Please give me some tips on motivating my man...

fpuckett2383

So, here we are again. I'm losing weight and working out and eating healthy. My husband has always been less motivated than me, but he is usually involved, and wants to be a part of whatever I am doing. But recently, he's been working an incredibly hard job, drives an hour there and an hour back, always saying he doesn't have the time. We spend four-ish hours just watching TV at night.. there is time. I am willing to put in extra hours to help him, but he doesn't want to help himself.

I love him and I want him to be healthy. He is at high risk for developing diabetes. He has horrible self control problems when it comes to food. I don't know what to do. I can't get him to commit even a little bit. He think because we eat vegetarian through the week that he doesn't need to watch his intake or work out, but the weight is not coming off because he eats so much.

How can I help him? I don't want to guilt him or bully him into anything, and if it was just his health at risk then I wouldn't mind, but I want to live a long happy life with him. The closest thing I have got to him being motivated is his interest in training for a 5k, but he will NOT run. Not with me. Not by himself.

I feel lost. Help!

olDave

There is nothing you can do to change another person...even your husband. Just love him and accept him for who he is.

Good luck.

celticmedic

Maybe he feels intimidated by you for the fact you work out a bunch. Get him to try an outside sport or something. If he won't change, then he doesn't want to. Nothing you can do to help him.

Machafin

I'm not sure on suggestions, but I also am very busy, with typically 90 hour weeks. I find time to get to the gym and for me, the way I feel about myself and the good feeling I have from working out is plenty of motivation. Maybe something along those lines. (I also enjoy the feeling when my muscles are sore after a hard workout, which might be weird)

mreeves261

I know someone who motivated her husband by telling him she would give him a BJ for every 10 pounds he lost. I used to see that man in the gym all the time!! He lost like 70 pounds with that incentive.

That being said not everyone can be motivated. And if it does motivate him there is nothing to say he will stay going forward. He has to want to do it for himself and no other reason otherwise it probably won't work.

celticmedic

I was also going to add in the sexual favors as incentive thing but didn't want to cross that line, but yea that would work on most men lol

Lizzy622

Try to just drag him out for an after dinner walk. More of a walk and talk time rather than really working out. It may motivate him to do more. At least it may get him off the couch for a bit.

BullDozier

I was also going to add in the sexual favors as incentive thing but didn't want to cross that line, but yea that would work on most men lol

I would have to second this.

Also, I would think this would really only be necessary in the early stages. Eventually the working out becomes just part of the daily routine, and the weight loss is its own reward. But, to help with the motiviation to get the ball rolling, I can't think of better motivation.

mreeves261

I was also going to add in the sexual favors as incentive thing but didn't want to cross that line, but yea that would work on most men lol

Promise a little "tension release" and you guys will do just about anything. LOL!

Cr01502

You're already withholding meat from the guy and he won't comply.

There's only one thing you can do.

Withhold sex.

mreeves261

You're already withholding meat from the guy and he won't comply.

There's only one thing you can do.

Withhold sex.

Ok now that's just wrong! No reason she should punish herself too!

olDave

The people replying with advice to give or withold sex are being funny I'm sure. However, that's referred to as manipulation. I doubt you would want someone to try to manipulate you. So, why would you try to manipulate someone you love.

Like I said...just love him for who he is. If he decides to join you someday then you will know it's because he WANTS TO and not because you manipulated him.

Good luck again.

S1NN3R

Every time he works out reward him with sex, or some kind of sexual favor.

oregonzoo

lead by example. Wait till he's ready.

And then help him.

Anything else IMO is unkind and unfair to him. This is YOUR thing right now. Not his.

colie9706

I can somewhat relate to your husband, being not-so-motivated myself and having a boyfriend who is really into his fitness.

I think many people who let their weight get out of hand have trouble wanting to lose weight, because they're afraid of failing. In their heads they see it as a near-impossibility, and probably anticipate failing and being big forever. It feels more comfortable to NOT try, than to try and then fail...

I think it is good you are taking his health into consideration, and I'm sure you want him to feel good about himself. I would be careful about pushing too hard, I get really touchy when my boyfriend becomes "too involved" with my diet and fitness...

Fitness and losing weight would make your husband happy and help his self-image, it's just a matter of helping him to view it as simple, baby-steps, doing fun things together. Take out "running" and "exercise" because that becomes a negative. Instead replace it with taking walks together, hiking, playing tennis, etc. If you start being more active in general, and try edging away from your TV set, maybe new hobbies and warm weather will motivate your man to want to become healthier.

cmcollins001

If you're looking for him to resent you, then try to trick him into it. Otherwise, he'll when and if he ever gets ready. Some people are not worried about how they look or don't consider themselves to be as out of shape as they are. If the extent of your daily activities are sitting and watching 4 hours of tv...just how in shape do you need to be? That would be my thinking if I were him.

He's going to have to make up his own mind. Period.

dragginfli

Take lots of pictures of him and place them around the house, I get too comfortable with being over weight until I see how I look in photos. Works for me. hope it will work for U.

Cr01502

You're already withholding meat from the guy and he won't comply.

There's only one thing you can do.

Withhold sex.

Ok now that's just wrong! No reason she should punish herself too!

Have an affair.

That'll get him off the couch.

Calliope610

lead by example. Wait till he's ready.

And then help him.

Anything else IMO is unkind and unfair to him. This is YOUR thing right now. Not his.

^^this and only this ^^

Rogiefreida

lead by example. Wait till he's ready.

And then help him.

Anything else IMO is unkind and unfair to him. This is YOUR thing right now. Not his.

This.

My husband used to be in really good shape. Then we got together, and we both gained "honeymoon" weight. I was the first to get up and do something about it, and I tried to make him come with me to the gym, tried to get him to eat healthier and he refused. So I stopped bugging him and focused on myself instead of trying to change him. Guess what happened? I signed up for the Warrior Dash this summer, and he decided to sign up and train with me. So sometimes people will be paying attention to what you are doing and it can motivate them, even though my husband didn't seem to care that I was trying to work out, he noticed.

I am a firm believer that you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do.

lilawolf

I just told my hubby: "we are going to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5:15 and doing stronglifts 5x5. You will come home and grab protein shakes for us, and I will make sure that their is a healthy dinner in the crockpot." It worked!

He would never have planned, researched, or anything else, but he went along with it when I had it all laid out. He also eats all of the healthy food, veggies included, that I make with the portions that I give him, with gusto. This does NOT stop him from eating Taco Bell every day for lunch, or from surprising us with shakes, or bringing home the occasional candy though. I'll take what I can get.

Good luck!

OkieTink

There is nothing you can do to change another person...even your husband. Just love him and accept him for who he is.

Good luck.

Best advice so far...

FrnkLft

What motivates me to eat better is the urge to maximize my workouts and to avoid needlessly gaining back the weight I recently lost. If he's busy, get him on the 2 day rule... never go 2 days without working out, no matter what.

Motivating a guy is tough. I'm concerned with the way I look and present myself, but some guys aren't and avoiding health problems is the only remaining motivation... and that's weak as hell until it's too late for most people.

Actually another motivation that I have is how my ex-gf (and women in general) are reacting to the losses and gains I've made. I love that, and I want to make it better. If you can get him to make some small gains at first, reinforce that by showing some more interest and making him feel like he should keep working at it to better himself.

... but approach this in a healthy way ok? You're trying to help him, not change him. God I hate that "change him" crap.

There is nothing you can do to change another person...even your husband. Just love him and accept him for who he is.

Good luck.

I disagree. We should never make our significant other's feel "less than", but accepting mediocrity just breeds more mediocrity. We should expect more of others, and they should expect more of us. There's nothing wrong with him inherently for being overweight or unhealthy, but he does need to to something about it. And hell, he'll be so much the better for it!

