Thank goodness for fat shaming!

geebusuk

You cannot, I repeat, cannot - make someone lose weight from fat shaming or "helpful comments".

The first post suggests differently.

To my mind a lot of the problem with the 'shaming' thing is because people ARE ashamed.
If people were happy with what they are - then there shouldn't be so much issue.

When I got down to a low weight and people were calling me skinny, I was pleased (I still had a bit of tummy left unfortunately) as it showed the 'work' I had done losing weight was working.

If more people were honest and accepted honest opinions more of the time rather than being 'hurt' by them, perhaps there would be less issues in the first place?

I got annoyed when people would say to me "but you aren't fat" when I was - I have a large frame/chest so I do carry bulk quite well, but it gave me less incentive to lose.

MooMooooo

Can you really put on 50 pounds and not know about it? I really am asking this seriously, not intending to hurt anybody.

Yes, it happens to people when their minds get crowded with other thoughts.

They just stop paying attention to their looks.

You'd have to experience it to know the feeling of gaining without noticing - but when it happens you realise how it happened - you just got way too busy with other things.

Xiaolongbao

Gee, once again the Internet teaches us that people are all different!

OP I'm glad it worked for you, obviously you had decent self esteem and the kind of relationship with your mother where this was ok. For many people that's not the case. I can't even imagine how hurt and angry I would be if my mother said that to me. But thankfully she never would.

vivaldirules

Every day I walk around and can't help but want to go up to people (lots of them) and grab them by the shoulders and shake them and say "Hey! Just what do you think you've been doing?!" I was once one of them and so that urge is strong. How to do that constructively is the question. And now I often pause to think about what other things I'm still delusional.

Lulzaroonie

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

donna_glasgow

You cannot, I repeat, cannot - make someone lose weight from fat shaming or "helpful comments".

The first post suggests differently.

To my mind a lot of the problem with the 'shaming' thing is because people ARE ashamed.
If people were happy with what they are - then there shouldn't be so much issue.

When I got down to a low weight and people were calling me skinny, I was pleased (I still had a bit of tummy left unfortunately) as it showed the 'work' I had done losing weight was working.

If more people were honest and accepted honest opinions more of the time rather than being 'hurt' by them, perhaps there would be less issues in the first place?

I got annoyed when people would say to me "but you aren't fat" when I was - I have a large frame/chest so I do carry bulk quite well, but it gave me less incentive to lose.

^^^^ I got this allot, even when I lost a fair amount of weight I had friends telling my I looked better when I had the extra weight ... don't get me wrong i was extremely confident I was constantly told by several people what a fantastic figure I had, but looking back now I can see they all lied to me, sorry but I'd much prefer to be told I'm fat than I look good when Im fat

Illona88

I think it kind of depends who says it and how.

If it was my Mom saying it to me, I would know it was because she's worried about my health (she suffers from a lot of health problems due to being overweight herself and is worried my sisters and I will end up the same). But if anyone else told me I was fat, I would be greatly upset.

PepperWorm

Similar thing happened to me. I'd always been a little larger...always the chubby friend. I fell in and out with dieting and exercise. It was laziness that prevented me from getting back into it. Then my grandma came to visit last weekend and the FIRST thing out of her mouth was a comment on how much weight I'd gained. Very hurtful and embarrassing, but it was the push I needed to move forward.

Lulzaroonie

Every day I walk around and can't help but want to go up to people (lots of them) and grab them by the shoulders and shake them and say "Hey! Just what do you think you've been doing?!" I was once one of them and so that urge is strong. How to do that constructively is the question. And now I often pause to think about what other things I'm still delusional.

Ok, and what about their appearance suggests they're not already doing something about it?
The worst thing I ever felt was people coming up behind me on the way to pick up my son, and telling me I was fat and that I should lose weight.... and that really hurt because I had been exercising and losing weight for more than a year... yes I was still overweight but I was 30 lbs lighter than when I started...
So just because someone is overweight doesn't mean that A they're not aware of it, and B theyre not already doing something about it...

quirkytizzy

Learn self-love through your most loved people making cruel remarks?

jnzema

My grandfather was that person for me a couple of times, no name calling, but he'll point out if I've gained 15 lbs. For me it's always helped, although I've never been happy about hearing it. He is trying to be helpful, if you start with loose clothes and gain weight all over you don't necessarily notice that weight. Because of my build 120lbs and 140lbs are still a size six. Funny thing is, as far as I know, he only makes those comments to me, both my brother and my sister who are heavier never hear it.

kingofcrunk

I look back at old pictures of myself and I am disgusted by what I looked like. That's just the truth of it! I used to hate my mum saying to me that I needed to lose weight etc but she was 100% right. I did need to lose weight. Now I've lost it I am so much happier.

Lulzaroonie

I look back at old pictures of myself and I am disgusted by what I looked like. That's just the truth of it! I used to hate my mum saying to me that I needed to lose weight etc but she was 100% right. I did need to lose weight. Now I've lost it I am so much happier.

Its not about if someone is right, its the way they make you feel about being fat. You hated your mum telling you you needed to lose weight and I bet it made you feel like crap...

vivaldirules

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

Because I do care. What's worrying about that? And it makes no difference if these people are friends, coworkers, relatives, or complete strangers. True, they may be fully aware of their situation and quite happy about it and that's fine. But very possibly they are like so many of us here who just need help in realizing what we've been doing to ourselves and how to resolve it. I would be a worthless flea if I didn't want to help people through that. I'm not suggesting that shaming people into awareness is the right thing to do. It's clear that I have no idea how to help others with it. But I would love to know how.

