My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
-
20 pounds is not a whole lot for someone that supposedly loves you to all of a sudden not fancy you any more. What's he going to do when you get pregnant and you have baby weight to deal with afterwards? It is his problem,and sounds like maybe there is something else going on besides you gaining a few pounds. How has been otherwise? Maybe he's getting cold feet? I know we don't know each other, but I've been around the block a time or two, and this is definitely a red flag.0
-
I don't personally know you or him, but since you posted in a public forum wanting advice....here goes.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. He sounds like a bit of a bully. Where is the unconditional love and compassion for a partner who is very obviously going through a hard time? His workout routine is his. I understand him wanting you to be healthy, but if he doesn't "fancy" you because you've gained 20 lbs there are bigger underlying issues there.
What happens 20 years into marriage when you both have aged, begun to wrinkle, and the stress of children, work, and/or life has you pulled apart? That's when your connection is REALLY going to matter. If he is THAT concerned with your vanity over your sanity, proceed with caution. A spouse is supposed to encourage and build you up, not tear you down.0 -
I know I already commented on your post, but I just read this and think it's worth sharing. Pay particular attention to the last sentence.
This should warm your soul on a cold day...TRUE LOVE ..(A Doctor's note) Must Read n share
It was approximately 8.30 a.m. on a busy morning when an elderly gentleman in his eighties arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9.00 a.m.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat. I knew it would take more than an hour before someone would to able to attend to him. I saw him check his watch anxi...ously for the time and decided to evaluate his wound since I was not busy with another patient.
On examination, the wound was well healed. Hence, I talked to one of the doctors to get the supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
We began to engage in a conversation while I was taking care of his wound. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment later as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no and said that he needed to go to the nursing home to have breakfast with his wife.
I inquired about her health. He told me that she had been in the nursing home for a while as she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. I probed further and asked if she would be upset if he was slightly late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was and she had not been able to recognize him since five years ago.
I asked him in surprise, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back my tears as he left.
I had goose bumps on my arm, and I thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.0 -
Look I figure there are other issues at play here too. Talk to him and sort it out, this probably isn't just about your weight.0
-
There have been many responses and I don't know if you will see this one, but it will be short and sweet.
1) Don't let anyone make you feel unattractive or worth less than the highest order. You are a beautiful woman regardless of size and deserve to be treated that way in a loving, caring relationship.
2) I can see why he may be frustrated if he is a fitness or running fanatic how he would miss that time with you if you had come to do that together as well as be frustrated that you were not as healthy, as he would want that as to have you as long as possible.
3) The comment is unacceptable. He can find a more tactful, loving way to express his disappointment. If he is upset at the lack of spending that running (bonding) time with you or that it is affecting your health because he loves you, I understand. If his complaint is based fully on your looks changing, this is not a loving relationship from his end and you should consider moving on.
I say this because my wife was at a certain weight when we met, went up 40 with our daughter, lost 50 and gained back 30. She is now 20 lb heavier and 10 years older than when we met and I am more attracted to her now and lover her more than ever. Of course I think she is beautiful, but that is not the main reason for the love or attraction. It is because I love her as a person. Of course I love her to look nice which I think she has at any weight she has been at since we have been together. I also want her to be healthy so she lives as long as possible with me. I would never disparage her though, but would try to encourage her and voice my concern for her health. Again, it seems his main issue is with the weight and the looks, If that is the case - red flag. If it is deeper and he just voiced in a really bad choice of words, you can work to get past that. Just think about what you really want in a relationship before you stay and end up in a bad marriage that could be undone just for looks. Best of luck.
Chris0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
This is some sage advice. It's not about how he feels, it's about how he makes you feel. I've been thin and fat with my husband of almost 18 years, and every day he calls me beautiful, hugs me and treats me no different at any weight. Would he like me to be thinner? I'm sure he would. I would like to be thinner too. But he does not ever make me feel less
I wish you well, and hope that you find peace.0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?
might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?
you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?
There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.
"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.
That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.
Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.0 -
Oh no... Do not marry him!!! My husband tells me I'm beautiful whether I'm at my lightest or heaviest. He's not an idiot. He knows I'm overweight and flabby, but he also takes into consideration our life stresses. When I ask him about it he says that he does want me to be healthier, but he still loves me and wants to be physical with me. I say the same to him.
It is one thing for your fiance to say something like that and then say he is wrong, but he is sticking to his guns. This guy seems very superficial to me. When you marry someone you agree to love them for better or worse (fat or thin). People naturally gain weight over the course of their lives. Is he just going to judge you and "not fancy you" every time you gain some weight? Don't have kids then..
Honestly, don't you think you will always be wondering if you are thin enough for him?? If you don't lose the weight is he just going to check out emotionally or leave??
There is a man out there that will love you through thick and thin (and I'm not just talking about your *kitten*), and if there isn't it's better to be alone than to have someone sleeping next to you and STILL being alone... Get what I mean??0 -
Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.
Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.
I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.
Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.
This.
And don't marry him. I'm sorry, but unless he would submit to some serious communication and counseling that would maybe open his eyes to see what real love and support is in a marriage, NO.0 -
If you still fancy him and want to still be in the relationship, I think it is time for a tough talk. Everyone has brought up a lot of great questions. I would get together a list (mental or paper) of questions you think are important.
For me, it would be things like:
1. When you told me you didn't fancy me anymore, were you trying to motivate me or is there a serious problem with our relationship?
2. You know I'm not comfortable with my current weight but what if I was? If I was happy at this weight, could you love me as I am?
3. As we age, our bodies will definitely change. I may be able to lose weight but I know eventually I'll have a saggy bum, grey hair, crow's feet, ect.... could you love me like that or is our love based on physical attraction?
No matter what I weigh my husband tells me every morning (and usually multiple times a day) that I am beautiful. Even when I don't like how I look (probably about 80% of the time), he points out my good features. When I talk about how much weight I've gained or how far I have to go, he says he just wants me to be comfortable with myself but I'm perfect as I am. Each week when I lose weight, he requires a bikini demonstration and praises my body and hard work.
I know I'm a lucky gal and I give as good as I get. But I can't imagine having a long-term relationship that was any different. I've had two babies (and want two more). I have stretch marks. I had surgery that left my belly button looking like a frowny face. And pretty much it is only going to get worse (ohhhh aging....)
But I have no doubt that I married a man who will think I am beautiful, no matter what, for the rest of our life together.0 -
Ok, so I am not really going to give advice... I am going to give you a few questions to ask yourself
1. How often does he build you up? (As in tell you how much he cares about you, good things about you, how beautiful you look)
2. Why did you start working out? (Did he give hints that he though you should? Did he blatantly say you should? Was it your own decision?)
3. How does he speak to you in front of other people? (Does he talk about your weight or fitness? Does he tell his friends how much he cares about you? Does he make little jokes about you?)
4. How often does he do things that you enjoy doing? (Things that aren't necessarily his favorite things, but you really enjoy)
5. How does he feel about the decisions that you make about school and work? (Does he support your decisions? or make you feel like you are inconveniencing him?)
And last, I am going to leave you with a thought (and I know some people have mentioned this): How is he going to feel when you have kids? You will gain weight for the 9 months that you are pregnant and then afterwards, even if you do loose the weight in a reasonable time, you are still going to have stretch marks and a little looseness in the lower ab area. Also, your lady parts will be totally different, especially if you breast feed.
Hopefully you are able to make a decision that will make you happy in the long run. You are a beautiful woman and deserve to be built up and happy!
*hugs* Take care of yourself hun0 -
I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.0 -
You deserve better. As you've described it, you are not obese, just a little heavier than you might like and currently going through stress. I dated two guys who thought I needed to be slimmer. I've been married now, many years, to someone who loves me just as I am. And, ironically, I have lost some weight --because I wanted to, not to please my man who found me equally sexy either way. In my experience, you can't lose weight out of fear or to keep someone else happy. I'm so sorry you're going through this -- but my hunch is that he's not the one for you. What if you were in an accident and had something else happen to your body? He wouldn't "fancy" you? There's a reason that many marriage vows include "for better or for worse."0
-
Some of you dummies are not gettin it. She wasn't active and fit when she met him! She was the same size she is now. Whether it was through manipulation or not, she started getting active with him and now her life changed, she went back to her old habits. Why could he accept that when they first met but not now? Because he feels like she needs to live off of his ridiculous expectations. I also wonder what this boy looks like...0
-
Wow.... brings back memories for me.... I've always struggled with my weight and my husband (ex now) was blessed with no weight issues. At first he made subtle comments about my weight, then even if I would lose weight he wouldn't compliment me on it. He said "Why? You'll just gain it back anyway" Long story short.... after 24 yrs I realized it was a controling issue for him and was causing a huge insecurity issue with me. Now I'm single and struggling to over come the insecurity of my body.
