Need advice about having a baby.

crystalflame

Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal.

Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

Your second paragraph says it all to me. You want a baby, he doesn't, so you are sleeping on the couch. Either communicate with him how you honestly feel or let go of having another child, but don't continue to "punish" him by sleeping on the couch and hoping he'll read your mind and give in.


FWIW, there are plenty of only children in this world who have survived not having a sibling. I have one of them. Add in the fact that your daughter is already 9 and you'll find that she and a new sibling will not likely have a very close relationship because of the age difference.

I slept on the couch last night because i was unable to sleep (yes, due to baby issues). It was not in anger or anything. No one was upset with one another, and we were both fine. It was more so because he snores and unless we both fall asleep at the same time, there's no chance I'll ever fall asleep after him with his snoring. LOL. He knew it was why I couldn't sleep-- nothing more. I'm not punishing him, and I'm sure he doesn't think that. It's not like it's a regular thing or anything. Just a fluke.

I am aware that there are lots of only children out there. I know it's not the end of the world. My main issue is that we have no family. We have grandparents and one set of aunt/uncle, and they won't have kids. We have no extended family beyond that that we talk to. It's not just siblings-- it's more.

And in regard to the age difference, that's not something I'm worried about. Our neighbors have a 16 year old and a 5 year old, and they're very close and it's a unique type of relationship. I'm not necessarily saying they'd be close now-- this means more to me for when she's older-- after we're gone. i don't want her to be dependent upon getting married to have a family. She will have no family-- that's my main concern.

You should make the decision that would make you all happiest, but just to put your mind at ease a bit in case you don't have another child: I'm an only child, and I'm completely disconnected from my (small) extended family. The friends I've made in high school, college, and now are much more of my family than any of my blood relations. They've been there for me through the best and the worst, and we love each other unconditionally. Family to me has nothing to do with blood, and she doesn't need to marry to feel like she has family. Your daughter will find people who care for her and support her whether you provide her with one or not.

UsedToBeHusky

Your daughter really should not be a factor in this decision process.

She's a child. I bet she wants a pony, too.

Exactly.

oregonzoo

Talk to him, be honest with him about everything you said here.

However, don't bully him into having a baby. I'm not saying that you would. But you knew long ago he didn't want a child. You married him knowing that.


And whomever mentioned adoption, if one day you change your minds there are so many children in need of loving homes it's something to consider.

dirtbikegirl5

This is a tough one. My ex-husband and I had one child, tried to tried to have another and could not. I knew that I was missing something and could not get rid of that feeling. Finally, when I gave up, I got pregnant.....with twins. The ex-husband did not care one way or another if we had more children. It was all about me. If I wanted 10 children, he would have agreed. My son was 11 when they were born and the 3 of them have a great bond, so I don't believe that age matters as another poster mentioned.

Reading your posts, it sounds like you want have a baby to have a sibling for your daughter instead of having a baby because you really want a baby. I have 9 brothers and sisters (step and biological) and my husband's family is my family, so you can see there is no guarantee that just because you have another child that your daughter and the child will be close.

Your husband does not want a baby (whether it is that he thinks he will love that child more, or some other reason), but you do. It bothers you enough that you are up at night sleeping on the couch. He is being sensitive to the way you feel by saying that you need to discuss before his "boys" are no longer available and this is no longer up for a discussion.

If he is scheduled to have a vascectomy then that means he is ready to make his "no more children" a permanent solution. Maybe you can ask him postpone the appointment until you both are absolutely sure. I think that, whatever the reason, your husband has made your child his own and it looks like he is thinking about her, too, in all of this.

If he is not completely comfortable with the decision to have another child, then having one is not going to make it better and he won't get used to it. You may want to get a more comfortable couch if you both don't completely own this decision. This goes the same for the vascectomy. If you don't both own the decision to make this a permanent solution, then it could really put pressure on your marriage.

Curleycue0314

So there are 2 things that are being brought up in the forum that I think are valuable.
1. Talk to him about it. My husband and i have been trying for about year to get pregnant after a mischarge last April. After the miscarriage the most important thing we did was talk about my feelings and his with trying right away again. If you don't talk about having one it may just cause issues later.

2. This should have been somthing you talked about before marriage. I knew that i wanted 2 or 3 children. I knew before we got married 2 or 3 was the most for my husband as well. Its not a fly by life lets figure it out. Yes sometimes its unplanned, but generaly it should be planned how you decide to grow your family.

I also like the suggestion of seeking counciling about the issue. Its an open environment where you can both feel safe to objectivly express your feelings AND get council from someone who is there to do so. I think that his concerns about being more emotionaly attached to his biological child may be a concern that should be addressed. Its not somthing that should be pushed asside. If it is a true concern then perhaps counciling is a good rout. Just my thoughts

Curleycue0314

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

ncl1313

I don't want to sound rude but these are the discussions you should have and agree on before you get married. Just my opinion though.

Eh...I don't necessarily agree with this. Relationships evolve, and therefore feelings about things like children can also evolve. If a couple gets married very young deciding they don't want to have kids, it's highly possible that 10 years later they may change their minds. My marriage vows didn't say anything about never being able to change my mind about big issues.

OP, my husband and I got married with me being the one not wanting kids. After 3 years of discussions, I agreed to not try but not prevent for a year and see what happened. At the 11 month mark, I got pregnant. It took getting pregnant for me to come around to the idea of having kids, as horribly backwards as that sounds. But I'm really glad I did...my son is awesome and I really can't imagine a life without him, so much so that we're even considering a second one (this coming from a woman who spent almost 20 years vowing she would never have kids). I just tell you this because you said it yourself...it took him some time to come around to the idea of having your daughter around and now they have a great relationship. The same would likely be true if you got pregnant. I agree with all the others that said you need to have a very direct conversation with him. Or consider fostering or adoption.

