I want to hear from loved ones of depressed people.

M______

How much do you honestly expect him to change? Is he capable of completely turning his situation around? I can't help but get the sense from your original post that you might already be experiencing him at his best. One good day a fortnight, or month, or whatever it may be. The scary thought is that the rest of your 20's, maybe more, could be spent with nothing but this aggravation to look back on.

My honest advice would be to move out asap. Either him or you. Something has to give in your relationship. Life is too short and I don't know about you, but it sure seems like adult life flies by compared to childhood. Weeks disappear in to months, in to years. You have maybe a 5% shot at getting him in to some sort of regimen that will see him come out of his shell. I might be being generous with that. The change has to come from him, but there's a possibility you could help spark that change.

Regardless of that I would stop living together as soon as possible. Put yourself in to happier surroundings, you've been with him for months but you could potentially throw away years getting nothing back in the process. It sounds harsh and I apologize for that, but its my honest take.

Anna1551

As somebody who has suffered from severe depression since 13, it's definitely hard to change somebody who is feeling so down that all they want to do is sleep all the time. I find that planning things generally helps me on days that I just don't want to get out of bed. It helps me with study, social time, down time and chores. Do you think he would be willing to write up a roster for chores/plan date nights/days? Sure, it takes some spontaneity out of your relationship, but if that's what works for him, then so be it. If you don't mind me asking, what medication is he on for it? I've been on many antidepressants and some have made me so lethargic and out of it that there was no point in even being on them. Another thing you could do is talk to him about your concerns. "I'm really worried that you're sleeping so much and that we're not spending time together and I feel as though it's affecting our relationship etc" or something along those lines could help to make him realise that the way he's acting is negatively affecting you. Never blame when talking to him, provide support, and be open and honest about your feelings of being worried, and how it makes you feel when he doesn't spend time with you/doesn't do housework. Ask him what you can do as a couple to make him feel a bit better/make him partake in things a little bit more. What does he enjoy doing? If he likes sport, you could both join a casual fun sport team to get him out and about. Go for walks with him. Go rock climbing. Do ANYTHING that involves exercising, because endorphins are wonderful things. I hope this helped slightly

aditifoodie

Let me first say this, this is not painting your boyfriend in a bad light. My mother suffers from bi-polar depression and she has phases where she does not want to do anything except sleep all day. It gets frustrating when sometimes when she does not want even want to part of a family event or do any work. She does not work, she has given up on all the things that she likes, does not even want to socialize.
But at the end I feel that it is not something that is her choice.
Because of her bi-polar disorder she has phases where she does not want to sleep at all...even during the day so the medication given to her is stronger but then when she enters the second phase, the same medication makes her want to sleep all the time. So we always consult her doctor again who then changes her medication accordingly to make her more alert and there is a lot of difference in just 2 days.
I have grown up seeing depression first hand and there have been times where I have been angry, frustrated and very emotional as to why do I have to deal with this but then at the end she is my mother. I know my father goes through similar emotions as me at times.
To some extent it is also a person's personality which affects their behavior. My best friend's father also suffers from depression but he is still motivated to do things.
When I think about it personally, I am not sure that I would want to spend my life with a person affected by this, but yes if they develop it then I would not leave them.
I understand it is not easy dealing with this, sometimes I really fail to understand how my father handles it. So all I can say is whatever decision you take is ok, as you do have to think about yourself too. At the end we all deserve to be happy.

casy84

I was depressed for about 2 years because of some health issues(I thought I was going to die young). I behaved exactly like you described your boyfriend and crawled out of it without therapy(I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to die young and that I must enjoy my good days while they last).
My boyfriend was very helpfull and didn't demand many things from me. He did force me to get out of the house from time to time and I didn't get upset because I knew it was the right thing to do. He gave me the love and understanding I needed to get out of it and even though I kept him in the dark about my fears he was still there.
This takes time, unfortunately a lot of time, so just be there for him and be patient. He won't wake up one day and start being happy, it will happen gradually.

