Should I be upset or is she right?

HalloweenMom

I used to weigh 270 lbs! After lap band I lost a lot of weight but unfortunately, it does not work forever, so I gained weight again and began MFP at 203 lbs!

My sister in law has known me through my ups and downs. She's seen me huge, small, thick and huge again. She's about 5'1 and weighs about 230 lbs! She has a nice shape to her therefore although she's big, it does not look as bad as it did on me. On Sunday the 4 of us went to the park (Me and my hubby, her and my brother plus the kids) and since I'm on "healthy" mode I decided to go for a walk around the park to get some exercise in. I asked her if she would want to join me and she agreed, we walked and talked about weight loss, my brother has always loved "chubby" girls, but lately he has told me that she's gained too much weight, he tries to talk to her about it but her attitude has always been very strong - so he just avoids it. I decided to talk to her about MFP and all, but she didn't seem interested so I just gave up. I just told her about me and she kept on telling me that I shouldn't feel FAT because I really wasn't.

I was surprised when Sunday night she asked me if I wanted to go do a 3-mile walk with her sometime this week, I, of course, approved and we met up yesterday afternoon.

We walked and talked and it was hard for her to catch her breathe, I felt bad - I remember being in her place when I was bigger. I thought that maybe I should continue to tell her about my weight loss and how much this site has helped me, not to push her to do it but maybe to get her in the "healthy" mode i'm in. After a chat or two she began to tell me that I really need to up my self esteem, that I am NOT fat and that I shouldn't worry so much about counting calories. She even began to talk about how annoying it was when her boss would count fats and calories in front of her, she also began to tell me that she felt beautiful the way she was and that since my brother liked her that way, she didn't really care for a change. I began to feel as if maybe my self-esteem was destroyed, she seemed so confident and happy with herself. I am not happy with ME. I am probably 50 lbs lighter than her but I still feel so "disgusted" with myself. She continued to tell me that she loved food and that she doesn't count any calories or worries about it at all, that I shouldn't worry about it either. She began to talk about fast foods and all sorts of yummy foods that are my biggest weaknesses; I don't know why but I began to get thoughtful, - Am I really OK the way I am? Should I just love myself this way? Am I really doing it for me or because I want the world to accept me and see me as a skinny woman? OMG, she began to have an impact on me. I got home and spoke to my husband about it and he said that yes, maybe I do have a self esteem problem that I need to learn how to fix, but that I shouldn't do this for anyone but myself and that if I was happy the way I was then I should be this way. I am not, so I should continue, I want to break away from being FAT, I just want to get to my goal weight and re-evaluate my self love THEN. I think that if I ever get to my goal weight and I still believe that I am fat, then I'd have to get some sort of counseling for my obvious serious problem, until then I think that I should continue this weight loss journey.

Today I get a message from my sister in law - a picture message on my phone: A picture of a philly cheese steak sandwhich with extra cheese and fries. UGH! Why? Why would she do that? Is she trying to sabotage me because maybe she feels like she can't get there? I remember feeling that way when I was really big - but ..... should I be upset or maybe understand where she stands? Is she really happy with who she is? Why would she keep telling me that I have a "self-esteem" issue that is leading me to losing weight? Is she trying to stop me?

TheMaidOfAstolat

It seems as though she doesn't want to be the only one that's overweight...and by derailing you...she can keep you overweight. She is threatened by your interest in losing weight...and not just losing weight but being healthier. I know many women who are thin but they are not by any means healthy. Do this for yourself and maybe once she sees how healthy you are she might come around to your way of thinking. Keep talking to her but don't put any pressure on her or it may backfire.

squoozyq

Remember what I said to you in the beginning? SHE doesn't want to lose weight.
Focus on what you are doing, think about the health factor...and love who you are at any weight.
People will try to sabotage you, but who cares? Do what you need to do for YOU.
If your sister in law knew what your brother thought, she'd be devastated to know what he really does think. However, it shouldnt' matter what he thinks either.....
Worry about you, you are doing so well, and in such a short time too! You were totally unmotivated a couple of weeks ago.
Chin up girl!

DanOhh

It sounds like she's trying to sabotage your weight loss. From what I'm reading you're enjoying feeling better so it sounds like you have a good self-esteem to me.

sjcply

Sounds like she is trying to bring you to where she is comfortable. She doesnt want you to lose the weight cause then she will be the unhealthy one. But you have to do this for yourself not anyone else. Maybe when you do it, she will see it and you can pay it forward and help her!
Good luck!

nehtaeh

Make it more about being healthy than the weight aspect. Eating all that crap all the time is not good for you no matter what you weigh.

Being healthy will keep you around longer for the kids. It will give you more stamina for everything. It will make you feel better about yourself. Just think about how much easier it was for you to do that 3 mile walk than it was for her. That's simply because you are caring about your body.

She may not care about getting healthy but don't let her put so much focus on food like that. Tell her that you respect her decision to love herself as she is, but please respect that you want to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with trying to better youself.

I am not happy with my body as is either, but that doesn't mean I feel any less self worth than someone else.

zebras

She obviously has issues, and wouldn't be trying to sabotage you if she wasn't jealous. No one is truly happy about being overweight. I was 275 and I had to build a lot of confidence and self-acceptance to get through life, but I never was happy about my weight.

You have to want to fix yourself for you and your health, as long as you are trying to fix yourself to make your husband or your mother happy or to look better for other people, you will not succeed in the long run.

Mina133842

sounds to me like she is sabotaging your success. She probably feels inadequate, because she wouldn't be telling you these things otherwise, and taking a shot at someone's "self esteem," especially if she is of the opinion that yours is lower, then she would know how much her statements could impact you. DO NOT give her power in this area. Since when is it wrong to try and better yourself, and if you're unhappy with the state of your mind/health/body, and you're taking action to improve those things, then why is that Bad?!! I've had several "friends" that have done this in the past, and hate to admit that I've probably done the same- brought in treats to work when I couldn't leave them alone at home, and then pass them off to co-workers (some of which may have also been dieting).

See it for what it is, and keep doing what you're doing.

kellykat

Loving yourself is important. However, one act of loving yourself is to care for your body. It sounds to me like you want to make healthy changes in your life and you are definitely going about it in the right way. Your sister in law has to make her own decisions. If she is comfortable and loves her body the way it is - that's her decision. However, it sounds like she is very comfortable in her marriage and thinks that your brother is happy with the weight she has gained and there is no real way for him to be honest with her without hurting her feelings. If he wants her to get healthier then he needs to start with himself and maybe see if it will catch on to her. If she doesn't want to change, no one can make her. It's not fair for her to try to sabotage you with evil pictures and try to discourage you from losing weight. It's your choice to change your body and not hers. You both need to do what is right for yourselves.

AprilChampion

It seems as though she doesn't want to be the only one that's overweight...and by derailing you...she can keep you overweight. She is threatened by your interest in losing weight...

i completely agree with this....i have people in my life that used to do this to me until i finally said "ENOUGH! im not going to LET YOU derail my fitness or nutrition plan anymore!!! This is for MY health!!"

bluiz13

i'm am fuming for you as i type this and have to keep going back to correct my typos because i am typing sooooo fast with aggravation for you....

okay first of all....each person feels differently about themselves based on how they were raised and whatever other issues they have with food and/or weight...YOU have to decide where you want to be...what makes YOU happy....if that is working out and watching what you eat than keep doing it...you can't push your views on her and she shouldnt push her views on you.....doing it to each other is completely wrong....what she is doing by sending you a picture of BAD foods and BAD choices (for YOU) is completely inappropriate if YOU told her how you feel and what your goals are.....i'd love to attack her here and give her **** for what she is doing and why she is doing it, BUT the bottom line is, it doesnt matter why for you to be successful...
if she is someone you want to continue to have a relationship with now during your process and later when you get to your healthy self, YOU need to lay some ground rules out for HER.....you need to tell her flat out, this is something that is important to me, i value our relationship and want to continue it in the future (if that is what you want), if you care about me and my choices, please respect my wishes and dont continue to encourage me to make BAD CHOICES FOR ME....help me make myself happy but inviting me to exercise with you - supporting my food choices, complimenting me on my hard work.....
if you dont lay the ground rules NOW it is only going to get worse from here on in, since clearly she does not want to make a change to her life, for whatever her reasons, and that is her choice, but she should not be sabotaging your efforts when clearly this is something that is very important to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mommamills

I would def be ticked and you have every right to be too! If she is happy the way she is then fine, more power to her, but she should support you and your efforts. NOT send you pics of foods that you are obviously trying to avoid. I would def have to sit her down and tell her that you were just looking for a buddy that was interested in getting HEALTHY not SKINNY with you and that if she loves her food more than her health, that you wish her all the luck in the world. What she is doing is NOT supportive and is absolutely cruel. Not saying that she is deliberately trying to be cruel, but she knows that this is not helping. I think you are right when you think that she is doing this because she wants you to stay unhealthy with her. When you watch somebody work hard and get rewarded with their body image and health, it works on your self esteem and makes you wonder why you can't do it......for folks like her, it's simply because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO and she allows herself to believe that it's ok for her to be unhealthy as long as she doesn't think she's fat. It's not ok. You have to be healthy....not only for your loved ones who want you around forever and ever, but for yourself! How awesome do you feel even after just a cpl pound loss when you know you did it the right way with eating right and exercising??? How awesome do you feel after sweating it up with a good workout??? Let that be your motivation!!! Ask her politely to either support you or don't, but def quit torturing you!!!! Keep up the good work and don't let anyone make you doubt that it's good for you to be healthy!!!!!!! :flowerforyou:

MissingMinnesota

I would be upset if I was you. If she wasn't your sister in law I would say she needs to be kicked to the curb as she should want what is best for you. You want to be happy and healthy and have a long life while she is jeporidizing herself. I have had friends calling me the food nazi lately but I came back with yes and it works and I am getting healthier because of it.

