Not sure what to do or think.......

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  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
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    OK - let me ask you this:

    Part One: My wife will NOT change/drop her last name to reflect her married last name nor will she add my last name onto hers. She never switched over her Social Security Card years ago (got married in 2001 - yes 2001 not a type error) as this reflects her maiden name. When I ask her to do so....... many and many excuses follow suite.

    Part Two: My wife will not wear a wedding ring. She claims it cuts off circulation, her fingers well, etc, etc. This she did back in 2009. When I ask her to do so....... many and many excuses follow suite.

    Part Three: Social Network sites FaceBook, MySpace (back in the day) and other sites she switches between her maiden name, maiden and married name (hypenated) and sometimes just my last name only. Just recently though my last name, removed from everything.

    Our marriage - VERY rocky VERY unstable over many years - not because of this or just because of this but other issues.

    So my question is this - do these three items have a significant value towards a marriage? What to do if she refuses to do so? Grounds for divorce?

    It's nice to have the same last names, but it's also fine to have different names. I didn't want to change my name when I got married -- I'd had that name all my life. At the same time, I loved my husband. It isn't the name, it's the person, the friendship, the trust.

    It sounds like you might have control issues. I hope you will see a counselor and talk it out. Good luck.
  • 1223345
    1223345 Posts: 1,386 Member
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    The name change is a HUGE hassle. You have to change it on your drivers license, SS card, credit cards, at the bank, the dr's office, and every where else. BUT, it is my humble opinion, this should have been discussed prior to the marriage. Of course, these days, it's hard to know that something like this would ever even be an issue. I was happy to give up my maiden name and move on to my new married name, even though I now have to spell it out for everyone because it's a very odd name. I really hope that you and your wife can reach a solution to this. Maybe you should just ask her if she even wants to be married?
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.

    I had high school teacher call me a Nazi to my face, in front of the class... yes, at a Christian School.
    we should both have a little cry that the mean people called us names! :wink:
  • Tuffjourney
    Tuffjourney Posts: 971
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.


    Awww man, you made the puppet feel bad. Shame on you....:noway:
  • sexymuffintop
    sexymuffintop Posts: 636
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    Not trying to be rude or a d*ck, but why would you want to ask strangers on a diet and fitness site about problems in your marriage? These are things you need to discuss with your wife.....Best of luck, hope you get it sorted x
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.


    Awww man, you made the puppet feel bad. Shame on you....:noway:
    as we all know, i'm a sens'tive soul.
  • Onaughmae
    Onaughmae Posts: 873 Member
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    1. Its a name...not that big of a deal. If your name is important to you think about that maybe hers is to her. If you want to match, you could have changed yours. I have a friend that got married and her hubby changed his to her last name. If something that trivial is a deal breaker for you then maybe the whole marriage thing wasn't the best way to go.

    2. I rarely wear my wedding ring. I am looking at it right now on my desk in a jewelry box. I cant wear it to work and then I just forget to put it back on. Besides, it doesn't fit right now anymore anyway. *puts that on the list of things to do* My hubby lost his over a year ago and we haven't replaced it yet. Not a big deal either and doesn't really mean anything. I would be more concerned if she made a show of wearing it but you kept catching her coming home with it off.

    3. Other people find you on social networking sites through your maiden name. Makes sense to have it on there to me. I would be more concerned if she was hiding the fact that she is on those sites and started locking her computer.

    You say your marriage is unstable. I would work on real issues and let the whole name thing go. Seems like a trivial thing and certainly not something worth divorcing over.
  • musycnlyrics
    musycnlyrics Posts: 323 Member
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    maybe "nazi-feminist" wasnt a nice term...

    but I hope u guys understood what I meant...if I truly offended anyone, I apologize

    (but im hoping you guys are ribbing me)
  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.

    I had high school teacher call me a Nazi to my face, in front of the class... yes, at a Christian School.
    we should both have a little cry that the mean people called us names! :wink:
    I think I was more confused than anything else. But we should have a cry... on the count of 3.
    1...2...3

    OK. that's over.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    maybe "nazi-feminist" wasnt a nice term...

    but I hope u guys understood what I meant...if I truly offended anyone, I apologize

    (but im hoping you guys are ribbing me)
    offended by equating my desire for equality to a habit of BBQing other ethnicities?

    (it's more of a spare ribbing)
  • MrsG2
    MrsG2 Posts: 56 Member
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    When I got married I took his last name, and that was not easy bc his (now ours) is 18 letters long!

    I had everything changed over the days after our wedding. I mean EVERYTHING.
    Also, let me note. My husband is military so everything had to match, if I took his name I needed it all to say his name.


    Wedding ring- I wear mine EVERY day. I have 3 rings to make up my set and I wear them all day. My husband rarely wears his. He doesn't at work because of the type of things he does in the Marines (i understand.) But he will wear it when we go out and about.

    My facebook states my first name, married name, and maiden name so other people can find me, like before I got married.

    Every relationship has its ups/downs and signs that the other is unhappy. Yet if she has always done these things (no ring/no last name change) I'm not sure I would worry 100%. Now if she had your name and changed it to hers, or wore a ring and then stopped....then you might wanna worry.

    Good Luck

    Same!
  • TigressPat
    TigressPat Posts: 722
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    my first response is talk to her. There might be logical explanations for all of it, as previous posters have mentioned.

    you both sound somewhat juvenile in your actions.

    that said, I read some of your previous posts, and your Bipolar disorder combined with your flirtiness here makes me wonder if you have had more say in the "rockiness" of your marriage than this post implies.

    I'm not trying to be a *****, but I spent 7 years of my life with a bi-polar single dad with an Aspergers ADHD son.
    very few moments of those 7 years were EASY, and I thank god very frequently that I turned him down when he asked me to marry him 2 weeks into the relationship (and continued to ask).

    I wish you the best, but flirting here and creating an online persona that is fun and carefree as opposed to your real life issues will only make matters worse.
  • metacognition
    metacognition Posts: 626 Member
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    Revolutionary idea:

    Maybe she likes her birth name and wants to keep it.

    Maybe wearing an expensive piece of jewelry is a fuss and she'd rather not bother just because of a tradition.

    But using your last name only on social networking is a possible red flag.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.

    Well, do you want to exterminate the Jews? :tongue:
  • sa11yjane
    sa11yjane Posts: 491 Member
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    Wow, what a lot of issues for concern and ones that have bothered you for years which is so unhealthy for you and your marriage. To be honest, I think that you should be having a serious chat with your wife; if you are actively seeking grounds for divorce then you are obviously unhappy. Instead of focusing on what she might want, spend some time thinking about what you want and where you want to be in the future.......Please try and talk with her or go for some counselling. I wish you much luck and a favourable eventual outcome. Take care x
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    i've just been called a nazi. my feelings are all hurted.

    Well, do you want to exterminate the Jews? :tongue:
    no, but i would quite like to give people who wear crocs a poke with a pointy stick. does that count?
  • rob1976
    rob1976 Posts: 1,328 Member
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    My first wife complained and made excuses about changing her last name, so she never did it. That's just one of a million reasons why she's the EX-wife.

    When I met my current wife, I told her in no uncertain terms that she was going to take my name. Not hyphenate it, not put it off, not ignore it, and not complain about it. She changed it the very same week we got married. She loves my last name and can't stand when people call her by her maiden name.
  • sa11yjane
    sa11yjane Posts: 491 Member
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    Having responded to your question I have since read your profile. Maybe you should read it too. You are an amazing man who has seen much of life and who has many stresses and challenges. You wrote that your wife is your inspiration......if you mean that then hold on to all the positive things about her that made you write that. Maybe today is just a bad day. Spend some time in prayer, reading your Bible and maybe chat in confidence with your minister. And remember that your very special children need you.....Keep hanging on in there x
  • adenium11
    adenium11 Posts: 173 Member
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    1) Just because she doesnt change her name or wear a ring .. does NOT mean she isnt committed to your marriage. I do believe you need to sit back and look at all the ways she DOES show she commits to your marriage. I do neither as well however I am very committed to our marriage. A name nor ring will solidify a relationship.

    2) If there is no other commitments... find out why.

    3) fix it. I have been seperated and thought it was the best thing. I begged for my marriage back and fight for it daily now. Being content is often better then over the moon happy or continually expecting things that are unfair to you both.

    You got married for a reason, you knew it wasn't going to be easy. If you're looking for ways out.. then maybe she is too. But unfortunately no one but you can determine that. And until you figure out why you both are looking for ways out, if thats the case. Its not fair to walk away without trying to fix them. Being "unhappy" isnt justifiable. Marriage is a devotion.. not a piece of paper that seems to be easily ripped up.

    GO FIGHT!!
  • ShrinkingNinja
    ShrinkingNinja Posts: 460 Member
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    My first wife complained and made excuses about changing her last name, so she never did it. That's just one of a million reasons why she's the EX-wife.

    When I met my current wife, I told her in no uncertain terms that she was going to take my name. Not hyphenate it, not put it off, not ignore it, and not complain about it. She changed it the very same week we got married. She loves my last name and can't stand when people call her by her maiden name.

    While I happily took my husband's name when we got married.. I wouldn't have if he would have done like you said you did. It isn't the husband's place to tell a woman she has to change her name.

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