My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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It's good that he figured it out before you were married.0
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Dude, your fiance is a *kitten*. There is a difference between being supportive and just being an all out *kitten* with no tact. His statements lead me to believe that when you are in your 50's, and you really can't help things falling somewhat out of line due to gravity, that he will be chatting up the younger crowd of perky women. Or perhaps he will even cheat before that if you take too much time regaining your little figure. I don't know him, but I just get that vibe from what I read (which is obviously slanted to your side of things, but still).
I don't know, when my husband started putting on some weight a few years ago I would start cooking healthier for him and suggesting outdoor activities, like baseball with the kids and what have you.0 -
I think that he could have chosen his words more wisely but at least he is being honest. My husband and I have had this conversation before... if either one of us gets lazy, fat and unealthy, we would have to voice our opinion and require change. As heartless as it sounds, I married my husband because I like his passion for going to the gym and I love his six pack! He was attracted to my nice, thick legs and flat stomach. He even told me that he would never let me get a boob job because he loves what I have. It would be unfair to him to change physically and mentally (stop caring about fitness and health). There might be even more to it as well. Maybe you have been acting differently due to work stress. Try to get to the bottom of it and then go for a 20-30 minute run. 20-30 minutes a day to work out is very do able. You would be happy with yourself as well. Don't do it for him but realize that he has expectations/standards as well. It is understandable that you are going through a phase, but a ring on a finger or the words "I love you" do not negate the fact that this man doesnt like the change he has seen in you. If he can't support you no matter what, then you don't need him in your life. Either way, you have to decide what you need to change in your life.0
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Very sorry to hear this. I've always thought that losing weight and getting healthy should be something you do for yourself. Not something that you do for others. You can help others get healthy, but you shouldn't try to negatively punish others, especially for things that they're already sensitive about. Sadly, my own husband has made similar comments to me in the past. I won't get into what he said, because it's all in the past and he's always apologized, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. No one is perfect. My feelings were hurt. He felt like an as$. We got over it (although clearly I never forgot). I wouldn't leave him, but I'd make sure he knew that what he said hurt your feelings and that if he wants to help you and support you in your goals, he has to do it positively or else not at all.
Good luck to you! You are very beautiful! I'd fancy you if I were in to that kind of thing!
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P.S. Although your man does sound like an *kitten* in the context of this behaviour, don't be influenced by people telling you to break up with him just because they're only seeing him in this light. I completely understand how this feels, which is why I never tell anyone if I'm having a hiccup in my relationship. It's too easy for people to say "leave him" and make it seem like there is some perfect man out there, when there isn't. If the pros outweigh the cons, and overall you're happy, there's no reason to leave, just lay down some boundaries and keep him in check.
I understand this POV, I really do.
But it will not get better. You need to understand that. Judgmental people do not change. Say you lose weight and he fancies you again. fabulous. As you age, have children, etc., he may decide he doesn't fancy you again. How many times do you want to go through that? How sh!tty do you want to feel about yourself over and over again?
No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I was in a manipulative relationship for ten years with my first husband, so I do speak from experience.0 -
I think there is more to this than your weight...
I am sorry for your situation but this def requires a sit down with him.0 -
How do we know that this isn't the same situation? That's pretty much the basis of the whole disagreement here. We don't know why he's disappointed in her and is starting to not like her. She has admitted she feels unhappy and uncomfortable with her size. He could just be seeing that. I don't really expect the OP to make her decision based on any posts here, but people are very quick to just jump to one side of what they read and not really explore the other.No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I don't think many people here would tell her to stay with him if he really was saying "I don't fancy you because you regained that weight." At that point, we would likely all agree on her best move, but we can't know those details, so we shouldn't just assume that he's an shallow *kitten* that only cares about how she looks.0 -
time to move on.0
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It sounds like you still have a couple of hours before he gets home. Pack a bag and leave for a bit. If he feels like he doesn't fancy you anymore, maybe showing him what life is like without you might change his crappy attitude. And it is HIS attitude, nothing you did. He might have been being "honest" and yes, honesty is the best policy, HOWEVER, the way he did it was rude, unloving, shallow, and mean. Can you live with him for the rest of your life if he is going to treat you like that?0
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How do we know that this isn't the same situation? That's pretty much the basis of the whole disagreement here. We don't know why he's disappointed in her and is starting to not like her. She has admitted she feels unhappy and uncomfortable with her size. He could just be seeing that. I don't really expect the OP to make her decision based on any posts here, but people are very quick to just jump to one side of what they read and not really explore the other.No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I don't think many people here would tell her to stay with him if he really was saying "I don't fancy you because you regained that weight." At that point, we would likely all agree on her best move, but we can't know those details, so we shouldn't just assume that he's an shallow *kitten* that only cares about how she looks.
