Dealing with the anniversary of a death

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Replies

  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    I would not acknowledge the date, unless you really really know she does things like that. Touch base with her now, and then near tat date, just to say hi.

    She WILL be sad, there is no way to stop that.
  • PetulantOne
    PetulantOne Posts: 2,131 Member
    I would also say just call her. Make sure she knows she can lean on you. I'm so sorry..
  • weevil66
    weevil66 Posts: 600 Member
    Be there for your friend, call her, stop by if you feel it is right. If she wants to talk, cry, sit there in silence with you, let her. If she wants to be alone, understand. If you want to send a card or something along those lines, perhaps a handwritten one. These 'firsts' are effin g-dmned awful. Bless you for wanting to be there for your friend.
  • _chiaroscuro
    _chiaroscuro Posts: 1,340 Member
    Without going into details I will say I've been in the position of trying to see someone through unimaginable loss and grief. Sometimes you feel like a bad friend because nothing you do can take away that pain. But that's not your job. Your job is to simply be available. Be present, in whatever capacity you're needed. The time I felt I did the most good was sitting for hours, holding hands and wiping tears and not saying a word of comfort or wisdom. Just hurting, but knowing we loved each other and that was enough. I am very sorry for the tragedy that has touched your lives and taken someone too soon.
  • ImNotThatBob
    ImNotThatBob Posts: 371 Member
    PomegranatePriestess said:
    If there is a charity organization that would make sense, you could make a donation in Kayla's honor and have the notification sent to your friend.

    It let's her know you care and are doing something to help others in her honor and memory.

    Losing someone is a constant struggle between missing what was / what could have been, and worrying about memories fading. Then there is the question, "Why?" especially in such a senseless situation.

    "I'm here for you" always worked better for me than "How are you doing".

    Follow your heart. You'll know what your friend needs from you.
  • Elleinnz
    Elleinnz Posts: 1,661 Member
    On my nephew's one year passing on I bought my brother and sister in law two olive trees that they could plant in their garden in remembrance of Richard. He loved olives, so it was an acknowledgement that he will always be part of our lives....
  • divinenanny
    divinenanny Posts: 90 Member
    I just want to say that for some people, a card or flowers can be right.

    I lost my father when I was 14, and I am never one for talking about emotions (just with DH). If someone calls on that day, I don't find it as comforting as most. A card lets somebody know that you are thinking of them, empathising with them, but gives them space to do their own thing.

    Not saying that this is right for you friend, or for anybody else, just wanted to share what I found (and still find) comforting.
  • Spokez70
    Spokez70 Posts: 548 Member
    Don't be offended if she is a little antisocial around the date. Let your friend know you remember and that you are thinking about her- not just this year but in the future. The first anniversary of a horrible personal tragedy like that everyone remembers. In five or ten years most everyone elses memory has faded and they've moved on with their lives- but it will still be immensely painful for her so always just let her know you remember and are there for her.
  • mikeschratz
    mikeschratz Posts: 253 Member
    I have a friend who lost his son on May 21st, every year we do a poker run and the proceeds from the poker run go to a community organization fighting senseless violence here in Savannah, GA.
    The poker run is done with family and friends, not too many outsiders, and we collect about $1000 dollars every year to give to the organization. With that, it gets folks together with my friend and keeps them in the moment, with quite a bit of support from loving family and friends.
    You and your friend will be in my prayers, it is a hard thing to watch my friend go through every year, but year by year he is getting better with the dealing part.
    Be good to God's kids today,
  • Kyrosh
    Kyrosh Posts: 238
    One of my friends was Meredith Kercher. The girl who was killed in Perugia, Italy.

    Her sister set up a Facebook page for her and there are so many people who post on there. Not only on her birthday or day of death, but also just throughout the year, just to say 'I'm thinking of you'.
    She has a website set up in her memory and for her parents to be able to pay all the legal bills etc...

    What I do every year is just light a candle for her. But I still think of her throughout the year anyway, especially when new news comes out.
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    First I want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I appreciate the time and thought put into each response.

    Second, I'm sorry for each of you who have experienced such tragedy. It's difficult enough to watch those you love go through something, so I can't even begin to imagine having to live it yourself.

    Some really great ideas in here, and I appreciate it very much.
  • JMPerlin
    JMPerlin Posts: 287 Member
    My Dad will be gone 1 year in June. I still and always will miss him.
  • megalin9
    megalin9 Posts: 771 Member
    I think sending a "Thinking of You" card and flowers would be great. I have read that one of the biggest things parents fear when they lose a child is that their child will be forgotten about. Everybody sends flowers and cards and is there for support when the child first passes, but as time goes on, those things become fewer and far between. I think she would appreciate that you haven't forgotten her or her daughter.

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