Not sure what to do or think.......

FitnessPal4L1f3

OK - let me ask you this:

Part One: My wife will NOT change/drop her last name to reflect her married last name nor will she add my last name onto hers. She never switched over her Social Security Card years ago (got married in 2001 - yes 2001 not a type error) as this reflects her maiden name. When I ask her to do so....... many and many excuses follow suite.

Part Two: My wife will not wear a wedding ring. She claims it cuts off circulation, her fingers well, etc, etc. This she did back in 2009. When I ask her to do so....... many and many excuses follow suite.

Part Three: Social Network sites FaceBook, MySpace (back in the day) and other sites she switches between her maiden name, maiden and married name (hypenated) and sometimes just my last name only. Just recently though my last name, removed from everything.

Our marriage - VERY rocky VERY unstable over many years - not because of this or just because of this but other issues.

So my question is this - do these three items have a significant value towards a marriage? What to do if she refuses to do so? Grounds for divorce?

clydethecat

i've been married 5 years, and out of sheer laziness i havent switched my last name over to my married name with social security. i go by my married name but i just havent switched it yet. so i can see her point there, although 12 years of marriage does seem like a long enough time to get your butt in gear.

and no, i dont think just these three things are enough for divorce. there has to be other things in the marriage that make it untenable. are you unhappy? can you fix the problems? do you want to fix the problems? do you still love her enough to make it work? do you have kids? are you fighting a lot? are you fighting in front of the kids?

it takes two people to make a marriage work. you cant be the only one trying. have you had this conversation with her? have you tried marital counseling? if she doesnt want to go to marital counseling, have you tried individual counseling?

if kids are involved, i would try everything i could to make the marriage work. but at some point you may realize its not going to work. thats really sad. be sure that its not going to work before you file for divorce.

i'm so sorry you're going through this. i hope you can work it out. but i understand if it doesnt.

AnninStPaul

Part One: If she's been consistent about not changing her name, it's WAY too late for you to complain or expect her to do so. If your surname is so important to you, why can't you accept that hers is of equal importance? If it's about having the same name, why not change yours?

Part Two: Is she in a job where it creates a problem - like medicine or food prep, that both require more careful handwashing than the rest of us? Or something mechanical where it could catch on something (potentially costing her a finger) or become damaged? Has she always secretly hated it, or did she lose it, and doesn't want to tell you because you're such a pain about it? Did she gain weight or something that makes the ring too tight, and it needs to be re-sized?

Part Three: On this one, I'd say she's done with you. Counseling is your best route.

If it's so rocky and unstable, why are you married? Key question: Do you each make the other a better person?

And for background...DH and I are coming up on 17 years. I used both surnames (combined) until we had kids, and then I got tired of spelling it all of the time. But DH knows that if he had a more difficult surname than I started with, I wouldn't have changed it. We had a friend who was a mechanic, and never wore his wedding ring for fear of it catching on something and costing him the finger. When either of us are doing yard work or DIY projects, we don't wear our rings -- have known too many people who damaged the ring, lost a stone, or lost the ring.

jaymesjourney

I didn't change my name until 8 months afterwards but that was due to moving and just caught up with life. My sister got married back in 2005 and still hasn't changed her due to life/laziness. since day 1 i've NEVER taken off my ring even when my fingers were swollen in the summer time. My husband takes off his in the mornings during his PT because it would fall off. Those in itself aren't grounds for divorce.


Maybe try marriage counseling? That helped my husband and I sooo much! But if you knw in your heart of hearts that its over you need to get out. No need to keep you both unhappy. But first talk to her about it...Good luck!

AllonsYtotheTardis

1) It's her name dude. Her NAME. I kept mine too.

2) some people really don't like wearing jewelry. Shame you didn't know that before you spent the $$ on it

3) that's just behaving like a junior high student - talk with her about WHY she does it, as it makes you feel bad



1 & 2 are insignificant. #3 sounds like she's moody. Talk with her.

Cr01502

She clearly has something to hide.

Skip the suggestions and divorce her @ss.

christinet8504

Is the name THAT big of a deal for you? SO big you would consider divorce. Maybe try taking a look at yourself and see why such an insignificant thing in comparison is the tipping point for you when the rest of the relationship (as you state it) is rocky. As a woman, I dont get the name thing or why its seems so important to some people. Almost as if you have to label her as yours. Shes a person, not a thing to be owned....

1ConcreteGirl

None of those things would seem like a big deal to me except for the fact that you say you have a relationship filled with rocks. That's nonsense.

You already know she is getting her rocks off elsewhere.

MrsPong

When I got married I took his last name, and that was not easy bc his (now ours) is 18 letters long!

I had everything changed over the days after our wedding. I mean EVERYTHING.
Also, let me note. My husband is military so everything had to match, if I took his name I needed it all to say his name.