Now I am a different person. I smile a lot, I have goals, dreams and I love life. I am getting married this year and after all he's done for me I have no doubt I made the right choice.

lizzietecson

He's the only one who can help himself. Sooner or later, he'll realize that something is not right and that it's affecting your relationship (I hope it's sooner rather than later).

I'm suffering from a severe major depressive disorder. At first, I didn't know what's wrong with me. I became detached from my loved ones, especially my husband. I got reckless, aggressive and rather cruel. I burned bridges and quit my job. I was sleeping at least 12 hours a day and even locked myself up at home for several weeks because I couldn't stand people. I did nothing because I had no energy and motivation for anything at all. I would just lie down on the couch and stare at the ceiling the entire day.

I refused to entertain the thought that I was severely depressed because I believed I was pretty resilient. My marriage suffered tremendously. One day, I woke up feeling tired of the doom and gloom, the lack of empathy and motivation. I was also aware that my relationship with my family and my marriage were on the rocks but I simply could not get myself to care. Logic luckily won so I decided to get some tests. Results came back normal. To make the story short, I went to see a psychiatrist and found out that I am indeed suffering from clinical depression.

The diagnosis gave my husband more patience. We both knew it's going to be a challenge but we're doing well so far. I'm taking medications and CB therapy. I feel so much better. I'm starting to regain my old, peppy self.

I helped myself by seeking help. I hope your boyfriend does the same. If he's already on meds/therapy, I would advise you to be patient. I know it's easier said than done, but he needs you now more than ever.

triciab79

You are not doing him any favors by enabling him. He needs a job. He needs to do something to lessen some of the symptoms. Part of the battle can be fought with meds but the other part is just getting off your rear and doing something, anything to distract yourself from the black hole. You are allowing him to wallow in that black hole. You need to let him know if he is to stay with you he needs to find a job. Tell him you love him but you will not watch him waste away in your place all day. It really is for his own good. Some people find it easier to just take care of others, they get a little bump from the sainthood but in the end what you are doing is hurting him. You are killing him, just as surely as if you were putting poison in his food.

Carfoodel

My husband has had severe depression for a very long time and my 20 year old has depression, panic attacks & agoraphobia and has barely left the house in years.

My husband is in a pretty good place at the moment, but it takes a lot of reassurance but what I found is that I had to ultimately say is that I was going to go out and grab life and I would like him to share that with me, but if he didn't it wouldn't stop me realising my potential. I encourage (but not demand or force) him to come out walking with me, I have changed shifts at work so that we have time at the weekends and make a point of going out either to the cinema, meal, walk on the beach etc. Sometimes he is just not capable of it and retreats behind the "too tired" - but more and more he is managing to push past that. The bottom line is (for me) letting him know that I still love him even if he doesn't come out for a walk or we do a rain-check on a date night and I expect it to be followed up. I did have to tell him that I was very unhappy with our relationship and it needed changed or it was going to break and he agrees - so it is a work in progress.

For my lad, who doesn't work - that is a very slow process, but we can see glimmers of him feeling more able to cope with life outside his room. he has stopped taking the anti-depressants and we have had a few cinema trips (next one is star trek as soon as the crowds have died down a bit) I am very worried about him as he is smart, funny, intelligent and articulate and I see so much potential being wasted - but these things are irrelevant right now, I suppose. It is hard not to turn into a nag as I am so concerned. My husband had a talk with him last night and just kept his voice even, calm and matter of fact and stated we just want him to start leaving the house more, we have told him that at the moment we are not expecting him to go to college or get a job, we just want him to start working on leaving the house more - we just want something to build on to help him out of this dark spot - but I think ultimately it is about patience and support and keeping communication open. he helped me in the garden last week and he is hanging about the livingroom a lot more and chatting away so we are hoping that he is feeling better within himself - but it is baby steps.

mrdexter1

There is always a cause..

be it a break up, in grieving or lifestyle etc and the biggest joke of all is people going to a doctor and taking mind bending anti depressants that dont stand a cat in hells chance of changing the underlying usual causes above.

