I want to hear from loved ones of depressed people.

Ramberta

I talked to my boyfriend less than an hour ago on the phone. I told him how much I missed him today and how much I was looking forward to coming home and being with him. He said he missed me too and agreed that we should do something together when I got home. I came home... and he's sound asleep.

If you have first-hand experience with depression or anxiety, or have dated / been related to / been close to someone who has experienced either of these, please read on.

If you do not have personal experience with depression or anxiety, either yourself or someone close to you, then I do not need your input. Thank you.

Okay, so. I've been living with my boyfriend since September, and we've been "official" since October-- so we're coming up on 8 months together, here. We knew each other for a little bit less than a year before we moved in together. He's only about 3 months younger than me, and I would say we are at similar levels of intellect.

But anyway, I have been getting increasingly frustrated with his complete lack of motivation to do, well... ANYTHING. I understand depression-- I went through it myself after my mother died without even realizing what it was until I was already clawing my way out of it, though I'm still not completely on my own two feet. I've been seeing a wonderful therapist on and off for the past 3 years, and have tried to be more self-aware and have tried to structure my life in ways that I feel will enable me to be most successful.

My boyfriend is unemployed, sleeps 12-14 hours a day, which usually means he goes to bed before I do and wakes up after I do. He has zero energy (and nearly zero sex drive), and rarely suggests any activities for the two of us to do (and when he does, it's the same 3-4 activities over and over). I understand that some of his lethargy is from his medication cocktail, but I see myself in him too because I used to sleep all day and be up all night, and would often sleep for more than 10 hours during the daytime. However, it just means that even when he's "here", it feels like he's not, and I get lonely when he's passed out asleep at 6pm... or now, at 2:30pm after I know he got a full night's sleep.

He never offers to do any housework, is horridly messy, and when I ask him to do chores (usually just loading & unloading the dishwasher and taking our garbage to the dumpster), I have to ask for multiple days in a row before he finally does it. I try to be patient, I try to explain that I like to keep a clean house without being condescending or rude, but when he deliberately does what I ask him not to do over and over sometimes I snap at him, especially on days when I am really looking forward to spending time with him and he is too tired to do anything!!

TL;DR my question to you all is this: If you are with a depressed person, either a close friend / roommate, a spouse, or another relative, and you are frustrated with something they are doing / not doing-- how do you approach them in a way that does not come off as negative? I know that every time I get irritated with my boyfriend, it is entirely unnecessary and unproductive. It just makes him upset and defensive and makes me feel guilty after the anger recedes. But how am I supposed to convey my dissatisfaction with his unwillingness to be motivated without upsetting him? I don't really care about him not having a job right now, so long as he is emotionally supportive of me (which he is, when he is awake) and is at least willing to help out around the house without me asking him 2-4 times for each chore! That's all I really need, and it really hurts when it feels like he can't even give that to me.

I realize this post is painting my boyfriend in a bad light, and as frustrated as I am with him sometimes I just want you all to know that I do really love him, and he really loves me. Unfortunately, I have already had to end one relationship where love simply wasn't enough to succeed, and if things keep going in this same pattern this will probably be another one. But if all you have to say is "just break up", I'm not even going to acknowledge your reply, so go ahead and save yourself the trouble and move on.

Thank you in advance for your response!

Ramberta

bump

Gunr2147

It's hard to change someone or motivate them if they don't want to do it themselves. I am married to a woman that is constantly up and down and it has been the hardest part about our marriage for me. The best advise I can give you is to let him know how you feel and try and get him up and around with you. If he can't or won't your mind may already be made up....

bearkisses

sorry, I skimmed

I grew up very predisposed to a plethora of issues, and was actively self-harming, suicidal, and depressed from about age 14- early 20s. It has nearly completely tapered off. I am just really cognizant of my emotions right now, for the past few years, and have been so grateful for the work that I am doing to help me through it.

I remember going to a doctor when I was 17. My exboyfriend, who was 3 years older than me, that I was living with, had just broken up with me because he said he loved me but I was too depressed, and he couldn't deal with it. When I told the doctor, she started bashing him saying that if somebody loves you that they will help you through the bad times.

At the time, I agreed with her.

Now, I completely disagree with her. I really feel that depression (and anxiety) not only hurt those that are living with it, but friends and family and the public even.

Counselling did not work for me. What worked for me was my motivation and goals. I wanted to go to college. So I went. I wanted to go to university. So I went. I wanted to work with people and strive for excellence in my field. So I did. It increased all my protective factors for living, and for being happy.

