My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
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When it comes to a loving relationship between two people, it's what's on the inside that counts. Now, there are 2 side to every story and we didn't hear the tone or context of this conversation so it's not easy to judge.
He said he didn't fancy you anymore... that's a huge problem... run for the hills! If he doesn't love you for who you are then there's not much to the relationship. You are who you are and don't evey let anyone try to change you.
Now, you said you've been stresse at work. a couple weeks... month or two... ok... but it's been over a year! It's not changing right now! So you have to decide what your priorities are and understand that life is about choices. You are making choices to not excercise and not eat healthy. You are down on yourself because of it.
Time to take a hard look at your priorities and choices. This helps me tremendously when life is getting me down...
Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
You can only change within yourself. You cannot change him... Good luck, girl!0 -
I am so sorry.
This is affecting you so badly that he should be afraid for the future of the relationship. If he is not afraid, then he probably isn't the personality type you should be with long-term.
I do understand that people can't scold themselves into desiring someone else. I do also understand that people can't scold each other into physical perfection.
It just seems like his way of handling this and your way of handling it are so far apart that it would make more sense not to move ahead with the wedding plans until you get this resolved -- either figuring out different ways to communicate, or splitting up.0 -
^^ this^^This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
You have the right to be happy in your own body, and not one single soul on this earth has the right to make you feel less than what you deserve.0 -
If he cared a damn he could have had something healthy prepared for you to eat when you got home, not sit with a face like a slapped *kitten* whining about "downward spirals" and not fancying you.
Maybe just print this out and carry it around with you. It condenses the whole concept of teamwork into one sentence.0 -
how is being with him improving your life?
if it's not, 'but i love him' isn't enough.0 -
I totally agree. If he was concerned about her "downward spiral" given her increasing stress and work, he could be stepping up and offering to prepare meals or snacks so she isn't as tempted, or offering something helpful to keep her on track.
What did he do for dinner that night? Did he himself eat out? Did he cook dinner for himself but not you? Did he just not eat?
Depending on the answer you have - hypocrisy, a lack of caring, or unhealthy behavior.
But - she weighed as much as she did now when they met, so - arguably how did he "fancy her" to begin with, if he only truly appreciated her body after she'd lost 20 lbs, partly by starving herself? Is that more about the appearance, or more about the fact that she was "obeying" the regimen and behavior he expects of her?
If you want to save this relationship, OP, I'd suggest the possibility of some kind of counseling, as this sounds like just the tip of the iceberg to potential problems if his way of expressing disappointment is emotionally abusive and blackmail-ish.0 -
He was honest, and also, in being honest, revealed that he is actually a shallow person who isn't a very good partner. Be thankful that you didn't marry him.
This! Very good point!0 -
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It is very much not an indicator of a loving relationship. As another poster said, you're blessed to have discovered this before the wedding. A divorce is often very messy and hurtful, especially when kids may be involved...
Just as comparison, years ago my wife put on a bunch of weight, and I didn't even notice until she had taken a large amount of it back off again. I loved her - and believe me, "fancied" her every night, sometimes twice - throughout it all. And she did likewise as I ballooned up to a mystery weight over 330lbs, and am now working my way back down.
Find someone who loves you and wants to fancy you because you are who you are, not how much you weigh.
If you choose to work it out, I wish you the best of luck.0 -
I recently saw an interview with country star Miranda Lambert. She realized that she had packed on a few pounds (easy to do with her petite stature). She asked her husband "Why didn't you tell me I was getting fat?" his response "It's not my job to tell you you're fat, it's my job to tell you you're beautiful".
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I recently saw an interview with country star Miranda Lambert. She realized that she had packed on a few pounds (easy to do with her petite stature). She asked her husband "Why didn't you tell me I was getting fat?" his response "It's not my job to tell you you're fat, it's my job to tell you you're beautiful".
we all need a Blake shelton!0 -
I don't have any advice, as you're the one in the situation, and it's you who knows him, so you'll have the best feel for how things may go.
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
I know you're getting alot of mixed feedback, some people are saying he's a jerk, insensitive,and some are saying "good thing he's being honest"... But I like the quote above here the best. No one knows him better than you, we can only go off of what you told us. But in my opinion, let's be real for a second, we have to understand that physical attraction matters...it's not everything, but it still matters. If he went up 4 or 5 pant sizes and became jiggly and unmotivated and didn't try much, you probably wouldn't "fancy" him much either. I'm sure he loves you, but understand that men are visually stimulated creatures and women tend to be more emotionally stimulated. If you're body is changing and you can help it by picking a better dinner or fitting in 10-20 mins of exercise a day (no matter how busy you are, you have at least 10 mins to spare to get your heart rate up and burn calories) then do it. Do it for youself first and also because you want to for him. And it should be the same on his end, he should be healthy for himself and for you too. It's hard to be around someone who's unmotivated all the time, and that's where his frustration is coming from. Maybe for the sake of your relationship try a little harder to work on becoming motivated again. But you know him best, if he's being an *kitten*, then that's a different story. But it could be his frustration coming out due to all the changes and you sort of just "giving up"....I'd be frustrated too.
