Adults of A Parent wtih Terminal Cancer

jaxxie

Ok, started to write this several times and have never quite reached the posting sign. I am just looking to see/hear from others and your coping skills. I am in the process of losing my mom. Not an easy acceptance....no matter who it is in your family. It is what it is.

Due to several issues, I cannot be with her right now and BEFORE you judge.....please understand that I am doing what I can to make it happen. My mom wants to make sure that I take care of my family before coming home and will not accept any less. My parents have been married over 52yrs and I know she is in the best hands everl.

I am not looking for anything other than to find people that may be going through the same thing. I'm usually pretty sarcastic and a bit quick witted, so I'm sorry in advance.

The point remains the same.

My hearts go out to those of you suffering anything even remotely close!

SCtolulu

My Sister passed away from cancer a few years back. It is a process that no one should have to go through. A long process. The guilt is tremendous. You're going through their feelings, your Dad's feelings, and your own. It's tough. I found running and walking to be my best coping skill. It gave me time to sort my thoughts and wrap my brain around the unfairness of it all.
Sorry you're dealing with this but know I so feel ya:)

jaxxie

Thank and thanks for the add!

circesfire

3 years ago I lost my dad and best friend to lung cancer. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. Even now it is very hard for me to talk about him without getting upset but I agree that the best thing is to do some exercising that you find relaxing. It is very hard as you have to deal with your own feelings as well as being there for your family so taking time for yourself is very important. If you'd like to add me as a friend, I know what you are going through and would be happy to offer any support I can.

Mustang_Susie

My father passed away in January 2011 of pancreatic cancer two months after being diagnosed.
My parents were married 56 years.
I'm a nurse and knew his time was short as soon as I heard.
Sadly, I was not close to my father so I was more grieved by the lack of our relationship rather than his passing.
He was an alcoholic, so it did not come as a complete surprise.

I tried to live my life as normally as I could.
My daughter was seven at the time so she took priority and both my parents understood this.
Although, I only live five minutes from them (my siblings are an hour or so away) so I did everything I could to help.
Including caring for him at home his last few days (his wish), after he became unresponsive.
He was on home hospice, but they only come in once a day and my mother could not physically care for him on her own.
I took off work for about a week and a half.

I did gain a bit of weight, but it was such a short time period that my life wasn't disrupted for very long.
I prayed. I met with my pastor. I shared and cried with my husband. I let people love me.
I was blessed with incredible support from the staff at my daughter's Christian school, where I spend much of my free time volunteering.

Hope this helps.
Message me if you would like

rosebarnalice

My father was diagnosed as terminal when I was in grad school-- and because of coursework, my own teaching load, and being terribly poor at the time, I couldn't just put my life on hold to be with him through much of the 6 mos between diagnosis and his passing.

I DID get to spend several quality weekends with him, though, and so although I was not there when he passed, I was able to be there when he still felt well enough to go through scrapbooks and photo albums, and to enjoy each other's company.

I think parents understand. You do your best, you love them, and they love you.

GoinOrganic

If your family has not put hospice in place, help them with that, and hospice will provide help for family members too. Counseling is part of what they do, and teaching/assisting the whole family to find what works for them with the process... sending hugs, love and light!

jaxxie

I don't even know what to say, thank you for your feedback and giving us/me a piece of your heart It helps.

Mustang_Susie

I don't even know what to say, thank you for your feedback and giving us/me a piece of your heart It helps.

:flowerforyou:

Soosannah

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. It is rough watching your parent die. My father died of leukemia 7 years ago. He lived over an hour away and was in a hospital over 2.5 hrs away for me from the time of his diagnosis til 2 days before his death 5 months later. Things happened so fast and I did not get to spend much time with him before he passed. The greatest gift he gave me before he passed was telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. Before he was transferred to Hospice, while he was still lucid, we had a nice long talk.

I second the choice for Hospice. Daddy's Hospice nurse was wonderful and she helped me with a lot of my guilt for not spending as much time as I could with him before he died. It just was not possible for me at the time with a small child and working full time. I was there holding his hand when he left this world and I watched him go in peace.

Lots of love to you :flowerforyou:

MizTerry

So sorry you're having to go through that.

My father has prostate and bone cancer. The prostate cancer he was diagnosed with back in 1999 and the bone cancer back in 2007. He had gone through two full founds of radiation (45 for the first round for his prostate, and I think 15 for the second for his bone cancer) and it was in remission, but his PSA is rising again.

My mother has an ARRAY of health issues and she is handicapped. It's hard watching our parents become feeble. It's especially hard being an only child and deal with this stuff. My oldest daughter helps, but she will be 18 soon and will have her own life she needs to carve out.

Edited for grammer. I am my OWN grammar nazi.

ChristineDiet

Oh Jacquie, I wish I could be there with you, to hug you, to cry with you, tomlaughnwith you. Ou know I just lost Colin recently and it is so hard, it still is, but inguessnyou just have to spend as much time skyping, just keep in contact with your mum and your dad, he needs you to. Just don't hold back, say whatever ou have always wanted to say. I regret on the day not telling my dad I loved him, him I didn't need to say it he knew, but I so wish I had. I made sure I told Colin and told him how special he was/ is to me.

It is so hard but you just have to take each day at a time and try and stay as positive as you can and do something positive.

My thoughts and love are with you. Xxxx

svgarcia

Hugs>>> u do what u can! Parents understand....

I just lost my dad last June 4. It will be one year this June. He died of esaphogeal cancer. He was diagnosed nov 2009. It was really hard ESP seeing ur loved one just waste away. My dad lost so much weight. He looked so fragile????. It was even hard to see him eat because he had such a hard time swallowing. The tumor was right above the stomach. We had to watch if he choked.

I live about 45 min away from my parents home. I helped my mom with my dad because she took care of my gpa and gma at the time. My gpa had Alzheimer's and my gma had congestive heart failure and was on dialysis 3x a wk. I took him to most of his radiation, chemo and DR's appt and other procedures he had to go thru along the way...

I wasn't close to my dad, in fact I had some bitterness towards him. But after his diagnosis, I got close to him. I even shared with him about our Lord and Savior and that he needs Him because it's only through Him, will I be able to meet Him in Heaven one day. And when it was time, He accepted the Lord Jesus into his life. He had in home hospice but then it became harder after a week. His health just declined. It w as hard to watch the suffering so we called the ambulance. Took him hospital. Then it was time for hospice facility as hospital couldn't do anything for him anymore. The pain meds was not helping. Hospice had him on morphine. He had some good days in there and looked like he was gonna get better...but hospice have pamphlets and those were just some of the signs. I got to tell him everything I wanted and so did he. I was there when he went and I thought I couldve handle but I didn't.

svgarcia

Add me as a frien if u want

svgarcia

Add me as a frien if u want.
Take care. Hugs to u

DaniH826

I'm so sorry to read this and I'm praying for you and your family right now. I understand. Having to let go of someone you love really sucks.

thejubster1

I have learnt, painfully, there is never the right thing to say - every one's experience is different. The best response I got when my father was ill was "Life can really suck". Which it did at the time, it validated what we were all thinking - but didn't become something to dwell on. Hearing this was so much better than hearing of someone's brother's wife's father's experience - which was often the last thing we wanted to hear.

So with that said - here is my experience, should you wish to continue reading.

I had sold one place, and moved back in with mum and dad while I was looking for another, when my dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer (which had already gone to his liver). My dad's approach to this was amazing, and we took our cue from him. Instead of saying 'why me?', he was more like 'why not me?'. From my parents perspective, everyone was to continue on living their life an go about their regular business - knowing that we would drop whatever we had planned to be that extra ear at the specialist if that's what was needed. My brother, sister, parents and I continued to share our lives & feelings - good & bad, and mum and I shared caring duties day to day.

We would laugh when dad made a special effort to put on a happy face when my sister would come from out of town to see him. From then on she became the 'Golden Child' , Sarcasm, wit and humour was what got us through a lot of stuff. For me - it was important to allow my sister to be involved in things we did for dad when she could so that she felt she was actively contributing - dealing out the meds, cooking different dinners until we found something he could eat!!!. We knew that each of us had limits to what we could do, where we could be.. There were no recriminations - just respect and gratitude for each other, and thankfulness (?) that we could do something -no matter how big or small it seemed.

Nothing was hidden amongst the immediate family. The specialist never gave dad a timeline/ deadline - rather had him just focus on milestones to aim for. In the following 16 months, Mum & Dad had their 50th wedding anniversary, my niece turned 21, my brothers 50th birthday. He cried the day I finally bought my dream house - insisting on celebrating with a glass of champagne, even though I could see he didn't enjoy it..

The day I moved into my house was the day went into palliative care. Nothing was left unsaid - over the course of dad's illness, we all had our own times with dad and shared our thoughts with him, and he with us. The hospice had happy hour every day - something mum & dad did at home, which they could still enjoy together. Dad had strong faith, and we got our strength from him.

Just continue to love your family. Don't leave anything unsaid. Enjoy the quiet, silent times together too. And remember it hurts so much because you love them.

Mimoki

Awe, its so hard on your heart, body and mind! I understand what your going through, A little over a year ago, my father passed away, not from cancer, but from Pulmonary fibrosis of the lungs. He was on hospice care for the last few months of his life and he was totally walking around healthy just the year before ! I was in Ireland at the time, about to get married and hoping my father would last long enough to meet my husband in person when he got his visa to arrive in the states. Needless to say he didn't make it and passed away on Christmas Eve 2011. Luckily though I did manage to fly back for a few weeks when he first got really sick (where they said he only had a few months left) to visit him and help/take care of him and chat with him. My heart goes out to you. You know, you know they are not going to be around forever, but you always hope, well just a few more years, so they can see this or that milestone etc? But regardless of your spiritual beliefs always remember they will live on in whatever way you believe whether up there in the sky, or just in your heart and mind.

Keep strong!

c2111

hi jax, my husbands dad beautiful man passed away on good friday from lung cancer, he was diagnosed at xmas, its all very hard, im sorry, so ill send a rqst as im going through what i think you are, we emmigrated to australia and dad was back in uk we were told that he would last till xmas anyway he didnt , sadly, my hubby has gone back, i have to stay here in oz, kids and work etc and just cant afford all of us to go. It is the worst feeling, im sending you hugs and FR on the way xx be strong its a bloody evil thing xx

meerkat70

my mum has cancee, tia, copd, vascular dementia and repeated ccongestive heart failure. it is hard watching the inevitable decline. you will become more familiar with hospitals than youve ever wanted to be. it helps to know there are many of us living through it.

try to take care of yourself.

Kadi82

My dad died of bowel cancer in 2001. It was hard but I wouldn't have changed my time spent with dad. I was lucky enough that I could postpone my study and work allowed time I needed off when dad got too sick. I got sick myself with rsv as I was burnt out from work/study/hospital visits. What I learnt is no matter what you do they understand. Dad's family couldn't all visit him but he got that. He also told me (in a lucid moment) that sometimes it's harder for those watching someone die rather than the person dying themself.
Hugs it's not an easy time

lilawolf

My grandmother, who I am very close to, has been diagnosed with cancer for a second time. The first time, she fought it off and I was there for her. This time, there is nothing really that can be done. She is doing chemo, some of her lymph nodes will be removed through surgery, she is doing acupuncture, taking herbs.... but it's no use. They said she had a year left.

I've never lost anyone close to me, so it is hard to deal with. We do as much as we can together. On new years, we did a limo winery tour (right before her first chemo treatment so she wouldn't be sick) and took lost of pics. In two weeks, my mom, grams, and I are all going to Vegas for a weekend and are going to go see the Chippendales and see the Bellagio and other shows. Next month we are going to Hawaii for a week. We are just doing what we can to make as many memories as we can.

Its hard and it sucks. Being there for my mom is almost harder. She is not taking it well.

punkrette

My father in law was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last week. They gave him 4-18 months. It's hard watching him and my husband go thru this. They are best friends

lynn1982

My mom died from pancreatic cancer back in 2000, only 6 months after she was diagnosed. I was 18 at the time and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Just do whatever it is you have to do and be with your parent when you can. I had just started university right before she passed away and wasn't able to make it home before she slipped into a coma. However, I still remember the exact words she said to me the last time I spoke to her on the phone. I still remember what my aunt said to me just before we took my mom off life support - "no regrets." There will always be regrets, but you need to minimize them. Losing a parent like this is a terrible thing to go through.

Unknown

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AnaCoffee

My dad passed away from terminal brain cancer 4 years ago. I lived over 14 hours away, our family only had 1 car and not a lot of money, so like you, it was impossible to visit him during the year he was dying. My son and I did get to once, the night before he had his 2nd surgery. I got to make him laugh. He didn't remember it afterwards, but I remember cracking jokes in his hospital room and he laughing along.

I'm glad I have that memory because the others weren't pleasant. I really bad insomnia the entire year. Bad enough that I remember writing blog entries wondering if I would ever sleep again. The cancer completely changed dad's personality and he'd say mean things and rant about any topic I brought up when I'd call that would make me mad even though I knew he didn't mean them. I had horrible in-laws that would tell me things like he wasn't my "real dad" because he wasn't related by blood, that air on cancer tumors made them worse and therefor he shouldn't have had the surgery (because of course the people who were actually brain surgeons knew less than them,) that he wasn't strong enough in his faith (dad was plenty strong, and imo, it didn't matter if he was religious or not as his type of cancer has a 100% mortality rate.) Yeah, really good people, my in-laws...:mad: :explode:

Anyway, what got me through was online friends (since my RL ones couldn't be bothered to even show sympathy,) hub, and son. Being allowed to talk about it helped. Eventually the insomnia stopped and by the time dad died I was at peace. I'd already mourned for him.

Not sure if this helped. Just know that you're not alone in this. ((hugs))

DawnieB1977

My heart goes out to all of you.

My mum was diagnosed with leukaemia last year. Luckily they caught it when they did. She had 4 lots of chemo which put her in remission. Then this year it came back and she was treated again and is again in remission. She now has 4 cycles of consolidation treatment to get through which will take until after Xmas. She's been hospitalised 3 times for Hickman line infections and had to have hers out and replaced.

