My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
-
He was honest, and also, in being honest, revealed that he is actually a shallow person who isn't a very good partner. Be thankful that you didn't marry him.0
-
His sentiment is whatever to me as that is for you two to discuss, but his APPROACH, his WORDING!
You arent his child so "disappointed" and "downward spiral" have no place there.
No maam.0 -
If I had a dollar for every time I said something out of frustration that was not really what I meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be a rich woman. And an additional dollar for every time my BF said something out of frustration that was not what he meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be very rich. I really think that honest and open and REGULAR communication is the biggest problem here, not necessarily that he's an *kitten* and won't love and support her through thick and thin.0
-
Just break up.
And I say that in all seriousness.
I was married to a guy like that. It never changes, it never gets better. It will drain every ounce of YOU away.
You're lucky you found out BEFORE you married him.
The guy I'm seeing right now has made it clear with words AND actions that he finds me beautiful, sexy and desireable regardless of whether I stay my current size, gain or lose (LOSE is all I'm planning on, but I love his support).
Looks come and go. Weight comes and goes. The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Your journey to health and fitness needs to be for YOU only.
THIS. Notably: The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Would you leave him, in that circumstance? That's what marriage is -- committing for better or worse, sickness and in health.
My question -- WTF is HIS problem that he didn't have a lovely healthy dinner waiting for you after a horrid day and nasty commute? Surely you were texting/talking during that time.0 -
Again, though, we don't know what exactly the 'downward spiral' means. It could be a downward spiral of her attitude, her appearance or some combination of both. Maybe she complains how much she hates how she looks, feels depressed and seeks solace in her food. The point is: we don't know all the details. We can't know all the details from one person. I've been in the middle of two friends in a relationship, and the discrepancies between their stories were astounding. Even just casually discussing things, they would have entirely different details of what happened.You have a point, but not much of one I'm afraid. 20 pounds, in the grand scheme of things, is not "a downward spiral" nor is it an excuse to say something like "I don't fancy you".
If OP was morbidly obese, or putting herself at risk for health issues, that would be a different matter entirely. But as many people have mentioned, how can this supposedly wonderful fiancee of hers be prepared to handle her having a baby or getting an illness that may cause her to lose weight or be "less attractive" some other way, if he can't even handle her gaining 20 pounds? If you look at her pictures she is still beautiful and I'm not sure why any man wouldn't want her.
If they are preparing to spend the rest of their lives together they can't decide they don't want each other at the first small obstacle like this. That would be like my boyfriend of 6 months saying to me "Well, you're still a really long way away from your goal weight. I'm sorry but I just don't fancy you like this, I'm going to wait until you've lost more and then you'll be hot."
I wouldn't take that kind of attitude and neither should OP.
e: Again, though. I do agree that if he is the type of person that people are seeing, the OP does entirely deserve better. But she needs to figure out where the problem really is before making any decisions.0 -
If I had a dollar for every time I said something out of frustration that was not really what I meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be a rich woman. And an additional dollar for every time my BF said something out of frustration that was not what he meant and misconstrued as something else, then I would be very rich. I really think that honest and open and REGULAR communication is the biggest problem here, not necessarily that he's an *kitten* and won't love and support her through thick and thin.
You bring up a great point, and for OP's sake I hope that's what's going on. Because the alternative is pretty sad.0 -
That is not a supportive person AT ALL.
He should NOT want you to lose weight so he can "fancy" you, he should want you to lose weight for YOUR HEALTH.
And you need to do it for YOU, on YOUR time, when YOU'RE ready... not because he pressures you. And he needs to be supportive of you in whatever choice you make, whether it's to lose weight now, or wait until you are more ready. It's fine for him to make CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions here and there... such as "hey sweetie that may not be the best thing for your diet!" or something polite. He does not need to be verbally harassing you and tearing you down.
You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that if he LOVES you, then to him, you are ALWAYS beautiful at ANY size because he loves who you are, not just what you look like.
This emotional abuse isn't going to help you. Or him.0 -
The bottom line is you need to get fit and be healthy for you. If you try to do it for anyone else, you will fail. Think back to how good you felt when you were exercising and eating right. I HATE to exercise. I try to talk myself out of it every day. Over this past winter, I was like you - stressed, over-worked, and depressed. I gained back 8 pounds.
Now comes the second part: The difference is my husband never said ONE WORD to me about my lack of motivation. He has never once commented on my body or weight. His only comments have ever been that he wants me to be healthy - I'm guessing this is because he loves me and wants me to hang around. During the course of our relationship, we have both put on considerable weight. And I can honestly tell you that neither of us is any less attracted to the other.