He needs to fit into society, get out of bed , get a job and get some self respect and if any of us were living as he does we would be suffering the same depression as what the hell is there to enjoy in his life of sloth, and you obviously arnt enough to stop him retiring to his pit or spark any interest.

Really naffs me off that people drift into relationships on a whim and get them selves stuck in a cycle of misery and then put up with it in a new relationship that should be fun and here you are unable to communicate your despair to him, but will publicly tell a forum what stupidity you re prepared to put up with in life.

You only get one life, is this how you really want to live it one year after meeting the man of your dreams, have some self respect or are you equally depressed and hence the attraction being like minded ..

FlippinNora

I have lost years of my life to other people's mental ill health and if there is one thing I've learned over all this time is that nothing you do will alter/change him. It HAS to come from him and him alone. You can be there, be supportive, be understanding but, until he decides to sort himself out and at least try to get on a positive curve, all that will happen is that you will lose chunks of yourself to him and his illness.

Due to the very nature of the beast those that suffer become very self-involved - my family member almost never considers the impact of their illness upon anybody but themselves. At times this can be so hurtful. I have given and given and given and to date I have not helped them change by one iota. I have given them what they want, I have given them what other people said they needed, I have given them myself and it's done nothing. In fact all I've probably done is enable them to stay that way.

I'm in the process of saving myself now and unfortunately that means removing myself from their life. Anyway, just so you know, I'm talking about my Mum.

scrapmonkey

This sounds like my husband several months after we started dating after he had moved in. And I had never dealt with someone with true depression before then. It was very frustrating for me too. I couldn't understand how someone could sleep so darn much. And I have to admit I did lose my cool a few times. We did go to counseling together. The major issue though was that he needed a medicine adjustment. Your boyfriend may not realize it, but his medication might not be at the right dosage or might not be the right one for him. Many depression patients go through changes in medication to find the right fit, especially if they have congenital depression as my husband does. And if they have other issues such as ADD and pain managment or, as is likely in your boyfriend's case (and was at the time for my husband then boyfriend) health care insurance isues, that only complicates the ability to find the correct care and mix. My husband is on a good one medication now, but I still remember his bad reaction to Wellbutrin nearly a year after this time where he slept all the time - he was so aggressive at one point in time we had to leave a restaurant because he felt like he wanted to hit people for no reason. Another adjustment was needed. Being with a depressive person is an act of patience, but it is worth it if you truly love that person (as I obviously do, since I have been with my husband for 1 1/2 years before marriage plus nearly 12 years of marriage). If you do not, then you are only hurting both of you. If you love him, please see if the issue is his medication mix. The other suggestion is seeing if he has interests or hobbies that make him happy or if he can do some volunteer work while he is out of work, something that will help him give a sense of value while he is going through this tough time of unemployment. Again, we have been through this too, as my husband has been out of work for 4 out of the last 5 years. He is now going to grad school to see if we can re-start his career, but that is a decision we can afford with me working full-time and covering him on insurance. Of course, I do have to agree with others - he has to be willing to do these things for himself, too. If he is not, then there is nothing you can do to change the situation and you need to make the choice for yourself to soldier on with him or move on without him.

Showmm

My best friend suffers with depression. You can't get someone to change if they don't want to, that's advice that goes for non-depressed people too. But you can try to help them if they want to help themselves.

I would sit down with him when he's feeling ok and not tired and talk to him honestly about it. Tell him you love it when he's up and about and how happy it makes you to see him like that. Ask him if he likes it too. Ask him if he would like to feel like that more if possible. Then do some brainstorming with him as what you can do together (but mainly him) to help feel better. Here's a crib sheet of some ideas.

Make a schedule of things he HAS to do every day. Doesn't have to be a lot, it could be as simple as make the bed every day. Go out for a walk around the block. Put on fresh clothes. Whatever he feels he can handle, but that might be a bit more than he wants to do on bad days. Build it up as he builds up.
Get his meds checked. As others said, his medication might be part of the problem along with the solution.
Get him to a therapist on a regular basis. This should be non-negotiable. Maybe between his mom and yourself you can set up the appointments to take him there.

