My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

Mswife09

I actually don't find your story boring, I think that was very insensitive of him.....he needs to love you regardless of how much you gain or lose...because people do change and if he loves you it is not only for what's on the outside but what's on the inside trust me I should know I been with husband for 10 years and I am currently at my highest weight and he does encourage me to lose weight but in a positive way...like honey lets try to have something healthier.....throughout these years we have both physically change but we know we must seen beyond that. Because if you went by looks every month or year we would have to find someone new. I use to be a size 13 when we met but 2 kids later and manic depression I am more than 50 pounds up sadly but hey I will get there but with my spouses support, which is what you need so tell him of course you need him to be firm but not offensive or mean....he can be nice about it???? Good Luck!

roachhaley

since when is a 12 (UK) heavy? it's not the smallest size on earth but it definitely DEFINITELY isnt big, jesus christ

i

action_figure

Well, I think this could be taken a number of ways, but I don't have enough data to really know. Yes, people are allowed their preferences. Yes, he was honest. But several things concern me. You've been together five years, engaged for six months. What is the nature of his attitude toward the change in your level of commitment? Was he happy to move things to the next level? Are you in the middle of planning your wedding, and actually making concrete commitments: hiring a photographer, booking a venue, etc. etc.? Is he participating? I dated a guy for five years and we considered ourselves "engaged" but I didn't have a ring, we didn't have a date or a plan, it was just kind of understood that "someday" we'd get married. On the other hand, when I met the man I'm married to now, we dated for a few months, then actively started planning. We talked to a priest, went through the required pre-nuptial counseling, etc. etc. We married about three years after we met. We're also celebrating our tenth anniversary together. In that time I went from 224 lbs to 347 lbs because of depression, stress and my deranged relationship with food as comfort. Never once did he say anything derogatory to me, and he always told me that I was beautiful. We've been through infertility treatments, a miscarriage, several health scares, and a lot of things. Now I'm losing weight he tells me that he's very proud of me and he always encourages me. I guess my concern is that you may have seen a preview of how seriously your fiance takes the whole "in sickness and in health" part of marriage.

squatsandlipgloss

If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?

Same. Regardless of how he feels about your behavior the past weeks, if he loves you so much, why would he hurt you like that? Willingly? It doesn't matter at ALL how "true" or "untrue" you feel you getting out of shape is, a person that truly loves you would find a different way to motivate you instead of choosing words to put you down. Not good, girl.. Not good.

cidalia73

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

Exactly. You're an adult, and it's your choice to eat right/exercise when you're good and ready. He's not the boss of you. His attitude will only contribute to your feelings of depression, so he needs to come up with a more supportive way to, well, support you.

dawnsjourney

I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

This was my first thought as well.

TS65

I met my husband at 135. I got up to 195 which I stayed at for quite a few years. My husband still "fancy's" me - and tells me so.

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health..." I think they need to add thin or fat to those vows.

If he doesn't fancy you over a few pounds, I don't want to know how he'll feel after you have had a child or started to age or get cancer or get into an accident and are paralyzed.

Find someone who will love you for you, not based on something that can change so easily.

awetherell

You poor darling. That's not a nice thing to hear from anyone. My boyfriend suggested a few years ago that he would find me less attractive if I gained any more weight and that shocked me into making a change. It could be that he was only trying to do the same thing as he is worried about your changing lifestyle due to your stress at work. I guess, if he was used to you running a lot and seeming to be very motivated to suddenly witnessing it all change, he is bound to be worried. He probably didn't expect you to be so hurt by the comment (if he's never been chubby before he won't know how sensitive and vulnerable it can make people).

BUT, I think it is very important that you don't take everything people say on here at face value. MFP is a wonderful community and we are all here to help each other, but no one here will know what your relationship with your fiancé really is. He may or may not ultimately be right for you, but only you and perhaps those who know you both well as a couple can answer that. Don't think it is irreparable because some people here have suggested it is.

Think about who you are and why you and your fiancé love each other and perhaps talk to him about what he meant and why it hurt you so much. Don't run away from it, but try to use it as motivation to help you along. You don't seem happy with the way your life is at the moment and exercise could make you happier in the short-term (even if it is difficult to drag yourself out, it's nearly always worth it) and in the long-term if it makes you both happier and healthier as a couple, it is worth it. You have to do it for the right reasons though, not because you're afraid he will stop fancying you again.

I hope this helps. Just remember to love yourself regardless of how you feel each day and to know your body is worth looking after for so many different reasons. xx

Jziller

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

My thoughts exactly. I was married to man and there were small hints like this before we got married and after the wedding it got worst and worst. Love isn't defined by the way one looks. He should love you whether you’re blue, bald or fat. Marriage is a long term commitment and he needs to love you for you, not your body. I'm married to a new man that shows me this every day and I wish I would have known what true love was before I married my first husband. What happens if, god forbid, you get cancer and lose your hair and lose your muscle tone, will he be there? What happens if you get pregnant and have a hard losing the pregnancy weight as lot of women do, will he still love you then. I'm not saying to leave him but definitely think long and hard about your decision. Marriage should be for life and divorce is hard thing to go thru.

barbaratrollman

Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.

Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.

I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.

Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.

I completely agree with him. ^
If I really love somebody, I'm not going to quit begin attracted to him because he's put on 20 pounds. I don't think that is the way genuine, life-long lasting love works. It shouldn't be dependent upon physical appearance.

