My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

sarahertzberger

it is completely pathetic for a man who supposedly loves a woman to ever say that to her my husband would NEVER say anything like that to me and I'm a lot more overweight than you are it makes me so mad when people do that, if he truly loves you I don't see how he could ever say that to you he should be motivating trying to bring you up, not pull you down and I'm sorry you had to deal with him treating you so horribly that's emotional abuse

Boobarella2

seriously....no one has heard of the crazy hot scale?



Not trying to make a joke here, but I think its true. Some people are willing to put up with things as long as their SO is still attractive to them. So as some other posters have said, maybe there are some other underlying issues that he has been willing to look past and not discuss with you because you were very attractive to him and it wasnt worth it. Now as it seems you have fallen out of favor with him not only in appearance (but hes lost a workout buddy and real life MFP eating partner) and possibly he is no longer able to accept things about you that he was willing to previously ignore???

It really is a conversation the two of you should have, because it sounds like there are other issues thats been bothering him and this is the proverbial straw. If not, I see no reason why he wouldnt be supportive of you both with the stress of your crappy job and trying to better yourself through further education.

Also this

Zekela

I think there are better ways of helping you out than bullying. I don't think you or fat or flabby, you look gorgeous and that's the first realization you need in order to make a difference. Next, try and find an activity you enjoy (you may not like running and that's probably why you find excuses not to do it). Working out will make you feel better about yourself and feeling better about yourself could help you stop eating because of depression. Finally, please don't starve yourself since this could lead to depression and an unhealthy relationship with food. Good luck!

spirytwynd

I wrote out a long reply and halfway through decided I was saying too much. A lot of folks have given you advice in the few hours since you posted.

I suggest you take a little time to figure out where you are and where you want to go, then figure out how to get there. While you may not be eagerly anticipating your fiance's return tonight, you have a bit of time to think things through. You have the chance to communicate with him and figure out what the two of you want to do. You also have the chance to look at your life and decide if you want to change things there too - work, school, exercise, etc. And some changes takes time, some things have to be worked toward, they are not instantaneously in effect.

What do you want? Really, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? What are you willing to accept and put up with? Maybe you have had some setbacks - you can do something about that and overcome them. Every day can be a new beginning. And remember, to not make a decision is to still have made a choice.

Good luck tonight, tomorrow and all the days after that. I hope your story has a happy ending, whatever ending that may be.

Lank

jackpotclown

Doesn't sound like a real relationship to me.....think about what you have here....he's happy if you're in on his routine....so if something else comes up...is he going to resent you for that too??? I mean how dare you become injured, sick, pregnant or something silly like that....you might actually have to rest up a bit.....either way, it's evident that he lacks understanding when it comes to your situation....and you're better off ending it before it gets worse. If you truly love someone, you love everything about them.. just like a pie....you've got to love the crust of a person too \m/

JenniBaby85

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? "

Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?

I do agree with this in part, but when it comes to long term relationships there is a LOT more to it. People will change. Injuries, and illnesses can and do happen, in which case would he expect her to go for a run after breaking her leg? And if she didn't, would it be acceptable in your eyes that he is not attracted to her? And what if they did have kids? She wouldn't be ABLE to do those things for some time. After I had my two I was told to limit my activity for 6 weeks and not just from making love. 5 month after I had my first child, I had to have my gallbladder removed and was not allowed to do anything strenuous until I got the doctor's "O.K." and if my husband had said he wasn't attracted to me because I was following doctors orders, I'd be out of there. Sorry, but change is unavoidable, I am not the same person my husband married. I am 118lbs THINNER. I am more confident, I hardly resemble what and who I was back then, and through it all my husband has been right there by my side supporting me all the way.

On the other hand I see the point here, and he probably feels like you don't care for him like you used to, even though it's not true. He is looking at the long term now, whereas he was looking at the short term when you started dating. And yes, he should have been MUCH more sensitive about it.

skinnyforcruise2013

I've been dating my bf for over a yr. When we met we were both heavier...but he's gained a bit back and I'm still as attracted to him as I was on day one.