Thinking back I wish I would have handled it differently. I could have confronted him and told him that the things he said was hurtful.
Only you can decide what to do. You need to be happy. Take care of you!0 -
I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.
lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!0 -
Not much I can say, sometimes men are just *kitten*.... It is hard to juggle stressful work and school, good luck and trust your heart.
Hugs.....
How is that in any way constructive? I'm sorry but don't put this on men!
I have been in a similar relationship before where I was constantly being controlled and constantly knocked down confidence wise by her, I skipped meals and crashed dieted to lose weight but couldn't see it.
The way he went about telling you was wrong maybe he's tried to drop hints and he has been to subtle and has just lost his composure unless he is normally expresses controlling behaviours.
[bold]My honest opinion is don't seek a forum for advice on your personal life and relationships, people will always give opinions depending on their own experience it doesn't make the=m right or wrong but each situation is different and only you know him and if this is out of character?[/bold]
I just wish you happiness in whatever decision you make0 -
He sounds like an *kitten*. Drop him like a hot rock and find someone who appreciates you.0
-
Hmmm he's very insensitive in how he told you that. On the other hand he was honest and him giving you a heads up is better than you finding out after you've already married him that he's been getting it on the side etc.
it's a tough one. Is he rude and insensitive to you otherwise? If you really want a future with him you'll always be second guessing whether you're living up to his expectations.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I noticed in your post that you said the gain was due to age? Hmm you're only 29 and you saying that sounds like you don't think you can be fitter? Not that I think you need to be, you're beautiful, but at 33 I can tell you that our age doesn't preclude us from being fit and slim.0 -
Hey hun,
You are still in the same size although maybe not as comfortably. A size 12UK is NOT LARGE. Hell I can't get into a 12 yet.
Please don't make any firm plans to marry him. It sounds like he really needs to have a one to one with you. If his problem is your shape then maybe his motives of attraction were purely based on visual ideals.
I have fluctuated so much in weight and my bf has supported me and helped me when I feel down. I really don't think this guy is necessarily the right person to spend the rest of your life with.0 -
I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.
seriously?? you did THAT because she gained a pound and a half? did you frog march her at gunpoint to the bathroom scales every 8 hours?
you are what you said you are in every single way.
But on the bright side, you did her a HUGE favour.
I think he meant 125, not a pound and a quarter. lol!0 -
I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.
lmao...listen to this guy ^^^ he is right !!
Hahahaha. lol I can't even... OP: seriously though. You're better than that. You're better than some douche trying to make you feel bad just so you can fit his mold. What is 20lbs seriously? I gained 50 lbs in a few months time (I know... Pathetic) and I was the one who made the decision that enough is enough, my boyfriend was so supportive. I changed my lifestyle and he joined in because he wanted to and wanted to support me (he needn't lose a single gram). He never told me I was getting heavier, when I asked if he noticed he said "yeah, but didn't realize you felt so bad about it." He wasn't in any way trying to put me down or willingly hurt me, but he has been and is so supportive and never comments on my weight or food choices. He tells me he is proud of me all the time and high fives me after workouts etc. that's how I know he is a keeper.0 -
Maybe I'm different but that wouldn't fly with me. I would laugh at him and then pack my bags and move on well after I threw things but I have a temper that way. A man who really loves you wouldn't say those things to you. I mean you are the same size as when he met you right?0
-
I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?
The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.
At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.
I could not have said this better myself.
When I met my now husband (I was about 15 lbs over my ideal weight), he loved me for me. Now four children, numerous stretchmarks, etc...later my husband loves me just as much if not more now. I've loved him through his pot bellied, depressed, life sucks stages and he has loved me through mine. He and I both know I need to lose weight but he would absolutely never say what your fiance said to you EVER.
And that clenched gut feeling you are getting while heading home and you know he going to make y ou feel bad. You are going home knowing that by his words and deeds he's about to disappoint you again and your stomach clinches in pain because though you love him for him he only loves the skinny you and not the real you.0 -
Imagine what this guy might be saying about you to someone else. Is it possible that he could be telling someone else that he no longer "fancies" you?
"I wish my gf were more like you......all she does is (fill in the blank)..she never (fill in the blank)..she's so (fill in the blank)....I never (fill in the blank) her."