Be encouraging. Try not to let too much of your frustration out on him. Make sure you look after yourself and remember at the end of the day, it's his battle to fight, not yours.

MrsSausage58

The bottom line is that you can't motivate him if he's got depression - only he can find a way out of that with the help of medication and/or counselling.

This may not help but I will give you one piece of advice and that is to never sacrifice yourself upon the bonfire of someone else's woes. You can be supportive, you can encourage them to seek help but if it looks like their depression is going to drag you under with them, you have to let your survival instinct kick in.

So support him, but for god's sake take care of yourself because let me tell you, living with a seriously depressed person is like a death from a thousand cuts....you take on more and more, forgive more and more, accept less and less, get lower and lower and ultimately something gives.

The very best of luck to you.

This. I've been in a similar situation but things are on the up now (following lots of arguments and fighting, and my boyfriend finally admitting that he had a problem) but in the end I had to say to him "I'm here to support you as much as I can but if you don't put in the effort to then I'm not willing to do it anymore". I would have left (with a heavy heart) but it gave him the kick he needed.

I realise it may not be that easy for you - just passing on my own experiences. Also, don't think I'm saying "just break up with him" because I'm definitely not.

Good luck.

kuntry_navy

I personally go the tough-love route. If someone is always bummed out, chances are it's going to rub off onto you. Tell him to quit being lazy. There are men and women missing limbs, who are blind, etc., etc. that live life to the fullest. You've probably quit reading this by now. But, like someone said before, all you're doing is enabling him. Give him a shove in the right direction. It may or may not work. But, if he rubs off on you, you deserve it.

yksdoris

It sounds like you're taking the right steps already - both you theOP as well as you, the OP and BF as couple. The thing is though, to paraphrase Tolstoy "all happy people are the same, every unhappy person is unhappy in their own way"

Back when I was at my lowest point; I could logically understand that what was going on was not good, but somehow I then just as logically managed to think that the way to make things better would be to punish myself - with EATING that extra bag of chips even though I din't really want it, with BUYING that much too expensive skirt even though I didn't really like it that much, with NOT CALLING my mother even though I missed her really badly... What really snapped me to attention and seek real help was when I discovered myself seriously considering jumping off the balcony because the sun was shining and it was all pretty outside but it made me depressed when it should have made me happy, and obvs the corrective action would be to punish myself so I'd think differently. And then, once I did realize it and sought professional help, I didn't tell anyone other than my bf. Well, I had to tell at work because I couldn't function any more, so I had to have some medical leave. I only started telling people when I was feeling better. I didn't want people up in my business, I didn't feel at all comfortable with new experiences, such as picking up a new hobby (with - the horror - new people). Even with the therapy, for several months, I knew exactly what the answers were supposed to be to the excercises we were doing; except nothing triggered an emotional response. I mean, I had low self esteem. I didn't really understand why that was *wrong* per se; it was something I'd learned to work around and i'd accepted it as a part of myself - why would I need to destroy a part of myself? Obvs because I'm not good enough. and so it went in a vicious circle.

But as I began this post: each person is unhappy in their own individual way. The underlying issues and mechanisms are always individual and therefore the solution is also always different.

So, ironically, in the session that the psychologist prefaced with "you know, I'm running out of options. If we don't have a break-through in the next three sessions I'm afraid I have to refer you to the instance that takes care of the more serious cases" what finally broke through to me was the following: I was to role-play, pick a person that I knew loved me and ask myself: would that person love me any less if I made a mistake at work? Would that person love me any less if I cried for the whole afternoon? Would that person love me any less if I didn't have energy to go to a party? How about another person from my life, would they see me as less worthy for any of those things...

For some people, the way they think other people see them is a constant obsession and *causes* depression, but for me, it was what finally set me free from my own mental chains. And my bf (now fiancé) was always there for me, gently supporting me, telling me he loved me, encouraging me to just make it through the rough day - it's ok to relax at home in just a few more hours!