However, counselling does work for a lot of people. Has he seen a counsellor? Right now, it sounds like he sees absolutely no reason to live if he is sleeping through every moment. Take him to a counsellor. Go with him. Be the only one to talk until he is ready to go by himself. Otherwise, it is not up to you to suffer.

If he absolutely refuses to go to counselling, start engaging in positive living with him. Doing meditaition, daily affirmations, walks in the park, engaging in hobbies (he has to have some interests buried underneath the darkness, give him a camera, bring him to tennis, have a movie night at home, play cards, do ANYTHING), focus on his strengths.

Even if he did nothing that day, and got out of bed at 6pm...something got him out of bed at 6pm, what was it, why did he want to get out of bed? Congratulate him for it.

I wish you the very very best. It sounds tough.

Ramberta

sorry, I skimmed

I grew up very predisposed to a plethora of issues, and was actively self-harming, suicidal, and depressed from about age 14- early 20s. It has nearly completely tapered off. I am just really cognizant of my emotions right now, for the past few years, and have been so grateful for the work that I am doing to help me through it.

I remember going to a doctor when I was 17. My exboyfriend, who was 3 years older than me, that I was living with, had just broken up with me because he said he loved me but I was too depressed, and he couldn't deal with it. When I told the doctor, she started bashing him saying that if somebody loves you that they will help you through the bad times.

At the time, I agreed with her.

Now, I completely disagree with her. I really feel that depression (and anxiety) not only hurt those that are living with it, but friends and family and the public even.

Counselling did not work for me. What worked for me was my motivation and goals. I wanted to go to college. So I went. I wanted to go to university. So I went. I wanted to work with people and strive for excellence in my field. So I did. It increased all my protective factors for living, and for being happy.

However, counselling does work for a lot of people. Has he seen a counsellor? Right now, it sounds like he sees absolutely no reason to live if he is sleeping through every moment. Take him to a counsellor. Go with him. Be the only one to talk until he is ready to go by himself. Otherwise, it is not up to you to suffer.

If he absolutely refuses to go to counselling, start engaging in positive living with him. Doing meditaition, daily affirmations, walks in the park, engaging in hobbies (he has to have some interests buried underneath the darkness, give him a camera, bring him to tennis, have a movie night at home, play cards, do ANYTHING), focus on his strengths.

Even if he did nothing that day, and got out of bed at 6pm...something got him out of bed at 6pm, what was it, why did he want to get out of bed? Congratulate him for it.

I wish you the very very best. It sounds tough.

Thank you for your suggestions, what do you mean by daily affirmations?

He is seeing a therapist-- I forgot to mention that in the OP. But it hasn't been regular, since he's switched therapists twice this year already and has had to skip / reschedule a couple sessions because his mother prefers that he doesn't drive himself places (since he used to steal DXM from drug stores). When he was in rehab he did well in the structured programs there, but now that it's been several months he is still sober, but lacks motivation to immerse himself in any sort of program, even AA. He tried to take a class this past semester but quickly dropped it.

He has interests, but they mostly revolve around video games and similar stuff to that, so it's difficult to get him excited about doing things outside the house. We play a lot of games together. He's gotten me into watching Dr. Who lately, but his attention span is so short that after one episode he's bored of it...

MsPudding

The bottom line is that you can't motivate him if he's got depression - only he can find a way out of that with the help of medication and/or counselling.

This may not help but I will give you one piece of advice and that is to never sacrifice yourself upon the bonfire of someone else's woes. You can be supportive, you can encourage them to seek help but if it looks like their depression is going to drag you under with them, you have to let your survival instinct kick in.

I had a bi-polar partner I lived with for 10 years and I didn't actually realise what a toll that relationship took on me until I cut loose from it. In those 10 years he barely worked, ran up debt (and I ran up debt bailing him out) and was generally unmotivated and simply not very 'giving' in an emotional sense. On the flipside, when he was up he'd invest in 'get rich quick schemes', rattle away ten to the dozen, stop taking medication because he thought he didn't need it ...oh and have sex with random women he picked up on the Net.

So support him, but for god's sake take care of yourself because let me tell you, living with a seriously depressed person is like a death from a thousand cuts....you take on more and more, forgive more and more, accept less and less, get lower and lower and ultimately something gives.

The very best of luck to you.

hbrittingham

I think my first suggestion is that he have a complete physical with bloodwork. Rule out any and all health issues and then, if he's got a clean bill of health, address the mental side.

My husband went through a huge depression when we went through a rough patch in our marriage a year ago. The marriage counselor told him that he had to be active. Volunteer, exercise, interact with people. The more he allowed himself to shut down, the more withdrawn he became and the more he slept. Basically, his life sucked at the time. With counseling and working through our marriage issues, he was finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel without the help of medicine. Though he was willing to take antidepressants had he needed them.