You have a point, but not much of one I'm afraid. 20 pounds, in the grand scheme of things, is not "a downward spiral" nor is it an excuse to say something like "I don't fancy you".
If OP was morbidly obese, or putting herself at risk for health issues, that would be a different matter entirely. But as many people have mentioned, how can this supposedly wonderful fiancee of hers be prepared to handle her having a baby or getting an illness that may cause her to lose weight or be "less attractive" some other way, if he can't even handle her gaining 20 pounds? If you look at her pictures she is still beautiful and I'm not sure why any man wouldn't want her.
If they are preparing to spend the rest of their lives together they can't decide they don't want each other at the first small obstacle like this. That would be like my boyfriend of 6 months saying to me "Well, you're still a really long way away from your goal weight. I'm sorry but I just don't fancy you like this, I'm going to wait until you've lost more and then you'll be hot."
I wouldn't take that kind of attitude and neither should OP.0 -
He was honest, and also, in being honest, revealed that he is actually a shallow person who isn't a very good partner. Be thankful that you didn't marry him.0
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His sentiment is whatever to me as that is for you two to discuss, but his APPROACH, his WORDING!
You arent his child so "disappointed" and "downward spiral" have no place there.
No maam.0 -
If I had a dollar for every time I said something out of frustration that was not really what I meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be a rich woman. And an additional dollar for every time my BF said something out of frustration that was not what he meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be very rich. I really think that honest and open and REGULAR communication is the biggest problem here, not necessarily that he's an *kitten* and won't love and support her through thick and thin.0
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Just break up.
And I say that in all seriousness.
I was married to a guy like that. It never changes, it never gets better. It will drain every ounce of YOU away.
You're lucky you found out BEFORE you married him.
The guy I'm seeing right now has made it clear with words AND actions that he finds me beautiful, sexy and desireable regardless of whether I stay my current size, gain or lose (LOSE is all I'm planning on, but I love his support).
Looks come and go. Weight comes and goes. The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Your journey to health and fitness needs to be for YOU only.
THIS. Notably: The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Would you leave him, in that circumstance? That's what marriage is -- committing for better or worse, sickness and in health.
My question -- WTF is HIS problem that he didn't have a lovely healthy dinner waiting for you after a horrid day and nasty commute? Surely you were texting/talking during that time.0 -
Again, though, we don't know what exactly the 'downward spiral' means. It could be a downward spiral of her attitude, her appearance or some combination of both. Maybe she complains how much she hates how she looks, feels depressed and seeks solace in her food. The point is: we don't know all the details. We can't know all the details from one person. I've been in the middle of two friends in a relationship, and the discrepancies between their stories were astounding. Even just casually discussing things, they would have entirely different details of what happened.You have a point, but not much of one I'm afraid. 20 pounds, in the grand scheme of things, is not "a downward spiral" nor is it an excuse to say something like "I don't fancy you".
If OP was morbidly obese, or putting herself at risk for health issues, that would be a different matter entirely. But as many people have mentioned, how can this supposedly wonderful fiancee of hers be prepared to handle her having a baby or getting an illness that may cause her to lose weight or be "less attractive" some other way, if he can't even handle her gaining 20 pounds? If you look at her pictures she is still beautiful and I'm not sure why any man wouldn't want her.
