My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
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Attraction isn't always about weight, even if that may be how it is expressed.
1: You blew him off, avoided the run with him.
2: When you did come in, you settled on the couch to eat - in your words, slumped on the couch with your meal.
3: The last 18 months you have been extremely busy, and have changed both behaviour and health and fitness habits.
Let me guess: He fell in love with a somewhat over-weight, but energetic, fresh and interested woman, who joined him in doing things he really likes. In the process she became even hotter and more fit, and he loved that. Then suddenly he lives with a woman who is too busy to hang out doing the things he wants to, she's always tired and she isn't interested in her (or his) health any more.
I am not saying he is right. If he was a bit more sensitive, he might ask if you shouldn't take the occasional break from your busy schedule so you could get your exercize and your eating schedule right, and spend a little time with him, so you could have fun together. But obviously he felt trapped and blurted out something that had been nagging him for some time, and he did it in a hurtful manner. Also, I think he could have sucked it up for a while longer. What you are doing is tough, but there is an end to it.
What I am saying is that it may not all be about weight. It may be the lack of togetherness, the lack of shared interests. He may miss the woman who liked being with him, and didn't view a run with him as a painful chore. And he may have realised that he liked that woman better than the woman you want to become. You may have grown apart. That hurts, but it happens.
Good luck.
PS: Education doesn't have to lead to health-loss. If you manage to exercize and eat healthily, you will perform better as a student and scholar, and it's a very good investment. The brain works better when the body is working out, both short-term (you think better while stimulating the brain through light exercize, so go for a walk to solve a problem) and long term (more energy, less illness and health issues.)0 -
Sorry you are having to go thru this. These kinds of words hurt us as women! only if men could see this. Wish you well and lots of happiness with success.0
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Reading through your responses, you've had a mixture of replies. I tend to agree with both points being made here. Your fiancé should love you regardless, especially when it's just 20lbs. I know it may seem like a lot but it really isn't, 20lbs doesn't turn you into a completely different personal (physically).40-50lbs, I would understand where he is coming from but I think he is being a little harsh and trying to put some tough love on you to help motivate you.
In one way, you have to applaud his honesty and you are fortunate to have a man who is willing to be that honest with you as some men wouldn't say anything and would just stray away from home because they don't find their partner attractive anymore. That happens a lot more than people realise.
I think you should talk openly with him about how it's made you feel and explain you want to get back into the regime but need some positive encouragement rather than negative.
Also, you need to be doing this for you and not for him. If you aren't happy with yourself, make changes. A kebab for dinner isn't going to make those changes and although you picked something up quickly, you and I both know a kebab was not the healthiest choice you could have picked.
Try to see this as a positive rather than a negative and rather than posting on here how upset you are, sit down and have an honest conversation with him about it.
I agree that honest conversations are important for your relationship right now. If this is not his usual approach, I would wonder if he is already "straying from home" and trying to turn it around to be your fault somehow. DO NOT blame yourself if he moves on. Weight is not the only thing that affectives physical attractiveness. What if you had an accident and got a disfiguring scar?
A few years ago, I had a very minor injury (while running to stay physically fit) which turned into a bigger problem leaving me depending on crutches and a cane on and off for the past 5 years. At one point, I considered leaving my husband so I would not be a burden to him. While I was thinking that way, he gave me a birthday card that described how he would always love me NO MATTER WHAT which of course had me crying. I told him how I was feeling and he very gently explained that he meant every word in that card. He asked if I would love him less if he was having the same problem? He has never criticized me for being overweight but has made a number of positive comments since I've started losing.
If your relationship depends on how one or both of you look, move on. You can't find the healthier you while someone is trying to control you. I had already decided that I was not going to be abused or bullied anymore before I met my husband. We got engaged after 12 days, were married at 12 weeks, and just celebrated our 18th anniversary.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.0 -
Agree!0
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Everyone gets 'comfy' in relationships. I think you need to ask your self if your happy with you? Maybe a change of job, getting the balance back or breaking these other habits is what you need to focus on. If he is the one you want to be with then part of that is making time for you (plural) as well as maintaining your sense of self. If food is becoming the source of release for you, then that would suggest there is other stuff you need to sort out. Good luck and be happy, thats all that matters .