Lulzaroonie

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

Because I do care. What's worrying about that? And it makes no difference if these people are friends, coworkers, relatives, or complete strangers. True, they may be fully aware of their situation and quite happy about it and that's fine. But very possibly they are like so many of us here who just need help in realizing what we've been doing to ourselves and how to resolve it. I would be a worthless flea if I didn't want to help people through that. I'm not suggesting that shaming people into awareness is the right thing to do. It's clear that I have no idea how to help others with it. But I would love to know how.

I think you'll find that many people would care very much that you were so interested in their appearance. You could be mother Theresa, but I can bet my last penny if you told me I needed to lose weight and I already knew how, I'd be pretty peed off...

kaybelieve

I think it's fantastic that you were able to get over her saying that and understand where she was coming from.

For me though I still haven't forgiven my mum for the things she said to me, unfortunately I'm not one of those people who take those kind of comments kindly. They don't make me want to change they make me want to give up and really hate myself even more.

vivaldirules

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

Because I do care. What's worrying about that? And it makes no difference if these people are friends, coworkers, relatives, or complete strangers. True, they may be fully aware of their situation and quite happy about it and that's fine. But very possibly they are like so many of us here who just need help in realizing what we've been doing to ourselves and how to resolve it. I would be a worthless flea if I didn't want to help people through that. I'm not suggesting that shaming people into awareness is the right thing to do. It's clear that I have no idea how to help others with it. But I would love to know how.

I think you'll find that many people would care very much that you were so interested in their appearance. You could be mother Theresa, but I can bet my last penny if you told me I needed to lose weight and I already knew how, I'd be pretty peed off...

Yes, I get that. And I realize that's true with a lot of people. Which is why I do nothing at all. I just don't think that's the right answer either.

kennie2

my boyfriend always calls me fatty but jokingly cos he doesnt want me getting thinner. which is a bit annoying

skinnydreams19

People on here fat shame me about my overeating and I'm glad for it - I think the kick in the bum will help!

postrockandcats

OP- your mom had me until she called you an unpretty whale.

foxro

I think its great that people can care about each other. Alot of people are full of good intentions. Delivery of those good intentions is sometimes without tact. Making cheap shots is not the way to do it. Instead of saying "you are a big fat pig", how about saying "I started working out, I feel great and would recommend it to anyone !!" An old saying "Don't judge lest you be judged" Cheap shots are non-constructive critisms and cheap judgements. Always be constructive and not hurtful. Thanks folks !!!

millea84

I had enough shaming for one lifetime. :P I think it's ok to express your concern over someones health, but its not ok to be a jerk about it. Unless your Dr. House, then it's ok. :P

dennik15

Calling your daughter a whale is pretty inappropriate. She'd better be a cream puff herself to judge like that.

If she's really concerned about your health then your appearance would be irrelevant. Calling you a whale is superficial and shows more concern about what complete strangers might think than about your health OR feelings.

It really depends where it comes from. If my mom said that I'd be upset but I'd get over it.

If my boyfriend said that to me, it'd instantly be over.

^^^^This. There is brutal honesty and then there is cruelty. Calling your daughter (or anyone else, but this is your child...)a "whale" is cruel, regardless of the circumstance. I'd liken it to calling her buck toothed and ugly. I don't believe in sugar coating things, but this is well beyond. OP, I'm glad you're getting healthy.

ohyousillygirl

I totally agree with this- for some people I feel like it happens so steadily that they don’t even realize. That’s how it happened to me. Now, it wasn’t what anyone said to me that made me see the light but rather some pictures from an outing where I was looking like Tubs Mcghee. I think it’s fine to tell people they’re gaining weight, and honestly? All my best friends, hell even just good friends, know that I would want to be made aware.

I don’t really understand all of these comments saying that what your mum said was going too far. I suppose it’s because I grew up with foreign parents (living in US). I don’t know if you know but foreign parents keep that **** real. If you’re fat you will be let known by not only your parents but your aunts/ uncles as well. It’s not meant to be hurtful; it’s an observation of the truth- if you’re fat, you’re fat and for them its that simple.

I know it’s a generalization but I feel like a lot of American kids [read: not the product of 1st or 2nd generation immigrants] are too dang sensitive. I have a very tough skin and no matter what someone says to me I’m not very likely to get upset. However, I feel like a lot of my peers are always getting their feelings hurt over things that they should be able to brush off. But that’s a rant for another time…

Why get sad when someone calls you fat? Seriously- if it upsets you do something about it. If you love yourself the way you are and are happy then why even hold onto those comments and let yourself get worked up over it in any way?

verdancyhime

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

quirkytizzy

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

QFT.

Lulzaroonie

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

I love you so much

NHoughton13

I'm fat and I know it and I don't want to hear about it. I have a hard time believing that when you have to buy bigger clothes you don't know you're getting fat. I've wasted tons of money on bigger and bigger clothes instead of dealing with the issue. Fat people know they are fat. It's in their face all day, every day. No one is ready to lose weight until they hit their "rock bottom." Telling me I look like a whale is not helping, because I already knew this.

That being said, if it's the kick in the pants you needed, that's great. I myself probably would have just felt worse and ordered a Big Mac.

foxro

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

I love you so much

me too!! today's wisdom !!!:flowerforyou:

JenniferMary_9169

It really bothers me that in this day & age peeps feel like they can say anything to anyone. What happened to tact and manners? Fat shaming is nothing but making someone feel horrible about themselves, and its a legit form of bullying. I know I'm fat, and I am the only one that can do something about that. I can look back at pictures and see what I used to look like, I don't need gentle reminders from "loved ones" to point out that I have gained weight over the years. If ANYONE tried fat shaming as a form of tough love I would tell him/her to STFU.