LongMom

I think you should remove the word FAT from your vocabulary The key here is that Philly Steak Sandwitch is NOT HEALTHY! Your SIL walking and being out of breath - NOT healthy.

Fat is a horrible negative word. It should never have evolved into an adjective, it should have remained a noun.

I think your SIL is definately experiencing some issues with your weight loss and I would suggest you accept that and move on from it. This is all about you and your decision to get healthy. Healthy = Positive and Positive = Happy. That's the biggest equation we all have to realize. Being healthy, your body produces good energy, boosting our happiness!

Comparing ourselves to others isn't FAIR. We're all different, our brains, our bodies, our emotions....what is "perfect"? What is "ideal"? I would EXPECT everyones answer to be different, wouldn't you?

Once you accept you for you and make decisions for yourself and yourself only, the Debbie Downers will be quiet. Happiness is infectious!

Bikini27

squoozyq is RIGHT.

YOU are doing this for you, like she's remaining overweight and that makes HER happy. Remember your reasons for starting this journey. You shouldn't feel guilty for caring about your health and wanting to look your best.

Don't let her derail you and your progress. And let her know that in no uncertain terms that's not ok for her to send you pics of food and talk about how great fastfood is. She needs to respect you and your decisions as you do hers.

JJRunning

She's definitely trying to sabatoge you... probably because she feels like she doesn't have the will power to do it. Another thing to remember is healthy isn't only about being "skinny". Those fast food meals and huge philly cheese steaks will cause a heart attack before they make her really really big. I'd let her know you understand her position, but it isn't the same position as yours. Therefore, kindly ask her not to send you those photos or talk with you about fast food, etc. YOU'RE doing the right thing for your future... if she doens't want to join that isn't your fault. Keep it up... you always have us here:flowerforyou:

MTGirl

Of course you are O.K. the way you are and you should love yourself! Weight should have no effect on loving yourself and caring for yourself.

That said - are you as healthy as you would like to be? Do you enjoy walking and doing activities you couldn't comfortably do before? Then keep on getting healthy! Love your body by feeding it good nutrition and not junk. Give yourself optimal fuel to participate in those activities you enjoy - not crap that makes you feel the same. If she doesn't want to listen, don't go there with her. And please, do NOT let her derail you. Whatever her motive is, it doesn't have your best interest at heart. Keep your best interests in your heart and mind and remember why you are doing this. If she starts in on the counting calories thing, just tell her you are trying to be as healthy as you can and you want to enjoy walking, riding, hiking, etc., whatever it is you want to/like to do. If she keeps harping at you "hating" yourself, tell her you are loving yourself the best possible way by treating your body well and fueling it with good nutrition. If she keeps on, just change the subject. Obviously. Like - "How 'bout them Mets?" Or say somethings we will just have to disagree on, lets talk about (insert subject - kids, party, weather, etc.).

When you are doing those activities you like - remember that feeling and how you felt before you lost weight. How much harder it was huffing and puffing while you walked and you couldn't enjoy the breeze, flowers, blue skies, etc. and how much easier it is not and you can enjoy all that stuff - marvel in the wonderful, unique body you have and all the great things it does for you!

greeneyes82

:grumble: So sad, but she doesn't seem to want you to lose weight. She kind of seems like a negative person & she just wants to hold you back. I would keep working at it if I were you. You will be healthier in the end & happier!:flowerforyou:

AmandaB4588

I think you know the answer to this already.

Your sister in law may feel beautiful, and for that reason every woman envies her. We all want to feel beautiful, right? But feeling beautiful and being healthy are totally different things. Since you were in her situation before, you know that she cannot feel good. At 230 lbs, struggling to catch her breath, she knows it too. The difference between you two is the self esteem, but not in the way you are writing about. The difference is that she doesn't have the self esteem to do what you are doing--- stepping up to the challenge and taking control of your life.

lknorthstar

You need to lose weight because of how you feel. If you feel that you need to lose weight and you are not happy with who you are then that is just fine. You don't have a low self esteem just because you feel you need to lose weight. As far as her telling you that you don't need to lose weight you should love yourself the way you are...just tell her that you do love yourself but would be happier loving less of your self! haa haa! Best of luck with your sister in law. Don't be upset but don't think she is right either!! That is just how she feels!

kristelagarcia

It sounds like she's trying to get you to stop making good choices for yourself because she feels guilty about the choices she's making and needs support to continue eating the unhealthy way!
Keep strong and just secretly smile knowing you'll be the person you've always wanted to be and she'll still be the one sending pictures to bring people down!

Side note: Its not all about looks, you can be healthy and not be a size 0. Be healthy and your ideal weight will be achieved!