My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

wmstormvet

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

seriously?? you did THAT because she gained a pound and a half? did you frog march her at gunpoint to the bathroom scales every 8 hours?

you are what you said you are in every single way.

But on the bright side, you did her a HUGE favour.

I think he meant 125, not a pound and a quarter. lol!

squatsandlipgloss

I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.

You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.

lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!

Hahahaha. lol I can't even... OP: seriously though. You're better than that. You're better than some douche trying to make you feel bad just so you can fit his mold. What is 20lbs seriously? I gained 50 lbs in a few months time (I know... Pathetic) and I was the one who made the decision that enough is enough, my boyfriend was so supportive. I changed my lifestyle and he joined in because he wanted to and wanted to support me (he needn't lose a single gram). He never told me I was getting heavier, when I asked if he noticed he said "yeah, but didn't realize you felt so bad about it." He wasn't in any way trying to put me down or willingly hurt me, but he has been and is so supportive and never comments on my weight or food choices. He tells me he is proud of me all the time and high fives me after workouts etc. that's how I know he is a keeper.

amandapye78

Maybe I'm different but that wouldn't fly with me. I would laugh at him and then pack my bags and move on well after I threw things but I have a temper that way. A man who really loves you wouldn't say those things to you. I mean you are the same size as when he met you right?

rhinesb

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

I could not have said this better myself.

When I met my now husband (I was about 15 lbs over my ideal weight), he loved me for me. Now four children, numerous stretchmarks, etc...later my husband loves me just as much if not more now. I've loved him through his pot bellied, depressed, life sucks stages and he has loved me through mine. He and I both know I need to lose weight but he would absolutely never say what your fiance said to you EVER.

And that clenched gut feeling you are getting while heading home and you know he going to make y ou feel bad. You are going home knowing that by his words and deeds he's about to disappoint you again and your stomach clinches in pain because though you love him for him he only loves the skinny you and not the real you.

pnubn1

Imagine what this guy might be saying about you to someone else. Is it possible that he could be telling someone else that he no longer "fancies" you?

"I wish my gf were more like you......all she does is (fill in the blank)..she never (fill in the blank)..she's so (fill in the blank)....I never (fill in the blank) her."

I think you would be happier without him..because that extra stress would be gone. When you feel better..you look better. But Lady, you are already gorgeous...so, he's picking on you for a totally different reason...do not place the blame on yourself......something else is going on.

SloRunner25

I agree with a lot of women on here saying to let him go.

I almost married a man like this and I'm so glad I had the strength to let him go. I met my ex and started exercising since he was into it too. Even at 150 pounds he kept telling me how I needed to lose more weight and was quite mean about it. After years of increasing verbal abuse that I was completely oblivious to even though my friends and family kept telling me to cut him loose, I finally saw the light and ended the relationship. The next man I dated for a few months would always remark on how skinny I was and how he could feel my hip bones which was something I guess never happened with his exes? It was crazy to find someone who thought I was just fine. A few months after that relationship ended I met the man who is now my husband. He spent 2 years of ups and downs with me and my 50 lb weight gain. In summer 2012 he started telling me how he was concerned about my health because I was at my heaviest and not a very happy lady. It took me until we got back from our honeymoon/1 year anniversary trip to realize I needed to do something. I looked horrible in pictures and couldn't believe I looked like that...I definitely didn't feel like that! Now I'm 20 pounds down and he is beyond proud of me. But it did not matter if I was 205 lbs or now, 185, he has always told me he loves me and still wants me for life (because I asked him and gave him many opportunities to leave to find someone better). I'm blessed to have a great man in my life that doesn't give up and run away just because I gained weight.

It is worth it to find someone who is not shallow and who's love is not conditional on weight. Everyone deserves to have someone that accepts them for who they are and supports them when they are ready to lose the weight. :flowerforyou:

rhinesb

I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.

You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.

Love this! Opra on a cupcake! mwhaahaahaa!

kooltray87

At least he's being open and honest with you. Its a harsh truth and he probably should have said it differently but he wouldn't have said it if he didn't really care about you. He wants to love AND be attracted to you. If you are not secure with yourself how can he is supposed to be secure? Even more than being concerned with where your relationship is headed, you need to work out your own personal demons with food and self-esteem. Once you have yourself together then you'll be able to make a clearer decision about your future.

TwinkieDong

LOL! I literally spit coffee of my keyboard. This is so true.

Personally I think your fiance is out of his mind. Secondly what is the root of his statement? Is it because of your weight? or your weight and other issues? He may not fancy you for a variety of reasons yet, you are simply thinking because of your weight. Is that because you are sensitive of your weight?

