Feeling LESS sexy the closer I get to goal...

samkelly89

Is anyone else having this problem? This is a bit embarrassing but I'm mostly posting to see if this is common. I started at 220 after having a baby. Then at 187 which was pretty much my pre baby weight, I joined mfp. Now I am 142 and my goal is right around the cornor! I should be excited right?? But the close I get to my goal... the more I am less interested in being intimate with my husband. I feel aweful because I have NEVER had that kind of problem before. I don't know if this is because of the weightloss (seems like it to me) or if it is because I am just getting older.. (18 when we started dating and now I am 24)

Thoughts?

Amandaa887

Have you talked to your husband?
Chances are he thinks you're looking fit and FABULOUS!

Regardless of how we look we all will have some kind of hangup, you need to learn to be super proud of yourself and love what you have and accept what you can't change (if that's the problem).

Go You!

samkelly89

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just wanted to see if this is super normal or something before I talked to my husband about it. He has been so supportive of me losing weight, getting in shape, and all my training for my marathon that I feel so bad bogging him down with this too. I just want to fix it! lol

oX_Vanessa_Xo

Thank you for letting me know it's possible to go from 220 to 147. :flowerforyou:

samkelly89

Thank you for letting me know it's possible to go from 220 to 147. :flowerforyou:

Thanks It has taken me almost 2 years (Super slow progress because I didn't commit to it til last August) But it is very possible!!!

DebbieLyn63

How old is your baby? Hormone levels can go pretty wacky after childbirth and can take a while to straighten out. Rapid weight loss can contribute to hormone imbalance as well. Plus if you are extra tired taking care of the baby, and just the transition to being a mom. All this can mess with your emotions and feelings.

ETA, I see your last post that it has been 2 yrs. You just may be tired from training for the marathon and taking care of a young child. Don't be so hard on yourself, and just enjoy being with your husband. You won't always be on fire, but a comfortable intimacy is fine, and long lasting.

3foldchord

How old is your baby? Hormone levels can go pretty wacky after childbirth and can take a while to straighten out. Rapid weight loss can contribute to hormone imbalance as well. Plus if you are extra tired taking care of the baby, and just the transition to being a mom. All this can mess with your emotions and feelings.

and if you are breastfeeding, you can blame hormones doubly.

samkelly89

How old is your baby? Hormone levels can go pretty wacky after childbirth and can take a while to straighten out. Rapid weight loss can contribute to hormone imbalance as well. Plus if you are extra tired taking care of the baby, and just the transition to being a mom. All this can mess with your emotions and feelings.

She will be 2 in June. I did bf for a long time (18mth) and I figured that my hormones were wacky from that. But I haven't thought I could still be dealing with hormone imbalance. Maybe you are right about that. It truly feels weird that I'm not interested anymore because I always have been before I started losing weight.

annbillingsley

Is anyone else having this problem? This is a bit embarrassing but I'm mostly posting to see if this is common. I started at 220 after having a baby. Then at 187 which was pretty much my pre baby weight, I joined mfp. Now I am 142 and my goal is right around the cornor! I should be excited right?? But the close I get to my goal... the more I am less interested in being intimate with my husband. I feel aweful because I have NEVER had that kind of problem before. I don't know if this is because of the weightloss (seems like it to me) or if it is because I am just getting older.. (18 when we started dating and now I am 24)

Thoughts?

The thought in our culture is "thinner is better". Only YOU know what you feel MOST comfortable with. you can be 150 lbs and be healthier than a 120 lb person with the same dimensions as you. if YOU feel better about the person staring back at you at a heavier weight, there is no reason to gow lower just to reach some arbitrary number on a scale...just make sure to be the healthiest at the weight you choose to be. I have better health than my doctor does and she is 100 lbs lighter than me. I have better health than my counselor who is 10 lbs lighter than me. My bf has better health than I do and he is 10 lbs heavier than I am. If what is staring back at you in the mirror isn't what YOU like, then change it to how YOU like it and forget about that number in the scale. HAPPINESS is much better than any one number on that scale!

magneticcat

I have lost and gained significant amounts weight many times in my short life so far... but I have definitely noticed what you're talking about. Not every time, but it has definitely happened before.

