My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

Mswife09

I actually don't find your story boring, I think that was very insensitive of him.....he needs to love you regardless of how much you gain or lose...because people do change and if he loves you it is not only for what's on the outside but what's on the inside trust me I should know I been with husband for 10 years and I am currently at my highest weight and he does encourage me to lose weight but in a positive way...like honey lets try to have something healthier.....throughout these years we have both physically change but we know we must seen beyond that. Because if you went by looks every month or year we would have to find someone new. I use to be a size 13 when we met but 2 kids later and manic depression I am more than 50 pounds up sadly but hey I will get there but with my spouses support, which is what you need so tell him of course you need him to be firm but not offensive or mean....he can be nice about it???? Good Luck!

roachhaley

since when is a 12 (UK) heavy? it's not the smallest size on earth but it definitely DEFINITELY isnt big, jesus christ

i

action_figure

Well, I think this could be taken a number of ways, but I don't have enough data to really know. Yes, people are allowed their preferences. Yes, he was honest. But several things concern me. You've been together five years, engaged for six months. What is the nature of his attitude toward the change in your level of commitment? Was he happy to move things to the next level? Are you in the middle of planning your wedding, and actually making concrete commitments: hiring a photographer, booking a venue, etc. etc.? Is he participating? I dated a guy for five years and we considered ourselves "engaged" but I didn't have a ring, we didn't have a date or a plan, it was just kind of understood that "someday" we'd get married. On the other hand, when I met the man I'm married to now, we dated for a few months, then actively started planning. We talked to a priest, went through the required pre-nuptial counseling, etc. etc. We married about three years after we met. We're also celebrating our tenth anniversary together. In that time I went from 224 lbs to 347 lbs because of depression, stress and my deranged relationship with food as comfort. Never once did he say anything derogatory to me, and he always told me that I was beautiful. We've been through infertility treatments, a miscarriage, several health scares, and a lot of things. Now I'm losing weight he tells me that he's very proud of me and he always encourages me. I guess my concern is that you may have seen a preview of how seriously your fiance takes the whole "in sickness and in health" part of marriage.

squatsandlipgloss

If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?

Same. Regardless of how he feels about your behavior the past weeks, if he loves you so much, why would he hurt you like that? Willingly? It doesn't matter at ALL how "true" or "untrue" you feel you getting out of shape is, a person that truly loves you would find a different way to motivate you instead of choosing words to put you down. Not good, girl.. Not good.

cidalia73

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

Exactly. You're an adult, and it's your choice to eat right/exercise when you're good and ready. He's not the boss of you. His attitude will only contribute to your feelings of depression, so he needs to come up with a more supportive way to, well, support you.

dawnsjourney

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

This was my first thought as well.

TS65

I met my husband at 135. I got up to 195 which I stayed at for quite a few years. My husband still "fancy's" me - and tells me so.

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health..." I think they need to add thin or fat to those vows.

If he doesn't fancy you over a few pounds, I don't want to know how he'll feel after you have had a child or started to age or get cancer or get into an accident and are paralyzed.

Find someone who will love you for you, not based on something that can change so easily.

awetherell

You poor darling. That's not a nice thing to hear from anyone. My boyfriend suggested a few years ago that he would find me less attractive if I gained any more weight and that shocked me into making a change. It could be that he was only trying to do the same thing as he is worried about your changing lifestyle due to your stress at work. I guess, if he was used to you running a lot and seeming to be very motivated to suddenly witnessing it all change, he is bound to be worried. He probably didn't expect you to be so hurt by the comment (if he's never been chubby before he won't know how sensitive and vulnerable it can make people).

BUT, I think it is very important that you don't take everything people say on here at face value. MFP is a wonderful community and we are all here to help each other, but no one here will know what your relationship with your fiancé really is. He may or may not ultimately be right for you, but only you and perhaps those who know you both well as a couple can answer that. Don't think it is irreparable because some people here have suggested it is.

Think about who you are and why you and your fiancé love each other and perhaps talk to him about what he meant and why it hurt you so much. Don't run away from it, but try to use it as motivation to help you along. You don't seem happy with the way your life is at the moment and exercise could make you happier in the short-term (even if it is difficult to drag yourself out, it's nearly always worth it) and in the long-term if it makes you both happier and healthier as a couple, it is worth it. You have to do it for the right reasons though, not because you're afraid he will stop fancying you again.

I hope this helps. Just remember to love yourself regardless of how you feel each day and to know your body is worth looking after for so many different reasons. xx

Jziller

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

My thoughts exactly. I was married to man and there were small hints like this before we got married and after the wedding it got worst and worst. Love isn't defined by the way one looks. He should love you whether you’re blue, bald or fat. Marriage is a long term commitment and he needs to love you for you, not your body. I'm married to a new man that shows me this every day and I wish I would have known what true love was before I married my first husband. What happens if, god forbid, you get cancer and lose your hair and lose your muscle tone, will he be there? What happens if you get pregnant and have a hard losing the pregnancy weight as lot of women do, will he still love you then. I'm not saying to leave him but definitely think long and hard about your decision. Marriage should be for life and divorce is hard thing to go thru.

barbaratrollman

Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.

Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.

I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.

Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.

I completely agree with him. ^
If I really love somebody, I'm not going to quit begin attracted to him because he's put on 20 pounds. I don't think that is the way genuine, life-long lasting love works. It shouldn't be dependent upon physical appearance.

I would have been deeply hurt by a comment like that too and I would be questioning whether he was the right guy for me. If I'm making a for-life commitment with a man, I sure need to feel like his love goes too deeply to change if something happens with the way I look. I mean, we are going to get old and wrinkly and grey someday, right?

baileybiddles

It sounds like this relationship was already in trouble to begin with, as much as I hate to say that to you. Obviously he is shallow and superficial to say you're in a downward spiral because you skipped a run and bought dinner out. He was rude and nasty to you. There's way to be honest TACTFULLY, not in a hurtful way.

I think you are young, beautiful, and you deserve someone who loves you regardless of your appearance. When I met my fiance I weighed 140. I was at my highest weight, 203, six months ago when I started my journey, and he still thinks I am drop dead gorgeous and sexy. When you love somebody, you love them regardless of physical changes. What will your fiance do if you stay together and have children? Think about stretch marks and permanent changes to your breasts and belly. Can he handle that? It doesn't seem that way to me.

pnubn1

Wow..some of these responses floor me. I hope..I reeaallly hope that some of you don't find yourselves in a situation where you NEED someone to take care of you..in any way. Because I can see there are wayyy too many people on here who will, and have walked out on someone because of something petty and fixable. Too many people are stuck on stupid...and willing to throw a relationship away because of weight gain........really?

Well...karma is a b¡+€h......and she will come for you eventually...and be prepared to take what you dish out.

Weight can come off.......stupid can't.

xidia

So what would the women of MFP do if they no longer fancied the man in their life?

I guess they wouldn't tell them because that would be bullying and emotional abuse.

People stop finding other people attractive sometimes, it happens, both ways.

Be glad it happened before you got married, but this isn't some kind of hate crime.

For starters, I'm attracted to personality, not looks. I fancy my fiance, and always have, for his humour, his intelligence, and the way he can light up my world with a single look. I've been with a range of body sizes & shapes over the years, and it doesn't matter so long as the personality connection is there.

So if I stopped fancying him, it would be because either my personality had changed to no longer find his attractive, or his had changed. Either way, that's a sign that's something is wrong, because something has caused that level of change. So we'd talk about it, figure out what it was, and work out if/how to change it back. If we can't, then we look at whether we can live with what we've (now) got. That's what a long term relationship is about.

I can't tell you what I'd do if I stopped fancying someone I was only with for their physique because looks are neither necessary nor sufficient for me. (Which is not to say I don't have my share of celebrity and internet eye candy, just that I clearly separate what I want in my daily life with someone from what I drool over when I'm feeling louche.)

laceyasher

I dated a guy who was controlling like this... and let's just say there are WAY better choices in the sea. How is he going to react if you have kids, and CAN'T lose the weight. That's what happened to me. There is a difference between fancying someone and truly loving them. If he feels he has to tell you he "doesn't fancy you anymore" then that should be a huge red flag. It's not easy for anyone, but women more than men, to gain weight and not feel comfortable in their own skin. When my hubby and I met, I was about 160lbs. I'm currently over 200 (and 4 kids later) and he tells me every day that he loves me more now than he did the day he married me. That's the kind of relationship you should be in. Not one that is based solely on your physical appearance.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.

They really should break up and allow him to find someone who isn't the kind of person who pretends to be someone she isn't for five years. That's five YEARS of her being dishonest with someone she claims to love. One could even say she took five years away from him where he could have found someone who was legitimately more compatible with him and not pretending.

I don't think I would like it either. I'd probably be a jerk to someone who lied to me for five years and only pretended to be the active person. But that's just me. She shouldn't have been so dishonest for so many years.

See what I did there?

msamwhite

First, you have to do it to be happy with you. And I've learned through my weight loss/health journey that support of the people close to you is the ultimate motivation. Bullying doesn't motivate...it puts down. In order to motivate a person, one must inspire or support them. Also, don't allow food to comfort you...been there...ate that...it only makes things worse in the long run...both health and self esteem. Exercise allows you to relieve stress and burn calories. Find a workout that you love and pour your energy into it each day...visit the gym and run on the treadmill with your inspirational music blasting through your headphones. It helps...don't give up on yourself and don't allow anyone else to bring your further down. Once YOU fancy you, you'll be just fine.

Grumpy2208

The real question is - after you have finished your education, got a better job which makes you happier, lost the wee weight which is dragging you down, get to the other end of the tunnel with so much more confidence and peace within yourself - would you still "fancy" HIM?.

SoDamnHungry

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

This.

And I really have to agree that you skipping meals to get down to a size 8 seems really unhealthy. Was this guy's regimen really a good influence?

EmmaJackson130

I'm sorry but that sucks, its insensitive and thoughtless. You are planning on spending your life with this man, having children and ageing. How will he feel with your post pregnancy body, ageing body if he stops fancying you when you are just a size 12.

If he loves you he loves you, when you are in a long term relationship sex isn't just about the physical act, it is an expression of your bond.

At my heaviest I was 285, I'm still obese but working on it. My husband has never asked me to lose weight. He tells me I am beautiful everyday and he wants to make love to me. Fancying someone when you are in a serious long term relationship should come down to much more than aesthetics.

Sorry to sound preachy but I actually cant believe he said this to you.

selina884

Well lets be fair,

From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.

You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.

sarahertzberger

it is completely pathetic for a man who supposedly loves a woman to ever say that to her my husband would NEVER say anything like that to me and I'm a lot more overweight than you are it makes me so mad when people do that, if he truly loves you I don't see how he could ever say that to you he should be motivating trying to bring you up, not pull you down and I'm sorry you had to deal with him treating you so horribly that's emotional abuse

Boobarella2

seriously....no one has heard of the crazy hot scale?



Not trying to make a joke here, but I think its true. Some people are willing to put up with things as long as their SO is still attractive to them. So as some other posters have said, maybe there are some other underlying issues that he has been willing to look past and not discuss with you because you were very attractive to him and it wasnt worth it. Now as it seems you have fallen out of favor with him not only in appearance (but hes lost a workout buddy and real life MFP eating partner) and possibly he is no longer able to accept things about you that he was willing to previously ignore???

