Need advice about having a baby.

LATeagno

OK, so I have very few close friends that I'm comfortable discussing this with, so I'm hoping some unbiased strangers can help.

I got married in Sept. of 2011. My husband and I are very happy. I have a nine year old daughter whose father died when she was a baby, and my husband is the only father my daughter has ever known. He's been around since she can really remember-- since she was 4. He's a wonderful father to her.

When we first met, he said he couldn't date a single mom. He liked me, though, and somehow we worked through this "rule breaker." He was scared of my daughter at first, but now they're inseparable. My husband has a very hard time making life decisions. He's always been that way.

He told me a couple of years ago that he didn't want more children because he was "worried he'd love his own biological child more." I know this isn't true-- I mean my daughter's father, while he did end up passing away, wanted nothing to do with her. I don't think a biological link is what makes a father a true father. He's also said that he is worried about his genetics because his sister is mentally ill. I can't tell if he's genuinely afraid of this or if it's just an excuse.

My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the month and I'm terrified. I really want another baby-- just one. But as the date draws closer, I'm finding myself to be very scared. He does not want a baby. He is unwavering about it.

The main reason I want another baby is for my daughter. She is an only child and she will never even have any cousins. Both of our families are very small and I'm worried about her not having family when she gets older. She wants a sibling very much-- she often asks us if she can have a brother or sister. At her Girl Scout meeting last year (the first one), the troop leader made a reference to brothers and sisters and asked the girls to raise their hands if they had a brother or sister. She was the only one who didn't. She cried. My heart broke.

We are very financially stable and could easily afford a baby, so that's not even an issue. I really think my husband would be fine with having his own child if he could just not be so scared of it. He's a wonderful man, but he has issues with "what if" situations. I even work from home as a writer. We are insured and have great maternity coverage. I wouldn't even need maternity leave because I work from a laptop right in my own house.

My husband keeps asking me to talk about my feelings on the issue. He keeps saying "if you're having second thoughts, we need to talk about it now." I keep saying I do have second thoughts. We keep bouncing back and forth about why I think a baby would complete our family, but I've done everything but say "I want to have a baby. Let's try to get pregnant." I really want to tell him I want a baby, but I don't want to back him into a corner. He does so much for us. I don't want it to seem like I don't appreciate what he does. I feel like every time he asks me, I just feel like he is just fishing for me to agree with him. He listens to what I say, and while he hears it, I don't think he understands it. I know he's scared of it, but I don't know how to show him how great of a dad he already is. He's done so much when he thought he couldn't.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I want him to listen to me and to understand why it's important we complete our family. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? It's not like we have a gaggle of kids. I just want a sibling for my daughter.

MyPsalm63

I think you need to be completely honest with him about how you feel. He's asked you to do so. I also think if he is 100% sure he's done, then you guys need to figure that out. I think its great he is so honest about his feelings on the matter. I can understand his reservations. My oldests bio Dad passed and my now husband took over. I know he was scared though about many things. We both shared how we felt about it all. He wanted more children though, he was afraid his love would change...it did not . It was just the same for each of our kids. Bottom line...be fully honest but also respect his feelings. You don't want to do it and them have him feel upset.

chubby_checkers

You need to have a major heart-to-heart with your husband. Tell him exactly what you're thinking and don't be wishy-washy. Lay it all out. Tell him exactly why you want to have a child. Don't leave any doubt in his mind what you want. Make sure that this is something you want; not something you just want for your daughter.

LATeagno

(Response to MyPsalm-- sorry, I forgot to quote) : I think the hardest part about this is that there really isn't any compromise. It's not like we can have half a baby, you know?

I am glad he's talking to me about it. I just feel tormented because it seems so unproductive to have these talks when there's no reasoning, you know? I really do respect him. Am I willing to sacrifice my want for a child for him? Yes. If i have to, I will. I just know I'll regret it. I don't think most parents ever regret a child, though. I couldn't imagine my life without my daughter, and i don't even think he could. Thanks for your response.

LATeagno

You need to have a major heart-to-heart with your husband. Tell him exactly what you're thinking and don't be wishy-washy. Lay it all out. Tell him exactly why you want to have a child. Don't leave any doubt in his mind what you want. Make sure that this is something you want; not something you just want for your daughter.

It definitely is for me too. I will definitely tell him that. I'm just afraid because this is such a black and white situation. It's like... one of us has to bite the bullet. There's no compromise here, although as I said above, it's not something I'd leave him over. I do think I'd have an empty spot for the rest of my life, though.

BflSaberfan

If you are not 100% honest with him now and he gets this done, you may end up resenting him. Tell him. today. I would also let him know, Many people regret not having more kids, I dont know anyone that regretted having them though :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

CaddieMay

I am glad he's talking to me about it. I just feel tormented because it seems so unproductive to have these talks when there's no reasoning, you know?