If weight is an issue with him not "fancying" you anymore, then he doesn't really love you. GET OUT NOW!

I'd still fancy my man if he gained 50lbs...the only reason I want him to keep it off is to keep him healthy. And the same goes for me.

ozonenrhia1

Ok, here is what I have for you. If he cannot support you, build you up, make you feel beautiful, not degrade you he is not for you. No matter what size you are every woman and man deserves to have that one person that no matter what loves you for you. My man has seen me little and has seen me bigger and loves me no less than the first day he saw me. He tells me I am beautiful everyday, he supports my efforts to get in shape. He is my rock no matter what.. YOU DESERVE THAT TOO!!!!

MissTattoo

My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...

i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?

might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?

you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?

There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.

"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.

That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.

runwmeNC

It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.

This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.

fitfreakymom

I think people need to stop focussing on the weight gain and thinking this guy is an *kitten* and start focusing on how the weight gain has changed her as a person and has made her depressed, unmotivated and in her words ( lazy) most active people with a healthy mind are not going to be attracted to someone who feels and acts the way that she is right now. Maby the weight gain is not an issue for him maby what he is finding unattractive is her personality change and her and who she turning into as a person mentally and emotionally.

alwayskungfu

From cruel and foolish words hurt and resentment do grow.

cbteegardin

I have been married to my wife 20 years. She has gained 25 lbs in those years and does not have the svelt figure she once had. I still love her and find her very attractive. I am on a journey of improving my own health. I am down 37 lbs since August of 2012, am walking/jogginf 40 miles a week, am lifting weights twice a week, and am eating a much better choice of foods. My wife is not one who has been enthusiastic with diet and exercise, but she is now asking to join me on walks 3-4 times a week. I enjoy the company and look forward to it as some quality time together and really like having her with me.
Her participation is HER CHOICE. I will ask if she cares to join me and, if not, that is okay. I certainly miss her company on those walks, but I don't express disappointment (I have to give up a jog for a walk often times, but that is a price I am happy to pay to have her with me).
You have painted a pretty disheartening picture of your relationship and I am unsure if that was your intent. Your man could be perceived in many different ways: does he always use your own self image, self esteen, self confidence, and self worth against you like a scapel to shape you into what he wants? Does he control you by knocking you down? Does he make you feel he is too good for you? ... or, do you have some underlying health issues associated with your weight (hypertension/diabetes)? Does he look forward to those runs as some quality time you two spend together and he is missing out? Is he always so open to tell you anything he thinks, regardless of if the consequence? ... or Does he have his own self confidence and self worth issues (overly critical of his own physique, job issues, etc.)? Does he consistently tear you down to lift himself up? ... or Does he treat you as his equal in everything? ... or given your depression/frustrations/stressors from work, is he more turned off by that person and you are translating it to be the weight? ... or IS HE LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT?
You know what kind of relationship you have better than any of us can know. I would suggest taking the time while he is gone to honestly examine how he consistenly treats you. If there are more negatives than positives and you accept that will not change (it NEVER will), as painful as it is, maybe it is the time to cut bait. If the good far outweighs the bad, maybe you should plod onward. If he is an overall good guy, you need to examine changes in yourself - changes other than weight gain - that have effected him. People don't normally find depressed folks attractive.

good luck,

Chris

Vegetarian54

What you do is up to you of course, but if it were me...I'd be gone. Anyone who is that shallow, isn't worth having and will leave you for any reason. It's just a matter of time. What do you think would happen if you developed a serious illness, or had a serious injury that left you disabled? If he doesn't fancy you for gaining 20 pounds, I guarantee his requirements for a wife are very stringent and you would find yourself worrying and wondering for the rest of your days, how to keep him from leaving. Love yourself as you are & find someone else who loves & respects you that way too. Don't settle for someone who wants to love you only when you fit their required guidelines. That's not love.

iAMsmiling

Imagine how disappointed he'll be in you when you don't lose the baby weight fast enough.

