stop - by stopping contact, or confronting them. You WILL need support! My support was my sister... so find a good friend who will listen to you when you are feeling down, someone who will remind you how amazing you really are!!

MrsWells1983

I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

^^Yeah, I agree.

I must say I think abuse/bullying is rather extreme to call what your parents did, parents are just people, we make mistakes, say things out of turn etc. They could have said alot worse than calling you chubby.

Do what is best for you now, no point in dwelling on all this stuff.

There is all kinds of abuse. Clearly her parents were subjecting her to emotional abuse and weren't giving her the support she needed to lose the weight, they degraded her and put her down. Abuse doesn't have to mean that you have physical scars. Not giving your kids access to healthy foods and them being obese is abuse.

I lived with my unmedicated mentally ill single mother up until I moved out at 18. I had to talk her out of suicide more than once, she was never interested in my schooling (never did parent help in primary school, never attended award ceremonies even if I was getting an award) and I had to beg her to let me play sports like all my friends, because she hated sport and ate what she wanted when she wanted and still stayed skinny (but was very far from healthy). At 15 I lost my virginity and didn't tell her, when she found out from a third party she punched me in the face. When I was getting married she was a control freak and spat the dummy out of spite (because she doesn't like my mother in law) when we told her we wanted to bring the wedding forward. After seeing a counsellor I realised that she hated losing control of me as I was growing up and making my own decisions. I stopped talking to her and seeing her when my now 8yo was 2. I don't need that in my life and I don't want my kids subjected to any of the crap that she put me through. I was subjected to some physical and emotional abuse, though you'd never know just by looking at me.

I can see exactly where you are coming from. Feeling like nothing you ever do is good enough. You do what you need to for your own health and physical and mental well being. You are good enough, prove it to yourself by rising above them and being stronger and fitter than you ever have been.

Tam x