Either way, for the most part weight is not an issue at least with me. I mean within reason if you go up or down, it doesnt matter. Love should be able the person, about more than the physical, because guess what....when you get old no matter what you will lose your looks, look at Robert Redford as an example.

from this point I would ask him why he doesn't fancy you, as it seems many men here on mfp, men you work with, random men out of the street fancy you.

I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.

You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.

twelfty

i have no idea if this has been said i really cba to read through lol, but a few things stood out to me here:

1. he met you at a size 12 (the average size of a woman in the UK btw) so had to be attracted to you in the first place at that size, unless he decided from there and then he was going to change you which... isn't great.

2. you have a couple of food issues by the sounds of things most likely brought on by being coaxed into this healthy lifestyle by your OH and the fact it's expected of you is all the more reason to fall off of something you weren't entirely into from the start

3. honesty is aways the best policy but going back to point 1 this is unfair, to say he prefered you at your size 8/10 self than 12 would be a valid comment but no reason to be a **** about it and certainly not the way to be honest

4. to me i don't know if you want to be the thinner you again or not, stress is a tough one to deal with and food is very good at comforting this short term, however long term after a while you put on a few pounds and see you're not your size 8/10 self creates it's own stress (without the comments of your OH lol)

my best advice to you would be to see what you want for yourself, find a better way to cope with stress, tell your OH if he has any desire to be with you still, rather than insult you and be a **** he best buck his ideas up and support you in the way you need or he'll be the one getting the boot! the kebab thing sounds like a binge from too strict a diet maybe if you do decide to lose weight allow yourself a few treats and rewards or a cheat day

if you have a genuine want to be thinner again then go for it, you know it's 100% possible and would make you feel great about yourself, running is a fantastic stress buster too

i wish you the best of luck

ItsCasey

I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.

You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.

lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!

What is 20lbs seriously? I gained 50 lbs in a few months time

What is 20 lbs? 20 lbs is the gateway to 50. She admits that she gained the weight from stress because food cheers her up. Her profile even says she gained the weight out of general laziness! So let's stop pretending it's just a fact of life. It isn't.

It's not about the weight or her size or her appearance. It's her attitude about life and how she deals with the unpleasant things EVERYONE goes through. She has a problem, and her fiancé is just being honest with her. I said in my previous post that he could definitely be more sensitive about pointing out that she needs to make some changes, but he IS right. She gained weight because of her own choices, and he is entitled to call her out on it.

DalekBrittany

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know exactly what a statement like that can feel like, and "motivating" is not a word that comes to mind. To be honest, if my fiance said that to me because of my weight or a depression type problem, I may have to leave him. Of course, I was 160 lbs when I met him, and he was 190...now we are 305 and 284, respectively. So, I can't relate to the size portion. But, I can relate to feeling stuck or depressed, and if he would rather tell you he doesn't fancy you anymore because of it rather than try to help, he may have been looking for an out either way. I'm sorry if that was harsh, but that's how I see it.

I also know that 5 years together isn't something you can just throw away. I think you need to have a talk and see why he isn't even trying to help you through whatever rough time you're having. It may clear some surprising things up because even things like that can come down to simple miscommunication. I hope everything works out for the best and that you get out of this supposed "downward spiral" you've been in. I've been there and I know how tough it can be. Good luck with everything.

robynj88

Reading through your responses, you've had a mixture of replies. I tend to agree with both points being made here. Your fiancé should love you regardless, especially when it's just 20lbs. I know it may seem like a lot but it really isn't, 20lbs doesn't turn you into a completely different personal (physically).40-50lbs, I would understand where he is coming from but I think he is being a little harsh and trying to put some tough love on you to help motivate you.
In one way, you have to applaud his honesty and you are fortunate to have a man who is willing to be that honest with you as some men wouldn't say anything and would just stray away from home because they don't find their partner attractive anymore. That happens a lot more than people realise.

I think you should talk openly with him about how it's made you feel and explain you want to get back into the regime but need some positive encouragement rather than negative.
Also, you need to be doing this for you and not for him. If you aren't happy with yourself, make changes. A kebab for dinner isn't going to make those changes and although you picked something up quickly, you and I both know a kebab was not the healthiest choice you could have picked.

Try to see this as a positive rather than a negative and rather than posting on here how upset you are, sit down and have an honest conversation with him about it.

