My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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You look great in all of your figures (not heavy!) and even if those aren't current, he's a jerk.0
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"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
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You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.0 -
Obviously he said he still "loves" me - but we aren't 75yrs old - love alone is not enough so early into our journey.
I very much disagree with this statement. I think what he said was cold and insensitive, but I think if you are both reasonable people you will be able to sit down and discuss this issue at length, so that it can be resolved with you doing what you feel is best for you and your body and him understanding that he should love you regardless of how you look and should not bully you into changing yourself and be more supportive as you go through a rough patch.0 -
I find it rather vain that your fiancé deems your value in your size. You deserve much better, someone that loves you for the gift that you are. I suspect it will only get worse and for him not to be sorry is so pathetic - do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?
Chin up, you'll get through this no matter where you end up you'll be in a better place!! :happy:0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Never said physical attraction doesn't play a part, for both parties. What I basically said is if appearance is that big of an issue after time spent with someone, there are probably other underlying issues, evidenced by your comment about one step from the looney bin...As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...
Sorry, but if I'm not physically attracted to someone there's no way in hell I'd consider beginning (or continuing) a relationship. And the fact that she was one step away from getting hauled to the looney bin sure didn't help things either. B*tch was crazy.
I'm sure all the prince charming's on this site will beat me mercilessly for saying it but most men (in general, not necessarily those on this site) are physical creatures. And sure, different things appeal to different men.0 -
I've been fat and thin with losers and princes and you have enough issues with self esteem from your profile: you don't need any man making you feel worse. The good ones don't care. I know it's a cliché, but it's true. To the curb. Make it your choice. You'll feel better.0
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You must first assume that his "tough love" is initially coming from a good place. Talk to him honestly about how you're feeling. Also clue him in that if you felt happier with yourself and could come home to a supportive, encouraging partner you would be less likely to seek comfort in food. If you were happier during your active excercise period at a lighter weight then maybe he could help you regain that. If you were just doing it FOR HIM and his approval then maybe you need to rethink your relationship. He could be the key to helping you if you truly love him, sometimes frustration get the better of us all when someone we love is hurting their health. If he is just an insenstive jerk by nature then I would look elsewhere. Good luck.0
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What bothers me about it, is that it sounds like he is offering you a warning rather than concern out of love. Ask him what he would do if you decided not to lose weight? What if you gain another 20? I wonder what he is saying between the lines, that he will cheat on you? that he is and this is his excuse? That's just where my mind goes.0
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"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.
So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:0 -
Exactly my thoughts. Out the door for you! If this is your fiance talking - why would you consider marrying this person? You want a supportive spouse who is on your side, not telling you they don't "fancy" you anymore. Definitely time to move on. You need to find someone who helps you to love yourself first, thus allowing you to fully love another. Pack up and move on. PS I have been married for 33 years. My husband has fancied me at any weight, but has always been concerned first with my health. He always finds me beautiful, even after all this time. Ask yourself if you are getting this from your fiance.0
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Sorry to break it to you, but this isn't a weight issue, it's a relationship issue.
Do both of you a favor and break it off now. Better now than after you're married and still can't communicate with each other, and are relying solely on physical attraction, and depending on the other person to somehow make you happy....like it's the other person's responsibility or something.
Agree.0 -
I don't know but , I think I would have been extremely hurt and handed him a list of apartment rentals and told him to get out.
When I met my husband almost 25 years ago, I was a cute perky little 19 yr old.... Fast forward more than 100 pounds gained, health issues and 4 kids. He still loves me. He tells me I am beautiful and he married me for me and not my weight.
If your BF is so worried about 20 pounds, what will he do if you get chronically ill or pregnant? Bail because it isn't what he signed up for? I personally think perhaps you need to take a long look at his attitude and decide if this is what you want long term..0 -
NEXT.0
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Two words: Dump him
Seriously...read your post back - you are with a controlling bully who views you as an object.....you deserve better....0 -
My Honest opinion is that people change thorughout their lifes, go up and down, get stressed and lose commitment and so forth but as your fiance, I think he is approaching this in a disgusting mannar!!
Who is he to tell you what to do???
I think you are beautiful and look great!!! I do not think that being in a childish mood with you stamping his feet is going to work. It will make you feel worse and therefore you will either return back to starving yourself or you will feel to rubbish and maybe put more weight on.
I do not know your other half but I think he needs to be more supportive and treat you with some respect! You are a person with real feelings and being stressed can effect us in many ways. My partner met me when I was slimmer, then i went huuuuuggggeee through being content and he never said a word, still was intimate and made me feel good about myself. I am now losing weight again but know that he is defo' not with me for my looks, lol!!
Maybe you could talk to him and explain that the way he is approaching the situation is upsetting to you and that will mot help. And that it seems when he says things like that to you that he is only with you if you are a certain size!!
Hope you can get through your stressed stage!! maybe try some relaxing styles of exercise like yoga just to get you back into it and kill 2 birds with 1 stone and sort the stress out to. xx0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.0 -
Attraction isn't always about weight, even if that may be how it is expressed.
1: You blew him off, avoided the run with him.
2: When you did come in, you settled on the couch to eat - in your words, slumped on the couch with your meal.
3: The last 18 months you have been extremely busy, and have changed both behaviour and health and fitness habits.
Let me guess: He fell in love with a somewhat over-weight, but energetic, fresh and interested woman, who joined him in doing things he really likes. In the process she became even hotter and more fit, and he loved that. Then suddenly he lives with a woman who is too busy to hang out doing the things he wants to, she's always tired and she isn't interested in her (or his) health any more.
I am not saying he is right. If he was a bit more sensitive, he might ask if you shouldn't take the occasional break from your busy schedule so you could get your exercize and your eating schedule right, and spend a little time with him, so you could have fun together. But obviously he felt trapped and blurted out something that had been nagging him for some time, and he did it in a hurtful manner. Also, I think he could have sucked it up for a while longer. What you are doing is tough, but there is an end to it.
What I am saying is that it may not all be about weight. It may be the lack of togetherness, the lack of shared interests. He may miss the woman who liked being with him, and didn't view a run with him as a painful chore. And he may have realised that he liked that woman better than the woman you want to become. You may have grown apart. That hurts, but it happens.
Good luck.
PS: Education doesn't have to lead to health-loss. If you manage to exercize and eat healthily, you will perform better as a student and scholar, and it's a very good investment. The brain works better when the body is working out, both short-term (you think better while stimulating the brain through light exercize, so go for a walk to solve a problem) and long term (more energy, less illness and health issues.)
Very well put.
I know he put it harshly but he was honest, you taking the work/school over him might be the reason. To me it doesn't sound like he said I don't fancy you because of the weight you gained but rather the behaviour that has gotten you there. I think he just misses the old fun you and fancies seeing her again.
This.0 -
Wow, good save. Thankfully you figured this out BEFORE the wedding.
Why are you even sad? You just saved yourself a ton of money, and messy court stuff.
Congrats! :flowerforyou:0 -
So what happens when you gain weight from pregnancy? :ohwell:0
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"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.
So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:
Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!0 -
I guess, like many here, I would hesitate in marriage to him. While he WAS honest, it was cruelly put. He could have been a little more tactful in his stating such a truth.
That being said, I DID marry a man like that thinking it would all be "better" because after all, he was being honest with me... I am still married to him, but I will tell you he "bullies" me ALL THE TIME regarding my weight. If I miss a day of exercise, if I choose to snack (regardless of choice healthy or not), if I choose something he deems not "right" for a meal - constantly he comments negatively. I hate it and it makes me very self conscious around him and constantly rethink how things are.
What if you have kids and have trouble losing the weight? WIll he still "fancy" you? What if you get sick and for some reason are unable to do the things you do now? Will he still "love" you? There are so many things in life that can happen to change the way your lives are now - will you constantly be wondering what his next "truth" will be? will you constantly be living your lifestyle for HIM so he won't comment?
change is never easy and not always painless. I guess you have to pick your "change" that you feel is best for you and flow with it.0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
Did you miss the part where the OP said her being with her fiancee led her to skipping meals and running to the scales constantly? How before she used to be relatively confident about herself even if she wasn't stick thin and now that she's back at the same weight she's miserable? And who are you to tell the OP that she's faltering in her life?
To me it sounds like that she's putting in more than her fair share of work and studies. If that means that she comes home at night and just wants to eat something she actually likes and watch TV, that's well within her rights. No one should be allowed to dictate how a person should live her life, and you certainly have no right to pass judgement on the OP and tell her she's "faltering".
To the OP: Have you asked yourself why you're feeling so stressed, depressed and without motivation? Is it the work, the studies, missing support, the atmosphere at home? If it were me, I would try and identify what it is that's making me so miserable and evaluate what my priorities are and what I'm willing to cut out of my life in order to restore some peace of mind.0 -
So what would the women of MFP do if they no longer fancied the man in their life?
I guess they wouldn't tell them because that would be bullying and emotional abuse.
People stop finding other people attractive sometimes, it happens, both ways.
Be glad it happened before you got married, but this isn't some kind of hate crime.0 -
"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.
So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:
Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!
Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.0 -
Since marriage is about enduring the good and the bad together, I suggest reevaluating the relationship.
Put all options on the table.0 -
You call his passion for exercise a "vice," and you expect him to accept that you've gained 20 lbs from stress-eating? I'm surprised he hasn't left you already, and not because of your appearance but because you're being a serious hypocrite. He could definitely be more sensitive, but you need to take responsibility for your choices, too.0
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As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.
On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ...
its a tough one
The love could've been there but got covered by all the lbs. Adding a 125 lbs changes a lot about you, you can't go for long walks on the beach like you use to, your interest most likely will shift from active to more sedentary choices.
Your statement of "the love was never really there" is unfair to their relationship, because people fall in and out of love all the time due to many reasons. For him it was the repulsion from the excessive weight gain, if you are both outdoorsy type of people and one gained that much weight and the outdoors got eliminated from the equation then you just killed a part of the love in that relationship.
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In. My. Opinion. IMO. My opinion is based on my experiences, with medical issues I had, activities my husband and I did together were eliminated. We worked on our relationship to continue to move forward, to find new things we could do together. IMO, to many people dont realize the hard work a lasting relationship is. if she got cancer, and they couldn't do the same things, this is different? Not in MY opinion.0 -
So let's read this again from his perspective:
He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.
Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.
I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.
I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.
I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.
Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health?
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Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?0
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