I think you would be happier without him..because that extra stress would be gone. When you feel better..you look better. But Lady, you are already gorgeous...so, he's picking on you for a totally different reason...do not place the blame on yourself......something else is going on.0 -
I agree with a lot of women on here saying to let him go.
I almost married a man like this and I'm so glad I had the strength to let him go. I met my ex and started exercising since he was into it too. Even at 150 pounds he kept telling me how I needed to lose more weight and was quite mean about it. After years of increasing verbal abuse that I was completely oblivious to even though my friends and family kept telling me to cut him loose, I finally saw the light and ended the relationship. The next man I dated for a few months would always remark on how skinny I was and how he could feel my hip bones which was something I guess never happened with his exes? It was crazy to find someone who thought I was just fine. A few months after that relationship ended I met the man who is now my husband. He spent 2 years of ups and downs with me and my 50 lb weight gain. In summer 2012 he started telling me how he was concerned about my health because I was at my heaviest and not a very happy lady. It took me until we got back from our honeymoon/1 year anniversary trip to realize I needed to do something. I looked horrible in pictures and couldn't believe I looked like that...I definitely didn't feel like that! Now I'm 20 pounds down and he is beyond proud of me. But it did not matter if I was 205 lbs or now, 185, he has always told me he loves me and still wants me for life (because I asked him and gave him many opportunities to leave to find someone better). I'm blessed to have a great man in my life that doesn't give up and run away just because I gained weight.
It is worth it to find someone who is not shallow and who's love is not conditional on weight. Everyone deserves to have someone that accepts them for who they are and supports them when they are ready to lose the weight. :flowerforyou:0 -
I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.
Love this! Opra on a cupcake! mwhaahaahaa!0 -
At least he's being open and honest with you. Its a harsh truth and he probably should have said it differently but he wouldn't have said it if he didn't really care about you. He wants to love AND be attracted to you. If you are not secure with yourself how can he is supposed to be secure? Even more than being concerned with where your relationship is headed, you need to work out your own personal demons with food and self-esteem. Once you have yourself together then you'll be able to make a clearer decision about your future.0
-
LOL! I literally spit coffee of my keyboard. This is so true.
Personally I think your fiance is out of his mind. Secondly what is the root of his statement? Is it because of your weight? or your weight and other issues? He may not fancy you for a variety of reasons yet, you are simply thinking because of your weight. Is that because you are sensitive of your weight?
Either way, for the most part weight is not an issue at least with me. I mean within reason if you go up or down, it doesnt matter. Love should be able the person, about more than the physical, because guess what....when you get old no matter what you will lose your looks, look at Robert Redford as an example.
from this point I would ask him why he doesn't fancy you, as it seems many men here on mfp, men you work with, random men out of the street fancy you.I was creeping your pics on your page. Your fiancé is insane. He's probably gay as well.
You're a smokin' hot blonde. I'd be all over you like Oprah on a cupcake.0 -
i have no idea if this has been said i really cba to read through lol, but a few things stood out to me here:
1. he met you at a size 12 (the average size of a woman in the UK btw) so had to be attracted to you in the first place at that size, unless he decided from there and then he was going to change you which... isn't great.
2. you have a couple of food issues by the sounds of things most likely brought on by being coaxed into this healthy lifestyle by your OH and the fact it's expected of you is all the more reason to fall off of something you weren't entirely into from the start
3. honesty is aways the best policy but going back to point 1 this is unfair, to say he prefered you at your size 8/10 self than 12 would be a valid comment but no reason to be a **** about it and certainly not the way to be honest
4. to me i don't know if you want to be the thinner you again or not, stress is a tough one to deal with and food is very good at comforting this short term, however long term after a while you put on a few pounds and see you're not your size 8/10 self creates it's own stress (without the comments of your OH lol)
my best advice to you would be to see what you want for yourself, find a better way to cope with stress, tell your OH if he has any desire to be with you still, rather than insult you and be a **** he best buck his ideas up and support you in the way you need or he'll be the one getting the boot! the kebab thing sounds like a binge from too strict a diet maybe if you do decide to lose weight allow yourself a few treats and rewards or a cheat day
if you have a genuine want to be thinner again then go for it, you know it's 100% possible and would make you feel great about yourself, running is a fantastic stress buster too
i wish you the best of luck0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions