The Day Someone Tells My Daughter "Your Mom is Fat!"

shutterbug40

That day is coming, if it hasn’t already. The day where a classmate teases her about me, and she will defend me. There will probably be tears, and she most likely will not confide in me because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. In the rare instance I mention something about my weight, she tells me I am beautiful. But she knows that I am different from the tiny yoga-pant-wearing-Starbucks-sipping moms that congregate outside the school at drop-off. But she doesn’t care. To her, I am the stars and the moon. I want to see me like she sees me. I want to instill in her all of the things I’ve never had, because of the weight problem I’ve had most of my adult life. Confidence, Self-Esteem, Courage. To be Fearless. I can’t give her what I don’t have myself. I’ve been waiting for 25 years for that “A-ha” moment, where it all suddenly clicks, and I say enough is enough..it’s time to do something about my weight. I thought that moment would be my wedding. It was not. I thought then it would be pregnancy. That wasn’t enough. Being a new mother maybe? Nope. Divorce..not so much. Finding true love after believing it had eluded me forever…even that is not enough to break my unhealthy relationship with food.

I realize that “A-ha” moment will probably never come. But I am realizing I am missing out on a deeper connection with my only child, because I can’t ride a bike with her, or go zip-lining with her, or swim in the pool, and hundreds of other things I don’t do because I am fat. And I believe that maybe, just maybe, I have finally had enough.

I’d love to hear from other moms out there in the same boat. I need all the help I can get. 

mommyofoneinwi

Awesome post! It made me cry thinking of my little girl. Those reasons you listed, riding bike and swimming, are why I started this. You sound like an amazing mom with a lucky child!

synthomarsh

I am not a mom nor ever will be unless that movie junior is true and someone kidnapps me and experiments on me but I think all your A-ha moments your looking for was based on other people and not yourself wedding, pregnancy, new mom , divorce , finding true love, it seems you are almost waiting for someone else to make the change for you. But you have to be your reason for making a change. If you make it for someone else it will only last for so long. Even if it is for your daughter she will eventually grow up and move out will you just get fat after that? You need to find your own A-Ha.... weather its YOU want to ride a bike or YOU want to zipline. If you dont make the change for YOU your just always gonna be waiting on someone else to make YOUR change. I think from being here and posting that, you have the desire to change in yourself but it has to be for you and how you can make yourself feel better and live better or else it wont be long lasting. I know you can do it but it has to be for the right reason!

mommysockmonkey

This brought tears to my eyes. I have little girls myself and I so very much want to be a role model to them about being healthy and loving yourself. You can do this, and she will be so proud of you!

culightersoon

It sounds like you are taking the right steps!! I just joined this program yesterday and also want to lose the weight for not only myself but for the health of my 13 year old daughter. I don't want her to have to struggle with the unhealthy habits that I have been practicing. I am trying to get her involved with some exercise along with me. We have started walking together, I told her that I am not crazy about walking alone.

Walking with your daughter might be a way to help you and let her see what you are doing but it will also help her. Our walks have been great, she tells me all the things going on at school and all the struggles she faces as a teenager. I am learning a lot from our walks so it is benefitting me in two ways.

I have also prayed for strength in the endeavor. It is not easy but I think that I am really ready this time, for my health and my family as well.

The best of luck to you and I will be interested to watch your progress. Take care, like Dr. Phil says we can't take care of anyone else if we don't take care of ourselves.

kristacali

I really like what synthomarsh had to say, find something that you want to do girl, something that is for you. What is that extra weight holding you back from that is a desire of yours? Us overweight people (I have lost 100 pounds so although I'm not as big as I was, I started where you are) all find happiness in pleasing others, it was what made me feel like I was a contributor to the world. If I could help others, than I wasn't useless. But we all have a bucket list of sorts, what is on yours? What is something that you cannot do right now, but want to do. We can get there! All of us can do it

marysowter

Bless you, I am sure your daughter will love you fat ( hate that word) or thin?you have taken the first step by joining mfp.their is support for all your needs,even if it is just to have a good old moan we all do at times?please feel free to add me has a friend if you wish and take a look at my food menu for ideas and inspiration.I have just rejoined since April and I have all ready lost 3lb.Please do not be hard on yourself .I am sure you will do well.Good luck but I do not think you will need it.x

shutterbug40

Thank you all for the kind words. As a raging introvert, posting and sharing is a stretch for me, so I do appreciate it.

