My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

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  • HotCuppaJo
    HotCuppaJo Posts: 477 Member
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    I didn't read all 9 pages of responses before me, but I can only imagine you are receiving a lot of conflicting advice. Having been in your shoes before w/ a previous fiance' who dictated and bullied me into doing what HE wanted, I have to say. You, in your heart, know what the right thing is to do. It's just scary, especially after five years, to think of starting over.... His actions are making you feel less-than. No fiance', husband, boyfriend, friend, Mother....ANYONE who loves you...would ever intentionally want to make you feel less-than, and yet HE thinks it's ok. It's not. And, you have to know that if he thinks this is ok NOW, he'll do this kind've *kitten* the rest of your lives together.... If it's not the weight, it'll become something else, because it sounds as if that is just the way he is.....

    You have to fancy YOURSELF, first, hon... And, if he's dragging you down, (intentionally, no less) then it might be time to think of making that first step to making yourself feel whole,....you can't do that with someone who constantly cuts you down. xoxo
  • MissKitty9
    MissKitty9 Posts: 224 Member
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    He sounds like a controlling bully. You claim to have been happy & confident at a size 12 when you met him, but then he seems to have manipulated you into feeling worse about yourself---so you start exercising with him & skipping meals. That's not healthy.

    Now that you've been stressed & unable to go run with him as much, he's tearing you completely down & making you feel like a failure. That's not what a supportive partner does. It really shouldn't MATTER to him what your exercise routine is unless he's trying to whip you into his own selfish vision of a "perfect" woman. And from my perspective, that's what he's doing.

    I would leave.
  • turkeyhunter60
    turkeyhunter60 Posts: 319 Member
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    He's an abuser. You need to bail. Then, get healthy, and fit, for yourself.
  • aries7298
    aries7298 Posts: 225 Member
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    I'm confused... you gained back the 20 lbs you ORIGINALLY "had" when you first met him? Those 20lbs couldn't have bothered him too much then.... so why the big difference now? sounds like something more is at the bottom of this....
  • lfergurson1
    lfergurson1 Posts: 137 Member
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    To be honest I would thank him for his honesty... then work on your career education and self no one needs to hear that thats not going to help you. Because if someone doesnt fancy you enough said. But this is for me. Those words would sting but i would prefer you are in a slump and you used to take far better care of yourself. I never wanna be with a man whos pretty much saying hey you arent hot so I want something better.. NEXT
  • bluebuggy1970
    bluebuggy1970 Posts: 70 Member
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    Not much I can say, sometimes men are just *kitten*.... It is hard to juggle stressful work and school, good luck and trust your heart.
    Hugs.....
  • lfergurson1
    lfergurson1 Posts: 137 Member
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    bump
  • pnubn1
    pnubn1 Posts: 339 Member
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    It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
    Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
    Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
    Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.

    This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.

    What about HER needs? Why does she have to completely change who she is.....just to please him?
    What has HE done to please her? A relationship shouldn't be based on what one person does to please the other...but what they BOTH do to make the other one feel special and loved. He should be her biggest fan regardless.....why should she have to fit into a certain size FIRST?

    Because really...if SIZE is what truly matters....alot of men would be single and lonely.
  • familykouf
    familykouf Posts: 2 Member
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    I can't GET my husband to say one negative word. I always ask him, "Don't you think I am fat?", "Can't you tell that I have gained 15 Pounds?" and he always replies, "Nope." I am the one in the bedroom saying that he does not have to do anything, I am so discusted at myself, but he says, "You turn me on babe." And he is always ready to go, and over turned on. He wants me to loose weight if that is what I want to do, and for health reasons most definately. But he never says a word about my weight even though over the past 8 years of marriage I have gone from 220 to 270pounds. I am a cow, but he married me big, and he is not phased by my weight gain. Now I am graduating with my B.A in May, and I am going to loose all of this before I start interviewing for jobs. He has just been nothing but supportive.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    You need to find someone else. I was married too, was with him for 3 years when we got married, then things got tough, I got depressed, gained some weight back, and he left me. So I totally relate, and I can tell you it won't go anywhere. That guy is in love with an image of you that isn't the real you.