Okay, I just read your response to someone else that said he's in counseling. He is also a recovering addict. My husband is a recovering addict, too. I think when an addict stops their drug of choice, unless they get the counseling they need to address WHY they were an addict, they wallow. They don't have their "pain reliever" to cover their feelings and they finally have to face the real world. So I still think counseling is really what he needs, but maybe a counselor whose strengths are dealing with recovering addicts.

Oh, and the gaming can become a huge issue. Addicts who haven't addressed the reason for their addictions tend to transfer their addictions to something else. My husband transferred his to food. Your boyfriend may transfer his to gaming.

Good luck!

Ramberta

The bottom line is that you can't motivate him if he's got depression - only he can find a way out of that with the help of medication and/or counselling.

This may not help but I will give you one piece of advice and that is to never sacrifice yourself upon the bonfire of someone else's woes. You can be supportive, you can encourage them to seek help but if it looks like their depression is going to drag you under with them, you have to let your survival instinct kick in.

I had a bi-polar partner I lived with for 10 years and I didn't actually realise what a toll that relationship took on me until I cut loose from it. In those 10 years he barely worked, ran up debt (and I ran up debt bailing him out) and was generally unmotivated and simply not very 'giving' in an emotional sense. On the flipside, when he was up he'd invest in 'get rich quick schemes', rattle away ten to the dozen, stop taking medication because he thought he didn't need it ...oh and have sex with random women he picked up on the Net.

So support him, but for god's sake take care of yourself because let me tell you, living with a seriously depressed person is like a death from a thousand cuts....you take on more and more, forgive more and more, accept less and less, get lower and lower and ultimately something gives.

The very best of luck to you.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear you had to go through all that.

I have already ended one bad relationship (unsurprisingly, with another mentally traumatized person), and it was very difficult to do, but believe me, my survival instinct will kick in if it has to.

It just makes me so sad because when he is actually awake and has a modicum of energy, he really makes me happy. Happier than I've been in a long time, and on the really good days, I can see myself staying with him for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately those good days are fairly rare. :-/

Ramberta

I think my first suggestion is that he have a complete physical with bloodwork. Rule out any and all health issues and then, if he's got a clean bill of health, address the mental side.

My husband went through a huge depression when we went through a rough patch in our marriage a year ago. The marriage counselor told him that he had to be active. Volunteer, exercise, interact with people. The more he allowed himself to shut down, the more withdrawn he became and the more he slept. Basically, his life sucked at the time. With counseling and working through our marriage issues, he was finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel without the help of medicine. Though he was willing to take antidepressants had he needed them.

Okay, I just read your response to someone else that said he's in counseling. He is also a recovering addict. My husband is a recovering addict, too. I think when an addict stops their drug of choice, unless they get the counseling they need to address WHY they were an addict, they wallow. They don't have their "pain reliever" to cover their feelings and they finally have to face the real world. So I still think counseling is really what he needs, but maybe a counselor whose strengths are dealing with recovering addicts.

Oh, and the gaming can become a huge issue. Addicts who haven't addressed the reason for their addictions tend to transfer their addictions to something else. My husband transferred his to food. Your boyfriend may transfer his to gaming.

Good luck!

I have tried to get my boyfriend to be more active-- he used to lift weights a lot, so sometimes I get him to go to the gym with me, though most of the time he declines. We also take walks sometimes, but he simply runs out of energy before I do, so when I want a serious workout I just go by myself. How was your husband able to overcome his lack of energy in the physical activities?

And the gaming has always been a huge part of my boyfriend's life, but it's actually a way we bond together rather than a harmful addiction, at least in my eyes. However, it's all the more worrying to me when he doesn't even have the energy to get up and play for a while...

jasmineconley

Does he realize he's depressed? You won't get any change out of him if he doesn't know or put effort into it. He may be someone with a chronic depression, or maybe even a severe depression. I think people forget you don't just snap out of depression, not you just in general. If you aren't happy tell him, if it doesn't change to where you'd like it then you have some decisions to make.

bearkisses

sorry, I skimmed

I grew up very predisposed to a plethora of issues, and was actively self-harming, suicidal, and depressed from about age 14- early 20s. It has nearly completely tapered off. I am just really cognizant of my emotions right now, for the past few years, and have been so grateful for the work that I am doing to help me through it.

I remember going to a doctor when I was 17. My exboyfriend, who was 3 years older than me, that I was living with, had just broken up with me because he said he loved me but I was too depressed, and he couldn't deal with it. When I told the doctor, she started bashing him saying that if somebody loves you that they will help you through the bad times.