^^^ Exactly this! And also, if your job is really getting you down that much that you're turning to food for comfort you should consider a career change. I've let horrible jobs get me down in the past but every time I'd spent more than a week feeling miserable I just decided to look for something else. We have to spend a huge portion of our lives working in order to maintain our lifestyles so it might as well be something you enjoy doing.

SaraBrown12

I was a UK 10 when i met my other half. We were together for 15 years and have 2 beautiful children. I ballooned to a UK 22 and yanno what... he was still attracted to me. But now i am a UK 10-12 and almost over the finish line on my weight loss journey and he left me a month ago. If you want to lose weight do it for YOU. If he says he no longer fancy's you the tell him to go get himself a stick insect. I personally would not be able to build a future with a man who is so shallow and insensitive to say such hurtful things. Kicking a person when they are already down is about as far from motivational as humanly possible. If he loves you truly and deeply as a person it shouldn't matter what u look like.

dovetail22uk

I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.

You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.

lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!

What is 20lbs seriously? I gained 50 lbs in a few months time

What is 20 lbs? 20 lbs is the gateway to 50. She admits that she gained the weight from stress because food cheers her up. Her profile even says she gained the weight out of general laziness! So let's stop pretending it's just a fact of life. It isn't.

It's not about the weight or her size or her appearance. It's her attitude about life and how she deals with the unpleasant things EVERYONE goes through. She has a problem, and her fiancé is just being honest with her. I said in my previous post that he could definitely be more sensitive about pointing out that she needs to make some changes, but he IS right. She gained weight because of her own choices, and he is entitled to call her out on it.

Jees maybe you could try a little sensitivity on the subject yourself rather than attacking someone who's asking for help and is obviously upset. Didn't yo momma tell you that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?

You don't actually appear to have read the OP's post. Or if you did, you took from it what you wanted to.

HeidiMightyRawr

Oh wow, I can see why you'd be upset over that.

You could say he's just being honest (which is a good thing) and I could understand if you'd gained a ton of weight, or were now much heavier than you were when you met. What I don't understand is that you're the same size (a perfectly healthy size 12) than when you met?! What will he be like if you decide to have children and for a while after, not in your usual shape?

He shouldn't expect you to keep up with his exercise regime. How was he on that when you first met?

rhinesb

Ok, so I am not really going to give advice... I am going to give you a few questions to ask yourself

1. How often does he build you up? (As in tell you how much he cares about you, good things about you, how beautiful you look)

2. Why did you start working out? (Did he give hints that he though you should? Did he blatantly say you should? Was it your own decision?)

3. How does he speak to you in front of other people? (Does he talk about your weight or fitness? Does he tell his friends how much he cares about you? Does he make little jokes about you?)

4. How often does he do things that you enjoy doing? (Things that aren't necessarily his favorite things, but you really enjoy)

5. How does he feel about the decisions that you make about school and work? (Does he support your decisions? or make you feel like you are inconveniencing him?)

And last, I am going to leave you with a thought (and I know some people have mentioned this): How is he going to feel when you have kids? You will gain weight for the 9 months that you are pregnant and then afterwards, even if you do loose the weight in a reasonable time, you are still going to have stretch marks and a little looseness in the lower ab area. Also, your lady parts will be totally different, especially if you breast feed.

Hopefully you are able to make a decision that will make you happy in the long run. You are a beautiful woman and deserve to be built up and happy!

*hugs* Take care of yourself hun

This is it. Ask these questions of yourself!!!! Please do! She said it so well. Really think on this because the answers to these questions can make a huge difference on whether or not you can work through this or drop him like a hot potato!

deksgrl

If you still fancy him and want to still be in the relationship, I think it is time for a tough talk. Everyone has brought up a lot of great questions. I would get together a list (mental or paper) of questions you think are important.

For me, it would be things like:

1. When you told me you didn't fancy me anymore, were you trying to motivate me or is there a serious problem with our relationship?
2. You know I'm not comfortable with my current weight but what if I was? If I was happy at this weight, could you love me as I am?
3. As we age, our bodies will definitely change. I may be able to lose weight but I know eventually I'll have a saggy bum, grey hair, crow's feet, ect.... could you love me like that or is our love based on physical attraction?

These are valid questions. Someone else touched on the fact that he may also be upset with your schedule, and having lost the companionship you had when you worked out together. Perhaps that is the more major issue and he just lashed out in frustration in a way that made you think it is all about the weight/appearance.

Communicate, that's the only way to find out what is really going on. And then decide from there how to proceed.

KimberlyDCZ

There is a great book out there called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think there is something deeper going on in your relationship then the weight which the book might help you with.

THIS!

kooltray87

Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...

So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.