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Well I would be packing his suitcase ready for his arrival from work and departure from my life...
OK so your overweight but to me him saying that to you is pretty ****ty.0 -
When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
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This is what stuck out to me: Skipping dinners. Now, I'm not skinny and I haven't been since I was five years old, but that isn't healthy. If this guy is getting mad at you because you aren't starving yourself-- he doesn't care about you, just the image of you he has in his head. Working out is good. Eating healthy is good. Not eating dinner is not good for you. You're going to have this body for the rest of your life, and let's face it, women out live men, so even if you stay with this guy he's not going to be around as long as your body. In other words, one of these relationships is optional, the other is not.
He sounds like a jerk. At least you haven't married his dumb *kitten* yet. What's he going to do if you get pregnant? Yell at you for being "fat" while you're growing a human? He sounds like a shallow *kitten* to me. You deserve better. I would tell him that.0 -
Sorry that you had to hear that from him, it must have really hurt.
However, he has told you how he feels and you have to face the reality that you are unattractive to him at the moment.
So you either do something about it or you break up with him. Because just carrying on as you are is not an option - I personally think that once you have stopped fancying someone, there's no going back - I've been there with an ex, I went off him physically and once that happened the spark from our relationship went and we eventually split.
So you need to decide if he's worth the trouble of getting fit again - and he might be, I don't think that one comment to you sums him up, he could be a lovely guy who has just had this on his mind for a while, didn't know how to talk to you about it and blurted it out and unfortunately hurt your feelings. However he said it to you would have hurt though, there's no nice way to put that.
I can't imagine how you feel, I'm really sorry for you. Chin up, you can get through this - don't feel pressured to go on long runs with him after a hard day, have you thought about doing something like the 30DS instead? Much easier to make time for after such a long day at work.0 -
Hello lovely, your message made me get goosebumps. He should surely understand how stressful it is for you at the moment and not making it even harder for you. Who would seriously want to go for a run after having such a long commute home and epsecially with the weather we're having. Re the kebab - you could have gone for a worse option with cheesey chips and full fat mayo etc but you didn't. He could have also made you a dinner so that you didn't have the temptation for grabbing a kebab. You are allowed to be naughty and if you're like me when I do it eat, I enjoy it thoroughly but then the guilt sets in.
You have to figure out how you feel and how you can see your relationship in the future. It's a bit mean of him to say he loves you but doesn't find you attractive - well what has really changed since you met - you're not back at your original weight when you first met him so what is his problem? Did he prefer you when you lost the 20lbs and if so that is not right. It is always good to encourage each other to be healthier but he should love you unconditionally regardless of if you are skinny, normal or cuddly.
If he knows you well enough he should know how you're feeling inside about gaining those pounds back and should not even voice the words he said. It is all on you but you need to do what ultimately makes you happy and also find out what's triggered him to say this, how long has he been feeling like this but mainly can you really relax going forward with someone who now has made you feel bad about yourself.
Sending you hugs xx0 -
Not to be mean but I think it all went wrong when you started starving yourself for your partner, thats just not healthy no matter how you look at it. Even with gaining those 20lbs back you are not in a "downward spiral", and frankly your weight isnt unhealthy in my opinion.
Your going through a tough time and need a little you time and support form your partner, I think if he cant give you what you need when you need it from him you need to reavaluate your relationship.0 -
Attraction isn't always about weight, even if that may be how it is expressed.
1: You blew him off, avoided the run with him.
2: When you did come in, you settled on the couch to eat - in your words, slumped on the couch with your meal.
3: The last 18 months you have been extremely busy, and have changed both behaviour and health and fitness habits.
Let me guess: He fell in love with a somewhat over-weight, but energetic, fresh and interested woman, who joined him in doing things he really likes. In the process she became even hotter and more fit, and he loved that. Then suddenly he lives with a woman who is too busy to hang out doing the things he wants to, she's always tired and she isn't interested in her (or his) health any more.
I am not saying he is right. If he was a bit more sensitive, he might ask if you shouldn't take the occasional break from your busy schedule so you could get your exercize and your eating schedule right, and spend a little time with him, so you could have fun together. But obviously he felt trapped and blurted out something that had been nagging him for some time, and he did it in a hurtful manner. Also, I think he could have sucked it up for a while longer. What you are doing is tough, but there is an end to it.
What I am saying is that it may not all be about weight. It may be the lack of togetherness, the lack of shared interests. He may miss the woman who liked being with him, and didn't view a run with him as a painful chore. And he may have realised that he liked that woman better than the woman you want to become. You may have grown apart. That hurts, but it happens.
Good luck.
PS: Education doesn't have to lead to health-loss. If you manage to exercize and eat healthily, you will perform better as a student and scholar, and it's a very good investment. The brain works better when the body is working out, both short-term (you think better while stimulating the brain through light exercize, so go for a walk to solve a problem) and long term (more energy, less illness and health issues.)
^this^
Yes, he was an insensitive d!ck in the way he said he didn't fancy you. However, I think you both need to find out what's actually behind it. You're not happy in the relationship if you're worried about his judgement and comments (been there, done that, got the t-shirt and emotional scars) and he's presumably not happy if he's being openly disrespectful to you.
So, a heart-to-heart is needed. What is it he feels is lacking, what is it you feel is lacking, and can you provide that to each other the way you once used to? I'm assuming you used to, because you were together 4.5 years before you got engaged.
It might also be worth checking whether he understands the difference between "in love" (or "fancy" or "lust") which inevitably burns off within the first few years and "love", which is the foundational bedrock of a share life, and the choice you make to be with someone no matter what. And it's a choice you keep making, it's not something you do at the altar and then it's all plain sailing!0 -
I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.0
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No-one has any right to make you feel this way. Is he trying to give you an eating disorder? If you want to lose weight for you, that's absolutely fine. If you're losing weight for him because you know he won't be happy if you're bigger (and a UK size 12 is NOT BIG), then that's a huge red flag. This guy doesn't respect you, and definitely doesn't like it when you're "out of line" (skipping exercise, eating what you want).
You have bigger things to be worrying about than exercise and diet right now, you're in a bad place with work and any decent partner would be supportive and understand that in stressful times some prior commitments can slip. He's not supporting you, he's bullying you and trying to make you feel guilty for disappointing him. Tell him to shove his disappointment up his *kitten*, and have his clothes in a bin bag (or a case if you're feeling generous) waiting for him when he gets home. You can do better than this insensitive, superficial arsehole.0 -
This is not the kind of person I would want to grow old with. Life is FULL of ups and downs much, much greater than 20 extra pounds. When the going gets hard, I would not want someone to talk to me that way. Honesty and respect are important, but this feels to me like he is putting you down and not being very understanding. There is going to come a point in your life when you are not "sexy" anymore.0
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I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.
On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ...
its a tough one 0 -
What I just can't get over is you're a UK 12!! Ladies, that's an 8 in US. Which is SMALL! Such a hurtful thing to say...only you know if this is a pattern...I'm so sorry he said that. Most women would kill to be a size 8.0
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When my husband and I met 17 years ago, I was a size 4, when we got married I was a 6/8. Three kids, migraine meds, and a life later, I was a 12, no not that big, but 50 pounds heavier. Never, not once did my husband ever comment negatively on my weight, never did he even act like he 'fancied' me less. In fact, he constantly told me that everything we have been through as a couple and family only deepened his desire for me. For me, THIS is the definition of true love.
When I finally got medical issues cleared u, and started this journey for ME, on my terms, he told me he was so happy I was doing this for us. I had to sit him down and say, I am sorry, this isn't for YOU, its for ME. You may reap the benefits, but if I try this for you, I wont succeed.
There is a difference between trying to support someone making healthy lifestyle choices, and bullying/guilting them into submission.
If you think this is a repairable issue, and you have the desire to really work on your relationship, and feel he does as well, then have a heart to heart. But it will take hard work, and lots of it, to get your relationship back on track, and if it were me, I would probably always question what 'fault' he would find next.
Good Luck, take care of you!!0 -
I'm sorry but he sounds completely superficial. Are your looks all that really matters to him? Others are saying he's being honest, blah, blah, blah. If he truly loves you, he'd understand what you have been going through with work, etc. because he would be an active part of your life and know those details. I have been married for 22 years (half of my life!) and we have one daughter. At my highest weight I was almost 100 pounds more than when he met me. But if I put myself down he would always tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm the one for him! That's love, no matter what, through thick and thin. Not breaking you down but building you up. I hope you come to a conclusion that brings you happiness, you deserve nothing less!0
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Wow....I wouldn't want to be married to a man like that. Love builds you up...not break you down. Seriously, what's gonna happen if you should have a kid with this guy...and gain a few more pounds? Will he walk out..or will he belittle you in front of your child?
Sometimes, staying seems easier than leaving. If this is the case............get a sexy, ridiculously hot trainer....and workout with HIM. Your hubby makes you feel like *kitten*....get someone who makes HIM LOOK like *kitten*. Turn his negative into a positive......get your sexy back....and then leave his rotten *kitten*.
Or stay..and continue to take his abuse. Trust me..when you get your sexy back, he will find something else to break you down about.0 -
Tell him, "you are disappointed in his lack of support during the trying time you are having at work."
That if he really cared, knowing you were working those hours, he'd have something healthy on the table, for you to eat when you got home.
While your at it, tell him, you "don't fancy him much either while he's being so controlling."
I looked at your profile pics, you are beautiful lady, don't let him tell you otherwise. No one can be that mean and still say "I love you" and truly mean it.
This is a wake up call, maybe your 7-7 stress has been compounded by knowing you are walking into another stress when you get home. Stress kills.
No matter what, wake up, and take a good look, do you want to be living like this forever?0 -
Not someone I would want to get pregnant by. Marriage is supposed to be through 'thick and thin' not just 'as long as you are the body-shape I approve of'0
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You are not married to him yet. Yes, you have spent a lot of years together but you are not legally bound to him, now is the time to bail before the wedding planning goes any farther. I would take a long hard look at what my future holds with this guy. As women, life, especially with kids can take a toll on our bodies. Once you start getting older you have to work harder to maintain it. Between husband, kids, house and work, sometimes there just isn't enough time to take care of ourselves and we can start to show some wear and tear and weight gain, unless you're genetically blessed. I myself couldn't be with a guy who only "fancied" me by what size pants I wore. If my married life was going to be walking on egg shells with him, I would take a step back for awhile to see if this is really something I can live with. My husband and I have both gained about 60lbs in the 37 years we have been married. Neither one of us has ever said anything negative about the other persons weight. Our only concern would be our health since we both gain in our bellies. I am trying to lose about 40 of it. I am doing for myself and my health not because anyone bullied me. Sometimes being bullied like that can cause eating disorders.0
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I have been married 12 years now so I have some experience with relationships.
First thing, your partner should never make you feel bad about yourself. He should love you if your 200lbs or 100lbs. I don't think that's the actual issue though.
Second, Him saying he doesn't fancy you anymore could mean two things. The way you look or the way you act. I somehow get the idea its the way you act and you are misinterpreting it as your physical appearance. I think YOU don't like the way you look and your projecting that opinion on to him.
Third, It sounds like to me that you constantly justify your poor decisions because your busy. All of us have stresses, all of us have busy lives. Your not being targeted and if you are waiting for things to calm down, your going to be waiting for a really long time. You have to adjust or it will never happen.
Fourth, If your like most women you ask and expect support from your spouse. So, look at it from his prospective. You complain about the way you look, you are not putting in the effort to exercise, your food is questionable and you ask for support but ignore it. Being a man, most of the time they don't know how to express their feelings in a tactful way. I am guessing he is using "downward spiral" as "I see you making poor choices and your in this loop that you cant get out of". He probably wants to help you but you dismiss the encouragement from him and view it as a power struggle while keep doing the same things over and over. Eventually it is going to get frustrating for him if everything he does or says, you ignore. Why try?
Okay, something that is so very important in a relationship is prospective is reality for the other person. In other words, the way they perceive the the problem is the truth to them. You both would rather argue than resolve the conflict because you think you right and the other person is wrong. The key to this is write down what you want to say WITHOUT judgement or being accusatory. Write down what you want from him or her. Empathize and tell them you understand where you are coming from and explain why. Set guidelines. Sometimes a relationship needs to be negotiated to move past an issue.