If they are preparing to spend the rest of their lives together they can't decide they don't want each other at the first small obstacle like this. That would be like my boyfriend of 6 months saying to me "Well, you're still a really long way away from your goal weight. I'm sorry but I just don't fancy you like this, I'm going to wait until you've lost more and then you'll be hot."
I wouldn't take that kind of attitude and neither should OP.
e: Again, though. I do agree that if he is the type of person that people are seeing, the OP does entirely deserve better. But she needs to figure out where the problem really is before making any decisions.0 -
If I had a dollar for every time I said something out of frustration that was not really what I meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be a rich woman. And an additional dollar for every time my BF said something out of frustration that was not what he meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be very rich. I really think that honest and open and REGULAR communication is the biggest problem here, not necessarily that he's an *kitten* and won't love and support her through thick and thin.
You bring up a great point, and for OP's sake I hope that's what's going on. Because the alternative is pretty sad.0 -
That is not a supportive person AT ALL.
He should NOT want you to lose weight so he can "fancy" you, he should want you to lose weight for YOUR HEALTH.
And you need to do it for YOU, on YOUR time, when YOU'RE ready... not because he pressures you. And he needs to be supportive of you in whatever choice you make, whether it's to lose weight now, or wait until you are more ready. It's fine for him to make CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions here and there... such as "hey sweetie that may not be the best thing for your diet!" or something polite. He does not need to be verbally harassing you and tearing you down.
You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that if he LOVES you, then to him, you are ALWAYS beautiful at ANY size because he loves who you are, not just what you look like.
This emotional abuse isn't going to help you. Or him.0 -
The bottom line is you need to get fit and be healthy for you. If you try to do it for anyone else, you will fail. Think back to how good you felt when you were exercising and eating right. I HATE to exercise. I try to talk myself out of it every day. Over this past winter, I was like you - stressed, over-worked, and depressed. I gained back 8 pounds.
Now comes the second part: The difference is my husband never said ONE WORD to me about my lack of motivation. He has never once commented on my body or weight. His only comments have ever been that he wants me to be healthy - I'm guessing this is because he loves me and wants me to hang around. During the course of our relationship, we have both put on considerable weight. And I can honestly tell you that neither of us is any less attracted to the other.
Which makes me think the issue with your fiance` isn't about your weight - He's using that as an excuse to blame you for his feelings about you. Size 12 is not huge. It's not disgusting. It's also not so far from an 8.
You need to love you. Period. Do you love yourself enough to start exercising (hell, even if it's only a 30 minute walk on your lunch break) and reduce your portions and make healthier choices? You must love yourself first. And you must change how you are talking to yourself. Because I'm guessing that the way your fiance` is talking to you is being reinforced by how you are talking to yourself.
If you decide to take back control of your health, do it for you, and for no one else. Stop listening to your fiance`. Start being kinder to yourself. And for the love of God, do NOT marry this man right now. Because people who love you do NOT intentionally hurt you. And no matter which way he tries to spin it, there were a million other ways he could have tried to encourage you. But he chose the one that would hurt you. That speaks volumes to me.0 -
I can imagine how badly it felt to hear those words out of his mouth. I wish there was some way to fix the work situation so you could be back to maximum happiness which would put you back in the mood for your runs and give you much-needed energy. His harsh words certainly didn't help and I wish for your sake that he had been more sensitive, but I figure the problem is with your general unhappiness and if that were resolved, I think the rest would fall in line.
Good luck and remember to love yourself and value your happiness. :flowerforyou:0 -
You've been together 5 years. This has more to do with his feelings than any physical attribute you may or may not have. It is a rough patch in most relationships at the 3-7 year mark. This is the time when all those "cute" idiosyncrasies a partner has when you are first dating, become really grating.
Recognize that his emotional needs are not being met by the relationship. And, no, he can't tell that is what the problem is, because he likely has no idea that is what is actually going on. He's telling himself stories about what is bothering him, and generally those stories are way oversimplifications of the reality of the situation.
Get into couples therapy if you want the relationship to continue.0
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