I would have been deeply hurt by a comment like that too and I would be questioning whether he was the right guy for me. If I'm making a for-life commitment with a man, I sure need to feel like his love goes too deeply to change if something happens with the way I look. I mean, we are going to get old and wrinkly and grey someday, right?

baileybiddles

It sounds like this relationship was already in trouble to begin with, as much as I hate to say that to you. Obviously he is shallow and superficial to say you're in a downward spiral because you skipped a run and bought dinner out. He was rude and nasty to you. There's way to be honest TACTFULLY, not in a hurtful way.

I think you are young, beautiful, and you deserve someone who loves you regardless of your appearance. When I met my fiance I weighed 140. I was at my highest weight, 203, six months ago when I started my journey, and he still thinks I am drop dead gorgeous and sexy. When you love somebody, you love them regardless of physical changes. What will your fiance do if you stay together and have children? Think about stretch marks and permanent changes to your breasts and belly. Can he handle that? It doesn't seem that way to me.

pnubn1

Wow..some of these responses floor me. I hope..I reeaallly hope that some of you don't find yourselves in a situation where you NEED someone to take care of you..in any way. Because I can see there are wayyy too many people on here who will, and have walked out on someone because of something petty and fixable. Too many people are stuck on stupid...and willing to throw a relationship away because of weight gain........really?

Well...karma is a b¡+€h......and she will come for you eventually...and be prepared to take what you dish out.

Weight can come off.......stupid can't.

xidia

So what would the women of MFP do if they no longer fancied the man in their life?

I guess they wouldn't tell them because that would be bullying and emotional abuse.

People stop finding other people attractive sometimes, it happens, both ways.

Be glad it happened before you got married, but this isn't some kind of hate crime.

For starters, I'm attracted to personality, not looks. I fancy my fiance, and always have, for his humour, his intelligence, and the way he can light up my world with a single look. I've been with a range of body sizes & shapes over the years, and it doesn't matter so long as the personality connection is there.

So if I stopped fancying him, it would be because either my personality had changed to no longer find his attractive, or his had changed. Either way, that's a sign that's something is wrong, because something has caused that level of change. So we'd talk about it, figure out what it was, and work out if/how to change it back. If we can't, then we look at whether we can live with what we've (now) got. That's what a long term relationship is about.

I can't tell you what I'd do if I stopped fancying someone I was only with for their physique because looks are neither necessary nor sufficient for me. (Which is not to say I don't have my share of celebrity and internet eye candy, just that I clearly separate what I want in my daily life with someone from what I drool over when I'm feeling louche.)

laceyasher

I dated a guy who was controlling like this... and let's just say there are WAY better choices in the sea. How is he going to react if you have kids, and CAN'T lose the weight. That's what happened to me. There is a difference between fancying someone and truly loving them. If he feels he has to tell you he "doesn't fancy you anymore" then that should be a huge red flag. It's not easy for anyone, but women more than men, to gain weight and not feel comfortable in their own skin. When my hubby and I met, I was about 160lbs. I'm currently over 200 (and 4 kids later) and he tells me every day that he loves me more now than he did the day he married me. That's the kind of relationship you should be in. Not one that is based solely on your physical appearance.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

I think you really missed it.
She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.

They really should break up and allow him to find someone who isn't the kind of person who pretends to be someone she isn't for five years. That's five YEARS of her being dishonest with someone she claims to love. One could even say she took five years away from him where he could have found someone who was legitimately more compatible with him and not pretending.

I don't think I would like it either. I'd probably be a jerk to someone who lied to me for five years and only pretended to be the active person. But that's just me. She shouldn't have been so dishonest for so many years.

See what I did there?

msamwhite

First, you have to do it to be happy with you. And I've learned through my weight loss/health journey that support of the people close to you is the ultimate motivation. Bullying doesn't motivate...it puts down. In order to motivate a person, one must inspire or support them. Also, don't allow food to comfort you...been there...ate that...it only makes things worse in the long run...both health and self esteem. Exercise allows you to relieve stress and burn calories. Find a workout that you love and pour your energy into it each day...visit the gym and run on the treadmill with your inspirational music blasting through your headphones. It helps...don't give up on yourself and don't allow anyone else to bring your further down. Once YOU fancy you, you'll be just fine.

Grumpy2208

The real question is - after you have finished your education, got a better job which makes you happier, lost the wee weight which is dragging you down, get to the other end of the tunnel with so much more confidence and peace within yourself - would you still "fancy" HIM?.

SoDamnHungry

I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?

The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.

At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.

This.

And I really have to agree that you skipping meals to get down to a size 8 seems really unhealthy. Was this guy's regimen really a good influence?

EmmaJackson130

I'm sorry but that sucks, its insensitive and thoughtless. You are planning on spending your life with this man, having children and ageing. How will he feel with your post pregnancy body, ageing body if he stops fancying you when you are just a size 12.

If he loves you he loves you, when you are in a long term relationship sex isn't just about the physical act, it is an expression of your bond.

At my heaviest I was 285, I'm still obese but working on it. My husband has never asked me to lose weight. He tells me I am beautiful everyday and he wants to make love to me. Fancying someone when you are in a serious long term relationship should come down to much more than aesthetics.

Sorry to sound preachy but I actually cant believe he said this to you.

selina884

Well lets be fair,

From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.

You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.