My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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I think people need to stop focussing on the weight gain and thinking this guy is an *kitten* and start focusing on how the weight gain has changed her as a person and has made her depressed, unmotivated and in her words ( lazy) most active people with a healthy mind are not going to be attracted to someone who feels and acts the way that she is right now. Maby the weight gain is not an issue for him maby what he is finding unattractive is her personality change and her and who she turning into as a person mentally and emotionally.0
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From cruel and foolish words hurt and resentment do grow.0
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I have been married to my wife 20 years. She has gained 25 lbs in those years and does not have the svelt figure she once had. I still love her and find her very attractive. I am on a journey of improving my own health. I am down 37 lbs since August of 2012, am walking/jogginf 40 miles a week, am lifting weights twice a week, and am eating a much better choice of foods. My wife is not one who has been enthusiastic with diet and exercise, but she is now asking to join me on walks 3-4 times a week. I enjoy the company and look forward to it as some quality time together and really like having her with me.
Her participation is HER CHOICE. I will ask if she cares to join me and, if not, that is okay. I certainly miss her company on those walks, but I don't express disappointment (I have to give up a jog for a walk often times, but that is a price I am happy to pay to have her with me).
You have painted a pretty disheartening picture of your relationship and I am unsure if that was your intent. Your man could be perceived in many different ways: does he always use your own self image, self esteen, self confidence, and self worth against you like a scapel to shape you into what he wants? Does he control you by knocking you down? Does he make you feel he is too good for you? ... or, do you have some underlying health issues associated with your weight (hypertension/diabetes)? Does he look forward to those runs as some quality time you two spend together and he is missing out? Is he always so open to tell you anything he thinks, regardless of if the consequence? ... or Does he have his own self confidence and self worth issues (overly critical of his own physique, job issues, etc.)? Does he consistently tear you down to lift himself up? ... or Does he treat you as his equal in everything? ... or given your depression/frustrations/stressors from work, is he more turned off by that person and you are translating it to be the weight? ... or IS HE LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT?
You know what kind of relationship you have better than any of us can know. I would suggest taking the time while he is gone to honestly examine how he consistenly treats you. If there are more negatives than positives and you accept that will not change (it NEVER will), as painful as it is, maybe it is the time to cut bait. If the good far outweighs the bad, maybe you should plod onward. If he is an overall good guy, you need to examine changes in yourself - changes other than weight gain - that have effected him. People don't normally find depressed folks attractive.
good luck,
Chris0 -
What you do is up to you of course, but if it were me...I'd be gone. Anyone who is that shallow, isn't worth having and will leave you for any reason. It's just a matter of time. What do you think would happen if you developed a serious illness, or had a serious injury that left you disabled? If he doesn't fancy you for gaining 20 pounds, I guarantee his requirements for a wife are very stringent and you would find yourself worrying and wondering for the rest of your days, how to keep him from leaving. Love yourself as you are & find someone else who loves & respects you that way too. Don't settle for someone who wants to love you only when you fit their required guidelines. That's not love.0
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Imagine how disappointed he'll be in you when you don't lose the baby weight fast enough.0
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So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.
I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.
Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health?
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Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?
I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.
This, exactly this. She changed herself to fit into his image of what his girlfriend should be like. She was never off the scales and skipping meals - that is neither healthy nor normal. She's having a really stressful time with work and needs the support of the man she loves, not guilt-trips (his "downward spiral" comment which she says he says often) and "I don't fancy you anymore".
She's not sitting on the sofa guzzling **** food and saying "I'm fine, everything's normal" - she knows she's let her eating and exercise slide because of the stress in her life. Her fiance's ****ty attitude towards her diet and exercise won't be helping her in any way at all.
I'm not one of those people who think criticism should always be fluffy hugs and spitting rainbows - sometimes I need to hear it straight - , but if my fiancé ever said anything like "I don't fancy you anymore" the relationship would be over. I have enough self-respect to know that, and hopefully the OP does too.
This excuse of a man doesn't respect her, doesn't support her, doesn't love her - not in the real, enduring, "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" sense of the word. IMHO to him a girlfriend is an object, a trophy, something pretty to hang on his arm, something to be seen with that reflects well on him. Run for the hills, OP. Run fast.