We live 300 miles away. Probably not far in US terms, but we're in England. It's a good 5-6 hour drive and around the same n the train. I work and have 2 young children so I can't just go off to visit when I feel like it. It's been very difficult. My sister was living in China when our mum was diagnosed so she came home. She's still there, and my brother lives locally, plus my dad is there of course. Luckily I'm a teacher so get the school holidays, but when my mum is feeling crappy after treatment, she doesn't need a 2 and 4 year old running about!

I'm hoping that she will stay in remission but constantly petrified that it will come back again and eventually there will be nothing more they can try.

RiverMelSong

My mum passed away of pancreatic cancer in '07 (she was diagnosed in April, she passed in November).
I was 19 and had just moved out to go to college but I moved back in with my parents for the last couple of months of her life.
I became severely depressed afterwards, gained a lot of weight (50+ lbs) and didn't seek help until September 2012.
I'm 25 now, I have my own apartment, a job I love, I'm in a steady loving relationship and I'm starting my masters degree in September. It took some time but I'm okay now..

I will never, ever pretend to know what you're going though, because everybody lives, grieves and deals with stuff differently.
I wish you all the best and if you even want to talk or vent, feel free to message me

suepie1976

My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2011..she is still hanging in there and is doing okay considering! she lived with me for almost two years. Now she lives a few minutes away. These are all wonderful things and I am grateful! But I have immense guilt because my dream of moving back across the country is coming to reality. My family is ready to move, however I can't seem to get rid of this huge guilt of leaving her here while she is sick.. She is no alone here, lots of family and friends.

phred_52

I lost my Mom 21yrs ago to lung cancer. Numb at first, then angry at all women her age I saw, because it was't them. Thankfully the anger subsided.

Now it's my dad, age 75, stage 3 pancreatic cancer, inoperable, expectancy 9-12mos. Feel somewhat sad, but I don't too. Kinda crazy feeling there. I don't do hospitals, wakes or funerals, and I've told him that. So I reckon' my coping skill is just, it's going to happen, and that's that. Being as close as I was to my Mom, and her passing on right before my eyes and dad being a far 2nd, it just don't bother me, though I do love (ugh, I hate that word) hm.

li150girl

I am experiencing this right now, also, and am overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness.

My mom has lived with Multiple Scleroses for over 30 years... she is 63 years of age, I just turned 39 in March. I found out 9 days before my 39th birthday that my mom has advanced lung cancer with metastasis to her abdomen and spine. My parents live 400 miles away in another state. My boyfriend of 10 years and I drove out immediately upon finding out about the cancer. I went out again the next month for a week by train. (I live in LA and have anxiety issues with driving - I get panic attacks and can't drive the freeways here.)

My mom wasn't able to start treatment until after May 1st. She had a difficult time getting medical coverage, even through the "affordable" care act her insurance is $825 a month.

She doesn't qualify for Medicare.

She has had one round of chemo, which was last week.

This week her pain has been unbearable. And the tumor in her lung has grown.

I'm at a crossroads.

My mom and I are extremely close; we talk every day. We are in a good place spiritually and in our relationship. I cannot change this disease of the outcome. I can only express my love and gratitude for having a tremendous role model and genuine joy in my life to nurture and shape me into the woman I am.

My guilt is from my father. He wants me out there RIGHT NOW but I can't be. And even if I could, it would change nothing.

I do plan on going back out mid-June. In less than 3 weeks. But I'm unable to go beforehand.

This is my guilt... We have a non-refundable trip -- our first vacation in 5 years -- in two weeks. The trip was planned with another couple months before learning about my mom's cancer.

My mom has expressed that she wants us to go. That we MUST go. She understands and knows that it took us 8 months to save for a 5 day trip because of changes in my career and that if we don't go we lose $2,000 between lodging and airfare. Ironic that I made a change with substantially less pay so that I would have the chance to spend more time with my family and now this life lesson that I've yet to figure out.

When I talk with my dad he talks like the end is minutes away. When I talk with the staff at the oncology department they tell me that I know the outcome but it honestly is the outcome we will all meet some day and that my mom is not going to perish this weekend.

She is in the ER right now to get an IV to control her pain and is getting antibiotics for the area that the initial biopsy was done (she has a treatable infection there) and then will go home with a script for higher pain meds that are prescribed for end of life care.

I know she is dying. But cancer will not destroy her spirit. Just as the MS did not dampen her spirit. My mom is a beautiful, loving courageous woman and I am trying to keep that with me and praying on being able to get out there again in a few weeks to share pictures with her of our trip. It's what she wants... I wish my dad could be stronger for her and himself.

I know when the time comes and she takes her last breath I will forever be changed... but I also know she will remain with me always because she is why I am the woman am. Every day is a gift. She taught me that. I will always be thankful.