Which makes me think the issue with your fiance` isn't about your weight - He's using that as an excuse to blame you for his feelings about you. Size 12 is not huge. It's not disgusting. It's also not so far from an 8.
You need to love you. Period. Do you love yourself enough to start exercising (hell, even if it's only a 30 minute walk on your lunch break) and reduce your portions and make healthier choices? You must love yourself first. And you must change how you are talking to yourself. Because I'm guessing that the way your fiance` is talking to you is being reinforced by how you are talking to yourself.
If you decide to take back control of your health, do it for you, and for no one else. Stop listening to your fiance`. Start being kinder to yourself. And for the love of God, do NOT marry this man right now. Because people who love you do NOT intentionally hurt you. And no matter which way he tries to spin it, there were a million other ways he could have tried to encourage you. But he chose the one that would hurt you. That speaks volumes to me.0 -
I can imagine how badly it felt to hear those words out of his mouth. I wish there was some way to fix the work situation so you could be back to maximum happiness which would put you back in the mood for your runs and give you much-needed energy. His harsh words certainly didn't help and I wish for your sake that he had been more sensitive, but I figure the problem is with your general unhappiness and if that were resolved, I think the rest would fall in line.
Good luck and remember to love yourself and value your happiness. :flowerforyou:0 -
You've been together 5 years. This has more to do with his feelings than any physical attribute you may or may not have. It is a rough patch in most relationships at the 3-7 year mark. This is the time when all those "cute" idiosyncrasies a partner has when you are first dating, become really grating.
Recognize that his emotional needs are not being met by the relationship. And, no, he can't tell that is what the problem is, because he likely has no idea that is what is actually going on. He's telling himself stories about what is bothering him, and generally those stories are way oversimplifications of the reality of the situation.
Get into couples therapy if you want the relationship to continue.0 -
OP, from my point of view, it sounds like your fiance wants to call it off and is giving you one last chance to turn back into the person he thought you were.
I agree with everyone else saying to talk to him and ask yourself the hard questions. If the person he wants you to be is the person you want to be, then work to be that person before it's too late! If the person he wants you to be isn't someone you want to be any more, then it'll be better for both of you to agree to call it off.
It's not fair on him if he loves someone who doesn't exist any more because you've changed and don't want to change back.0 -
After several of the other replies, and rereading your original post, I think it is also possible that perhaps he means that he is disappointed that you haven't been spending the normal time with him, as you were when you were in a healthier mode.
Although I still don't think he should have said he didn't "fancy" you anymore. No real excuse for that.0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
THIS0 -
Wow--I can relate to some of your story. My husband continually says he loves me no matter what I look like and he shows it as well but I can't get my brain to believe it! I am my own worst enemy! My husband doesn't have to work out--he is constantly doing something and he isn't into how he looks in his clothes--I wouldn't either if I looked like him! He would never tell me I have to lose weight. I have told him not to say anything about what I am eating or doing as it hurts my feelings and I don't need to feel down about my decisions. He has accepted that and doesn't do it anymore.
Anyways--I felt the same way about my self for a long time and winter just makes things harder. I have only been working out and watching what I eat for a coulple of weeks but I feel 100% better! I tried running last year but I just couldn't get the love of it--so I am trying videos at home which seem to be going better-I am motivated way more than the running thing.
It sounds like you might be tyring to fit into his life more than living in your own. You don't want to lose who you are as a person and you don't want someone controlling how you should look, what you should be wearing or eating. I have been there and it took me a long time to realize it and change it. Be honest with him about how you are feeling and if he can't see your side--maybe reconsider the relationship for your own sanity, health, and positivity.
Life is short and we are in charge of our own lives.
Hope this helps.0 -
Get off your butt and run...out the door and throw the ring at him while you go. Screw that. Better to find out that he is an emotionally abusive jerk now than 5 years into the marriage.0
-
Again, though, we don't know what exactly the 'downward spiral' means. It could be a downward spiral of her attitude, her appearance or some combination of both. Maybe she complains how much she hates how she looks, feels depressed and seeks solace in her food. The point is: we don't know all the details. We can't know all the details from one person. I've been in the middle of two friends in a relationship, and the discrepancies between their stories were astounding. Even just casually discussing things, they would have entirely different details of what happened.You have a point, but not much of one I'm afraid. 20 pounds, in the grand scheme of things, is not "a downward spiral" nor is it an excuse to say something like "I don't fancy you".