SDkitty

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? "

Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?

I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.

This, exactly this. She changed herself to fit into his image of what his girlfriend should be like. She was never off the scales and skipping meals - that is neither healthy nor normal. She's having a really stressful time with work and needs the support of the man she loves, not guilt-trips (his "downward spiral" comment which she says he says often) and "I don't fancy you anymore".

She's not sitting on the sofa guzzling **** food and saying "I'm fine, everything's normal" - she knows she's let her eating and exercise slide because of the stress in her life. Her fiance's ****ty attitude towards her diet and exercise won't be helping her in any way at all.

I'm not one of those people who think criticism should always be fluffy hugs and spitting rainbows - sometimes I need to hear it straight - , but if my fiancé ever said anything like "I don't fancy you anymore" the relationship would be over. I have enough self-respect to know that, and hopefully the OP does too.

This excuse of a man doesn't respect her, doesn't support her, doesn't love her - not in the real, enduring, "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" sense of the word. IMHO to him a girlfriend is an object, a trophy, something pretty to hang on his arm, something to be seen with that reflects well on him. Run for the hills, OP. Run fast.

I think somewhere along the way the idea of for better or for worse has got lost in translation...I do not agree with his approach at all, when my ex said things like that a few years ago it did nothing but make my eating disorder worse and I eventually stopped eating altogether. BUT the fact remains that besides the weight gain, I too do not think that is the root of the problem, she has changed a lot in their relationship, and although it sounds like she changed for him in the first place, she chose to change for him. She adapted to a certain lifestyle because she was in love. So that is what he expects. I'm not saying that he should not love her but I think it is understandable that a person (man OR woman) would be frustrated when the nature of relationship drifts into some other territory.

To the OP, I would think long and hard about your intentions before you do anything. You've had a really hard time lately and you resorted to a destructive path of "feel better" instead of working out. Do you resent the change in lifestyle? If not, then you are most likely very depressed. I understand, I've been there. You mentioned a few times that he "knows you're having a rough time" but have you ever actually sat down with him and talked about it or is your lack of energy the elephant in the room?
Think all of this over, figure out how much you love him, figure out if you are willing to do the work to have that lifestyle again and sit him down and TALK. Let him know how hurtful his words were. Let him know that you aren't happy right now, how you're feeling when you don't have a brave face on at work. Ask him to work with you and motivate you in a positive way. If he still acts like a *#%! then walk away.

:flowerforyou:

fromnebraska

Well lets be fair,

From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.

You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.

This is a good point. You need to find out who you are. I had this problem with a serious relationship one time and it didn't end nicely. Really think about if you'll be happy if you marry him. Don't let your fear of calling it off stop you. It's better to call off a wedding than be unhappily married and then divorced.

OriginalKatie

Wow that is really awful. My fiance would never say that. I feel hugely self conscious of my weight gain, but he has been nothing but supportive of my efforts to lose weight, and always reassures me that I'm beautiful no matter what.

I hope your fiance can pull his head in and not be so negative.

MissTattoo

Plus...what's he doing? Is he working? Why are you working 12 hour days and he still seems to have the time to go running and be a jerk?

BlueInkDot

I was engaged.

Our physical attaction to each other lessened.

We broke up.

Now I'm with someone who loves me no matter what weight I am.

You should not have to have a certain body in order to have someone's love. Their love should be unconditional.

When I was with my ex, I felt like I had to lose weight in order for him to love me again. My weight loss was unsuccessful.

Now I feel like I'm WORTH the effort to get healthy because my boyfriend makes me feel like I'm worth something. And I'm successful.

If your significant other makes you feel like your worth is lowered, then he is not doing his job.