jlemoore

I am not a mom nor ever will be unless that movie junior is true and someone kidnapps me and experiments on me but I think all your A-ha moments your looking for was based on other people and not yourself wedding, pregnancy, new mom , divorce , finding true love, it seems you are almost waiting for someone else to make the change for you. But you have to be your reason for making a change. If you make it for someone else it will only last for so long. Even if it is for your daughter she will eventually grow up and move out will you just get fat after that? You need to find your own A-Ha.... whether its YOU want to ride a bike or YOU want to zipline. If you dont make the change for YOU your just always gonna be waiting on someone else to make YOUR change. I think from being here and posting that, you have the desire to change in yourself but it has to be for you and how you can make yourself feel better and live better or else it wont be long lasting. I know you can do it but it has to be for the right reason!

^^^ this!

gseburn

I am not a mom nor ever will be unless that movie junior is true and someone kidnapps me and experiments on me but I think all your A-ha moments your looking for was based on other people and not yourself wedding, pregnancy, new mom , divorce , finding true love, it seems you are almost waiting for someone else to make the change for you. But you have to be your reason for making a change. If you make it for someone else it will only last for so long. Even if it is for your daughter she will eventually grow up and move out will you just get fat after that? You need to find your own A-Ha.... weather its YOU want to ride a bike or YOU want to zipline. If you dont make the change for YOU your just always gonna be waiting on someone else to make YOUR change. I think from being here and posting that, you have the desire to change in yourself but it has to be for you and how you can make yourself feel better and live better or else it wont be long lasting. I know you can do it but it has to be for the right reason!

Amen Brother!

namluv

I am not a mom so I can't add on to that but I can say I am the daughter of a woman who was perpetually overweight or obsese and on/off a diet regime for as long as I can remember. All I can say is I wouldn't fear terribly for your daughter. Nothing could shake my love for my mother and that was because my mother taught me that people's words are just words and the person inside is much more important to consider on the outside.

That being said, have you considered therapy? I am stuck on your phrase nothing was "enough to break my unhealthy relationship with food." It sounds like you might need more one-on-one help to get to the bottom of that issue. I think if you can do that then you will be able to find that Aha! moment. What people said before I find to be true; all other times I have tried to lose it wasn't for me, it was for other reasons and it didn't stick. Now, it's all about ME and if anyone else is happy about it it's a bonus.

MichelleMagee0608

Awesome post! It made me cry thinking of my little girl. Those reasons you listed, riding bike and swimming, are why I started this. You sound like an amazing mom with a lucky child!

Exactly why I started too. I want my daughter to be proud of me. In order to do that I know I have to first be proud of myself!

donna1432

too often us moms are soo concerned with taking care of everyone else the kids and the hubbys we forget taking care of ourselves is for their benefit.. its never too late YOU Have to have the desire to succeed, clearly your reaching out and thats one of the most important steps looking for support.. I did it for me and I did it for my kids and grandkids it took me some time and im still at it because its a lifestyle change but I was headed in the wrong direction NOW its all about me to be able to be ALL about them..

opheliaphoenix

I am not a mom nor ever will be unless that movie junior is true and someone kidnapps me and experiments on me but I think all your A-ha moments your looking for was based on other people and not yourself wedding, pregnancy, new mom , divorce , finding true love, it seems you are almost waiting for someone else to make the change for you. But you have to be your reason for making a change. If you make it for someone else it will only last for so long. Even if it is for your daughter she will eventually grow up and move out will you just get fat after that? You need to find your own A-Ha.... weather its YOU want to ride a bike or YOU want to zipline. If you dont make the change for YOU your just always gonna be waiting on someone else to make YOUR change. I think from being here and posting that, you have the desire to change in yourself but it has to be for you and how you can make yourself feel better and live better or else it wont be long lasting. I know you can do it but it has to be for the right reason!