If OP was morbidly obese, or putting herself at risk for health issues, that would be a different matter entirely. But as many people have mentioned, how can this supposedly wonderful fiancee of hers be prepared to handle her having a baby or getting an illness that may cause her to lose weight or be "less attractive" some other way, if he can't even handle her gaining 20 pounds? If you look at her pictures she is still beautiful and I'm not sure why any man wouldn't want her.
If they are preparing to spend the rest of their lives together they can't decide they don't want each other at the first small obstacle like this. That would be like my boyfriend of 6 months saying to me "Well, you're still a really long way away from your goal weight. I'm sorry but I just don't fancy you like this, I'm going to wait until you've lost more and then you'll be hot."
I wouldn't take that kind of attitude and neither should OP.
You're right, but it's obviously bothering OP enough to tell complete strangers about it, so even if the drama has been augmented in her own mind it's still there. I encouraged her to do some thinking about how badly she wants to lose the weight / improve herself, and to truly determine whether she feels like she needs to do this for him or whether she wants it but is just unmotivated. Obviously if she truly loves him she's not going to take the advice to "drop him right now" or "just break up", but she can't be forced to communicate properly with her partner.
Sometimes, you're just not compatible with someone in that department, which results in too many fights and too many unintentionally hurt feelings. It happened with me and my ex even though we talked constantly-- I belittled her and tried to force her to change things to suit the relationship, even though it was only because I wanted us to be happy together. But my flawed logic meant that I thought she HAD to change for us to be happy, instead of realizing that I had to accept her as she was and love her that way, or leave her.
With my boyfriend now, who suffers from depression, is on a very slow path to recovery from substance abuse and basically being unable to function on his own in any way. I almost fell into the same trap as my ex-- I began to bully him a little, thinking all he needed was some "tough love"-- and he relapsed and lied to me for months while he continued to use, because my words had warped his thinking and he felt like he needed to use to be the person I wanted him to be. Which was bullsh!t of course, and I was very angry when I found out, but now (after more rehab) I just let him be. If he wants to lay in bed all day, I let him. I of course try to encourage him, and push him to keep up with therapy and stuff like that, but in the end HE has to motivate himself to change.
The longer OP goes without wanting to motivate herself, the worse for her. But that does not give her fiancee the right or the responsibility to push her, whether it's her attitude, mental state, or the weight. You can't change people, even the ones you love. You can only support them and be a good example.0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
all of this - I, too, had a fiancee who had almost the same conversation with me - I had put on 7lbs over the course of 5 years - to me, it's all about control - he wanted it and what it made me do was eat and eat and eat to assert my control over myself (stupid,, I know now, but the only way I felt I had any control). We split up eventually and you can see from my profile the weight did become a real issue for me - I used it as a barrier for years. However, you can only do this if it is for yourself - sure, he will benefit and 'fancy' again but do you really want to do it for someone who is using weight loss and gain as a weapon in your relationship. maybe you need to speak to him about how it made you feel, maybe he is unaware of how it came out but you need his support not his criticism if you are going to do this healthfully and sensibly.
Good luck and I hope it works out for you0 -
You have been blessed with this happening prior to marriage. get the F out now.0
-
I wouldn't stay with anyone like that.( Ther was a time when I would).
I also think the timing stinks,to say something so insensitive and then go out of town.0 -
If you want to lose weight/get fit then do it for yourself. If you do lose weight and stay with your fiancé he will have a hold over you and he'll be the one in control.
I've been with my husband for just over 10 years now. I was 147lbs and a UK 10/12 when we met. I out on weight, he barely even noticed, even when I was miserable. I lost it for our wedding, then got pregnant. Lost it all, got pregnant again and put on loads. I was 220 after our daughter was born. My husband still loved and fancied me. He was saying how pretty and cute I looked in a photo when our daughter was a baby and saying how he wished I could've seen that at the time.
If you marry this man and go on to have kids how will he be? I personally wouldn't put up with him.0 -
Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.
Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.
I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.
Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.
This^^
I too had a boyfriend like this for about 4 years and he would drop those little comments to me. Eventually we broke up, and at first I was devastated. But then I met the man I'm now married to, and he has never once judged me based on my weight. I've even gained about 15lbs since we met, and he still tells me he doesn't care, he loves me either way. The point is, your fiance sounds really shallow and obsessed with looks. It's one thing to be supportive and push someone to be their best, but it's another to knock them down and make them feel insecure. You don't need that negativity in your life, it will only make you feel worse and worse every day. I agree with everyone else, get out now before you get married to someone who will make you feel less confident in yourself everyday.0 -
I don't have any advice, as you're the one in the situation, and it's you who knows him, so you'll have the best feel for how things may go.