Wedding ring- I wear mine EVERY day. I have 3 rings to make up my set and I wear them all day. My husband rarely wears his. He doesn't at work because of the type of things he does in the Marines (i understand.) But he will wear it when we go out and about.

My facebook states my first name, married name, and maiden name so other people can find me, like before I got married.

Every relationship has its ups/downs and signs that the other is unhappy. Yet if she has always done these things (no ring/no last name change) I'm not sure I would worry 100%. Now if she had your name and changed it to hers, or wore a ring and then stopped....then you might wanna worry.

Good Luck

sapf

1) I likewise did not change my name. Nor will I. I think that it is ridiculous that a woman is expected to change her name, and I'd never have married my husband if he were the type to insist on me changing it.

2) I hate wearing jewelry. For special events I might put on my rings, but I'd say I'm ring free 90% of the time. That doesn't make me any less committed to my husband.

3) Maybe you are too controlling. People are free to behave as an individual even if they are married. She is not your property, she is not your pet, don't try to control her.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

One: she is actually not required to change her last name to yours. Have you considered changing yours to hers, if it is that important? Is she making excuses or simply explaining something you don't want to understand?

Two: Not sure what to say about that one. Unless she has a job that makes it hard to wear a ring, or if she has gained weight and the ring doesn't fit anymore, I don't know why she would suddenly find a wedding ring uncomfortable after 8 years of marriage, assuming she wore it before 2009.

Three: hard to take seriously anything involving Facebook or MySpace, but isn't this the same as One?

It's impossible to say from a post on a message board if you should get divorced. Are you both unhappy? Have you made an honest effort (both of you) to make things work and not just insist on your own way?

iulia_maddie

You know, I could get past the relationship being crappy in general, but not wearing her ring or changing her name?! Divorce her, you deserve better.

Annie83uk

i think you should talk to her about it, ask her the reasons why she won't change her name, if she has lost someone in her family sometimes people like to keep the name as a heritage, also not everyone changes their name sometimes the man changes his instead. As for the ring if her fingers swell when she wears it then she might feel self conscieous, maybe shes worried that shes gained weight and that wearing the ring will signify this. talking is the best thing to do though.
Hope it all works out for you.

WanderingLass

I changed my last name when I got married to a last name I hated. I changed it back almost before the divorce was final. My last name is part of ME and should I remarry, it will not get changed again.

I don't care to wear jewelry. I wore the rings because he wanted me to. But they came off anytime I was working outside, in the kitchen, washing my hands, in bed, in the shower. Really? They were only on a few hours out of the day because I was really scared to catch them on something. And I'm just an office lady.

As far as the social networking sites - does she have that many different accounts? If so, she sounds like my now ex when he was hiding stuff from me. If she is just changing the name up on one account, it sounds like she's trying to find the best way to keep you happy, herself happy, and still have people be able to find her under both names.

This is something that really needs to be discussed with her, with or without a marriage counselor present. Good luck.

hannakengu

I'm assuming you're both American? I'm Finnish, so this needs to be taken with the understanding that there are cultural differences (=what I say is normal might not be normal for you, but sometimes learning about other cultures can help you put things in perspective)

My mother kept her maiden name when she married my dad in the 80s, and all their kids (=my sister and I) have my mother's last name. That means, my dad is the only one in the family with a different name than the rest of us, and he's perfectly fine with it. His brother's wife kept her last name as well. Even though it's still not as common as changing it, it's completely normal and there are even men who take their wife's name (my boyfriend once said he might consider in the future if we get married). I agree with Allons, it's her NAME. Your name is a big part of your identity, just please consider this in your head for a while: how would you feel if somebody you love/who loves you pressured you into changing your name? Have you considered the fact that she may simple not like your name? I know this might be hurtful, but think about someone trying to make you change your name into something that you thought was absolutely ridiculous-sounding? Liking a name is also a matter of opinion, and somebody's name is a very big part of expressing themselves. (On a more humorous note, have you ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock?)

Does your wife do lots of housework? Getting water/dirt/whatever under a ring can cause a serious rash, especially for people with sensitive skin. Some people's fingers swell up easily, she might be allergic/sensitive to a metal in that ring, the ring might bother her in her job.

I don't think the third one sounds good from any perspective, especially if this removing your name -thing doesn't reflect ups and downs in your marriage. I have to agree with Allons again with this one - sounds like a teenage kid.

The first two are completely her own choices, but the third one does sound upsetting to me.

zoober

Let's review: You've got a rocky and unstable marriage, and there are these things that bother you so much that you are asking us, a bunch of strangers on a website who are trying to stay fit, if you have grounds for divorce.

You've got a couple of options.

One is to stand pat and put up with it. Things will get worse if you do this.

Two is to open up some kind of communication with the missus. This can go either way, but you are both going to have to put in the effort for this to work. It will involve some compromise. Counseling might be in this picture.