I agree with this, as well. And, welcome!

royvor

Hi, Your post was so touching. I hear what you are saying and it sounds like you really want this change for your own happiness. Its just a matter of believing you can do it. In this losing weight game and maintaining it off we need to build our confidence because we have failed time and time again. I can relate becuase I have been there and only now have I acheived weight loss success becuase I think I had a mental shift and support myfitnesspal and especially watching and following people going through the same struggles as me on youtube. What I suggest is to begin to believe in yourself and it's easy to say but hard to do becuase we have failed so many times. What helped me was watching videos of people who were on youtube and posting their journeys. I follow divaslimsdown, kimonicaschannel, antishay, and adamwontlose. These are all people who give such great advise of starting small with baby steps and setting yourself up for mini goals. So start with eating breakfast everyday and once you build that habit add in this second week exercising 10 minutes two times a week. Setting small attainable goals will let you see that you are capable. We are all capable. Its just we need to get the mentallity of believing it.
I love quotes and wanted to share some I keep for my refrence when I feel discouraged that stick with me
First quote "Someone asked a person how did you lose weight? The answer I never gave up" yeah sure we allhave bad days but we learn and keep trying or you will never arrive if you stop.
Second quote "Successful people are not people who have never failed, they are people who never gave up".
Third quote " nothing in life is guaranteed other than change"
Fourth quote "only the same person will become obese again"
Fifth quote "If i dont change than nothings going to change"

JessicaZen

I will be 42 in may and am a mom of a 20 16 and 3 yr old my aha moment was with my 3 year old that I couldn't keep up with her and now my soon to be grandson due in may So as I was reading your post I felt how you feel and it made me well up but you are here and you made the first step welcome to MFP and I would love for us to support eachother.

stumblinthrulife

How about dad's in the same boat? Because that's pretty much how I started out, six months and 46 pounds ago now.

Let me tell you, you'll never find a more motivational feeling than this, so hold on to it, crystallize it in your head. Picture how different things will be when you reach your goals. I am close, and I can tell you how wonderful it is. How incredible it is to run around the park with your child, up and down climbing structures, and not have to stop every 30 seconds to pant for air. How incredible it is when your child says "chase me daddy" and runs off, and you can actually run after her and you don't have to say "sorry sweetheart, daddy's tired" and catch that fleeting look of disappointment on her face before she hides it to spare your feelings. How incredible it is to be able to really look out for their health by setting a good example and pushing them.

Picture all those things vividly in your head. Add your own. Recall them every time things get hard. That's what will get you to your goals.

sszbarber

too often us moms are soo concerned with taking care of everyone else the kids and the hubbys we forget taking care of ourselves is for their benefit.. its never too late YOU Have to have the desire to succeed, clearly your reaching out and thats one of the most important steps looking for support.. I did it for me and I did it for my kids and grandkids it took me some time and im still at it because its a lifestyle change but I was headed in the wrong direction NOW its all about me to be able to be ALL about them..

I agree with this!!

Been there done that, so worried about taking care of everyone else and I fall to the way side. No longer though! I had a cancer scare in November 2012 and realized I have to take control of my health. Quit smoking, eating healthier, exercising.....b/c I want to be there for my kids and my grandkids (someday) and hopefully my great grandkids. I do not want to die yet, so everytime I want a cigarette or dessert or just lay around....I think to myself...I have chosen LIFE not death and I have to do something about that by the choices I make! I choose to live and take care of me and everything else will fall into place. For me losing weight it is not superficial anymore......it is about being healthy and living. Please add me if you would like, I will be a great cheerleader for you, because you can do this!!!!