It really is a conversation the two of you should have, because it sounds like there are other issues thats been bothering him and this is the proverbial straw. If not, I see no reason why he wouldnt be supportive of you both with the stress of your crappy job and trying to better yourself through further education.

Also this

Zekela

I think there are better ways of helping you out than bullying. I don't think you or fat or flabby, you look gorgeous and that's the first realization you need in order to make a difference. Next, try and find an activity you enjoy (you may not like running and that's probably why you find excuses not to do it). Working out will make you feel better about yourself and feeling better about yourself could help you stop eating because of depression. Finally, please don't starve yourself since this could lead to depression and an unhealthy relationship with food. Good luck!

spirytwynd

I wrote out a long reply and halfway through decided I was saying too much. A lot of folks have given you advice in the few hours since you posted.

I suggest you take a little time to figure out where you are and where you want to go, then figure out how to get there. While you may not be eagerly anticipating your fiance's return tonight, you have a bit of time to think things through. You have the chance to communicate with him and figure out what the two of you want to do. You also have the chance to look at your life and decide if you want to change things there too - work, school, exercise, etc. And some changes takes time, some things have to be worked toward, they are not instantaneously in effect.

What do you want? Really, what do YOU want? What changes do you want to make? What are you willing to accept and put up with? Maybe you have had some setbacks - you can do something about that and overcome them. Every day can be a new beginning. And remember, to not make a decision is to still have made a choice.

Good luck tonight, tomorrow and all the days after that. I hope your story has a happy ending, whatever ending that may be.

Lank

jackpotclown

Doesn't sound like a real relationship to me.....think about what you have here....he's happy if you're in on his routine....so if something else comes up...is he going to resent you for that too??? I mean how dare you become injured, sick, pregnant or something silly like that....you might actually have to rest up a bit.....either way, it's evident that he lacks understanding when it comes to your situation....and you're better off ending it before it gets worse. If you truly love someone, you love everything about them.. just like a pie....you've got to love the crust of a person too \m/

JenniBaby85

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? "

Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?

I do agree with this in part, but when it comes to long term relationships there is a LOT more to it. People will change. Injuries, and illnesses can and do happen, in which case would he expect her to go for a run after breaking her leg? And if she didn't, would it be acceptable in your eyes that he is not attracted to her? And what if they did have kids? She wouldn't be ABLE to do those things for some time. After I had my two I was told to limit my activity for 6 weeks and not just from making love. 5 month after I had my first child, I had to have my gallbladder removed and was not allowed to do anything strenuous until I got the doctor's "O.K." and if my husband had said he wasn't attracted to me because I was following doctors orders, I'd be out of there. Sorry, but change is unavoidable, I am not the same person my husband married. I am 118lbs THINNER. I am more confident, I hardly resemble what and who I was back then, and through it all my husband has been right there by my side supporting me all the way.

On the other hand I see the point here, and he probably feels like you don't care for him like you used to, even though it's not true. He is looking at the long term now, whereas he was looking at the short term when you started dating. And yes, he should have been MUCH more sensitive about it.

skinnyforcruise2013

I've been dating my bf for over a yr. When we met we were both heavier...but he's gained a bit back and I'm still as attracted to him as I was on day one.

If weight is an issue with him not "fancying" you anymore, then he doesn't really love you. GET OUT NOW!

I'd still fancy my man if he gained 50lbs...the only reason I want him to keep it off is to keep him healthy. And the same goes for me.

ozonenrhia1

Ok, here is what I have for you. If he cannot support you, build you up, make you feel beautiful, not degrade you he is not for you. No matter what size you are every woman and man deserves to have that one person that no matter what loves you for you. My man has seen me little and has seen me bigger and loves me no less than the first day he saw me. He tells me I am beautiful everyday, he supports my efforts to get in shape. He is my rock no matter what.. YOU DESERVE THAT TOO!!!!

MissTattoo

My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...

i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?

might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?

you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?

There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.

"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.

That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.

runwmeNC

It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.

This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.