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
This is kinda the way I feel. Althogh it hurts and maybe the way he went about it wasn't the best, he's trying to let you know how he feels.. at least he's honest.I have seen lots of people pretend like aesthetics don't matter to them in their relationship but then when they're with their friends they admit to not really being attracted to their mate anymore. At least he has the decency to tell you in the privacy of your own home and not behind your back to friends or worse, harbor these feeling and let it affect other areas of your relationship.
I guess the issue is with the way that you percieve it. If you feel like he's trying to "change" you than you have to deal with that. If you're legitimately unhappy with your appearance yourself you'll have to do something about that. I work 12+ hours a day,commute 2 hours a day and am a single parent and I still make it to the gym 5-6 times a week. It depends how much you want it. I don't watch tv at all during the week to go to the gym. it's worth it for me. I meal prep on Sunday and Wednesday nights my meats to eat so I have healthy choices for lunch and dinner when I get home and am too tired to cook. I pack my workout bag and have it in the car so I go straight from work instead of getting home and letting the desire to go to the gym dwindle.. it's all about choices. You can choose to get fit, or choose to stay the same but you have to respect the man for at least voicing what he feels. He didn't say he loves you less he said he fancys your less which I'm guessing is physically...he loves you enough to say something.0 -
I wish you good luck!0
-
If this is how he is now, don't marry him! My husband has loved me and "fancied" me no matter what size I am. Lose the weight for yourself no one else. I was a size 12 when we met in college and I'm now a size 22 (3 kids later,and having lost 20lbs). He still tells me I'm sexy and beautiful and that he wants me. True love goes deeper than looks. It's your life together, but if this is how you feel now before you are married just stop and ask yourself what else will he not fancy about once you are married. Get why to getting is good.0
-
Did he say it with gentleness in his tone or with discuss ...if the latter I say let him go !0
-
well done you for sharing your story, you come across as a really LOVELY person,
I think this is a very uncaring and insensitive way of addressing this issue, even if it is an issue for you, you are meant to be loving and considerate to your life partner,
I've seen your pictures, you remind me of one of my daughters; and IF it was my daughter who'd been spoken to like this I'd be advising her very hard to consider if this is the type of person she wants to spend her life with
so, my call, dump him, & if you fancy a bit of revenge tell him you couldn't consider marrying a bald bloke!! & see how he likes it.
you're only here once Kezza, & you're young, get out there & find someone who wants to look after you & make you feel good, :flowerforyou:0 -
What he said isn't the biggest problem, the way he's behaved around it is. If he'd meant it to be encouraging or was practising 'tough love' he wouldn't be acting cold now, and once he'd seen how hurt you were he'd try to comfort you, not refuse to apologise.
It sounds like he's a pretty vain guy with an exercise obsession, you shouldn't be with someone who makes you lack confidence - and does so intentionally. From your photo you look gorgeous, and the standards he's holding you up to are ridiculous. A marriage should be a refuge and a support, not another thing to bring you down when you're already having a tough time.
I think you should talk to him - calmly - and ask him how, like people have mentioned on here, does he think he'll deal with things when you're pregnant, post-pregnant, get older etc? It's inevitable that you'll change and age as time goes on, don't lock yourself into a relationship where you're always going to feel second best.0 -
i think that it was nice he was honest, but he could have thought of a more tactful way to word that. now it sounds like he's dug his heels in and feels like he is 'right' so he doesnt feel bad. he can not be sorry for what he said but still be sorry for how he said it or the way it came across. if anything he should be sorry that what he said hurt you. far too many people get thru this life hurting others with the excuse of "well it was the truth"...just because you tell someone the truth doesnt mean you have to say it in a hurtful way.0
-
Oh man, I'm sorry
. I'm sure everything I want to say has been said, but please rethink spending the rest of your life with someone like this!! 20lbs is nothing, you are a size 8US which is nowhere near fat/unattractive - and yes, what happens if you gain as you age, have kids, etc? He should be attracted to YOU as a person, not just your body. 0 -
Looks aren't everything - and weight isn't either. What would he say if you gained 35 pounds while pregnant? From one who has dealt with that mental abuse many times from men about my weight. Sorry0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions