My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

LondonEliza

Not someone I would want to get pregnant by. Marriage is supposed to be through 'thick and thin' not just 'as long as you are the body-shape I approve of'

AmyMgetsfit

You are not married to him yet. Yes, you have spent a lot of years together but you are not legally bound to him, now is the time to bail before the wedding planning goes any farther. I would take a long hard look at what my future holds with this guy. As women, life, especially with kids can take a toll on our bodies. Once you start getting older you have to work harder to maintain it. Between husband, kids, house and work, sometimes there just isn't enough time to take care of ourselves and we can start to show some wear and tear and weight gain, unless you're genetically blessed. I myself couldn't be with a guy who only "fancied" me by what size pants I wore. If my married life was going to be walking on egg shells with him, I would take a step back for awhile to see if this is really something I can live with. My husband and I have both gained about 60lbs in the 37 years we have been married. Neither one of us has ever said anything negative about the other persons weight. Our only concern would be our health since we both gain in our bellies. I am trying to lose about 40 of it. I am doing for myself and my health not because anyone bullied me. Sometimes being bullied like that can cause eating disorders.

Dauntlessness

I have been married 12 years now so I have some experience with relationships.

First thing, your partner should never make you feel bad about yourself. He should love you if your 200lbs or 100lbs. I don't think that's the actual issue though.

Second, Him saying he doesn't fancy you anymore could mean two things. The way you look or the way you act. I somehow get the idea its the way you act and you are misinterpreting it as your physical appearance. I think YOU don't like the way you look and your projecting that opinion on to him.

Third, It sounds like to me that you constantly justify your poor decisions because your busy. All of us have stresses, all of us have busy lives. Your not being targeted and if you are waiting for things to calm down, your going to be waiting for a really long time. You have to adjust or it will never happen.

Fourth, If your like most women you ask and expect support from your spouse. So, look at it from his prospective. You complain about the way you look, you are not putting in the effort to exercise, your food is questionable and you ask for support but ignore it. Being a man, most of the time they don't know how to express their feelings in a tactful way. I am guessing he is using "downward spiral" as "I see you making poor choices and your in this loop that you cant get out of". He probably wants to help you but you dismiss the encouragement from him and view it as a power struggle while keep doing the same things over and over. Eventually it is going to get frustrating for him if everything he does or says, you ignore. Why try?

Okay, something that is so very important in a relationship is prospective is reality for the other person. In other words, the way they perceive the the problem is the truth to them. You both would rather argue than resolve the conflict because you think you right and the other person is wrong. The key to this is write down what you want to say WITHOUT judgement or being accusatory. Write down what you want from him or her. Empathize and tell them you understand where you are coming from and explain why. Set guidelines. Sometimes a relationship needs to be negotiated to move past an issue.

I hope that helps

lornaloo3

I don't know, after hearing him so put off about some temporary stress related weight, if I'd ever want to be pregnant in that relationship. Your life is turbulent right now and instead of trying to understand or work with you to make it better he's putting additional stress on you. If your commute is three hours maybe it's time to talk about moving closer to work or looking for a new job -- not shaming you for needing a break after a long work day.

sportzmom23

As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.

On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ... its a tough one
[/quote]

vtmoon

Attraction isn't always about weight, even if that may be how it is expressed.

1: You blew him off, avoided the run with him.
2: When you did come in, you settled on the couch to eat - in your words, slumped on the couch with your meal.
3: The last 18 months you have been extremely busy, and have changed both behaviour and health and fitness habits.

Let me guess: He fell in love with a somewhat over-weight, but energetic, fresh and interested woman, who joined him in doing things he really likes. In the process she became even hotter and more fit, and he loved that. Then suddenly he lives with a woman who is too busy to hang out doing the things he wants to, she's always tired and she isn't interested in her (or his) health any more.

I am not saying he is right. If he was a bit more sensitive, he might ask if you shouldn't take the occasional break from your busy schedule so you could get your exercize and your eating schedule right, and spend a little time with him, so you could have fun together. But obviously he felt trapped and blurted out something that had been nagging him for some time, and he did it in a hurtful manner. Also, I think he could have sucked it up for a while longer. What you are doing is tough, but there is an end to it.

What I am saying is that it may not all be about weight. It may be the lack of togetherness, the lack of shared interests. He may miss the woman who liked being with him, and didn't view a run with him as a painful chore. And he may have realised that he liked that woman better than the woman you want to become. You may have grown apart. That hurts, but it happens.

Good luck.

PS: Education doesn't have to lead to health-loss. If you manage to exercize and eat healthily, you will perform better as a student and scholar, and it's a very good investment. The brain works better when the body is working out, both short-term (you think better while stimulating the brain through light exercize, so go for a walk to solve a problem) and long term (more energy, less illness and health issues.)

Very well put.

I know he put it harshly but he was honest, you taking the work/school over him might be the reason. To me it doesn't sound like he said I don't fancy you because of the weight you gained but rather the behaviour that has gotten you there. I think he just misses the old fun you and fancies seeing her again.

katedevall

To be honest I'd be pretty pissed if my boyfriend said that to me.

In the other hand I guess at least he told you how he was feeling, but I don't think you should just do something because its what he wants for you. You have to want this yourself and be determined enough to stick with losing weight and changing your diet for you.
However he should love you no matter what you look like in my opinion. If he doesn't "fancy" you now, how is he going to feel if you have children together? There are some things you will need to consider and I would think you should discuss your relationship and expectations and go from there. You should do what you think will make you the happiest and what you can commit to

Pmarshall123

If something about him bothers you now - it will magnify after you are married. This is as good as it gets.