Is there really any reasoning when it comes to having children? LOL. What I mean is, I don't have kids of my own, and I find it astounding when my friends have more than one child because I get exhausted just watching the daily routine they go through! Infants are hard work, and so are teenagers. And parents never stop worrying or loving their kids. It's the biggest job in the world. So of course there's no reasoning to it!

You are lucky to have a husband who wants to know your feelings about this. Talk to him. Maybe ask him to postpone his procedure until you can both decide. I'm sure neither of you will regret having another child.

LemonsAndCoffee

Absolutely be honest with him. After I had my first child, my husband was set on not having any more children. He was happy with just one. I knew in my heart that I wanted another one and I told him as much. Although I loved my daughter to pieces, I didn't feel like I was "complete" with just 1. Another big factor was that I was an only child - and at times it gets very lonely. He has a sister so he didn't understand what being an only child was like. I talked to him probably everyday for 2 months - not nagging - just laying out the facts. Now we have another daughter and agreed we are done having kids

Reedern

Tell him exactly how you feel and how much you really do want another child. Do it sooner rather than later. He sounds as though he would be willing to discuss it and maybe you guys could talk about postpoing the vasectomy until you are BOTH 100% on board. Don't wait or you will regret it and like someone above said, you will most likely resent him over it and it could potentially destroy your loving home. Be honest and lay it all out there. Good luck

ADTeachTX

I agree with the sentiment of the group. You need to tell him how you feel and not worry that you burdening him. As a married couple, the burden needs to be shared. That being said, I don't know how religious you guys are but if you are perhaps you can frame it in a way that allows the decision to be left up to God. It takes the burden off you both and allows God to control the timing of another baby or no baby. Just delaying the surgery and opening your heart to what God has in store for you could be a good way to handle the situation. Just my 2 cents...

Lone_Wolf70

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

LATeagno

I agree with the sentiment of the group. You need to tell him how you feel and not worry that you burdening him. As a married couple, the burden needs to be shared. That being said, I don't know how religious you guys are but if you are perhaps you can frame it in a way that allows the decision to be left up to God. It takes the burden off you both and allows God to control the timing of another baby or no baby. Just delaying the surgery and opening your heart to what God has in store for you could be a good way to handle the situation. Just my 2 cents...

I was thinking this too. I was thinking proposing a two month "try" period and letting God decide. He might be receptive to that.

LATeagno

Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal.

Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

Lone_Wolf70

Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal.

Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

quite honestly, it seems like this is all about you and not about him. SOmehow your feelings/wants/needs are more important than his.

LATeagno

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though.

Lone_Wolf70

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though.

more than likely he lied when he said he was worried about loving a biological kid more than his step child. He just doesnt want more kids.

Lone_Wolf70

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though.

more than likely he lied when he said he was worried about loving a biological kid more than his step child. He just doesnt want more kids.

LATeagno

Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal.

Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

quite honestly, it seems like this is all about you and not about him. SOmehow your feelings/wants/needs are more important than his.

This is 100% absolutely untrue. I said before I'd be willing to sacrifice for him. Did you not read it?

Having a baby isn't a 99-1 thing. It's either 100 or 0. It's kind of hard to make this less than 100%. I'm not saying it's all about me. I just want to be at peace with the whole thing. It's kind of hard to just leave it alone. There's as much as an argument that says I should get what i want as he should get what he wants. It's hard to "compromise" on such a situation.

ETA: I'm also not saying I'd leave him over it. As I said, I would sacrifice it for him. I love him. But it would leave a gigantic hole in my heart. I don't think that's fair to me either. Hence why I'm here, because I don't know what to do.

stunningalmond

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though.

Sorry, "Leave him alone" doesn't work in a marriage. This is a major decision and one that deserves to be discussed.

I agree with the group as well. Talk to him about it. I could have wrote your post almost word-for-word, except my 1st daughters biological father chose not to be a part of her life and I met my husband when my daughter was 2. He is her dad and he's always treated her like she's his own. We had a child together and he doesn't treat the younger one any differently than the older one. They're both his daughters and if someone says that only one is technically his, he corrects them and says they're both his.

I think your husbands worries are valid but if we worried about "what if" all the time, we'd never do anything! My two daughters are each others best friends and having siblings of my own, I knew I definitely wanted at least one more child after we were married. I wouldn't have wanted my oldest to be an only child. Seeing the way they play together now that the younger one is older just brings a smile to my face.

Have a nice long chat with your husband and explain that you really would like him to consider this. Good luck!

laural007

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

hbrittingham

Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal.

Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

Your second paragraph says it all to me. You want a baby, he doesn't, so you are sleeping on the couch. Either communicate with him how you honestly feel or let go of having another child, but don't continue to "punish" him by sleeping on the couch and hoping he'll read your mind and give in.

FWIW, there are plenty of only children in this world who have survived not having a sibling. I have one of them. Add in the fact that your daughter is already 9 and you'll find that she and a new sibling will not likely have a very close relationship because of the age difference.