But anyways, good luck! And please be encouraged
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Jesus whats he going to say to you after you've had four kids and your belly looks like an old womans *kitten* ????
Loving someone is more than just physical...especially as your just a size 12 !!!0 -
Probably cold but It sounds like it's already over to me. But it has more to do with insecurities and being able to feel comfortable with the one you're with rather than the actual weight.
Red flag to me.
^^ agree^^
It's one thing to be disappointed with how one's partner's appearance may have changed, it's another to actually say it to them. It's cold hearted and mean. It's not like you'd gained 100 pounds, 20lbs??!!! You've got to be f-ing kidding me. This means that for the rest of your life you're going to be obsessing over any weight fluxuation you ever have, forever wondering where the tipping point is when he 'doesn't fancy you anymore' It's not the fact that he doesn't like the way you look.... looks matter, but they aren't the only thing that matters, and frankly anyone that would be ok with hurting your feelings that harshly over 20lbs has no compassion. Giant red flag.0 -
If he is truly being honest by saying he doesn't fancy you anymore then it's time for him to leave. A marriage with someone who doesn't fancy you, regardless of the reason, is misery beyond belief.
If he is still having sex with you then he's a liar and saying he doesn't fancy you is just being cruel. I wouldn't fancy a cruel liar.0 -
Can people stop praising this kind of "honesty" ? Being honest is only difficult/some kind of accomplishment if you care at all how the receiving person feels about it, and he clearly didn't, because if he did then he wouldn't have pressured her and told her in these ways.0
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Love has nothing to do with physical appearance. Lust is what everybody's talking about that is supporting what he said to you. When you love somebody and there is a problem like this there are ways of talking about it without hurting the person you supposedly love. You don't hurt the people you love and if you can't understand this then you don't know what real love is. You may think you do but.... As the years pass our bodies change. Some of us put on extra weight or maybe something dreadful happens to you or maybe even medical issues but when you truly love someone none of this will matter. I wish you nothing but the best but I think maybe there are more issues going on here than just your weight and I would do some heavy thinking if I were you.0
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I think if you really want to have any hope of a healthy relationship... it's time to consider some counseling as a couple and also as individuals. I say this with sincere honesty and your best interests in mind. It really can help...
On another note, I often find that it is true that others only say things that reflect what we feel about ourselves inside. You admit you are no longer happy with yourself, and his words seem to support that finding. You must find your self love again.
It is the one thing that will support you, no matter what.
Hon, I've been through it all. normal, starved, bullied, fat, thin, pregnant.. and I still haven't figured it all out. In my case, I'm lucky enough to have a man in my life who loves me unconditionally... but as for everything else, it's always a work in progress. I do know, however, that finding inner peace with yourself is the start of healing. If this relationship is worth as much as I perceive it is to you both-- you will want to work on communication and support. Counseling is the way to do that, it lets everyone air whatever has been on their mind and really begin to listen to one another-- and to open the means to communication and rebuilding the relationship in a healthy way, as well as each individuals relationship with themselves. I wish you luck.. i really do.0 -
this kind of person makes a terrible parent.But - she weighed as much as she did now when they met, so - arguably how did he "fancy her" to begin with, if he only truly appreciated her body after she'd lost 20 lbs, partly by starving herself? Is that more about the appearance, or more about the fact that she was "obeying" the regimen and behavior he expects of her?0 -
Agree 100% with this. Who cares he fancy you or not, its your body and if you are comfortable that is all it matters. but I suspect you are not comfortable with your current body, so I will emphasis on that and try to be healthy for myself rather then Just because" does not Fancy you" this is not the way you tell your partner even if it is true, this could be damaging.I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.0 -
Ha! And sleeping with his best friend would make her less shallow? Puh-lease.First you're hot. Second pack his crap up and leave it on the lawn. (If you want to be real spiteful, sleep with his best friend). Then find a guy that will like you for you and not just the aesthetics. Sounds like this guy is shallow and it's making you eat unhealthy, don't skip meals, just eat healthier foods. Good luck.0 -
If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?
YUP0 -
I think he's using this as an excuse so he can cheat. Whatever you decide just watch him. I have a feeling he isn't trustworthy.0
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A size 12 is not big or fat! And that was a mean thing for him to say! It sounds like your having a rough time and your fiances not helping - not cool! He should be more supportive towards you.. :flowerforyou: I hope things get better for you0
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It can be. I'm a size 12 and I look like a whale. I'm not very toned though, so that doesn't help.A size 12 is not big or fat!0 -
The best "advice" I could possibly offer you is to find a way to talk to him. Maybe explain to him that just because exercise is HIS "thing," it doesn't HAVE to be yours. Of course, sharing something like exercise which can obviously be beneficial to the BOTH of you is wonderful. Still, he should be mroe compassionate and understanding about the OTHER aspects of your life that have you in this "slump." Perhaps tell him, if you feel the space is one of comfort for you to do so, that the "bullying" approach isn't helping. If he indeed still "loves" you, there are other ways to express his sentiment so that you feel where he is coming from, but not like his child. Maybe this different approach will motivate you to move even after your 7-7 days. Blessings to you. If it is meant to do so, I sincerely hope and pray it works out. :happy:0
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I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
^^^^^^
this
read it
feel it
own it
TOO many relationships are about power and control. I am sorry you are not comfortable in your own skin. But that is your issue to deal with. It is your life your body your choices.
Yeah when i was heavier I am sure my hubby found me less attractive. I know i FELT less attractive. <shrug> If he had said something like that to me it would have hurt me and made me feel even LESS attractive. But in the end; when I had enough of feeling like - that I decided to take control of MY health and MY body and do something about it.
You got this girl. YOU are fine.0 -
How many hours do you think most professionals work in a day? Doctors, lawyers, fund managers, investment bankers, etc. for the most part consider 12 hour days the base line. It's about scheduling your days and priorities. If the OP and her fiance are not compatible, so be it, but I know plenty of people with demanding jobs that manage to stay in great shape. It's simply a matter of whether you want it or not. Yes, you can always say "it's too hard" but that is almost always an excuse. She has time to sit in front of the TV, right? Then she has time to go for a walk. She'll sleep better, have time to talk through relationship problems with her fiance (rather than whining on the internetz), and look and feel better for it. But, by all means, just continue to pat her on the back and say it's okay.
Most people in those professions don't have children to tend to. Psh, my doctor works less hours than I do. They open at 9am and close at 3pm. If you are working 12 plus hour days and add in 30-1 hour commute, I'm asking where do you have the time to take time out for yourself and your children? Do you just say hi to your kids, tuck them in and then go spend 2 hours at the gym? You are missing the point.
I've been working 12 hour days. It sucks. I wake up at 6am, get ready, get my daughter ready, get out the house by 7:30, get to work before 8am, work until 8pm, get home by 8:30pm, go over what my daughter did at school, check homework, do story time, tuck in. It's now after 9pm. Then I make dinner for myself which takes until about 10pmish. By the time I'm done eating dinner (because I don't eat microwave stuff I can bring to work and I hate eating at my desk) it's 10:30ish. I have time to look over mail, do light house work, and then look at the alarm clock to see how many hours of sleep I can get before the alarm goes off again at 6. Now I do 30-45 minutes of Zumba on the Kinect because with this new temp schedule until my position is filled so I can go to my new dept, I haven't had time to drive to the gym before they close. I could go after work, but I'd rather see my kid than go to the gym after work.
For you to just brush it off like it's so easy peasy to do 12+ hour days and still have time for family is a joke. I only have to do 12 hour days for the next 3 weeks and I can't wait to be back down to my normal 7.5 hours.
But I hope you enjoy your perfect life.
My hubby is in the military, he leaves here at 4:30 every morn and do's not come home til 5 ish every night, he do's not work out but he still has time to spend with us, most of the people on this base have the same hrs and still work out and have time for family. We have a nieghbore that leaves with my hubby go's to the gym for about 5:30 and plays squash as his workout and comes home with my hubby, the other guy that travels with them go's to the gym every morn as well, go's to work and comes home, there are times when they don't get in the door til about 5:30 or 6 and this is mon to fri hell sometimes they are on duty for 24 hrs and still find time to workout.
so yes a 12 hr day can and do's work for a lot of people, and the reason why my hubby leaves so early is so the other two can go to the gym and still be home for dinner.0 -
Haven't read past page one, but unless you are convinced you can go the rest of your life never fluctuating in weight, tell him that you can almost guarantee that your weight will change throughout your life and ask him how that will affect your relationship from his end. Put the responsibility back on him for whether or not he can sustain a relationship with you through varying weights and appearances. Ask him how he will manage a relationship as you age and your appearance changes. If he can't manage this, accept that and make your decision with that in mind. But if he is someone who needs that physical attraction to manage a relationship, make him own that now before you get into something official. Best of luck to you.0
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If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.
Isn't that a bit selfish, especially as they're both still young and not even married?
If YOU choose not to have kids, surely YOU get sterilised, and if HE chooses not to have kids, HE gets sterilised.
It kind of takes two to make that choice in a committed relationship. If both in agreement, it's usually less expensive, less risky, less invasive, with a shorter recovery period for the man to get sterilized.0 -
sounds like my life0
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