LondonEliza

When my husband and I met 17 years ago, I was a size 4, when we got married I was a 6/8. Three kids, migraine meds, and a life later, I was a 12, no not that big, but 50 pounds heavier. Never, not once did my husband ever comment negatively on my weight, never did he even act like he 'fancied' me less. In fact, he constantly told me that everything we have been through as a couple and family only deepened his desire for me. For me, THIS is the definition of true love.

When I finally got medical issues cleared u, and started this journey for ME, on my terms, he told me he was so happy I was doing this for us. I had to sit him down and say, I am sorry, this isn't for YOU, its for ME. You may reap the benefits, but if I try this for you, I wont succeed.

There is a difference between trying to support someone making healthy lifestyle choices, and bullying/guilting them into submission.

If you think this is a repairable issue, and you have the desire to really work on your relationship, and feel he does as well, then have a heart to heart. But it will take hard work, and lots of it, to get your relationship back on track, and if it were me, I would probably always question what 'fault' he would find next.

Good Luck, take care of you!!

Yep, all of this ^^^^^ and more. Sounds like this lady and her husband put the healthy in a healthy relationship.

links_slayer

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.

I'm not denying that, especially the part about her being better off without me. Keep in mind that I'm better off without her, too. Goes both ways, brah.

Raythomas1

well if you are single after all of this and still out of shape then will you feel better? if yes then there is your answer
if no:
then I personally would use other men you like as inspiration to be fit and healthy.

Ultimately I can only imagine how your feelings and situation goes much deeper but **** it! life is too short.
as for 7-7 shift....
I know it sucks.
wake up early ONE TIME.
JUST ONCE to go for a FREEZING cold run. find out why you want to be in shape beyond seeking validation for others and when you are coming back home from your jog as the sun is just coming... you will feel empowered! knowing all of everyone else around you hasn't even started their day but YOU are owning yours. work, come home, and rest. get you right. then get your relationship right. all of this coming from a 20 year old haha. or damn. if you want a work out. try getting on top of him and riding him for an hour trying to get him off if he REALLY doesn't fancy you. tell him you need lube because he can't keep you wet any longer. and BAM relation building and fat burning. I should be quoted for my excellent advice. XD haaha wtf is wrong with me..... i'm sorry.

Raythomas1

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.

I'm not denying that, especially the part about her being better off without me. Keep in mind that I'm better off without her, too. Goes both ways, brah.

wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!

kezza8888

I am completely overwhelmed by the replies and support on here! The mixed responses mirror my own internal battle....

A) Attraction is important, and what he said matches how I feel so really I should "put down the kebab" as someone already said! LOL

It's hurt so much, how can I trust him to be faithful and supportive for the rest of my life.....after babies etc!

I guess tonight all feelings have to be laid out and we will then take it from there...

I'm only half way through the thread, but I didnt want anyone to think I abandoned the topic! I am so grateful and will be sure to read every single one....work sucks today anyway! :-)

links_slayer

As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...

Sorry, but if I'm not physically attracted to someone there's no way in hell I'd consider beginning (or continuing) a relationship. And the fact that she was one step away from getting hauled to the looney bin sure didn't help things either. B*tch was crazy.

I'm sure all the prince charming's on this site will beat me mercilessly for saying it but most men (in general, not necessarily those on this site) are physical creatures. And sure, different things appeal to different men.

bluefox9er

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

seriously?? you did THAT because she gained a pound and a half? did you frog march her at gunpoint to the bathroom scales every 8 hours?

you are what you said you are in every single way.

But on the bright side, you did her a HUGE favour.

mrswoodstock

belive me you arent FAT!!! i weigh twice as much as you do and my largest i was 400 pounds. (check out my profile pic). ask him what it is he doesnt REALLY "fancy" you anymore. if it is your size for real.... then tell him how that makes you feel. a man should love you the same at 300 pounds as he does at 150 pounds!!!! if its REAL love anyway. a womans weight will flucuate ALL the time... and especially as you get older. sure you sould be taking care of yourself now like you were before but that is no reason for him to really loose interest in you. his job is to support and love you... not make you feel bad.

MSeel1984

Can I just say this:

Despite your discouragement with falling out of the workout routine and gaining weight, you are B-E-A UTIFUL! I took a gander at your pictures and you are just lovely-what an amazing smile...and your body in all of those pictures is nothing to be ashamed of.

Granted, it'd be good I think for your mood too if you were able to get back into your routine...have you expressed to him how what he said to you made you feel?

Being open and honest is important...not just on his end either. Better than bottling it up until you freak out...talk with him openly and honestly about your struggles and how the way he acts is not supportive-and actually hurtful and discouraging.

Cheer up, Charlie

links_slayer

I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

seriously?? you did THAT because she gained a pound and a half? did you frog march her at gunpoint to the bathroom scales every 8 hours?

you are what you said you are in every single way.

But on the bright side, you did her a HUGE favour.

125 lbs bro...no decimal

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

So let's read this again from his perspective:

He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

MaraDiaz

If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.

Isn't that a bit selfish, especially as they're both still young and not even married?

If YOU choose not to have kids, surely YOU get sterilised, and if HE chooses not to have kids, HE gets sterilised.

I said that because it's much easier to reverse male sterilization if they change their minds. As for me, I am very happily sterilized because I knew one kid was plenty.

And actually as a misanthrope I think everyone should get sterilized, there are more than enough humans roaming around, we'd be doing the Universe a favor by going extinct.