My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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Don't marry him. Move closer to your job. 3 hours each way?0
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The way I interpreted her post was this: Yes, he was an insensitive *kitten* for the way he expressed himself.
It doesn't sound so much that he doesn't fancy her because she gained the weight back but because she has changed by falling back into old, unhealty habits because of her stressful life. Perhaps they really just need better communications.0 -
My husband said the exact same stuff (I still love you, you're still pretty just not hot, etc.) I took it hard and started starving myself, then I realized what I was doing was the wrong way to handle it and went to a nutritionist and psychologist, both have helped me very much! Now he's the one gaining weight, and I can tell he's self conscious about it. I'm trying to show him ways he can lose his weight in healthy ways without being mean or over critical.. but I will admit here that I'm not finding him that visually attractive as of late. I think that's more my fear of his future weight getting in the way of how he really looks.. I fear he will look like his father (300+lbs) if he keeps going this way.
Anyways I just wanted to say yes it was rude the way he said that to you, but deep down he is probably fearing for your health and hoping to get your attention turned onto going to a healthy lifestyle. Also, if your job makes you THAT unhappy perhaps it's time to find one more suitable?0 -
So Tuesday, when I was half way through my Kebab my other half feels fit to remind me of my "down-ward spiral" (he keeps dropping this phrase in) and then states QUOTE "I don’t fancy you anymore..."
If he's saying this kind of stuff, you need to have an honest talk with him. But before that, decide the answer to these three questions.
1) Are you comfortable enough in your routine that you do not wish to be bullied into changing right now?
2) Do you truly want to spend the rest of your life with him despite this recent conflict?
3) Is your desire to lose weight for him, or for you?
I have been in an engagement that fell apart, and it was awful for both of us to go through. Luckily we have remained friends, but the way the relationship dissolved and eventually ended was an emotional process, to state it lightly. Don't go down that road unless you're sure there's no turning back.
However, if you're going to make yourself healthier don't just do it for him, or to make him happy, or even to make him "fancy" you. If he truly loves you, he will love you the way you are and be more supportive than this.
My boyfriend of 6 months has recently gained about 10 pounds since we moved in together, but does that make me find him less attractive? Hardly. Do I worry about his health? A little, but I have no room whatsoever to talk. Do I get a bit miffed when he doesn't want to exercise or eat healthy like I do? Sometimes, but at least he eats what I cook and likes going to parks, even if he doesn't want to stay long. But I'm losing weight because *I* want to, and I'm not going to bully him into being like me. If he wants to, great. If not, I will still love him.
Tl;dr Love shouldn't fade based on a little weight gain or a lack of will to exercise. If your fiancee refuses to see it that way, then perhaps this isn't meant to be. Best of luck to you.
This is very very good advice.0 -
Regardless of what everyone is saying;
“What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” ~ Seneca
If you're happy continue what you are doing and if you aren't, well only you can make the change but do it for you, and no one else!
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Darlin', in the dozen or so pages prior to mine I am sure someone has said this more eloquently than I will....However, blunt is my specialty:
Take your love of running and RUN OUT THE DOOR. He is NOT going to be the man you need and if it's all over your weight the *kitten* should be thrown off a cliff.
No one who truly loves the person you are, the true you, would treat you this way.
And hock the ring to pay for the new living situation.0 -
I think it's nice that he tells you his honest opinion, but at the same time. If he doesn't "fancy you" because of some poor diet choices what will life be like when serious crap in life hits you guys???? If he can't deal with something like that it would make me question how he would handle other issues that come up. I think it is your life and you have to decide what is best for you and him, but I would give it some thought. What happens if you have kids and don't lose the weight fast enough, or gain to much, or hell even more serious stuff in life that may happen. Just my thoughts.
I respect him for speaking his mind, but just seems slightly petty. Maybe he thinks its a way to get you back in gear and heading in the right path. Manipulation at its best! Sorry you are having to go through that. 0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?
might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?
you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?
There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.
"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.
That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.
Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.
A 12 hour work day is not laughable. Don't be a douche.0 -
The bottom line is NOT what HE thinks. If you we're comfortable you wouldn't care. Its what YOU feel. I hear you saying you feel guilty and self conscious but make excuses for eating poorly. Don't blame him for saying what YOU'RE feeling yourself. He may be really concerned or a stupid jerk- I don't know... you have to fancy yourself before you can expect someone else to. Good luck!0
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He sounds very shallow, my husband has never said that to me in all the time we've been together and there's a 92lb weight difference for me. He's always loved me for me and we've never not been sexually attracted to each other. Maybe you need to find someone who's not such a jerk? :flowerforyou:0
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If he's this superficial about 20 lbs- what he going to do when you age? When your face is wrinkly and you have liver spots and your breasts deflate little by little over the years? when you become sick or ill and your hair fades to Gray or white or some mixture in between? When your eyes become rheumy? It happens to all of us and it's called aging. If he's not in for the 20lbs hes not in for the rest of it. That doesnt sound like a marriage Id like to put myself into. Sounds pretty stressful.
Also- Next time he says something about those 20 lbs and not fancying you because of it- I would throw something about that Dangerously Receding hairline of his. His no Don Jaun lol. (If he is the one in the picture with you on your profile.)0 -
I am so sorry you are going through this but be glad it is now and before you marry and have kids. I had a very similar situation that ultimately ended in divorce after having two kids. He my "love" you in his way but it obviously is not the "no matter what, no matter what you look like, the beautiful person you are regardless" type of love. He wants a trophy and feels insulted if he doesn't get his perfect image.
BTW - do this for you and not him. I would feel blessed to be a size 12 but each body type is different. You need to have your reasons for being on your journey and not his reasons and it certainly isn't his journey. Good luck and I wish you the absolute best0 -
I know I already commented on your post, but I just read this and think it's worth sharing. Pay particular attention to the last sentence.
This should warm your soul on a cold day...TRUE LOVE ..(A Doctor's note) Must Read n share
It was approximately 8.30 a.m. on a busy morning when an elderly gentleman in his eighties arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9.00 a.m.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat. I knew it would take more than an hour before someone would to able to attend to him. I saw him check his watch anxi...ously for the time and decided to evaluate his wound since I was not busy with another patient.
On examination, the wound was well healed. Hence, I talked to one of the doctors to get the supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
We began to engage in a conversation while I was taking care of his wound. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment later as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no and said that he needed to go to the nursing home to have breakfast with his wife.
I inquired about her health. He told me that she had been in the nursing home for a while as she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. I probed further and asked if she would be upset if he was slightly late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was and she had not been able to recognize him since five years ago.
I asked him in surprise, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back my tears as he left.
I had goose bumps on my arm, and I thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
Absolutely! I wouldn't settle for anything less. Better to remain single.0 -
I am sorry that your fiance is a jerk. I am sure he was a lot of good qualities, but I am not sure how they outshine this particular negative.0
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It may be blunt, but he didn't tell you something you haven't told yourself. You are not ok with how you look and feel, so what are you gonna do about that?
I guess I'm a terrible person too because when my husband put on 20lbs I also told him to do something about it. He's 13 years older then me, lost most of his hair and what is left has turned grey. He is not by any means athletic and he has a wrinkly face. All things that come with age and I couldn't love him any less for it.
But something you can do is take care of yourself. He got into the habit of no exercise, watching tv as much as possible and eating mostly crap... all evening long. And yes, when his belly grew to the extend of an 8 months pregnant woman I told him it's unhealthy and unattractive. If you can't be honest with your spous, who can you be honest to?
Like I said, I'm a terrible person....
I agree with this. It is really hard to hear the truth - sometimes the truth can really hurt our feelings. However, if he can't tell you the truth then who can? My husband recently said something to me that I thought was horrific. I have added 100 lbs to my body since meeting him 15 years ago. Why wouldn't he be angry about that? Guess what I did when he said something mean and insensitive - I went and walked on the treadmill and then I've been eating correctly and exercising every day since. It's not much but I've lost 6 lbs since then. I can continue to mad at him or I can be happy that he got my *kitten* off the couch.
My husband explains it like this (by the way, a man that hasn't gained a pound in 15 years) - "I just want you to be healthy. It frustrates me when you don't exercise and when you eat crap. It'd be one thing if you were overweight but doing everything you could to fix it, but you're not even trying and that is what makes me mad."
Ultimately, you need to do this for yourself. But ask yourself - who are you really upset with - him for feeling that way or yourself for letting go?0 -
He's an abuser.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.0 -
my husband gained some lbs - don't know how many and it never mattered to me... until he got to the point of needing new shirts because of the buttons that were pulling a bit over his belly. LOL My only comment was "Gotta have you hit the gym or buy you some new shirts." I never cared which option he chose; it was for HIM to decide, not me. I think it needs to be explained to him that his attitude is not helping the stress in life that triggers your bad choices. Depending on how he responds will dictate your actions. Marriage is about for better or worse - to quote Marilyn Monroe, if he can't handle you at your worst he doesn't deserve you at your best.0
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You two need a sit down and talk. You both need to discuss how each other feels and see how your cards land. Relationships are hard and the best thing you could do for each other is communicate especially if you have already planned for a future together. The last thing you need to do is just pack your bags and RUN OUT THE DOOR. You need to talk about how each of you feel about the other and how to get your once happy little life back on track. 0
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So . . . what happened? Did you guys talk more?0
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It's obvious his words hurt your feelings. You should talk to him about that, and instead of focusing on what HE said or what HE does, focus on what you're feeling and why. Be rational, calm, and collected. You got hurt. It hurts to hear that your poor choices because you aren't dealing with your stress and unhappiness well are affecting your relationship, and it absolutely is. Regardless of whether what he said makes him shallow or not (I think that's not super obvious from the data given), his feelings are also valid. He's expressing concern that you are making poor life choices and not dealing with your stress properly. It's being reflected in your body. You're gaining weight, likely becoming less healthy in the process. Physical appearance aside, it's fair to express concern about that.
(Though if you want to deduct fiance points for him making a poorly constructed and POSSIBLY shallow remark, I think that's fair.)
Get to the source of the problem. There are at least two here: 1) Unpleasant employment and 2) dealing with stress poorly. Both can be addressed, and it's up to you to figure out how, before it affects your life even more direly.
There may even be more to it. Maybe you don't like his fitness regimen and need one of your own, separate from his. Maybe you don't like running (I don't, and wouldn't run with my beau even if he magically took it up tomorrow). Maybe you could stand to find a class or a different activity that works better for you and is easier to motivate yourself to do even when times are tough.
Either way, good luck to ya 0 -
"I don’t fancy you anymore..."
I stopped reading as soon as I read that.. DROP HIS *kitten*!!!0 -
I would try and understand his point if we had only been together for a 1 year or less. But 5 years together and he knows the pressure you're under?! PLEASE! I hate being kicked when I'm already down or struggling. When the going gets tough he's going to get tougher? No thanks. Instead of texting you and saying he's got dinner and a foot rub waiting he has criticism. No thanks.
What if you have twins or get in an accident then what? More tough love? And no it is not different because after five years lack of empathy and support is just what it is. No sugarcoating. He wants you a certain way regardless of what's going on in your life and that's selfish. He can't wait until the pressure is off to see what you'll do? No! He can't chance you getting bigger. SELFISH!
Bottom line you're the hot chick. You've got plenty of options if you want them. I would be out of there like Speedy Gonzales and NEVER look back. HIS LOST!
In the words of Maya Angelo, "if you are lucky enough for someone to show you who they are........believe them."0 -
Darlin', in the dozen or so pages prior to mine I am sure someone has said this more eloquently than I will....However, blunt is my specialty:
Take your love of running and RUN OUT THE DOOR. He is NOT going to be the man you need and if it's all over your weight the *kitten* should be thrown off a cliff.
No one who truly loves the person you are, the true you, would treat you this way.
And hock the ring to pay for the new living situation.
This, although blunt is SPOT ON.
You should not be even thinking about dating, let alone marrying a guy who does not love you for all of who you are. I can sense that your self confidence is in shatters, but you do not need to lose the weight to keep him, nor do you need to starve yourself and become obsessive to make yourself happy. You need to seriously consider finishing this relationship and work on the relationship with yourself and your health.
Do this for you, you deserve it!0 -
Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...
So you think he should accept her slipping back into a life of being unfit and inactive??? Shoot the guy for trying to improve her quality of life lol I will say though it sounds like the OP has an unhealthy relationship with food. Skipping meals to stay skinny then over eating to be happy, both are equally bad.
If he doesn't want to accept it, he should either leave or tell he in a tactical way, not make it all about her weight. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly in the post you're replying to but loke I said before, I do understand it if he would say he misses being active with her. Truthfully I would be upset if my boyfriend would suddenly change his lifestyle around and get unhealthy. But I would make sure to let him know I'm concerned about his health and not be so insensitive and say "I don't fancy you anymore." That's just plain rude and I would not want to be with or like someone like that.
Of course you would word it better. Women in general are MUCH better when it comes to considering others feelings and emotions. "I don't fancy you" is probably the nicest simplest way his man brain could come up with. Of course it was a horrible thing to say but you have to look at the meaning behind the words. If people broke up every time someone miss spoke or said something a little insensitive then everyone would be divorced and single. Oh wait that is what everyone does smh....
lol, truth right there.
No, but seriously, though. I understand where you are coming from, absolutely. Everyone says things that aren't very thought-through (men in particular are great at this!) but a simple "I didn't mean it that way, but... (add explanation here)" when you notice that you've hurt the person should follow.
I am not against speaking your mind, but a little sensitivty would be nice. Especially if he knows that she already isn't feeling too great doing what she is doing...0 -
Maybe its been said, but to the posters picking up on her saying she is 'lazy', did you stop to think she is putting HIS views on herself? Hard to be really be lazy when you are putting in long hours. If you tell a child he is stupid enough, he beleives it, same with a battered SO. They begin to believe what they are repeatedly told.
OP, take care of you, for you! You want the relationship, work it, honestly and openly, but bc you want it, not bc you think you need it. And Make sure you are not the onlymone making concessions in your relationship.
Every relationship, like evry individual, has its ups and downs, it how you handle the downs that determines your character while you are up.0 -
I have to say that before you jump into a marriage you should determine if the love you have for each other is unconditional - if it's not (and it doesn't seem that it is) how long is this "marriage" going to last. When you marry you should be with a partner who will support you through thick and thin. What if (god-forbid) you were to get into an accident and become disabled? Is THIS the man who is going to be by your side, hold your hand when you need him?
My husband and I have both gained some weight in the past couple of years. Do I love him less? Absolutely not. Is he trying as hard as I am to get back in shape? Hell no. He has recently decided he needed to start walking to get back in shape so I join him to encourage him and show I support him - regardless of the fact that I have already done an hour at the gym. Do I nag him into walking or question his food choices? Um No. I am his wife and partner not his body monitor. We all know that weight loss only works if you are doing it for yourself. Trying to accomplish it to please him is only going to drive you further into a depression.
That said I totally get the stress. My husband was injured last year and not working. So I have become the sole provider for the household working 10-14 hours a day. I have two small children and a house to run. I have stress and lots of it. I have come to a point where I tell him what I need from him to help reduce my stress. I go to the gym during lunch because it is the only time I have, like you I often don't sit down until 9pm and if I workout that late I will not sleep. I will tell you this though - the exercise is so good for stress. When I am on that ellipical I focus all my stress and worry on that machine and watch the calories BURN!0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?
might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?
you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?
There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.
"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.
That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.
Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.
A 12 hour work day is not laughable. Don't be a douche.
Don't be lazy. People use their jobs as an excuse all the time on here to sit on the couch and eat too much. The fact that you can't see that this is what she's doing says more about you than her. I have an awesome spouse and we push each other. Both of us have worked far more hours than this and still managed to have kids and a social life that involved exercise. Sitting in front of the TV is neither good for the OP's health or her relationship. What's wrong with a walk with her fiance? Oh yea, she's too tired from all that sitting at work . . .0 -
Get out FAST! You don't have kids with him yet, I'm assuming? Even easier to cut ties. He will only continue to berate you and bring you down. You deserve better! RUN!0
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big red flag...0
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Having seen all the replies, in all seriousness, what is a guy supposed to do in this situation?
If he genuinely finds his partner unattractive due to weight gain?
A relationship is a 2 way thing, why is it OK for him to be unhappy, but not OK for his partner to be unhappy if he tells her truly how he feels?
I have a feeling that in most peoples minds he can't win, he will be called a jerk whether he lies or tells the truth.
I still don't know the answer, but every story has 2 sides, and is never usually as simple as it initially appears.
Honestly, if he really and truly doesn't fancy her anymore simply because of a change in her size, he shouldn't be marrying her. You shouldn't marry someone if you're only ever going to find them attractive at one size. Life happens and a lot of stuff happens in life. We get old, sometimes we gain weight, sometimes we get sick, sometimes babies wreck our bodies. Some of that is fixable, but some of it is not. If he truly does not fancy her at that weight (and isn't trying to use "tough love" as motivation) then he should think about whether he really and truly can see spending the rest of his life with her.
To the OP, I'm not saying you shouldn't marry him or he shouldn't marry you. A lot more could be underneath that (extremely tactless and insensitive) statement.
It could be that he sees that you're not happy and was trying to "tough love" motivate you.
It could be that he is a controlling freak.
It could be that he's feeling distant from you because you're working so hard and it sounds like you guys don't do the same kinds of stuff together any more (running). If you're not sharing one of his big passions in exercise, and you did before, it could be just that he's not feeling as much connection from lack of bonding time and maybe you need to find a new way to connect.
There's no way any of us Internet people are going to be able to determine which it was. Only you can do that by talking to him (potentially with counselling).
GOOD LUCK!0
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