My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
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I totally agree. If he was concerned about her "downward spiral" given her increasing stress and work, he could be stepping up and offering to prepare meals or snacks so she isn't as tempted, or offering something helpful to keep her on track.
What did he do for dinner that night? Did he himself eat out? Did he cook dinner for himself but not you? Did he just not eat?
Depending on the answer you have - hypocrisy, a lack of caring, or unhealthy behavior.
Also, you've been together for 5 years and you've "only" been engaged for 6 months? Sounds like somebody was pretty undecided all along. I'm guessing it wasn't you. I dated a guy like this. I know what decision i made. And it didn't take me 5 years to do it... Good luck.0 -
When I gained weight my boyfriend (of 3 years) i'm sure fancied me less but he would NEVER have told me! He always said that he would help me to lose weight if I wanted to but NEVER did he say that he didn't think i was beautiful, he told me i was all the time.
This is my b/f too. He met me when I was 180 pounds....and when I went up to 210 he NEVER said he didn't care for me or didn't want me anymore. He told me he loved me no matter WHAT size I was. He said "all I want is for you to be healthy". I am losing weight for ME...not for him or anyone else. You're b/f needs a good kick in the rump.0 -
I totally agree. If he was concerned about her "downward spiral" given her increasing stress and work, he could be stepping up and offering to prepare meals or snacks so she isn't as tempted, or offering something helpful to keep her on track.
What did he do for dinner that night? Did he himself eat out? Did he cook dinner for himself but not you? Did he just not eat?
Depending on the answer you have - hypocrisy, a lack of caring, or unhealthy behavior.
Also, you've been together for 5 years and you've "only" been engaged for 6 months? Sounds like somebody was pretty undecided all along. I'm guessing it wasn't you. I dated a guy like this. I know what decision i made. And it didn't take me 5 years to do it... Good luck.
Just on this point - It would be the norm to go out with somebody for a number of years before getting engaged where I'm from.. and in the UK where I assume the OP is from given her reference to UK clothes size.
To the OP: He sounds like a controlling knob. Lose weight for you, not him.0 -
on one hand, he sounds like an insensitive jerk for not understanding your work struggles...
...on the other hand, it sounds as though you knew he took this health thing pretty seriously when you met him so you should have known what you were getting yourself into and that at some point he wouldn't desire you if you weren't healthy like him.
... me personally, I think the former outweighs the latter and I really would not recommend marrying this guy...marriage is about understanding...and it sounds like he has little of that.0 -
Married is in sickness and in health. Mature people do not bail when the going gets tough or when something happens that they personally don't like.
Maybe the only thing that kept you 2 together was the exercise. Without that, do you have a solid foundation? Weight issues are not the real problem here...it's something underlying that.0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
^^ x20 -
...I cant help but feels its the beginning of the end because now I will only be all the more insecure and embarrassed around him, which is clearly already affecting our relationship…..
You should NEVER feel this way about your partner. The way I knew that my husband was THE ONE is the way he instantly made, and after 12 years, still does make me feel absolutely safe, secure and totally accepted. Good luck to you!
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He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she.....started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that,
If the guy had sat her down and said something like this, with understanding instead of, "I don't fancy you anymore.", I might be inclined to feel differently about him. A little diplomacy goes a long way in a relationship.0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
^^ x2
OH ME GOD, you're soooo right. OP - forget about yourself COMPLETELY!!! It's all about him and how he's feeling, don't you get that? Don't you understand?? He wants to hold hands and run together!!! Just stop being stressed about your job, right this instant.. and stop the emotional eating, k.. stick on some lipstick, some nice knickers and dance for him to make him feel better.
Sarcasm overload.0 -
Do you 'fancy' you? Thats all that matters. If this man loves you weight is no issue. Recently all my hair fell out, balder than an old man, and my husband proudly held my hand and said I was beautiful. My husband is 40 lbs over weight..is it fanciful..nope...but I proudly hold his hand and tell him how loved he is. Thats what makes a successful marriage...unconditional love and acceptance.
There are far bigger issues here than 20 lbs can account for. He sounds controlling and eventually exercise alone wont be enough to meet his expectations. He wants a trophy wife..let him find one elsewhere. Of course that sounds drastic, so try a compromise..instead of a run~a nice walk holding hands and talking and being supportive of the others circumstances. What ever he will agree to.
I am a firm beliver in' til death do us part', so please dear consider your options and what life`~long term ~has to offer you.
You need to get healthy for you. NO-ONE ELSE.
God bless0 -
You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.0
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I recently saw an interview with country star Miranda Lambert. She realized that she had packed on a few pounds (easy to do with her petite stature). She asked her husband "Why didn't you tell me I was getting fat?" his response "It's not my job to tell you you're fat, it's my job to tell you you're beautiful".
I love this. IMO love should be about what's within a person, not the exterior.0 -
You women are all the same. You b*tch and moan about us not communicating enough, not expressing our feelings, etc. But when we tell you how we feel we somehow turn into the "abusive, controlling" one because you don't like what we are saying.
BTW, telling someone you aren't attracted to them anywhere is FAR from abusive language (or controlling behavior for that matter) ....if you want verbal abuse I can provide real examples.
I am not one of those women. I find it absolutely insane that people are calling this guy every name under the sun and they haven't even met him or heard his side of the story...
I second that
I third this in the sense that I'm not calling him names at all. He had the guts to say exactly what he's thinking and feeling. Now it's in OP's court. Will she have the guts to face that head on and make decisions based on what he has told her in all honesty?
But I still think having kids would be an awful mistake unless his views on her appearance and activity level change drastically because let's face it, women end up doing most of the childcare and if she's too stressed now to work on her weight imagine how it will be for her when she has ankle biters taking up her time and energy?
Yet I applaud this man for not lying about how he feels. Good for him. She might have to leave him though, or ensure that she doesn't get pregnant.0 -
You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.
This is a very valid point.. the fact that you didn't tell him to f&ck the f&ck off when he initially brought it up speaks volumes about your willingness to put up with this treatment.0 -
You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.
What a mean reply. Do you get pleasure out of putting people down?
Your profile pic and your cold words are in contradiction.0 -
Okay, so I've been thinking about this long and hard. On the one hand I feel as though your fiance was incredibly insensitive, and didn't put any thought into how his words might hurt you. But, on the other hand I would say that I could understand, from his perspective, why he would be feeling less connected/attracted to you. Even you aren't happy with the person you're becoming (and I feel as that is more important than anything else), and if you aren't happy with yourself how can anyone else be. And again, I want to reiterate that I am not purely talking about psychical attractiveness, although I won't say that it doesn't matter (but it most definitely should NOT matter the MOST).
In my opinion, you really need to sit down and assess your life. If you aren't happy with your job, don't be afraid to make a change. If you aren't happy with the way you look, workout and eat healthier (do it the right way though, don't cut meals, you're just going to make yourself miserable). And, if you are feeling like there is turmoil in your relationship, sit down and talk to him about it. You both need to voice you opinions as adults. I can't tell you how vital it is for you to be able to speak about EVERYTHING together.
But most importantly I want you to do what is going to make you a happier/healthier person. Don't do things just because you feel like your fiance wants those things, do them because you want to.0 -
Sounds like a tool to me. Get rid of him.0
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There is a great book out there called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think there is something deeper going on in your relationship then the weight which the book might help you with.
I'm only on page 10 of responses but I want to second this suggestion. I really enjoyed this book and it gave me a lot of perspective on my marriage and relationships -- not just with my husband but my children as well.
Good luck.0 -
You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.
What a mean reply. Do you get pleasure out of putting people down?
Your profile pic and your cold words are in contradiction.
It doesn't surprise me that people think I'm being mean here but I have had years of women I know crying over men like this but then they just keep going for the same types of men. They need to change not the men is all I'm saying.0 -
You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.
What a mean reply. Do you get pleasure out of putting people down?
Your profile pic and your cold words are in contradiction.
It doesn't surprise me that people think I'm being mean here but I have had years of women I know crying over men like this but then they just keep going for the same types of men. They need to change not the men is all I'm saying.
Yes but you're making a huge judgement call about the situation based on one post. You may be right, you may be wrong, but in my opinion, you certainly don't know enough to leap right in with a mean and judgemental call like you have.0 -
most people on here are passing judgment, that what happens when you post on a forum.0
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Well I don't know you or your fiancé, but what I can say is I believe you should only use kind words that lift others up. You cannot unspeak an unkind word, nor can you undo the hurt it causes. Everyone should stop and think before they speak. My husband and I exercise together but there have certainly been times (due to stress/kids/work/combinations of all three) when I haven't felt like it and maybe gained a few kilos. He still always told me how beautiful I was and that my beauty shone from the inside.
Good luck with your decision making and don't give anyone permission to put you down .... It doesn't matter who they are!!!0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
EXCEPT she said this - When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
She didn't change, this is how she was when they met!0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
EXCEPT she said this - When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
She didn't change, this is how she was when they met!
You're right there missus.0 -
you say mean, but if it's true then she needs to hear it.You sound like so many women I have met over the years and the truth is women like you always end up with men like this. Men that put you down and dominate you. I wouldn't say dump him because you'll probably just go back out and find someone just like him so you should try to work with him on this one if you think its worth sticking with him. If I were you I would tell him to 'shut the fu** up and mind his own god damn business' but then I'd probably be dumped. Its your decision but I think you are the problem and not him tbh. You allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if I offend.
What a mean reply. Do you get pleasure out of putting people down?
Your profile pic and your cold words are in contradiction.
She does need to ask herself why she puts up with this.
If she doesn't believe she deserves better, why should he?0 -
To the OP - you look great as you are and a size 12 is small anyway so any changes you make to your body from now on should really only be because YOU want to change yourself for whatever reason - tone up, get healthy, not because someone is basically emotionally blackmailing you. i know that sounds dramatic and i dont know the guy, but if he wants to marry you then he needs to accept that you are not going to stay looking the same way your entire life, and neither is he. people change as they get older, he should find you sexy anyway if he loves you.
I would tell him how much his pressure is damaging your self esteem. My partner isnt perfect by any means, but weather i've been slimmer or bigger, he always tells me I look good, he never tells he what I should be eating. He is one of these people who can eat anything and stay toned.. (DAMN HIM lol) however, he is diabetic so if nething I am the one nagging him on what to eat, simply cos I don't want him to be sick when he's older, not because i 'wouldnt fancy him' if he put on weight.
I hope whatever you choose to do it is the best thing for yourself. and good luck on your health journey.
PS- does he ever indulge? lol check his car for mcdonalds wrappers!!
Jk x 0 -
My ex was like this. (That’s why he’s my ex). He'd always bully me about my weight even when I got down to 130lb us size 7. I finally threw off our engagement and a two and a half year relationship and I’m much happier. I’m not saying you should leave but if he can’t accept you at your low points he doesn’t deserve you at your best. I know my biggest weight loss was dropping his azz that’s 190lb right there and I feel sooooo much better.0
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When I was married to the father of my girls he was always on me about my weight after I had the girls. And believe it or not I only weighed 105 after the baby fat came off. He was constantly trying to control my life. And yes the control issue is why we are no longer married. Even my girls hate how controlling he can be. Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. I was 140lbs when we met. Over the 4 years we have been together I have gained 20 lbs. However, he says he still finds me as attractive today as the day we first met. He says its me that turns him on and not my body. He does say that men who only love women for their body are shallow. He keeps in shape himself and is very supportive in my endevour to get back to what I once was. I couldn't love him more for it too. I won't give you advice about what you should do, but know this I am much happier now than I was with my first husband.0
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OP, honestly if it were me, I'd dump him. In fact, I'd have fun with the whole thing and "surprise him" when he comes back by leaving him a card or slip of paper saying I'm calling off the engagement and breaking up with him. (Or if you live with him, I'd totally pack up all of my stuff and let him come back to the "surprise" that I'm gone lol!)
Ultimately it's up to you, but I could never be happy in a relationship (and especially a marriage) like this. I could understand a man doing something like this (but in a very kind, gentle, and loving way) if his girlfriend/fiance/wife had gained 50+ pounds, but to act like this at 10-20 extra pounds is ridiculous in my opinion. ESPECIALLY since you're now the same weight you were when you met him! So I say dump him! He sounds like the kind of man who will always somehow make you feel miserable!0 -
If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?
yeah same for me id be gone in a heartbeat but i have seen what a marriage like this done to my mom my dad drove her into bulimia and alcoholisum just with constant saying she is to fat and ugly and stupid.
Also what puzzles me you said you lost 20 lbs since you met him and now you gained them back so you are at the weight when he met you and fell in love with you? I think he is just looking for a excuse and knows that your weight has been troubling you0
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