poesch77

When my older daughter, who is now almost 8, was in Kindergarten another little girl DID say something to her. She said "You are fat just like your mom." My gal is NOT fat by any means nor is she a string bean like some of the little girls in her class. I had a little chat with that little girl and her mom. Seriously? Does my little baby girl need weight issues at age 5? Kids are crude. NO, I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of me and that is why I am on here and trying my hardest to improve my health and create habits that they can follow thru life. Body types and metabolisms can be genetic...I watch her food intake as she loves food like her Momma. I don't want her to have the negative body image I have had since I was 9 years old. Break the mold and start taking care of yourself for her sake.

ripemango

i actually know what you are talking about...it seems like the other posters don't know what you're talking about.

my mom was always at a normal weight. i had a friend in middle school say you are so lucky your mom is thin. Now granted, I have never thought of my mom as thin...she was just mom. Her mom was extremely morbidly obese. I never once insulted her by calling her mom fat, but the thing is when kids call each others name and they do, if you have a fat mom they will throw that at you.

It really hurt her. I think it plays into being defensive about some1 you love so much and anger at your mom for being something others can make fun of you for.

I also don't want to be the fat mom. I'm working on it!

2credneck208

How about dad's in the same boat? Because that's pretty much how I started out, six months and 46 pounds ago now.

Let me tell you, you'll never find a more motivational feeling than this, so hold on to it, crystallize it in your head. Picture how different things will be when you reach your goals. I am close, and I can tell you how wonderful it is. How incredible it is to run around the park with your child, up and down climbing structures, and not have to stop every 30 seconds to pant for air. How incredible it is when your child says "chase me daddy" and runs off, and you can actually run after her and you don't have to say "sorry sweetheart, daddy's tired" and catch that fleeting look of disappointment on her face before she hides it to spare your feelings. How incredible it is to be able to really look out for their health by setting a good example and pushing them.

Picture all those things vividly in your head. Add your own. Recall them every time things get hard. That's what will get you to your goals.

this made me cry! Thanks for sharing and congrats on reaching your goal!

nancybuss

There are some GREAT posts here. I SO feel your pain reading your post. And so true, that it is up to YOU and YOU have to WANT it. Please know WE are all here to help!!!! Just do it! slowly, step by step, small changes will help and become habits, and habits create some more changes, etc. YOU deserve it. Will you fall again? YES you will. Hopefuly only a little, and you will dust yourself off and keep on going. If you want to go for those things, then Do It! Do it for your Health. Do it so you're here long enough to see your daughter do great things! Create your own Confidence and then your daughter is going to see that and build on that.

What can WE do to help?

Nancy

tnjackso1

synthomarsh nailed it!! You gotta do this for you!! Your daughter is a great reason, but children do grow up and move on.... We are all here for you, but you gotta get sick and tired of the way you are and then only then will you do something about it!!

TAMayorga

I am not a mom so I can't add on to that but I can say I am the daughter of a woman who was perpetually overweight or obsese and on/off a diet regime for as long as I can remember. All I can say is I wouldn't fear terribly for your daughter. Nothing could shake my love for my mother and that was because my mother taught me that people's words are just words and the person inside is much more important to consider on the outside.



^^^^^^^
This.

GURLEY_GIRL3

Been there! done w/ that! lol
I always said."I may be fat but I aint ugly and you cant fix ugly"

It is hurtful, but you are beautiful no matter what! I accepted I was fat for years but I think I finally have the motivation to be happy w/ myself. Noone hurting your feelings or calling you fat will make you lose weight, you have to want it for yourself. Good luck on your journey of getting healthy.

Elpaw4mbv

Been there.

My son came home from school all upset because some kids were teasing him about me being fat. He was really angry because to him, I am the world and he thinks me perfect. Here's how I handled it. I told him that yes, I am fat and that he shouldn't be angry about them speaking the truth. Me being fat doesn't mean I'm a bad mother, or a bad person, it just means I am fat. I can still be all the wonderful things he thinks I am and be fat. I also told him that I don't want to be fat anymore and I am trying but it is really really hard to do and it is going to take some time for me to be skinny again. I showed him pictures from my thin days and explained what it was going to take to transform me from what I am to what I want to be. I told him that I could promise to keep on working to lose weight but I couldn't promise that no one would ever tease him again.