Three is you change your mind about how important the name, the ring, the facebook page, and all the other rocky parts are to you. Maybe this works for a while, maybe no, but you can do this all on your own.

Four is just ask for the divorce.

Sorry, that's all I got. Good luck to you and the missus.

bookworm_847

#1: Does she have some attachment to her name or some reason for not wanting to change it? Before I met my husband, my dad said something about how since he doesn't have any sons, that our family name will end with him. That made me think a little about taking my husband's name. I decided to take it since it's one of the things on which I have a fairly traditional view, but perhaps if your wife has some reason then she decided to keep hers.

#2: My mom never used to wear her ring because she was a cook at a restaurant, and then she'd come home and cook dinner. She didn't want it to get ruined, lost, or caught on something. Could it be that your wife doesn't like her ring and just doesn't want to tell you? It seems like that's something she could have addressed some time ago if that was the case, however. Have you tried asking if she'd want to "upgrade" since you've been married for so long?

#3: Social media is strange. People have all sorts of reasons for doing the weird things they do. Have you talked to her directly about it?

I agree with the others who have suggested looking into marital and/or individual counseling. None of us know the whole situation, so maybe it's something a therapist could help you with.

juliemouse83

So, this is just my two cents worth, so take it with a grain of salt...

If it were simply the three items you initially mentioned - last name, wedding ring, social network, I'd say grow a thicker skin, and just deal with it...I mean, it's been what? 12 years?

But it isn't just those things. You said the marriage has been rocky for a while. So, IMHO, things to consider:

-Do you have children together?

- Have you tried counseling? (either together or separate or both) Are either or both of you willing to consider or try counseling?

-How miserable are you? How miserable is she? And I mean LITERALLY miserable.

Life is entirely too damn short to live miserable. I speak from experience. The hubs and I hit a rough patch last year, and I think actually sitting down and getting raw in counseling is probably what saved our marriage. We both believe if we hadn't gone there, we would be divorced.

Like I said, take it with a grain of salt.

Marriage ain't easy, and while you don't stay all romantic-y hearts and flowers gooey, you SHOULD be married to your best friend, and when you aren't? Either fix it or move on.

Mlkmaid

The refusal to change names and legally acknowledge your union sounds like a symptom of the underlying problems. Have you explained to her how this makes you feel?

obrientp

I hate to tell you, but I do think you have a real cause for concern here.
Part one: well, I don't really think that's a sign of anything wrong. Lots of women choose not to change their name and they are happily married.
Part two: A woman doesn't just one day take off her wedding ring she's worn for years, and decide she done wearing it. If she wanted to she could get one that doesn't cut off her circulation. It seems like a red flag to me, especially if you've had a rocky relationship for years.
Part three: I don't understand the different names on different sights at all. I mean, pick a name and stick with it. Sounds more than a little suspicious,like she is trying to cover up something.
I don't know if any of these things taken alone would necessarily mean something is wrong, but all added up I think it would be a good idea the seek some counseling.

glovepuppet

why should we change our names? are we not allowed our own names once we belong to some dude? maybe her family name is something she likes. maybe you get used to your own name after a lifetime of it. changing umpteen accounts is a total pain in the *kitten*. lots of people just don't bother these days. have YOU ever offered to take HER name?

rings are a pain in the *kitten*. people have lost fingers due to rings getting caught. if you're prone to swelling or skin irritation they're a nightmare. i never wear them.

changing the name on facebook is likely a reaction to your oppressive sense of entitlement.

quiksylver296

I have a hypenated last name. I work under my maiden name, and use my husband's last name when not at work. We discussed this at length before we got married. I love my maiden name. It's unique and it had been name my entire life! That is not an easy thing to give up. Luckily, my hubby said "I don't care what your name is, as long as you will marry me."

I didn't wear my ring to work for years, because I didn't want it to get damaged.

I don't change my name on Facebook, tho.

With all that said, if you have suspicions she is cheating on you, ask her. Unless you are paranoid, those suspicions are probably legitimate. Get it all out in the open, then determine if/how you want to work on it.

Ophidion

Well from what you've said her behavior seems to upset you and you also mentioned there are already other problems present and past.

I personally don't care if my partner takes my name or wears a ring...but that is me (personally I think it is an antiquated tradition)

As for grounds for divorce I think your and her happiness are the real issue here...be honest with yourself and her, time is precious and you should be cultivating happiness not doubt.

I can't tell you how to deal with this because love is a tricky thing to quantify, but consider communication not domination.

That being said and probably not much help I wish you both the best and the courage to get the love and attention you seek either through mending these issues or realizing this is not for you.

