Dealing with the anniversary of a death

_SusieQ_

One of my dear friends lost her teenage daughter last year to a senseless act of violence. Kayla was shot and killed one day after her high school graduation.

The anniversary of her death is in 20 days. I want to do something for my friend, but am at a loss as to what. I suppose I'm posting this here to see if anyone has advice that has perhaps been through such a tragedy and can give me guidance.

A card, flowers?? Her work schedule makes it difficult to get together, and she seems to be pulling back into a shell this month when last month she seemed to be doing much better. As the anniversary approaches though, it gets...stifling to her.

I don't want to ignore the day, the worst day of her life so far. Yet I don't want to make anything worse.

**I put this in Chit Chat only because it isn't fitness related in any way. But I can't post on FB b/c she is there. Thanks for your thoughts.

Crankstr

I dont know what to say but I am here for you, I will think about it:flowerforyou:

Timshel_

I don't want to ignore the day, the worst day of her life so far. Yet I don't want to make anything worse.

That is the key, right there. The best you can do is be there for her and plya it by ear. Flowers would be thoughtful and not overbearing though. Be ready to talk...maybe cry.

All the best.

Jersey_Devil

no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

pastryari

I don't have any advice to give but I just wanted to say something. I hope you find a way to be there for her. Such a terrible loss to have to live with. *hugs*

PomegranatePriestess

First, I think it's wonderful that you want to do something for your friend.

If there is a charity organization that would make sense, you could make a donation in Kayla's honor and have the notification sent to your friend.

yo_andi

How awful. I echo "just being there". In lieu of getting together I would send a card.

Much love to you for being a wonderful friend, and a prayer for peace for your friend.

BeachIron

Just be there, and I mean seriously be there. Swing by her house when she gets home just to say hi. Bring a bottle of wine (or 3). Be prepared for her to say "no" but also be prepared to just sit, listen and be a shoulder.

Don't send flowers or a card or any of the other stuff. Your friend got plenty of that last year. It doesn't help.

michellechawner

Making a donation would be nice. Getting her cards or flowers may just be a reminder of that day, and make her more upset.

I agree with everyone who said just be there. There's nothing better than just having someone there when you need someone.

henn1230

Pick up the phone and call her on the day. Tell her you are thinking about her and her daughter (one of the big things is worrying that no one will remember your loved one). Let her talk and cry. And cry with her.

melindasuefritz

my son was still born
we havee a family dinner
then puit flowers or windmills or whatever on th e grave

nikkimarie330

As someone who is just recently dealt with the 1 year anniversary of m god daughters death...don't be pushy. Make it known that you are there if she needs you. Don't ask "how are you?" Let her tell you if she is so inclined to do so, because chances are she isn't going to be that open with how she really is. Like someone said, don't send flowers, she got enough of those.

Ask her if she has any plans for that day. She may want to be with her family, and remember her daughters life in private. She may want to be alone and just cry.

If you want to give her something, a card with a handwritten message, not the typical "my sympathies are with you on this hard day" type of cards.

lilbearzmom

no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

This! Today is my brother's birthday- he passed too young 2 years ago. I would value (and I think my parents would too) a call just to say you are there over anything that cost money. Honestly.

supermodelchic

My husband bought me some rose bushes to plant in honor of my mother, when she was killed. so when I looked at and cared for them I would think of her full of life, not death

Timshel_

no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died.

That is a really good point.

AmberleyAngel

I have experience with this as the one grieving. I can say that everyone is different so it is hard to know what the "right" thing would be.

A bunch of flowers picked from your garden tied with ribbons and on each ribbon something written, like the girl's birthdate, the date of her graduation etc.

Sharing your memories or observations of her daughter or the mother/daughter relationship, whether by verse, letter, card, or chat.

Offering to go with her to the cemetary or wherever and do something special.

A rose or other plant which bears a name that has relevance to the daughter or occasion. For example I was given a rose bush called Compassion.

A treat pack for relaxing.

Do you have any photos of the girl which the mother might not? Wrap them with a ribbon, insert with a card or make a little album. Make copies of the photos if you don't want to give the originals away.

She might just want to get away from everything familiar. I did on the first anniversary of my husband's death, so I went on a 3 week overseas holiday. A fuel voucher or offering to babysit if she has other children so she can have some time for herself could be appropriate.

I hope that helps inspire you in some way. Bless your heart for wanting to be so sensitive to your friend's situation.

thewickedlifter

The best thing you can do is be there and truly listen. Cards, flowers and the like are sweet gestures, but trust me they aren't necessary. I have 5 such anniversaries every year and my friends know to pick up the phone or show up at my door. It means more than you can possibly know to the person grieving. You are clearly a good friend, my deepest sympathies.

CarolinaGirlinVA

I like the idea of making a donation in her daughter's name. A friend did that in my daughter's name and gave me a certificate. It touched me so much to know my daughter's death wasn't completely in vain and that maybe another child could hurt a little less.

Thank you for being there for her, she will remember who was brave enough to mention her daughter.

Lift_This_

no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

QFT

its hard to "find the right thing to give or do," best thing would to be there for that friend. talk, console. every little bit helps.

kar328

Just be there, definitely. Knowing that people other than the family are remembering her child will mean a lot. Play it by ear in case that's not going to work. One thing I did - on the first wedding anniversary after my Dad died, I gave my Mom one of those "name a star" documents, had my Dad's name put on it. But that may not work for everyone.

hellraisedfire

perhaps take flowers to kayla's grave. it'll mean a lot to her that you're mourning her death with her. my best friend died a couple years ago, and the only thing that really kept me going were his other friends.