I hope that helps0 -
I don't know, after hearing him so put off about some temporary stress related weight, if I'd ever want to be pregnant in that relationship. Your life is turbulent right now and instead of trying to understand or work with you to make it better he's putting additional stress on you. If your commute is three hours maybe it's time to talk about moving closer to work or looking for a new job -- not shaming you for needing a break after a long work day.0
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As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.
On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ... its a tough one
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Attraction isn't always about weight, even if that may be how it is expressed.
1: You blew him off, avoided the run with him.
2: When you did come in, you settled on the couch to eat - in your words, slumped on the couch with your meal.
3: The last 18 months you have been extremely busy, and have changed both behaviour and health and fitness habits.
Let me guess: He fell in love with a somewhat over-weight, but energetic, fresh and interested woman, who joined him in doing things he really likes. In the process she became even hotter and more fit, and he loved that. Then suddenly he lives with a woman who is too busy to hang out doing the things he wants to, she's always tired and she isn't interested in her (or his) health any more.
I am not saying he is right. If he was a bit more sensitive, he might ask if you shouldn't take the occasional break from your busy schedule so you could get your exercize and your eating schedule right, and spend a little time with him, so you could have fun together. But obviously he felt trapped and blurted out something that had been nagging him for some time, and he did it in a hurtful manner. Also, I think he could have sucked it up for a while longer. What you are doing is tough, but there is an end to it.
What I am saying is that it may not all be about weight. It may be the lack of togetherness, the lack of shared interests. He may miss the woman who liked being with him, and didn't view a run with him as a painful chore. And he may have realised that he liked that woman better than the woman you want to become. You may have grown apart. That hurts, but it happens.
Good luck.
PS: Education doesn't have to lead to health-loss. If you manage to exercize and eat healthily, you will perform better as a student and scholar, and it's a very good investment. The brain works better when the body is working out, both short-term (you think better while stimulating the brain through light exercize, so go for a walk to solve a problem) and long term (more energy, less illness and health issues.)
Very well put.
I know he put it harshly but he was honest, you taking the work/school over him might be the reason. To me it doesn't sound like he said I don't fancy you because of the weight you gained but rather the behaviour that has gotten you there. I think he just misses the old fun you and fancies seeing her again.0 -
To be honest I'd be pretty pissed if my boyfriend said that to me.
In the other hand I guess at least he told you how he was feeling, but I don't think you should just do something because its what he wants for you. You have to want this yourself and be determined enough to stick with losing weight and changing your diet for you.
However he should love you no matter what you look like in my opinion. If he doesn't "fancy" you now, how is he going to feel if you have children together? There are some things you will need to consider and I would think you should discuss your relationship and expectations and go from there. You should do what you think will make you the happiest and what you can commit to0 -
If something about him bothers you now - it will magnify after you are married. This is as good as it gets.0
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When my husband and I met 17 years ago, I was a size 4, when we got married I was a 6/8. Three kids, migraine meds, and a life later, I was a 12, no not that big, but 50 pounds heavier. Never, not once did my husband ever comment negatively on my weight, never did he even act like he 'fancied' me less. In fact, he constantly told me that everything we have been through as a couple and family only deepened his desire for me. For me, THIS is the definition of true love.
When I finally got medical issues cleared u, and started this journey for ME, on my terms, he told me he was so happy I was doing this for us. I had to sit him down and say, I am sorry, this isn't for YOU, its for ME. You may reap the benefits, but if I try this for you, I wont succeed.
There is a difference between trying to support someone making healthy lifestyle choices, and bullying/guilting them into submission.
If you think this is a repairable issue, and you have the desire to really work on your relationship, and feel he does as well, then have a heart to heart. But it will take hard work, and lots of it, to get your relationship back on track, and if it were me, I would probably always question what 'fault' he would find next.
Good Luck, take care of you!!
Yep, all of this ^^^^^ and more. Sounds like this lady and her husband put the healthy in a healthy relationship.0 -
I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.
I'm not denying that, especially the part about her being better off without me. Keep in mind that I'm better off without her, too. Goes both ways, brah.0
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