FussyFruitbat

These things are not the reasons your marriage is rocky, nor grounds for divorce. You obviously know there are underlying issues here, and forcing your wife to use your name and wear her ring won't fix them, it's just controlling. If she wanted to, she would be doing so. You demanding it won't fix whatever reason she doesn't want to.

Her using her own name and not wearing a ring might have nothing to do with the state of your marriage and her feelings towards you.

If you're talking to a fitness forum about your relationship issues instead of your wife or a marriage counselor, no wonder you're in this situation. You have communication issues.

3foldchord

Did you not know these things before you got married? ((that she wanted to keep her last name and not ant to wear a wedding ring)?

LINIA

Just really wish you the best...you have Mood Disorders and are Bi Polar, your two children are both special needs. The one is autistic and the other presents with AdHd.

If at all possible, remain a nuclear family. It takes work but you are 39 years old and you are likely capable of staying within the marriage and working to make it better. Never base your real world life on websites, FB, myspace etc.

I am not exactly sure what meds you take everyday but am thinking you must be on several different medications, may that be something that needs an adjustment?

Rather than upset your entire life, look for the strength to make the best decisions within your present situation.

Here Rooting for you ☺☺☺☺☺

shaydon80

In the words of Train "private eyes solve marriage lies 'cause we don't talk for years..."

My suggestion: Talk to her! Find out what's going on. As individual things, none of this sounds like a big deal to me. A lot of people keep their maiden name (in fact in Quebec it costs thousands of dollars to CHANGE your name!), many women (and men, especially after a certain time together, stop wearing their rings. In twelve years people's bodies change, if she's gained weight she may be telling the truth when she says that the rings don't fit.

In any case, I think you need to talk to her, find out what's going on. Maybe she's unhappy, but if she is then you need to decide whether the two of you want to make it work or go your separate ways. I don't think anyone but the two of you can make that decision.

Blacklance36

The name thing? Thats not a big deal. I agree with others, let that one go.

The ring? Most women love their wedding rings. They show them off and really take care of them. However, I think thats something you have to accept. Some people, male and female, dont like wearing any type of rings. Im one of them.
Whats the saying anyways....engagement ring, wedding ring, suffeRING.

If the marriage is on the rocks the rocks are usually in the bed.

Nightterror218

just sounds like she does not want to fully commit. Name is one thing, odd about the ring though. But your marriage is rocky for other reasons. I would get to issue of why its rocky.

Only thing that pops to me why she would not want to associate with being married is because she wants to look single, maybe for attention.

NavyKnightAh13

1) I changed my last name when I got married. And honestly, I'm glad I did (I got tired of people misspelling my maiden last name, why Green was so hard to spell out I have no idea) and to me, it is significant (ok start blasting me). Also, I changed my card to reflect my name change and it has saved a lot of hassle.

2) My husband, with the work he does as an IT, he can't always wear his wedding ring. And there have been times where I have walked out and forgotten to put mine on (and living in a Catholic community, people notice and nag) or when I go to work out, i take mine off so it doesn't go flying (which I have had happen because of how much weight I have lost) but unless its either weight gain, her work environment, or something significant, it would raise a red flag to me.

3) I never changed my myspace to reflect that I am married (and honestly i forgot my password to it) but I did change my Facebook the day after we got married, as well as my Twitter and I didn't include my maiden name in the change. A friend of mine didn't finally change hers over until after 5 years of marriage and a kid.

I would say if it is bothering you that badly, then either talk to her or go and get counseling, but from what you are saying, it sounds like she has checked out of the marriage a long time ago and is trying to do everything she can do make sure it ends, and yes its hard to hear but it takes 2 for a marriage to work, not just one or the other.

Ophidion

Just really wish you the best...you have Mood Disorders and are Bi Polar, your two children are both special needs. The one is autistic and the other presents with AdHd.

If at all possible, remain a nuclear family. It takes work but you are 39 years old and you are likely capable of staying within the marriage and working to make it better. Never base your real world life on websites, FB, myspace etc.

I am not exactly sure what meds you take everyday but am thinking you must be on several different medications, may that be something that needs an adjustment?

Rather than upset your entire life, look for the strength to make the best decisions within your present situation.

Here Rooting for you ☺☺☺☺☺

I know these were meant as words of encouragement...but really are you a friend of his or just stalk his posts.
I think is very tactless of you to bring up ANY CONDITIONS he may have or not have and to relate his doubt to his meds come-on, that is not only rude but condescending and if he does have any conditions it is something he most probably deals with and not defines who he is.

And hell while I'm at it "If at all possible, remain a nuclear family." this is terrible advice...it basically is saying the same bs I've heard before in other loveless marriages "stay together for the kids sake" Great example to set for children...stay together even if your miserable because your a family (a sad one most probably if that's whats holding it together.)

I am not saying he shouldn't try but I will say just going through the motions is a waste of time for everybody involved.

Your heart was probably in the right place, but I think both your feet are in your mouth.