I told him that the next time it happened he was to look the other kid in the face and calmly say, "Yeah, my mom is fat. So, what?" Then go on about his business as if nothing was wrong. I also told him that in life, people are going to say lots of things to him over the years - some true, some bs, and most to try and get a reaction out of him. The true stuff, he needs to decide whether or not to accept it as fact or if he needs to make changes. The bs stuff - its not worth his time to even listen to and he needs to just ignore it.

Your "ah-ha" moment needs to be about you, not some ill-mannered brat in your kid's class.

joleenl

Your post made me cry. My daughter is 19 and I'm sure she had that day at some point too.

The ah moment might not be an event in your life. The ah moment has to come from within. Something might spark it but it comes from within. IMO you have to want this for yourself, not for another person, not for a special event, but because you want it and will do anything it takes to get it. I find weight loss a selfish journey... You have to realize you deserve it, you have to want it, and it's all about you and all for you. Of course many people might benefit but none more then you!

36jessica

That day is coming, if it hasn’t already. The day where a classmate teases her about me, and she will defend me. There will probably be tears, and she most likely will not confide in me because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. In the rare instance I mention something about my weight, she tells me I am beautiful. But she knows that I am different from the tiny yoga-pant-wearing-Starbucks-sipping moms that congregate outside the school at drop-off. But she doesn’t care. To her, I am the stars and the moon. I want to see me like she sees me. I want to instill in her all of the things I’ve never had, because of the weight problem I’ve had most of my adult life. Confidence, Self-Esteem, Courage. To be Fearless. I can’t give her what I don’t have myself. I’ve been waiting for 25 years for that “A-ha” moment, where it all suddenly clicks, and I say enough is enough..it’s time to do something about my weight. I thought that moment would be my wedding. It was not. I thought then it would be pregnancy. That wasn’t enough. Being a new mother maybe? Nope. Divorce..not so much. Finding true love after believing it had eluded me forever…even that is not enough to break my unhealthy relationship with food.

I realize that “A-ha” moment will probably never come. But I am realizing I am missing out on a deeper connection with my only child, because I can’t ride a bike with her, or go zip-lining with her, or swim in the pool, and hundreds of other things I don’t do because I am fat. And I believe that maybe, just maybe, I have finally had enough.

I’d love to hear from other moms out there in the same boat. I need all the help I can get. 

I, like you have always waited for an A-Ha moment... it's always next Monday It's not enough to want to do it for your daughter, you have to want to do it for yourself. I have an 18 daughter who decided at 17 that she was going to become super fit and healthy, and she has, but unlike your daughter, I know she wishes I were healthier, thinner but I also knows that she loves me... but I need to do this for me... I need to be convinced that what I'm doing is good for me or else I won't see it through. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be the very best you can be. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

36jessica

Your post made me cry. My daughter is 19 and I'm sure she had that day at some point too.

The ah moment might not be an event in your life. The ah moment has to come from within. Something might spark it but it comes from within. IMO you have to want this for yourself, not for another person, not for a special event, but because you want it and will do anything it takes to get it. I find weight loss a selfish journey... You have to realize you deserve it, you have to want it, and it's all about you and all for you. Of course many people might benefit but none more then you!

Strange how I answered before I read you post and yet they sound alike. We must be on the same track

loriwhitefaith

Do this for yourself first then for your child. Lose the weight slowly. It did not come on overnight. Be very patient. Set an example and your child will follow. It is very painful what you are going through. Id love to be your friend on here and we can do this together. I need all the online weight loss motivation support I can get. I think this time is it for you. Yes I have 13 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. I believe they are in fear of my health, so in a sense I am doing this for them as well. I am losing the weight this time and keeping it off for good. I am making small changes one day at a time for the moment like exercising and drinking water. I am changing my diet to healthy one with lots of fruits and vegetables. You will be so proud when your daughter compliments you on your weight loss efforts though. The truth hurts, but use the criticism to make lifestyle change for the postive outcome in both of your lives.

Kayla_292to165

This is what jumped started my journey...my kindergartener came home crying about it and that was like a slap in the face