My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
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You women are all the same. You b*tch and moan about us not communicating enough, not expressing our feelings, etc. But when we tell you how we feel we somehow turn into the "abusive, controlling" one because you don't like what we are saying.BTW, telling someone you aren't attracted to them anywhere is FAR from abusive language (or controlling behavior for that matter) ....if you want verbal abuse I can provide real examples.
BINGO!0 -
You women are all the same. You b*tch and moan about us not communicating enough, not expressing our feelings, etc. But when we tell you how we feel we somehow turn into the "abusive, controlling" one because you don't like what we are saying.
BTW, telling someone you aren't attracted to them anywhere is FAR from abusive language (or controlling behavior for that matter) ....if you want verbal abuse I can provide real examples.
I am not one of those women. I find it absolutely insane that people are calling this guy every name under the sun and they haven't even met him or heard his side of the story...0 -
Run, very fast and very far!!!! :devil:0
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I think you really need to talk things through with him, and reconsider your relationship. It is possible he has decided that he doesn't want to get married and is trying to push you away.
This makes me realize how lucky I am with my boyfriend. I was probably around 160-170 when my boyfriend and I met. Through the first three years of our relationship, I lost around 50 lbs due to an eating disorder. Also due to an eating disorder, I ended up gaining 60 lbs back. Since then, I've lost 30 lbs of that. Throughout all of this, my boyfriend has said not a word beyond he loves me, and he constantly reassured me I was beautiful when I had down days. When I felt guilty for taking a day "off" from working out, he reassured me that I probably needed it, and it wouldn't hurt anything. Our sex life has been no different at ANY stage. THAT is what should happen when someone loves you (although I DO wish he had said something when I got to my lowest weight).0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?
might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?
you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?
There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.
"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.
That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.
Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.
A 12 hour work day is not laughable. Don't be a douche.
Don't be lazy. People use their jobs as an excuse all the time on here to sit on the couch and eat too much. The fact that you can't see that this is what she's doing says more about you than her. I have an awesome spouse and we push each other. Both of us have worked far more hours than this and still managed to have kids and a social life that involved exercise. Sitting in front of the TV is neither good for the OP's health or her relationship. What's wrong with a walk with her fiance? Oh yea, she's too tired from all that sitting at work . . .
You fail at being a troll. So you work 8am to 8pm or longer, still have time for a commute (if there is one) kids and exercise and adequate sleep? lol
Yes. Lots of people do. I guess if that's your view of things so be it.
By all means, please post your schedule because we would all love to know how you work more than 12 hours in a day and still have time to do everything else.
How many hours do you think most professionals work in a day? Doctors, lawyers, fund managers, investment bankers, etc. for the most part consider 12 hour days the base line. It's about scheduling your days and priorities. If the OP and her fiance are not compatible, so be it, but I know plenty of people with demanding jobs that manage to stay in great shape. It's simply a matter of whether you want it or not. Yes, you can always say "it's too hard" but that is almost always an excuse. She has time to sit in front of the TV, right? Then she has time to go for a walk. She'll sleep better, have time to talk through relationship problems with her fiance (rather than whining on the internetz), and look and feel better for it. But, by all means, just continue to pat her on the back and say it's okay.0 -
"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.
So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:
Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!
Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.
Ummm, actually people are encouraging her to stick up for herself. This has nothing to do with weight. She's already watching her calories, and if you look at her pics, she's actually quite healthy right now. All of us cheer on those who make healthy change for themselves.
This is a basic argument of whether a person can dictate his significant other to be exactly what he wants, and yes, many people do have control issues. A lot of us have been there, and we are outing her SO as a control freak. That does not make it normal or okay. A person should not control another person. If you really think that's healthy then you have never known true love.0 -
How many hours do you think most professionals work in a day? Doctors, lawyers, fund managers, investment bankers, etc. for the most part consider 12 hour days the base line. It's about scheduling your days and priorities. If the OP and her fiance are not compatible, so be it, but I know plenty of people with demanding jobs that manage to stay in great shape. It's simply a matter of whether you want it or not. Yes, you can always say "it's too hard" but that is almost always an excuse. She has time to sit in front of the TV, right? Then she has time to go for a walk. She'll sleep better, have time to talk through relationship problems with her fiance (rather than whining on the internetz), and look and feel better for it. But, by all means, just continue to pat her on the back and say it's okay.
THIS!0 -
I am sorry to say this, but at this stage in your relationship, this just gives an indication that he truly does not love you. He is insensitive and superficial. You don't want to spend your life with someone like that. After you are married and you have children and you get older, what will he say then????? I have gained 40 pounds since I was married, and my husband has gained 100 pounds! We both truly love each other, and we recognize the struggles of day-to-day life. We are supporting each other, and we sure wouldn't say anything close to what he said to you. You want someone who is going to be there for you in the long haul - no matter what! God forbid something happened to you in the future, like an accident, and you couldn't walk any more, or whatever - this is not the guy who is going to be there for you and get you through the ups and downs of life.
When he comes home, unless he totally changes his tune and truly apologizes for what he said, I would tell him that you do not believe the relationship can continue because you can't count on him to truly be your partner for the rest of your life. My strong advice is that you should not marry this guy! Sorry!0 -
"wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"
You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.
So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:
Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!
Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.
Ummm, actually people are encouraging her to stick up for herself. This has nothing to do with weight. She's already watching her calories, and if you look at her pics, she's actually quite healthy right now. All of us cheer on those who make healthy change for themselves.
This is a basic argument of whether a person can dictate his significant other to be exactly what he wants, and yes, many people do have control issues. A lot of us have been there, and we are outing her SO as a control freak. That does not make it normal or okay. A person should not control another person. If you really think that's healthy then you have never known true love.
Read her profile. She says she's lazy. If she wants to change then she should change. If she wants to whine on the internetz then by all means keep up supporting her whining like so many of you do.
Maybe her SO is a control freak and maybe he's not. You assume he's a control freak because you're projecting those attributes onto him, perhaps because of your past relationships. All we have is what she has written. Sitting on the couch and eating crappy take out in front of the TV is a legitimate life decision, but it's not healthy. And it's certainly not going to help her relationship with someone that she knows is into fitness and exercise, and who enjoyed spending time with her pursuing that. If she wants the sedentary life then she should leave him, but it's not his fault any more than it's her fault.0 -
It makes me want to hit my head off a brick wall when I see women posting in this thread, saying things like "well, at least he's being honest and giving you a heads up so you can change for the better!" :huh: Life is about so much more than having a man, any man, validate you. If your partner can't support you when you're going through a tough time or encourage you to make healthy choices without being an insensitive, rude, obnoxious, shallow twunt, what kind of a man is he?
What happens when something really serious happens, like illness, pregnancy, redundancy? Is he going to have another tantrum because you don't want to go running or you choose a take away because can't be bothered cooking sometimes? If he cared a damn he could have had something healthy prepared for you to eat when you got home, not sit with a face like a slapped *kitten* whining about "downward spirals" and not fancying you. Does he realise that the world does not revolve around what makes his **** twitch? Does he care at all about the stress you are under? With a fiance like him, no wonder you're feeling stressed, unenthusiastic, depressed and "rebelling" against his standards.0 -
Im not reading through 15 pages to come up with an original reply...but come to the darskside and come on over :flowerforyou:0
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Read her profile. She says she's lazy. If she wants to change then she should change. If she wants to whine on the internetz then by all means keep up supporting her whining like so many of you do.
Maybe her SO is a control freak and maybe he's not. You assume he's a control freak because you're projecting those attributes onto him, perhaps because of your past relationships. All we have is what she has written. Sitting on the couch and eating crappy take out in front of the TV is a legitimate life decision, but it's not healthy. And it's certainly not going to help her relationship with someone that she knows is into fitness and exercise, and who enjoyed spending time with her pursuing that. If she wants the sedentary life then she should leave him, but it's not his fault any more than it's her fault.
There have been times in my relationship though thank goodness we've worked through them where my hubby made me feel like I was a failure even when I wasn't. If I had claimed I was a failure because I felt like one because of the things he said to me....was I really? No.
(My husband at the time was experiencing depression issues caused by horrible work environment and he brought all his frustrations home to me)
*edited to delete all the quote trees...they get too long.0 -
My college boyfriend told me the same thing. My weight gain was his "excuse" to cheat on me. Now I am with someone who has loved me thin, fat, thin with droopy skin, and thin with plastic surgery scars. He loves me, period. I am so thankful to not have to worry about someone falling out of love with me because of my weight. It is a very peaceful feeling.0
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You women are all the same. You b*tch and moan about us not communicating enough, not expressing our feelings, etc. But when we tell you how we feel we somehow turn into the "abusive, controlling" one because you don't like what we are saying.
BTW, telling someone you aren't attracted to them anywhere is FAR from abusive language (or controlling behavior for that matter) ....if you want verbal abuse I can provide real examples.
I am not one of those women. I find it absolutely insane that people are calling this guy every name under the sun and they haven't even met him or heard his side of the story...
I second that0 -
Break up with him. Seriously.0
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I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
This is very well stated.
It is your life and your decision, but you deserve to be with a man that loves you no matter what you look like.
We teach people how to treat us. If you allow him to treat you with disrespect, he will. Repeatedly. And if you treat yourself and speak about yourself badly, you teach people how to speak to you and think about you.
Think about it. Best of luck. :flowerforyou:0 -
It could be that she says she's lazy but he tells her she is being lazy. It could be because he makes her feel lazy with the words he says to her.
There have been times in my relationship though thank goodness we've worked through them where my hubby made me feel like I was a failure even when I wasn't. If I had claimed I was a failure because I felt like one because of the things he said to me....was I really? No.
(My husband at the time was experiencing depression issues caused by horrible work environment and he brought all his frustrations home to me)0 -
How many hours do you think most professionals work in a day? Doctors, lawyers, fund managers, investment bankers, etc. for the most part consider 12 hour days the base line. It's about scheduling your days and priorities. If the OP and her fiance are not compatible, so be it, but I know plenty of people with demanding jobs that manage to stay in great shape. It's simply a matter of whether you want it or not. Yes, you can always say "it's too hard" but that is almost always an excuse. She has time to sit in front of the TV, right? Then she has time to go for a walk. She'll sleep better, have time to talk through relationship problems with her fiance (rather than whining on the internetz), and look and feel better for it. But, by all means, just continue to pat her on the back and say it's okay.
Most people in those professions don't have children to tend to. Psh, my doctor works less hours than I do. They open at 9am and close at 3pm. If you are working 12 plus hour days and add in 30-1 hour commute, I'm asking where do you have the time to take time out for yourself and your children? Do you just say hi to your kids, tuck them in and then go spend 2 hours at the gym? You are missing the point.
I've been working 12 hour days. It sucks. I wake up at 6am, get ready, get my daughter ready, get out the house by 7:30, get to work before 8am, work until 8pm, get home by 8:30pm, go over what my daughter did at school, check homework, do story time, tuck in. It's now after 9pm. Then I make dinner for myself which takes until about 10pmish. By the time I'm done eating dinner (because I don't eat microwave stuff I can bring to work and I hate eating at my desk) it's 10:30ish. I have time to look over mail, do light house work, and then look at the alarm clock to see how many hours of sleep I can get before the alarm goes off again at 6. Now I do 30-45 minutes of Zumba on the Kinect because with this new temp schedule until my position is filled so I can go to my new dept, I haven't had time to drive to the gym before they close. I could go after work, but I'd rather see my kid than go to the gym after work.
For you to just brush it off like it's so easy peasy to do 12+ hour days and still have time for family is a joke. I only have to do 12 hour days for the next 3 weeks and I can't wait to be back down to my normal 7.5 hours.
But I hope you enjoy your perfect life.0 -
Read her profile. She says she's lazy. If she wants to change then she should change. If she wants to whine on the internetz then by all means keep up supporting her whining like so many of you do.
Maybe her SO is a control freak and maybe he's not. You assume he's a control freak because you're projecting those attributes onto him, perhaps because of your past relationships. All we have is what she has written. Sitting on the couch and eating crappy take out in front of the TV is a legitimate life decision, but it's not healthy. And it's certainly not going to help her relationship with someone that she knows is into fitness and exercise, and who enjoyed spending time with her pursuing that. If she wants the sedentary life then she should leave him, but it's not his fault any more than it's her fault.
There have been times in my relationship though thank goodness we've worked through them where my hubby made me feel like I was a failure even when I wasn't. If I had claimed I was a failure because I felt like one because of the things he said to me....was I really? No.
(My husband at the time was experiencing depression issues caused by horrible work environment and he brought all his frustrations home to me)
*edited to delete all the quote trees...they get too long.
True. But then again, only she has control over her. Someone can only control you if you choose to be controlled. It all comes back to her and her motivation. She gets up and works out, or not. She takes a walk with him and works out their relationship issues, or not. She sits on the couch and allows life to pass her by, or not. And if he is the cartoonish controlling *kitten* most everyone here has made him out to be, she leaves him, or not. She has to take responsibility, period.0 -
what a douche. get out, now.0
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It's good that he figured it out before you were married.0
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Dude, your fiance is a *kitten*. There is a difference between being supportive and just being an all out *kitten* with no tact. His statements lead me to believe that when you are in your 50's, and you really can't help things falling somewhat out of line due to gravity, that he will be chatting up the younger crowd of perky women. Or perhaps he will even cheat before that if you take too much time regaining your little figure. I don't know him, but I just get that vibe from what I read (which is obviously slanted to your side of things, but still).
I don't know, when my husband started putting on some weight a few years ago I would start cooking healthier for him and suggesting outdoor activities, like baseball with the kids and what have you.0 -
I think that he could have chosen his words more wisely but at least he is being honest. My husband and I have had this conversation before... if either one of us gets lazy, fat and unealthy, we would have to voice our opinion and require change. As heartless as it sounds, I married my husband because I like his passion for going to the gym and I love his six pack! He was attracted to my nice, thick legs and flat stomach. He even told me that he would never let me get a boob job because he loves what I have. It would be unfair to him to change physically and mentally (stop caring about fitness and health). There might be even more to it as well. Maybe you have been acting differently due to work stress. Try to get to the bottom of it and then go for a 20-30 minute run. 20-30 minutes a day to work out is very do able. You would be happy with yourself as well. Don't do it for him but realize that he has expectations/standards as well. It is understandable that you are going through a phase, but a ring on a finger or the words "I love you" do not negate the fact that this man doesnt like the change he has seen in you. If he can't support you no matter what, then you don't need him in your life. Either way, you have to decide what you need to change in your life.0
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Very sorry to hear this. I've always thought that losing weight and getting healthy should be something you do for yourself. Not something that you do for others. You can help others get healthy, but you shouldn't try to negatively punish others, especially for things that they're already sensitive about. Sadly, my own husband has made similar comments to me in the past. I won't get into what he said, because it's all in the past and he's always apologized, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. No one is perfect. My feelings were hurt. He felt like an as$. We got over it (although clearly I never forgot). I wouldn't leave him, but I'd make sure he knew that what he said hurt your feelings and that if he wants to help you and support you in your goals, he has to do it positively or else not at all.
Good luck to you! You are very beautiful! I'd fancy you if I were in to that kind of thing!0 -
P.S. Although your man does sound like an *kitten* in the context of this behaviour, don't be influenced by people telling you to break up with him just because they're only seeing him in this light. I completely understand how this feels, which is why I never tell anyone if I'm having a hiccup in my relationship. It's too easy for people to say "leave him" and make it seem like there is some perfect man out there, when there isn't. If the pros outweigh the cons, and overall you're happy, there's no reason to leave, just lay down some boundaries and keep him in check.
I understand this POV, I really do.
But it will not get better. You need to understand that. Judgmental people do not change. Say you lose weight and he fancies you again. fabulous. As you age, have children, etc., he may decide he doesn't fancy you again. How many times do you want to go through that? How sh!tty do you want to feel about yourself over and over again?
No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I was in a manipulative relationship for ten years with my first husband, so I do speak from experience.0 -
I think there is more to this than your weight...
I am sorry for your situation but this def requires a sit down with him.0 -
No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I don't think many people here would tell her to stay with him if he really was saying "I don't fancy you because you regained that weight." At that point, we would likely all agree on her best move, but we can't know those details, so we shouldn't just assume that he's an shallow *kitten* that only cares about how she looks.0 -
time to move on.0
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It sounds like you still have a couple of hours before he gets home. Pack a bag and leave for a bit. If he feels like he doesn't fancy you anymore, maybe showing him what life is like without you might change his crappy attitude. And it is HIS attitude, nothing you did. He might have been being "honest" and yes, honesty is the best policy, HOWEVER, the way he did it was rude, unloving, shallow, and mean. Can you live with him for the rest of your life if he is going to treat you like that?0
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No, there is not a perfect man out there. But there are men out there that love women no matter what the number on the scale reads. My husband has loved me (and fancied me) at my highest and lowest weight. Never has he belittled me for looking a certain way. But he has told me that my confidence - THE WAY I SPEAK AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF - can have an impact on his attraction towards me on a daily basis, not overall.
I don't think many people here would tell her to stay with him if he really was saying "I don't fancy you because you regained that weight." At that point, we would likely all agree on her best move, but we can't know those details, so we shouldn't just assume that he's an shallow *kitten* that only cares about how she looks.
You have a point, but not much of one I'm afraid. 20 pounds, in the grand scheme of things, is not "a downward spiral" nor is it an excuse to say something like "I don't fancy you".
If OP was morbidly obese, or putting herself at risk for health issues, that would be a different matter entirely. But as many people have mentioned, how can this supposedly wonderful fiancee of hers be prepared to handle her having a baby or getting an illness that may cause her to lose weight or be "less attractive" some other way, if he can't even handle her gaining 20 pounds? If you look at her pictures she is still beautiful and I'm not sure why any man wouldn't want her.
If they are preparing to spend the rest of their lives together they can't decide they don't want each other at the first small obstacle like this. That would be like my boyfriend of 6 months saying to me "Well, you're still a really long way away from your goal weight. I'm sorry but I just don't fancy you like this, I'm going to wait until you've lost more and then you'll be hot."
I wouldn't take that kind of attitude and neither should OP.0
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