ETA: I don't think it's completely out of line for you to ask him to hold off on the vasectomy for at least a little while. It almost seems like the vasectomy is what prompted your feelings about having another child. I mean, it takes the option completely off the table. And if you guys do decide to have him go through with it, that means you don't get to mention it ever again. You can't hold it against him. That's why the discussion needs to happen now, honestly and openly.

LandonRand

Is he open to adoption?

__RANDY__

You need to tell him everything you have said here. All of it. If he still doesn't want to have another child then he doesn't want to have another child. You cannot make him wan't another child.

Good luck.

When I first mat my wife I asked her a few things. Are you now or have you ever been a drug addict. She said No. So I asked Q#2 Do you want a family some day. Her answer was Yes. I went on to Q#3 Wanna get married. Luckily she said yes to that too


good luck.

odusgolp

I haven't read other's replies but here's my two cents:

1. Your daughter is ALREADY a single child. Having a baby now won't ever change that. A 10 year age difference between children is not the same as being raised with others the same age. In fact, she could really resent a baby. More-so, it's completely irrelevant to the decision to have more children. It's an adult decision, plain & simple.

2. Why haven't you said "Yes, I want another child... with you."? I'm confused on why you haven't said this yet when you continues to ask you to talk to him?? Really confused.

3. You said he is unwavering in that he does not want children. If you get the balls to do #2 above (which I hope you do TODAY) and his answer is still emphatic that he does not want children, respect it. Regardless of the reason, he doesn't want kids. That's YOUR want, not his. And frankly, I know parents that are crappy parents that had a child for their spouse and never wanted the child otherwise. They're crappy parents. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Saying "But if you just do it, I promise you'd never regret it." is so completely unfair. No one should ever admit to regretting having a child. It's a twisted argument.

wineplease

You seem defensive even to the people here who don't support your decision. Did he tell you before the marriage that he didn't want anymore children? You say you were married in 2011 and you learned that "a few years ago". Not sure if it was before or after the marriage. My advice would be different based on that information.

If you knew it before the marriage, I'd tell him that you were aware of his desire not to have any more, but you've really started feeling like you'd want another one- but that you'll totally support him having a vasectomy if that's what he really wants. Not sure how you can resent him (like others have said) if you knew his desire.

If he didn't tell you until after you married him, then I'd ask him to consider your feelings and push a little more on the issue. This is something he should have shared before the marriage.

laural007

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

concordancia

Independent of your desire to have another baby, your daughter is nine. She has already been an only child her whole life and having a sibling now will just be someone she will ignore or feel responsible for, not relate to as if they had grown up together, since she is already more than half grown.

She, and most only children of the world, will learn to deal.

DO NOT MAKE YOUR DESIRE ABOUT HER.

hungryhobbit1

You don't have to say "let's try to get pregnant" but you do need to tell him that you do want to have another baby. What you're asking him to do is to not get a vasectomy right now. If, in a year, he still feels the same way, you can reevaluate. But this is a forever decision and you're not ready for it.

I also agree with others who have said this is not about your daughter. With a 10 year age difference a sibling will not provide her with companionship until they are both adults. Honestly, a baby is more likely to be work for her than anything else. If she has close friends, set up a lot of sleepovers. Eventually she might be happy that she gets to come home to her own room where nobody will bug her.

If YOU want to have a baby, tell your husband. Ultimately, it's his body and his choice and you'll have to respect his decision. But it wouldn't be out of line to ask him to wait a year.

kiesha22001

I don't want to sound rude but these are the discussions you should have and agree on before you get married. Just my opinion though.

Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. When I married my husband, I'd already had 2 kids (from a previous marriage). He said he was fine with not having any children of his own. Recently, within the past few months, he's decided that he does want a child of his own. I don't want more. This is currently an open discussion for my husband and me.

theCarlton

I have loved being an only child. Loved it. I have very little family. What you're talking about is giving in to a 9 year-old's whims for a sibling. Please don't make that your strongest argument in favor of having another child. If children were good at making life-altering decisions, they wouldn't still be living with us for as long as they do.

Your husband has expressly said he does not want a child, and has provided you with 2 valid reasons for not wanting one. No matter how many strangers' opinions you gather on the internet, his opinion is the only one that you should be paying attention to.

My advice, as a total stranger, is get your daughter a dog who will be her companion until she goes away to college. Spend your extra money and time on her, give her experiences people dream of having and usually aren't fortunate enough to have, and show her the world while she's still young enough to be memorized by it.

UsedToBeHusky

Not sure how you can resent him (like others have said) if you knew his desire.

One never needs a good reason to feel however they do.

BeachIron

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

dafuq?

Monica_has_a_goal

Listen to your husband..

The difference about men and women, is that we always think they're not telling us EVERYTHING about their feelings.

Unfortunately, they are.. lol.. They feel strongly about their opinions and just don't need to talk about it like women do.

Listen to him, He's made a choice, don't discredit that! I believe he's told you why he doesn't want any more children and you

should continue to respect his decision.

My daughter is an ONLY child and grew up with tons of frieinds and family. Including our church family, which is an extension of

our loved ones. She didn't suffer a thing for it. Enjoy your happy family and don't ruin it by getting pregnant and making your

husband worry for the next 9 months.. He'll be a mess if you do!

Julzanne72

Be HONEST!!!!