I think somewhere along the way the idea of for better or for worse has got lost in translation...I do not agree with his approach at all, when my ex said things like that a few years ago it did nothing but make my eating disorder worse and I eventually stopped eating altogether. BUT the fact remains that besides the weight gain, I too do not think that is the root of the problem, she has changed a lot in their relationship, and although it sounds like she changed for him in the first place, she chose to change for him. She adapted to a certain lifestyle because she was in love. So that is what he expects. I'm not saying that he should not love her but I think it is understandable that a person (man OR woman) would be frustrated when the nature of relationship drifts into some other territory.
To the OP, I would think long and hard about your intentions before you do anything. You've had a really hard time lately and you resorted to a destructive path of "feel better" instead of working out. Do you resent the change in lifestyle? If not, then you are most likely very depressed. I understand, I've been there. You mentioned a few times that he "knows you're having a rough time" but have you ever actually sat down with him and talked about it or is your lack of energy the elephant in the room?
Think all of this over, figure out how much you love him, figure out if you are willing to do the work to have that lifestyle again and sit him down and TALK. Let him know how hurtful his words were. Let him know that you aren't happy right now, how you're feeling when you don't have a brave face on at work. Ask him to work with you and motivate you in a positive way. If he still acts like a *#%! then walk away.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Well lets be fair,
From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.
You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.
This is a good point. You need to find out who you are. I had this problem with a serious relationship one time and it didn't end nicely. Really think about if you'll be happy if you marry him. Don't let your fear of calling it off stop you. It's better to call off a wedding than be unhappily married and then divorced.0 -
Wow that is really awful. My fiance would never say that. I feel hugely self conscious of my weight gain, but he has been nothing but supportive of my efforts to lose weight, and always reassures me that I'm beautiful no matter what.
I hope your fiance can pull his head in and not be so negative.0 -
Plus...what's he doing? Is he working? Why are you working 12 hour days and he still seems to have the time to go running and be a jerk?0
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I was engaged.
Our physical attaction to each other lessened.
We broke up.
Now I'm with someone who loves me no matter what weight I am.
You should not have to have a certain body in order to have someone's love. Their love should be unconditional.
When I was with my ex, I felt like I had to lose weight in order for him to love me again. My weight loss was unsuccessful.
Now I feel like I'm WORTH the effort to get healthy because my boyfriend makes me feel like I'm worth something. And I'm successful.
If your significant other makes you feel like your worth is lowered, then he is not doing his job.0 -
I didn't read all 9 pages of responses before me, but I can only imagine you are receiving a lot of conflicting advice. Having been in your shoes before w/ a previous fiance' who dictated and bullied me into doing what HE wanted, I have to say. You, in your heart, know what the right thing is to do. It's just scary, especially after five years, to think of starting over.... His actions are making you feel less-than. No fiance', husband, boyfriend, friend, Mother....ANYONE who loves you...would ever intentionally want to make you feel less-than, and yet HE thinks it's ok. It's not. And, you have to know that if he thinks this is ok NOW, he'll do this kind've *kitten* the rest of your lives together.... If it's not the weight, it'll become something else, because it sounds as if that is just the way he is.....
You have to fancy YOURSELF, first, hon... And, if he's dragging you down, (intentionally, no less) then it might be time to think of making that first step to making yourself feel whole,....you can't do that with someone who constantly cuts you down. xoxo0 -
He sounds like a controlling bully. You claim to have been happy & confident at a size 12 when you met him, but then he seems to have manipulated you into feeling worse about yourself---so you start exercising with him & skipping meals. That's not healthy.
Now that you've been stressed & unable to go run with him as much, he's tearing you completely down & making you feel like a failure. That's not what a supportive partner does. It really shouldn't MATTER to him what your exercise routine is unless he's trying to whip you into his own selfish vision of a "perfect" woman. And from my perspective, that's what he's doing.
I would leave.0 -
He's an abuser. You need to bail. Then, get healthy, and fit, for yourself.0
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I'm confused... you gained back the 20 lbs you ORIGINALLY "had" when you first met him? Those 20lbs couldn't have bothered him too much then.... so why the big difference now? sounds like something more is at the bottom of this....0
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To be honest I would thank him for his honesty... then work on your career education and self no one needs to hear that thats not going to help you. Because if someone doesnt fancy you enough said. But this is for me. Those words would sting but i would prefer you are in a slump and you used to take far better care of yourself. I never wanna be with a man whos pretty much saying hey you arent hot so I want something better.. NEXT0
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Not much I can say, sometimes men are just *kitten*.... It is hard to juggle stressful work and school, good luck and trust your heart.