    And you say you don't like jogging now... so don't do it. Find something else you like to do. Maybe find a gym with classes that could motivate you again.
  • axialmeow
    axialmeow Posts: 382 Member
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    He sounds super, super lame. Sorry.
  • valey1234
    valey1234 Posts: 29
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    First of all you need to do this for you ok? takeing care of your health losing weight and exercise is a very Individualized and personal thing. I dont know your boyfriend but if he loves you he should be more understanding . you both need to talk to each other now not after your married. good luck. valey1234
  • fayeonherway
    fayeonherway Posts: 204
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    Well lets be fair,

    From the get go, you have lived to his expectations. You chose to be the person he wanted you to be from the start of the relationship. Now you cannot maintain it, therefore it is your problem an not his.

    You shouldve set some boundaries from the beginning and shown him YOU are a strong independant woman who wont mold into someone he wants.

    THIS!!! SO MUCH OF THIS!!!!!! QFT!!!!

    You decided to change who you are to fit someone else's mold. While he lacks tact, I can't really fault him because you gave him that control. Now that 'life' is happening (school, hours, exhaustion, lack of motivation) and you can no longer meet his expectations, it seems right that he'd stop fancying you.

    Not sure f you are considering kids in the future but from what I gather your body can change drastically. Additionally, kids eat up your time. How will he manage with this?
  • wllwsmmr
    wllwsmmr Posts: 391 Member
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    While I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and my opinions are based on this isolated incident that you just posted, but what I get from this is that you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't feel comfortable with.. Doesn't seem like you're gonna be happy. Also, it is not healthy to have your self esteem hanging at his every word. He is a classic control freak. You have lost your SELF being with him. If I were you I would leave. I wouldn't wanna live in fear for the rest of my life.

    If you're going to stick with him, I'd suggest couples therapy asap. I don't think you'd be able to handle him just by talking things through yourselves.

    Good luck babe from what I see, you deserve better
  • selina884
    selina884 Posts: 826 Member
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    It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
    Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
    Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
    Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.

    This ^^^ He is he giving heads up that to continue in a relationship with him, fitness needs to be a higher priority for you. He is letting you know what is important to him and giving you the time and knowledge of this. If you make fitness a higher priority, I bet he will be your biggest fan and supporter. If you do not want to do that, then consider the writing on the wall. You are in control.

    What about HER needs? Why does she have to completely change who she is.....just to please him?
    What has HE done to please her? A relationship shouldn't be based on what one person does to please the other...but what they BOTH do to make the other one feel special and loved. He should be her biggest fan regardless.....why should she have to fit into a certain size FIRST?

    Because really...if SIZE is what truly matters....alot of men would be single and lonely.

    Yes what you said is right but she's already said that she picked up HIS lifestyle when she entered this relationship. The basic dynamics are just that, she moulded herself into his lifestyle, he remained the same.
    Now, she can't keep up and he's seeing someone hes never seen before.

    Its her problem, moral of the story; be YOU!
  • Amyjobran
    Amyjobran Posts: 1
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    SO what his problem not yours. If he makes you feel like that now imagine when you are older. Lose the weight so you don't need him to make you feel better about yourself.When someone loves you a little extra weight wont matter. You are a beautiful girl dont ever let anyone make you feel differently. :glasses:
  • melsy21
    melsy21 Posts: 193 Member
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    Not sure what you're worried about, you look perfect to me... Gorgeous too!
  • salgalbp
    salgalbp Posts: 218 Member
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    I'm sure this has been said. But honey PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT MARRY this person! I know you have 5yrs invested into the relationship and it'll be hard to break away. It'll be harder later.
    Please LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to break away now. PLEASE!
  • norrisski
    norrisski Posts: 1,217 Member
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    There is a great book out there called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think there is something deeper going on in your relationship then the weight which the book might help you with.
  • Maddalen101
    Maddalen101 Posts: 307 Member
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    He doesn't FANCY you? that is not a way a fiance talks. Kick him to the kerb. you'll find someone better, absolutely.

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