At the time, I agreed with her.

Now, I completely disagree with her. I really feel that depression (and anxiety) not only hurt those that are living with it, but friends and family and the public even.

Counselling did not work for me. What worked for me was my motivation and goals. I wanted to go to college. So I went. I wanted to go to university. So I went. I wanted to work with people and strive for excellence in my field. So I did. It increased all my protective factors for living, and for being happy.

However, counselling does work for a lot of people. Has he seen a counsellor? Right now, it sounds like he sees absolutely no reason to live if he is sleeping through every moment. Take him to a counsellor. Go with him. Be the only one to talk until he is ready to go by himself. Otherwise, it is not up to you to suffer.

If he absolutely refuses to go to counselling, start engaging in positive living with him. Doing meditaition, daily affirmations, walks in the park, engaging in hobbies (he has to have some interests buried underneath the darkness, give him a camera, bring him to tennis, have a movie night at home, play cards, do ANYTHING), focus on his strengths.

Even if he did nothing that day, and got out of bed at 6pm...something got him out of bed at 6pm, what was it, why did he want to get out of bed? Congratulate him for it.

I wish you the very very best. It sounds tough.

Thank you for your suggestions, what do you mean by daily affirmations?

He is seeing a therapist-- I forgot to mention that in the OP. But it hasn't been regular, since he's switched therapists twice this year already and has had to skip / reschedule a couple sessions because his mother prefers that he doesn't drive himself places (since he used to steal DXM from drug stores). When he was in rehab he did well in the structured programs there, but now that it's been several months he is still sober, but lacks motivation to immerse himself in any sort of program, even AA. He tried to take a class this past semester but quickly dropped it.

He has interests, but they mostly revolve around video games and similar stuff to that, so it's difficult to get him excited about doing things outside the house. We play a lot of games together. He's gotten me into watching Dr. Who lately, but his attention span is so short that after one episode he's bored of it...

it sounds like he is making lots of attempts. that's really great.

by affirmations, i just mean positive affirmations. so for example, "i will live life one step at a time". i know it seems silly, but it really really is helpful for some people.

what others are saying is correct, you can't motivate someone if they don't want to be motivated. even if you do choose to cut him loose, for your own sanity. always love and encourage him!

how old is your boyfriend and what area of the world do you live in?

Ramberta

Does he realize he's depressed? You won't get any change out of him if he doesn't know or put effort into it. He may be someone with a chronic depression, or maybe even a severe depression. I think people forget you don't just snap out of depression, not you just in general. If you aren't happy tell him, if it doesn't change to where you'd like it then you have some decisions to make.

He knows he's depressed, he has been for several years-- I think it's gotten to the point now where he uses it as a crutch ("I can't feel motivated" "I can't want to do things" "I can't fix myself").

I realize that depression is a long process that is not "fixed" overnight, and usually it never goes away completely (I still battle with mine every couple months and have a really terrible few days), but considering we've been living together for 8 months and he hasn't once made any initiation towards progressing without me or his mother pushing him, it's a little disappointing, that's all.

Ramberta

sorry, I skimmed

I grew up very predisposed to a plethora of issues, and was actively self-harming, suicidal, and depressed from about age 14- early 20s. It has nearly completely tapered off. I am just really cognizant of my emotions right now, for the past few years, and have been so grateful for the work that I am doing to help me through it.

I remember going to a doctor when I was 17. My exboyfriend, who was 3 years older than me, that I was living with, had just broken up with me because he said he loved me but I was too depressed, and he couldn't deal with it. When I told the doctor, she started bashing him saying that if somebody loves you that they will help you through the bad times.

At the time, I agreed with her.

Now, I completely disagree with her. I really feel that depression (and anxiety) not only hurt those that are living with it, but friends and family and the public even.

Counselling did not work for me. What worked for me was my motivation and goals. I wanted to go to college. So I went. I wanted to go to university. So I went. I wanted to work with people and strive for excellence in my field. So I did. It increased all my protective factors for living, and for being happy.

However, counselling does work for a lot of people. Has he seen a counsellor? Right now, it sounds like he sees absolutely no reason to live if he is sleeping through every moment. Take him to a counsellor. Go with him. Be the only one to talk until he is ready to go by himself. Otherwise, it is not up to you to suffer.

If he absolutely refuses to go to counselling, start engaging in positive living with him. Doing meditaition, daily affirmations, walks in the park, engaging in hobbies (he has to have some interests buried underneath the darkness, give him a camera, bring him to tennis, have a movie night at home, play cards, do ANYTHING), focus on his strengths.

Even if he did nothing that day, and got out of bed at 6pm...something got him out of bed at 6pm, what was it, why did he want to get out of bed? Congratulate him for it.

I wish you the very very best. It sounds tough.

Thank you for your suggestions, what do you mean by daily affirmations?

He is seeing a therapist-- I forgot to mention that in the OP. But it hasn't been regular, since he's switched therapists twice this year already and has had to skip / reschedule a couple sessions because his mother prefers that he doesn't drive himself places (since he used to steal DXM from drug stores). When he was in rehab he did well in the structured programs there, but now that it's been several months he is still sober, but lacks motivation to immerse himself in any sort of program, even AA. He tried to take a class this past semester but quickly dropped it.

He has interests, but they mostly revolve around video games and similar stuff to that, so it's difficult to get him excited about doing things outside the house. We play a lot of games together. He's gotten me into watching Dr. Who lately, but his attention span is so short that after one episode he's bored of it...

it sounds like he is making lots of attempts. that's really great.

by affirmations, i just mean positive affirmations. so for example, "i will live life one step at a time". i know it seems silly, but it really really is helpful for some people.

what others are saying is correct, you can't motivate someone if they don't want to be motivated. even if you do choose to cut him loose, for your own sanity. always love and encourage him!

how old is your boyfriend and what area of the world do you live in?

He's going to be 25 this weekend, and I'm 25 also. We both live near Chicago in the USA.

I will always love and encourage him, just like I will also always love and encourage my ex, who also struggled with depression and horrific events that happened in her childhood.

I don't actually want to cut him loose, which is why I am trying to get more insight into how to help him help himself. Because me having a short fuse is not going to be helpful for either of us.

jasmineconley

Does he realize he's depressed? You won't get any change out of him if he doesn't know or put effort into it. He may be someone with a chronic depression, or maybe even a severe depression. I think people forget you don't just snap out of depression, not you just in general. If you aren't happy tell him, if it doesn't change to where you'd like it then you have some decisions to make.

He knows he's depressed, he has been for several years-- I think it's gotten to the point now where he uses it as a crutch ("I can't feel motivated" "I can't want to do things" "I can't fix myself").

I realize that depression is a long process that is not "fixed" overnight, and usually it never goes away completely (I still battle with mine every couple months and have a really terrible few days), but considering we've been living together for 8 months and he hasn't once made any initiation towards progressing without me or his mother pushing him, it's a little disappointing, that's all.

I totally understand... The saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Calliope610

My husband of 11 years is diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain issues. It took me a long time to accept his (and my) situation. Acceptance is the key. I don't know what to tell you, b/c you can't fix him, you can't make him "get better". You just have to decide if it is something you can live with and accept. Even if you love him, if you can't accept him and his depression, you best get out now, because living with a depressed loved one is one helluva bumpy road.

hbrittingham

I think my first suggestion is that he have a complete physical with bloodwork. Rule out any and all health issues and then, if he's got a clean bill of health, address the mental side.

My husband went through a huge depression when we went through a rough patch in our marriage a year ago. The marriage counselor told him that he had to be active. Volunteer, exercise, interact with people. The more he allowed himself to shut down, the more withdrawn he became and the more he slept. Basically, his life sucked at the time. With counseling and working through our marriage issues, he was finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel without the help of medicine. Though he was willing to take antidepressants had he needed them.

Okay, I just read your response to someone else that said he's in counseling. He is also a recovering addict. My husband is a recovering addict, too. I think when an addict stops their drug of choice, unless they get the counseling they need to address WHY they were an addict, they wallow. They don't have their "pain reliever" to cover their feelings and they finally have to face the real world. So I still think counseling is really what he needs, but maybe a counselor whose strengths are dealing with recovering addicts.

Oh, and the gaming can become a huge issue. Addicts who haven't addressed the reason for their addictions tend to transfer their addictions to something else. My husband transferred his to food. Your boyfriend may transfer his to gaming.

Good luck!

I have tried to get my boyfriend to be more active-- he used to lift weights a lot, so sometimes I get him to go to the gym with me, though most of the time he declines. We also take walks sometimes, but he simply runs out of energy before I do, so when I want a serious workout I just go by myself. How was your husband able to overcome his lack of energy in the physical activities?

And the gaming has always been a huge part of my boyfriend's life, but it's actually a way we bond together rather than a harmful addiction, at least in my eyes. However, it's all the more worrying to me when he doesn't even have the energy to get up and play for a while...

His energy came back as he came out of the depression, before that, he had to force it, but he still got out and rode his bike several times a week. It's not easy because you can't do it for him, he has to follow through on his own.

wolfpack77

Depression and anxiety are usually the result of an underlying disorder. It rarely occurs on its own and is most likely co-morbid with other disorders.

I know this because I carry a diagnosis for more than one disorder that has resulted in chronic depression and anxiety.

They cannot be treated directly. The underlying problem must be addressed before the depression will subside. If his currently treatment strategy isn't helping him then perhaps its time to look at different forms of therapy or a second opinion on his diagnosis.

lcchrt

I agree. ^^^

I have hypo thyroid ism. When on my meds it fixes literally EVERYTHING. Depression, metabolism, constipation, fertility etc. if I miss for two days or more my entire body and mind gets completely out of wack. Something as simple as low thyroid can effect depression and I'm sure this is the case with most other disorders.

bearkisses

that is not 100% of the time. mental health takes a lot of exploration in the healing process. a lot of times it just takes a really good dose of therapy and restructuring cognitions through different modules of therapy...or therapeutic techniques.

mank32

i WAS your bf. i've been so depressed (in the past) that i slept as much as possible, and even when awake barely moved from the couch to get food. my ex was you. he did the best he could to be supportive but he also yelled at me when he lost his patience.

it really didn't make any difference to me either way. i was so wrapped up in my own head that nothing was getting through.

if i were to put myself in your bf's place (knowing what i know now, having been through that and come out the other side), i'd say:

- ALWAYS talk to me like you love and respect me--no matter what i do or don't do
- ALWAYS tell/show me you believe i can make better choices
- NEVER accept the unacceptable. regardless of how depressed i am, i HAVE to take care of biz. make sure i don't forget/ignore this
- NEVER take my responsibility away from me. *i* have to get better. *i* have to make the right choices.
- NEVER take my behavior/choices personally. it's not really about you
- take care of YOURSELF. don't let my poor choices eat away at your peace of mind. do what you need to do to stay healthy, even if that seems like it puts you at odds with me

...that's all you can really do, i think. the rest is up to me.

i've had to deal with the depression of my loved ones from time to time, and thankfully it's never been so bad that my life was greatly affected. i'll love the person and accept where they're at. if it's a just a bummer scene i'll deal. if it's an unhealthy scene, i'll split.

solidarity, chica from both ends :flowerforyou:

j75j75

I had severe depression for a few years. I ended up making some pretty bad decisions; leaving my gf, drinking a lot, etc. A few months after I left her I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, among other things it caused depression, mood swings, and it affected my decision making ability. I had surgery a month after I was diagnosed. Now 9 months later I feel better than I ever have. I had no idea a tumor was the cause...

M______

How much do you honestly expect him to change? Is he capable of completely turning his situation around? I can't help but get the sense from your original post that you might already be experiencing him at his best. One good day a fortnight, or month, or whatever it may be. The scary thought is that the rest of your 20's, maybe more, could be spent with nothing but this aggravation to look back on.

My honest advice would be to move out asap. Either him or you. Something has to give in your relationship. Life is too short and I don't know about you, but it sure seems like adult life flies by compared to childhood. Weeks disappear in to months, in to years. You have maybe a 5% shot at getting him in to some sort of regimen that will see him come out of his shell. I might be being generous with that. The change has to come from him, but there's a possibility you could help spark that change.

Regardless of that I would stop living together as soon as possible. Put yourself in to happier surroundings, you've been with him for months but you could potentially throw away years getting nothing back in the process. It sounds harsh and I apologize for that, but its my honest take.

Anna1551

As somebody who has suffered from severe depression since 13, it's definitely hard to change somebody who is feeling so down that all they want to do is sleep all the time. I find that planning things generally helps me on days that I just don't want to get out of bed. It helps me with study, social time, down time and chores. Do you think he would be willing to write up a roster for chores/plan date nights/days? Sure, it takes some spontaneity out of your relationship, but if that's what works for him, then so be it. If you don't mind me asking, what medication is he on for it? I've been on many antidepressants and some have made me so lethargic and out of it that there was no point in even being on them. Another thing you could do is talk to him about your concerns. "I'm really worried that you're sleeping so much and that we're not spending time together and I feel as though it's affecting our relationship etc" or something along those lines could help to make him realise that the way he's acting is negatively affecting you. Never blame when talking to him, provide support, and be open and honest about your feelings of being worried, and how it makes you feel when he doesn't spend time with you/doesn't do housework. Ask him what you can do as a couple to make him feel a bit better/make him partake in things a little bit more. What does he enjoy doing? If he likes sport, you could both join a casual fun sport team to get him out and about. Go for walks with him. Go rock climbing. Do ANYTHING that involves exercising, because endorphins are wonderful things. I hope this helped slightly

aditifoodie

Let me first say this, this is not painting your boyfriend in a bad light. My mother suffers from bi-polar depression and she has phases where she does not want to do anything except sleep all day. It gets frustrating when sometimes when she does not want even want to part of a family event or do any work. She does not work, she has given up on all the things that she likes, does not even want to socialize.
But at the end I feel that it is not something that is her choice.
Because of her bi-polar disorder she has phases where she does not want to sleep at all...even during the day so the medication given to her is stronger but then when she enters the second phase, the same medication makes her want to sleep all the time. So we always consult her doctor again who then changes her medication accordingly to make her more alert and there is a lot of difference in just 2 days.
I have grown up seeing depression first hand and there have been times where I have been angry, frustrated and very emotional as to why do I have to deal with this but then at the end she is my mother. I know my father goes through similar emotions as me at times.
To some extent it is also a person's personality which affects their behavior. My best friend's father also suffers from depression but he is still motivated to do things.
When I think about it personally, I am not sure that I would want to spend my life with a person affected by this, but yes if they develop it then I would not leave them.
I understand it is not easy dealing with this, sometimes I really fail to understand how my father handles it. So all I can say is whatever decision you take is ok, as you do have to think about yourself too. At the end we all deserve to be happy.

casy84

I was depressed for about 2 years because of some health issues(I thought I was going to die young). I behaved exactly like you described your boyfriend and crawled out of it without therapy(I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to die young and that I must enjoy my good days while they last).
My boyfriend was very helpfull and didn't demand many things from me. He did force me to get out of the house from time to time and I didn't get upset because I knew it was the right thing to do. He gave me the love and understanding I needed to get out of it and even though I kept him in the dark about my fears he was still there.
This takes time, unfortunately a lot of time, so just be there for him and be patient. He won't wake up one day and start being happy, it will happen gradually.

Now I am a different person. I smile a lot, I have goals, dreams and I love life. I am getting married this year and after all he's done for me I have no doubt I made the right choice.

lizzietecson

He's the only one who can help himself. Sooner or later, he'll realize that something is not right and that it's affecting your relationship (I hope it's sooner rather than later).

I'm suffering from a severe major depressive disorder. At first, I didn't know what's wrong with me. I became detached from my loved ones, especially my husband. I got reckless, aggressive and rather cruel. I burned bridges and quit my job. I was sleeping at least 12 hours a day and even locked myself up at home for several weeks because I couldn't stand people. I did nothing because I had no energy and motivation for anything at all. I would just lie down on the couch and stare at the ceiling the entire day.

I refused to entertain the thought that I was severely depressed because I believed I was pretty resilient. My marriage suffered tremendously. One day, I woke up feeling tired of the doom and gloom, the lack of empathy and motivation. I was also aware that my relationship with my family and my marriage were on the rocks but I simply could not get myself to care. Logic luckily won so I decided to get some tests. Results came back normal. To make the story short, I went to see a psychiatrist and found out that I am indeed suffering from clinical depression.

The diagnosis gave my husband more patience. We both knew it's going to be a challenge but we're doing well so far. I'm taking medications and CB therapy. I feel so much better. I'm starting to regain my old, peppy self.

I helped myself by seeking help. I hope your boyfriend does the same. If he's already on meds/therapy, I would advise you to be patient. I know it's easier said than done, but he needs you now more than ever.

triciab79

You are not doing him any favors by enabling him. He needs a job. He needs to do something to lessen some of the symptoms. Part of the battle can be fought with meds but the other part is just getting off your rear and doing something, anything to distract yourself from the black hole. You are allowing him to wallow in that black hole. You need to let him know if he is to stay with you he needs to find a job. Tell him you love him but you will not watch him waste away in your place all day. It really is for his own good. Some people find it easier to just take care of others, they get a little bump from the sainthood but in the end what you are doing is hurting him. You are killing him, just as surely as if you were putting poison in his food.

Carfoodel

My husband has had severe depression for a very long time and my 20 year old has depression, panic attacks & agoraphobia and has barely left the house in years.

My husband is in a pretty good place at the moment, but it takes a lot of reassurance but what I found is that I had to ultimately say is that I was going to go out and grab life and I would like him to share that with me, but if he didn't it wouldn't stop me realising my potential. I encourage (but not demand or force) him to come out walking with me, I have changed shifts at work so that we have time at the weekends and make a point of going out either to the cinema, meal, walk on the beach etc. Sometimes he is just not capable of it and retreats behind the "too tired" - but more and more he is managing to push past that. The bottom line is (for me) letting him know that I still love him even if he doesn't come out for a walk or we do a rain-check on a date night and I expect it to be followed up. I did have to tell him that I was very unhappy with our relationship and it needed changed or it was going to break and he agrees - so it is a work in progress.

For my lad, who doesn't work - that is a very slow process, but we can see glimmers of him feeling more able to cope with life outside his room. he has stopped taking the anti-depressants and we have had a few cinema trips (next one is star trek as soon as the crowds have died down a bit) I am very worried about him as he is smart, funny, intelligent and articulate and I see so much potential being wasted - but these things are irrelevant right now, I suppose. It is hard not to turn into a nag as I am so concerned. My husband had a talk with him last night and just kept his voice even, calm and matter of fact and stated we just want him to start leaving the house more, we have told him that at the moment we are not expecting him to go to college or get a job, we just want him to start working on leaving the house more - we just want something to build on to help him out of this dark spot - but I think ultimately it is about patience and support and keeping communication open. he helped me in the garden last week and he is hanging about the livingroom a lot more and chatting away so we are hoping that he is feeling better within himself - but it is baby steps.

mrdexter1

There is always a cause..

be it a break up, in grieving or lifestyle etc and the biggest joke of all is people going to a doctor and taking mind bending anti depressants that dont stand a cat in hells chance of changing the underlying usual causes above.

He needs to fit into society, get out of bed , get a job and get some self respect and if any of us were living as he does we would be suffering the same depression as what the hell is there to enjoy in his life of sloth, and you obviously arnt enough to stop him retiring to his pit or spark any interest.

Really naffs me off that people drift into relationships on a whim and get them selves stuck in a cycle of misery and then put up with it in a new relationship that should be fun and here you are unable to communicate your despair to him, but will publicly tell a forum what stupidity you re prepared to put up with in life.

You only get one life, is this how you really want to live it one year after meeting the man of your dreams, have some self respect or are you equally depressed and hence the attraction being like minded ..

FlippinNora

I have lost years of my life to other people's mental ill health and if there is one thing I've learned over all this time is that nothing you do will alter/change him. It HAS to come from him and him alone. You can be there, be supportive, be understanding but, until he decides to sort himself out and at least try to get on a positive curve, all that will happen is that you will lose chunks of yourself to him and his illness.

Due to the very nature of the beast those that suffer become very self-involved - my family member almost never considers the impact of their illness upon anybody but themselves. At times this can be so hurtful. I have given and given and given and to date I have not helped them change by one iota. I have given them what they want, I have given them what other people said they needed, I have given them myself and it's done nothing. In fact all I've probably done is enable them to stay that way.

I'm in the process of saving myself now and unfortunately that means removing myself from their life. Anyway, just so you know, I'm talking about my Mum.

scrapmonkey

This sounds like my husband several months after we started dating after he had moved in. And I had never dealt with someone with true depression before then. It was very frustrating for me too. I couldn't understand how someone could sleep so darn much. And I have to admit I did lose my cool a few times. We did go to counseling together. The major issue though was that he needed a medicine adjustment. Your boyfriend may not realize it, but his medication might not be at the right dosage or might not be the right one for him. Many depression patients go through changes in medication to find the right fit, especially if they have congenital depression as my husband does. And if they have other issues such as ADD and pain managment or, as is likely in your boyfriend's case (and was at the time for my husband then boyfriend) health care insurance isues, that only complicates the ability to find the correct care and mix. My husband is on a good one medication now, but I still remember his bad reaction to Wellbutrin nearly a year after this time where he slept all the time - he was so aggressive at one point in time we had to leave a restaurant because he felt like he wanted to hit people for no reason. Another adjustment was needed. Being with a depressive person is an act of patience, but it is worth it if you truly love that person (as I obviously do, since I have been with my husband for 1 1/2 years before marriage plus nearly 12 years of marriage). If you do not, then you are only hurting both of you. If you love him, please see if the issue is his medication mix. The other suggestion is seeing if he has interests or hobbies that make him happy or if he can do some volunteer work while he is out of work, something that will help him give a sense of value while he is going through this tough time of unemployment. Again, we have been through this too, as my husband has been out of work for 4 out of the last 5 years. He is now going to grad school to see if we can re-start his career, but that is a decision we can afford with me working full-time and covering him on insurance. Of course, I do have to agree with others - he has to be willing to do these things for himself, too. If he is not, then there is nothing you can do to change the situation and you need to make the choice for yourself to soldier on with him or move on without him.