My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

Kevintron2

"I don’t fancy you anymore..."

I stopped reading as soon as I read that.. DROP HIS *kitten*!!!

msmimi

I would try and understand his point if we had only been together for a 1 year or less. But 5 years together and he knows the pressure you're under?! PLEASE! I hate being kicked when I'm already down or struggling. When the going gets tough he's going to get tougher? No thanks. Instead of texting you and saying he's got dinner and a foot rub waiting he has criticism. No thanks.
What if you have twins or get in an accident then what? More tough love? And no it is not different because after five years lack of empathy and support is just what it is. No sugarcoating. He wants you a certain way regardless of what's going on in your life and that's selfish. He can't wait until the pressure is off to see what you'll do? No! He can't chance you getting bigger. SELFISH!
Bottom line you're the hot chick. You've got plenty of options if you want them. I would be out of there like Speedy Gonzales and NEVER look back. HIS LOST!

In the words of Maya Angelo, "if you are lucky enough for someone to show you who they are........believe them."

Laura_beau

Darlin', in the dozen or so pages prior to mine I am sure someone has said this more eloquently than I will....However, blunt is my specialty:

Take your love of running and RUN OUT THE DOOR. He is NOT going to be the man you need and if it's all over your weight the *kitten* should be thrown off a cliff.

No one who truly loves the person you are, the true you, would treat you this way.

And hock the ring to pay for the new living situation.

This, although blunt is SPOT ON.

You should not be even thinking about dating, let alone marrying a guy who does not love you for all of who you are. I can sense that your self confidence is in shatters, but you do not need to lose the weight to keep him, nor do you need to starve yourself and become obsessive to make yourself happy. You need to seriously consider finishing this relationship and work on the relationship with yourself and your health.

Do this for you, you deserve it!

squatsandlipgloss

Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...

So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.

If he doesn't want to accept it, he should either leave or tell he in a tactical way, not make it all about her weight. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly in the post you're replying to but loke I said before, I do understand it if he would say he misses being active with her. Truthfully I would be upset if my boyfriend would suddenly change his lifestyle around and get unhealthy. But I would make sure to let him know I'm concerned about his health and not be so insensitive and say "I don't fancy you anymore." That's just plain rude and I would not want to be with or like someone like that.

Of course you would word it better. Women in general are MUCH better when it comes to considering others feelings and emotions. "I don't fancy you" is probably the nicest simplest way his man brain could come up with. Of course it was a horrible thing to say but you have to look at the meaning behind the words. If people broke up every time someone miss spoke or said something a little insensitive then everyone would be divorced and single. Oh wait that is what everyone does smh....

lol, truth right there.

No, but seriously, though. I understand where you are coming from, absolutely. Everyone says things that aren't very thought-through (men in particular are great at this!) but a simple "I didn't mean it that way, but... (add explanation here)" when you notice that you've hurt the person should follow.

I am not against speaking your mind, but a little sensitivty would be nice. Especially if he knows that she already isn't feeling too great doing what she is doing...

sportzmom23

Maybe its been said, but to the posters picking up on her saying she is 'lazy', did you stop to think she is putting HIS views on herself? Hard to be really be lazy when you are putting in long hours. If you tell a child he is stupid enough, he beleives it, same with a battered SO. They begin to believe what they are repeatedly told.

OP, take care of you, for you! You want the relationship, work it, honestly and openly, but bc you want it, not bc you think you need it. And Make sure you are not the onlymone making concessions in your relationship.

Every relationship, like evry individual, has its ups and downs, it how you handle the downs that determines your character while you are up.

Mommybug2

I have to say that before you jump into a marriage you should determine if the love you have for each other is unconditional - if it's not (and it doesn't seem that it is) how long is this "marriage" going to last. When you marry you should be with a partner who will support you through thick and thin. What if (god-forbid) you were to get into an accident and become disabled? Is THIS the man who is going to be by your side, hold your hand when you need him?

My husband and I have both gained some weight in the past couple of years. Do I love him less? Absolutely not. Is he trying as hard as I am to get back in shape? Hell no. He has recently decided he needed to start walking to get back in shape so I join him to encourage him and show I support him - regardless of the fact that I have already done an hour at the gym. Do I nag him into walking or question his food choices? Um No. I am his wife and partner not his body monitor. We all know that weight loss only works if you are doing it for yourself. Trying to accomplish it to please him is only going to drive you further into a depression.

That said I totally get the stress. My husband was injured last year and not working. So I have become the sole provider for the household working 10-14 hours a day. I have two small children and a house to run. I have stress and lots of it. I have come to a point where I tell him what I need from him to help reduce my stress. I go to the gym during lunch because it is the only time I have, like you I often don't sit down until 9pm and if I workout that late I will not sleep. I will tell you this though - the exercise is so good for stress. When I am on that ellipical I focus all my stress and worry on that machine and watch the calories BURN!

BeachIron

My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...

i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?

might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?

you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?

There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.

"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.

That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.

Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.

A 12 hour work day is not laughable. Don't be a douche.

Don't be lazy. People use their jobs as an excuse all the time on here to sit on the couch and eat too much. The fact that you can't see that this is what she's doing says more about you than her. I have an awesome spouse and we push each other. Both of us have worked far more hours than this and still managed to have kids and a social life that involved exercise. Sitting in front of the TV is neither good for the OP's health or her relationship. What's wrong with a walk with her fiance? Oh yea, she's too tired from all that sitting at work . . .

SarahBeth0625

Get out FAST! You don't have kids with him yet, I'm assuming? Even easier to cut ties. He will only continue to berate you and bring you down. You deserve better! RUN!

DebraYvonne

big red flag...

nicola1141

Having seen all the replies, in all seriousness, what is a guy supposed to do in this situation?

If he genuinely finds his partner unattractive due to weight gain?
A relationship is a 2 way thing, why is it OK for him to be unhappy, but not OK for his partner to be unhappy if he tells her truly how he feels?

I have a feeling that in most peoples minds he can't win, he will be called a jerk whether he lies or tells the truth.

I still don't know the answer, but every story has 2 sides, and is never usually as simple as it initially appears.

Honestly, if he really and truly doesn't fancy her anymore simply because of a change in her size, he shouldn't be marrying her. You shouldn't marry someone if you're only ever going to find them attractive at one size. Life happens and a lot of stuff happens in life. We get old, sometimes we gain weight, sometimes we get sick, sometimes babies wreck our bodies. Some of that is fixable, but some of it is not. If he truly does not fancy her at that weight (and isn't trying to use "tough love" as motivation) then he should think about whether he really and truly can see spending the rest of his life with her.

To the OP, I'm not saying you shouldn't marry him or he shouldn't marry you. A lot more could be underneath that (extremely tactless and insensitive) statement.

It could be that he sees that you're not happy and was trying to "tough love" motivate you.

It could be that he is a controlling freak.

It could be that he's feeling distant from you because you're working so hard and it sounds like you guys don't do the same kinds of stuff together any more (running). If you're not sharing one of his big passions in exercise, and you did before, it could be just that he's not feeling as much connection from lack of bonding time and maybe you need to find a new way to connect.

There's no way any of us Internet people are going to be able to determine which it was. Only you can do that by talking to him (potentially with counselling).

GOOD LUCK!

carrieous

DTMFA. If you think its bad now wait until you have a baby!

himilayaneyes

Sounds like you need a new man.The only thing I can say is that at least he's being honest. However, you may want to reconsider marrying him. Imagine if you had kids with him....how would he feel about you then...unless you've already had kids with him. I'm married, gained weight while married, and my hubby has never told me anything except for I'm beautiful. I'm losing the weight now for myself. Looks only last for so long and trule love runs much deeper than that. Run while you can. Lose the weight by reprioritizing your life. A quick way to lose some serious weight is to dump his butt. Good luck.

cai1961

Why do we as women have so little self esteem, self confidence? Do not give him this power!! You deserve much more than this person. Don't let the few good times you had with this person cloud your judgement..I saw your pictures and if the man you are with is him, he's no Ryan Gosling!!!
You know what you have to do, you were just asking us to confirm your decision!!
All the best

TesselCat

This is sortof a reply to the OP and some other posts I've seen here

When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....

Were those really about you loving running and developing an obsession with the scales, and it was entirely about you enjoying it/wanting it for you? If so, it's a bit understandable that he may feel like you're disconnected with him. I know that I've picked up habits/hobbies while in a relationship, but it wasn't through bullying. They did it, I wanted to see what it was like so I tried, and I enjoyed it. Carried it on with them. I wasn't forced to do it, it just happened. If that is what you experienced, consider that it may really just be him missing that part of you. He may have felt like he introduced you to something that made you happy, and now you've left it (and him) behind.

But the problem is food REALLY cheers me up after a bad day, and the last thing I want to do when I work 7-7 is hit the pavements for a run especially in this never ending winter!

This is something that I think a lot of people suffer from, and need to work on changing. Food can't be a support system, it's not healthy. I feel the struggle with this, too.

Now after a turbulent 18months at work while studying part-time for a diploma (nights and weekends) I have re-gained those 20lb and I'm embarrassed by my appearance.

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now. BUT he also knows I'm having a really hard time at work and I am pretty unhappy which is ultimately leading to my de-motivated attitude of late.

He really has no ground to tell you he's disappointed with your choices like that. It could have just been, as others said, him letting it finally bubble to the top and blurt it out, but that's something you need to discuss with him and find out.

Basically, I agree with those that said you need to have a discussion with yourself, and with him. Find out why you did certain things (lose weight initially, start running, etc.) and then find out what exactly he doesn't fancy. If either: you changed FOR him, or he doesn't like that you regained weight, definitely consider parting ways. If you changed for you, and he's just really bad at saying that he misses your shared interest in fitness, consider talking to him about how you can communicate better about things like that.

Charlottesometimes23

Perhaps you should let him know that his shallow attitude makes him very unattractive. What a jerk.

I hope things work out for you. You deserve better.

michellelemorgan

Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.

Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.

I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.

Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.

THIS is what love looks like.

REDI4CHANGE60

Is that him in your pics?? Has he addressed his receding hairline? Will you love him when he is bald? He sounds like a bully to me. When he turns himself into the PERFECT man, then he can start telling you how to be perfect. If you want to lose weight, then you do it for yourself ... if you do it for anyone else, it won't last. And another point someone else had ... what about if you have a child? Lord forbid if you don't lose the weight on his timetable and get back to your original size (which you realize you never will as your hips will expand naturally for childbirth). He should love you and find you attractive at any weight - you are YOU and the person he fell in love with no matter what you weigh. Good luck if you stay with him ... sounds like you are going to need it.

RingSize8

Forget about what HE said or did for a moment, and think about what you've said here. You've alluded to the fact that you were happier before you guys were together. Happy, healthy, confident I believe we terms you used to describe yourself pre-relationship. Now look at how you describe yourself currently. ...you certainly don't seem happy, healthy, or confident. For no other reasons, I would say leave. Who YOU are in a relationship is a big indicator of how successful your relationship is. If you were a better person (on a multitude of levels) before you were with him, then you will be a better person without him. Forget about him, and think about you. After all, he is CLEARLY thinking about himself here. ...as he should be, and you should be too.

ddagnall1

He might not be sorry for what he said... BUT if he's not sorry he's upset you then that's not a good start to a marriage. That's what he needs to be sorry for, lack of support and offending you. Ask him, if he's not sorry he's hurt you... well think what else he might be capable of doing in the long run. Good luck hun! Don't let anyone tell you what to do anyway. Do only what you want to do! Hugs.

run_way

I personally feel that love should be love, regardless of whether you can fit into your pants. What's he going to say when you have trouble losing the weight after you've had babies?? To say something so hurtful when he knows you've been having a tough time, I would be re-evaluating, Have a sit down with him and see what he says. It seems to me that a couple that is about to be married should be head over heels in love, without any criticism toward each other's physical appearance.

^^ this
I think that you should always try to be the best version of yourself and it is unfair to completely let yourself go, but that does not appear to be the case here.

Think - this is supposed to be the "honeymoon" phase - this behavior is not likely to improve with time. Some people do fine in relationships where the words exchanged can be brutal. I am not one of those people, what he says matters a LOT.

IF you're fine with it and it will inspire you in a healthy (not starving yourself) kind of way, keep at it. Personally, I would view this as an eye-opener for getting out before you commit yourself to him.