I often find that I am more critical of my own body when I start to pay more attention to it. I find that I also have much higher body image standards when I'm losing weight - and there are times when I think I look really fat etc. when in fact I am SO much slimmer than before... but when I was bigger, I was always trying to convince myself that I was fine... so I would see myself as slimmer than I actually was (does that make sense?) I.e. when I'm fat, I spend my time trying to tell myself I'm slim and fine, and when I'm slim, I see all my flaws and am convinced that I'm still fat. So I think some of these mind games come into the whole self-confidence and therefore keenness for intimacy etc. I often just have to really try hard to remind myself of how far I've come - and be realistic about things ("You are 50 pounds lighter than you used to be and that is a big difference in your appearance!")

However, the other consideration to make is that you may in fact be becoming a little bit depressed. Feeling unable to be excited about things that previously excited you (e.g. your weight loss), and losing interest in intimacy can be symptoms of depression.
Of course, they can also just be symptoms of being busy and tired!

Finally, I think it is normal to feel surprised by your own lack of excitement when a big long-anticipated goal is right around the corner - when we have been visualising and planning for a big milestone or event for a long time, we can often feel unexpectedly deflated and disappointed when they actually eventuate. I think this occurs because we've built them up so much in our mind, and reality is inevitably slightly less shiny and fantastic than what our imaginations can create... I often find that with all sorts of things - big holidays, achieving work/study goals, birthdays/parties, buying nice things etc... sometimes the real thing isn't as exciting as I imagined it would be! But I think that is a normal psychological response to having anticipated something for ages, and then not knowing what to do with oneself when the thing finally happens!

goldielo7

Exercise should make your libido increase. You may have a vitamin deficiency or a hormone imbalance. I would talk to your family practitioner about it. c:
I had a vitamin deficiency which caused a temporary hormone imbalance so my period was late and very unpredictable and I was horny like 24/7. Which sucked.

jenilla1

...I am less interested in being intimate with my husband. I feel aweful because I have NEVER had that kind of problem before. I don't know if this is because of the weightloss (seems like it to me) or if it is because I am just getting older.. (18 when we started dating and now I am 24)

Thoughts?

I'm almost 40 and have been married for 12 years and I still very much enjoy my husband. It's not an age thing - especially since you're only 24! As far as I can tell, that 7-year itch thing is a total myth. Don't feel bad about it, but DO think about seeing your doctor to check your hormones. It's probably just an imbalance that can be easily treated. It's important to get treated so you don't develop emotional hangups. :flowerforyou:

andrederosier

It happens. For our 1st child I was home all day (about 7 hours) with him and then dropped him off at sitter after to go to work 8 hours. After pulling a 17 hour day libido just not there. It happens in lots of marriages after a child is born when so much physical and emotional energy gets directed to the child. I can't say if this is what is happening with you but something to consider.

rebelate

Is anyone else having this problem? This is a bit embarrassing but I'm mostly posting to see if this is common. I started at 220 after having a baby. Then at 187 which was pretty much my pre baby weight, I joined mfp. Now I am 142 and my goal is right around the cornor! I should be excited right?? But the close I get to my goal... the more I am less interested in being intimate with my husband. I feel aweful because I have NEVER had that kind of problem before. I don't know if this is because of the weightloss (seems like it to me) or if it is because I am just getting older.. (18 when we started dating and now I am 24)

Thoughts?

The thought in our culture is "thinner is better". Only YOU know what you feel MOST comfortable with. you can be 150 lbs and be healthier than a 120 lb person with the same dimensions as you. if YOU feel better about the person staring back at you at a heavier weight, there is no reason to gow lower just to reach some arbitrary number on a scale...just make sure to be the healthiest at the weight you choose to be. I have better health than my doctor does and she is 100 lbs lighter than me. I have better health than my counselor who is 10 lbs lighter than me. My bf has better health than I do and he is 10 lbs heavier than I am. If what is staring back at you in the mirror isn't what YOU like, then change it to how YOU like it and forget about that number in the scale. HAPPINESS is much better than any one number on that scale!

THIS 100%.

Being thinner, or smaller doesn't mean you're going to automatically feel great about yourself. I'm 50 pounds overweight, and am very happy with how I look, but am getting concerned with my "health" and not so much my weight. It's really about just feeling good about where you are, and being healthy, at least imo. Maybe try heavy lifting, or getting more fitness goals instead of a number goal. Did you want to lose weight to fit into a certain pair of shorts? To just be that number, or to be healthier? Maybe you just need a reminder of where you wanted to end up and why.

shorty35565

I made it past my goal and it's not enough for me. It's a little discouraging. Like when I was heavier, I had this dream of what I would look like, but this nothing like it. I think it can be common.

arsonsmom

Some times losing weight can affect your sex drive...It is like your body has to catch up with the loss...I feel the same way I was at 360 and I am now at 230...I feel gross...lol skin every where but I have decided to just love me and it will get better!!

Gabrielm80

As others have said hormones. Totally normal for men and women, to have dips in hormones. I myself had this problem awhile back but working out helped. See your family doctor and figure it out. Other than losing the spark your quality of life (positive energy) might not be at its best until you work it out.

5n0wbal1

Being a wife/mommy is a huge deal. I have 2 boys, and my libido has been a roller coaster. I didn't want to make love during either first trimester because I felt so sick, and I didn't want to make love during either third trimester because I felt huge, clumsy, and unsexy. With my first, I was on fire during the second trimester. Not so much with my second. With my first, I was so busy caring for baby I didn't want sex for a while after. After my second though, I couldn't get sex out of my mind! It's nuts!

monk789

I think your best best is to talk it over with your doctor or a councelor. Good luck to you.

Qskim

As others have said ...hormones...I read an interesting success story yday where the person found that after losing weight her hormone levels (after testing) were skewed particularly cortisol. One of the symptoms was a lack of interest in intimacy among others which have been mentioned. Might be worth a trip to Docs.

crystalflame

No experience with the baby side of this, but I know I'm damn tired the longer I train. If I go too long without a break to recover, my sex drive dies - my body wants nothing to do with more physical activity. I don't think it has anything to do with you losing weight, you're probably just run down from everything you're doing. As others have said, look into the potential hormone issues, but also think about if it's time to take a few days off from running and devote that energy elsewhere.

LoveMyLife_NYC

I feel this way sometimes too. I never thought about the way I looked until I decided I needed to start eating right and exercising. Then, my body changed a whole lot, and I wasn't used to the person looking back at me in the mirror. I've become way more critical of my body because I've seen what changes in my diet and exercise routine can do to my body. Some days I feel great, and other days I get totally critical of myself for seemingly no reason.

The feeling causes slight setbacks sometimes with my diet, but I try to remember why I started this journey in the first place - to get healthy. My body will become what it will become. But I know everything I do improves my overall health, and nothing is more important than that.

darylewb

If your net caloric intake is particularly negative, it could effect your sex drive. Or perhaps you are overtraining?

Ed98043

Do you have negative thoughts about your body when you think about sex? Do you find yourself admiring other men, just not your husband? Or are you just not interested at all?

If you're not avoiding sex because you feel ugly or because of some simmering resentment toward your husband, then it's probably hormonal. See your doctor.

SoDamnHungry

I'm also on the "It might be hormones" team. Losing weight and nursing can have influences on your hormone levels.

dimsumkitty

Are you feeling stressed about your weight loss? Stress is the only non-hormonal thing that's ever affected my libido.

directoroflegacy

First well done!! It's good that you lost weight slowly, you are less likely to put it back on.
I agree with the person who said hormone levels plus you are probably more tired than pre baby days!
You are not old !!!!

36jessica

I have lost and gained significant amounts weight many times in my short life so far... but I have definitely noticed what you're talking about. Not every time, but it has definitely happened before.

I often find that I am more critical of my own body when I start to pay more attention to it. I find that I also have much higher body image standards when I'm losing weight - and there are times when I think I look really fat etc. when in fact I am SO much slimmer than before... but when I was bigger, I was always trying to convince myself that I was fine... so I would see myself as slimmer than I actually was (does that make sense?) I.e. when I'm fat, I spend my time trying to tell myself I'm slim and fine, and when I'm slim, I see all my flaws and am convinced that I'm still fat. So I think some of these mind games come into the whole self-confidence and therefore keenness for intimacy etc. I often just have to really try hard to remind myself of how far I've come - and be realistic about things ("You are 50 pounds lighter than you used to be and that is a big difference in your appearance!")

However, the other consideration to make is that you may in fact be becoming a little bit depressed. Feeling unable to be excited about things that previously excited you (e.g. your weight loss), and losing interest in intimacy can be symptoms of depression.
Of course, they can also just be symptoms of being busy and tired!

Finally, I think it is normal to feel surprised by your own lack of excitement when a big long-anticipated goal is right around the corner - when we have been visualising and planning for a big milestone or event for a long time, we can often feel unexpectedly deflated and disappointed when they actually eventuate. I think this occurs because we've built them up so much in our mind, and reality is inevitably slightly less shiny and fantastic than what our imaginations can create... I often find that with all sorts of things - big holidays, achieving work/study goals, birthdays/parties, buying nice things etc... sometimes the real thing isn't as exciting as I imagined it would be! But I think that is a normal psychological response to having anticipated something for ages, and then not knowing what to do with oneself when the thing finally happens!

So much insight and you're so young! I absolutely agree with everything you've said. :flowerforyou:

krumpli

I agree with what some others have said: when I was fat, I was happy. I mean, I knew I was fat, but I also didn't care in some way. Now that I've lost a lot of weight, I am so much more aware of my flaws and more critical of my body. I think because I'm paying attention to it.

What has really helped me is focusing on my fitness goals and successes. Instead of staring at my floppy upper arms, I remember myself benching 100 pounds. It helps!

Remember that your body, while beautiful and certainly worthy of admiration, is mainly a tool. It gets you through life. It gave you a baby! It lets you run and bend and play. You wouldn't say a car with a great engine was worthless just because it had a scratch or two on the paint. It'll still get you where you need to be, and fast! So admire your body for what it can do!

glovepuppet

could well be hormonal.

...though i've found that, once we leave our teens behind, sometimes sexy requires a little work. just being naked isn't enough.

what would make you feel sexy? reading erotica? a blindfold? new underwear? toys? watching adult movies together?

also, *kitten* helps. the more you O, the more your hormones rage, the more you want sex.

get rid of the kidlet and have a night of romance? chocolate body paint?

we're willing to work at just about everything else in our lives, but when it comes to sex and love we just hope it'll happen by magic. but, like anything else, if you put in a little effort it usually pays off.

samkelly89

Wow I wish I couls respond to each of you individually because I really appreciate all of this support and advice on the subject. I talked it over with my husband last night and between that conversation, and all of what you guys have said, this is what I have come to:

1. As a lot of you have said, I am super busy with my job, training for my marathon, and having a near 2 year old. I think I have never been this busy before and it is making me tired at the end of the day.

2. I found out that lately my husband has been the same way! This was a relief. We have had a lot of stressed on us lately and I guess it is making him just as tired as me. lol

3. It also might be a hormonal thing, I do train hard and often and I eat at a deficit. I also need to strat taking vitamins i know I don't think it would hurt to see a doctor if this continues past my marathon (may 19th!!!!)

4. My goal is extremely close and as some of you mentioned, I've had all of these expectations of what that should feel like. I know i will feel great about it and all my success eventually but it might take my mind a little time to catch up with my body (which is ok, it's a journey)

4.5. I am also super critical about my body with the more weight I lose and fitness goals I achieve. But I think my lack of energy in the bedroom is more of a libido thing than a "I look fat and I'm uncomfortable with my husband" thing.

5. All in All, I feel way better and I'm glad that I posted this topic and got all the feedback. I'm also glad that my husband and I have such a strong marraige because after our talk last night, I realized that this is not as big of a deal as it feels like in my mind. It's just a phase and life happens. I actually cried a little when I told him how bad I feel and he comforted me and reminded me that he is always will be the most supportive person in my corner.

Thank you all so much!