PamelaGatorMom

for years I knew I needed to lose weight but guess what I did nothing about it...you know why...it's wasn't important to me!
Then a couple years ago my husband was diagnosed with diabetes, he lost almost 40 pounds and I kept thinking I should probably do that too...but I didn't
Well I kinda had a slap in the face moment looking at some pics from Christmas and knowing I was starting 2013 out turning 40 & WAY over weight, so I decided to make the change. No one told me to do it, I just decided it was time!!
My point is until your husband decided it's time for him nothing you do or say will change that. In fact you may turn him off if you keep pushing him about it.
YOU make healthy changes for you! And hopefully he will see a difference & join in!

oliviabog

Be supportive, he might genuinely feel tired if he is working really hard. Eventually he will want to do something, and when he makes that decision for himself he will be truly motivated to do it for himself. As a kid who was pushed into playing competitive sport because daddy wanted me to I know that motivation isn't the same when doing something because someone else wants you to.

If you feel that the concern for his health outweighs just being supportive then talk to him and say you are worried and want him to be around for as long as possible or something similar. It has to be his decision in the end though.

jzebracki

I am in the same boat. My husband has about 100 pounds to lose, and he knows it, but isn't doing anything about it. I have lost 47 pounds since last May, and I still have about 42 to go. I really thought that when he saw me losing weight, working out, eating better, etc., it would kick-start him into thinking about himself. It hasn't. All I can say is that each one of us on here knows that until YOU are ready to make the commitment and take control - until you have reached the "Disgusted with yourself" stage, no outside factors can truly motivate you. So, all you can do is continue on your journey, and hope that he eventually comes on board. Make sure you tell him that you are worried about his health and that you want to have a long and happy life with you! That is about as far as you should "push." He will come into it in his own time, like each one of us did. Good luck. I know it is frustrating, but continuing on your journey is the best you can do!

schaskes

I agree with others - in particular on these points: 1) He has to be ready to change. 2) Try just going for walks together (my husband has lost over 40 pounds in the past 9 months, and on most days he only walks the dog for an hour. 3) Tell him repeatedly how much you love him and his body, and if you ever suggest anything make sure it is about his long-term health.
My last suggestion is to make sure he gets a physical. My husband's doctor is the one who really started him on his weight-loss journey. Good Luck!

BrendaLee

I know from trying to encourage my 18 year old, there isn't much you can do if the person's not motivated. With her, I keep talking about summer and prom, because I know those are things she cares about and wants to look good for. You can try to offer encouragement that's relatable to his life -- things that would improve for him if he was in shape, especially if there are things he can't do, or can't do comfortably, now. Making it about health may not work, because a lot of us feel invincible and have a "it won't happen to me" attitude.

Other than that, if you are in charge of food prep, prepare normal-sized meals. If you are in charge of the shopping, don't bring junk into the house. When you go out to eat, suggest eating at restaurants with healthier options. Most of all, just keep getting healthy and hot and hope that he finds his own encouragement.

Of course you have to "love and accept him as he is," but that doesn't mean you have to sit idly by and watch him kill himself. Possibly the worst advice ever. Definitely avoid nagging, though. That will probably have the opposite effect. Lead by example, and offer encouragement along the way.

toaster6

Perhaps you can voice your concerns for his health to him. Have an honest conversation with him where you tell him your concern-- no accusatory tones and no trying to guilt him into anything. He may not be motivated to improve his health for himself, but he might be for you.

emrogers

only thing you can do is focus on yourself and hopefully once he see's that in your he might want to change. However you cannot change a person nor can encourage them to do something they are not ready for themselves. They have to want to change themselves first then you can be supportive!

sevsmom

Took 9 months for my husband to join the party. He dropped 30 lbs in like 3 months and has maintained that for a year. . .all with slight diet modifications and no real exercise. It took me a YEAR to drop 28 lbs and I lift & run to maintain. He sucks. But I love him.

You just go about doing what you do and keep loving him for who he is. You can't change him. You can't motivate him. Once HE finds the motivation, you can be an encourager, but that's about it.