Hugs.....0 -
bump0
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It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.
This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.
What about HER needs? Why does she have to completely change who she is.....just to please him?
What has HE done to please her? A relationship shouldn't be based on what one person does to please the other...but what they BOTH do to make the other one feel special and loved. He should be her biggest fan regardless.....why should she have to fit into a certain size FIRST?
Because really...if SIZE is what truly matters....alot of men would be single and lonely.0 -
I can't GET my husband to say one negative word. I always ask him, "Don't you think I am fat?", "Can't you tell that I have gained 15 Pounds?" and he always replies, "Nope." I am the one in the bedroom saying that he does not have to do anything, I am so discusted at myself, but he says, "You turn me on babe." And he is always ready to go, and over turned on. He wants me to loose weight if that is what I want to do, and for health reasons most definately. But he never says a word about my weight even though over the past 8 years of marriage I have gone from 220 to 270pounds. I am a cow, but he married me big, and he is not phased by my weight gain. Now I am graduating with my B.A in May, and I am going to loose all of this before I start interviewing for jobs. He has just been nothing but supportive.0
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You need to find someone else. I was married too, was with him for 3 years when we got married, then things got tough, I got depressed, gained some weight back, and he left me. So I totally relate, and I can tell you it won't go anywhere. That guy is in love with an image of you that isn't the real you.
And you say you don't like jogging now... so don't do it. Find something else you like to do. Maybe find a gym with classes that could motivate you again.0 -
He sounds super, super lame. Sorry.0
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First of all you need to do this for you ok? takeing care of your health losing weight and exercise is a very Individualized and personal thing. I dont know your boyfriend but if he loves you he should be more understanding . you both need to talk to each other now not after your married. good luck. valey12340
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Well lets be fair,
From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.
You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.
THIS!!! SO MUCH OF THIS!!!!!! QFT!!!!
You decided to change who you are to fit someone else's mold. While he lacks tact, I can't really fault him because you gave him that control. Now that 'life' is happening (school, hours, exhaustion, lack of motivation) and you can no longer meet his expectations, it seems right that he'd stop fancying you.
Not sure f you are considering kids in the future but from what I gather your body can change drastically. Additionally, kids eat up your time. How will he manage with this?0 -
While I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and my opinions are based on this isolated incident that you just posted, but what I get from this is that you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't feel comfortable with.. Doesn't seem like you're gonna be happy. Also, it is not healthy to have your self esteem hanging at his every word. He is a classic control freak. You have lost your SELF being with him. If I were you I would leave. I wouldn't wanna live in fear for the rest of my life.
If you're going to stick with him, I'd suggest couples therapy asap. I don't think you'd be able to handle him just by talking things through yourselves.
Good luck babe from what I see, you deserve better0 -
It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.
This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.
What about HER needs? Why does she have to completely change who she is.....just to please him?
What has HE done to please her? A relationship shouldn't be based on what one person does to please the other...but what they BOTH do to make the other one feel special and loved. He should be her biggest fan regardless.....why should she have to fit into a certain size FIRST?
Because really...if SIZE is what truly matters....alot of men would be single and lonely.
Yes what you said is right but she's already said that she picked up HIS lifestyle when she entered this relationship. The basic dynamics are just that, she moulded herself into his lifestyle, he remained the same.
Now, she can't keep up and he's seeing someone hes never seen before.
Its her problem, moral of the story; be YOU!0 -
SO what his problem not yours. If he makes you feel like that now imagine when you are older. Lose the weight so you don't need him to make you feel better about yourself.When someone loves you a little extra weight wont matter. You are a beautiful girl dont ever let anyone make you feel differently. :glasses:0
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Not sure what you're worried about, you look perfect to me... Gorgeous too!0
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I'm sure this has been said. But honey PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT MARRY this person! I know you have 5yrs invested into the relationship and it'll be hard to break away. It'll be harder later.
Please LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to break away now. PLEASE!0 -
There is a great book out there called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think there is something deeper going on in your relationship then the weight which the book might help you with.0
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He doesn't FANCY you? that is not a way a fiance talks. Kick him to the kerb. you'll find someone better, absolutely.0
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