My point being: while depression is a battle everyone ultimately has to face on their own, the support of a loved one can be SO important! You sound like you really try to be a support, like he's aware that there's a problem and he's taking some steps to get things better. it's a tricky balance: try to be positive and suggest things that you could do together; but don't push if you notice he's getting more depressed from thinking about the possibility. Tell him you love him and support him but don't baby him; he needs to be his own person. Tell him you'd like to do something fun (like go to the movies?) and it would be awesome if he wanted to come with, but if he didn't feel like it, don't feel bad about calling a (girl)friend of yours instead and go out anyways - though gently let him know that he would have been your first choice. Ask a friend or two of yours (just not a big group where he migth feel like he's the odd one out) that you know he likes to come over for dinner: even though a lot of the time he'll just pretend to be happy, it WILL break some of the pattern; at least for that week; and it WILL leave a positive memory.

RVfrog

my first reaction is his medicine. I'd go to the dr. tell them what is going on. I think whatever he is taking is too much if he sleeps and is tired that much. But he is the one who has to have enough ump to pick himself up dust himself off and say I'm going to get out of this funk....sorry but I've been there and the only thing that works is just that. You have to get tired enough of it and decide to change with meds or not.

But honestly get his meds check that sounds like the problem and get some blood work done. See if anything else is going on. Good luck

vjrose

Wow, this is one tough question and one I deal with every day. My son sounds a lot like your boyfriend but his goes a bit deeper than just depression. He is bipolar/borderline schizophrenic, with a lot of the symptoms of manic depressive. Oh boy, what fun. However, similar issues, sleeps a lot, no motivation, and has his own agenda. We do have rules and you may need to contemplate that. I try to motivate him but I also have given up getting frustrated about it. Have you had a long talk with his mom about how it was when he lived at home? If she didn't require any basic rules be followed (and trust me that is work) then that makes it tougher for you. For instance, I do require he does his own laundry, doesn't leave crap all over the kitchen, does his own pans, and a few others. He fortunately lives on another floor so he has some space he calls his own and I don't try to control that at all. I do tease a bit of I go to talk to him and it's a total disaster which usually sets off a whirlwind of cleaning and a grouchy guy for a couple of days. But at least it gets cleaned up.

Now, here's my suggestion, one: a long talk about how he could meet you halfway, part of it could be that he shift his upside down state a bit, I have to do this now and then since i require that he be awake to share dinnertime with everyone, if he has trouble remembering to do stuff then see if he will agree you can request his assistance at specific hours to do stuff like take out trash or do his laundry, whatever works to get him in very incremental ways to contribute to the household. Does he need a note or a sign (that's how we do it, his memory is shot from the meds so if I really need him to do something I leave a sign). Anyway, explore one small change at a time, and work toward whatever compromise you would like to see. Each change needs to become a habit before you add another. Slow wins the race.

Boogage

If he's not working and can't manage college, could you find him a hobby. I struggled though college and uni doing art and photography courses (my partner was my carer and he got me up, took me to and from my course, visited me at lunchtime to keep me sane and helped me with the ideas side of things-I was very luck he found the time I know). Some days having that hobby and hoping it will turn into something more serious is the only thing that motivates me to get out the front door.

As for housework, I find it easier if we do it together on my bad days and man do we have a lot of housework with 5 under 10's at home lol

My partner makes a real effort to get me out of the house at least once a week and unfortunately for him that often means running me a bath, finding me clothes to wear and pretty much holding my hand every step of the way. I know how tough it can be living with someone with depression but the help he gives really helps the both of us.

Luckily since I decided to lose weight my depression has been better as exercise releases all those feel good hormones and I hope I won't fall into a deep depression again. Its comforting to know someone is there to support me if I do though.

I don't know if any of this will help you but I hope you both find a way through this x

neandermagnon

Depression and anxiety are usually the result of an underlying disorder. It rarely occurs on its own and is most likely co-morbid with other disorders.

I know this because I carry a diagnosis for more than one disorder that has resulted in chronic depression and anxiety.

They cannot be treated directly. The underlying problem must be addressed before the depression will subside. If his currently treatment strategy isn't helping him then perhaps its time to look at different forms of therapy or a second opinion on his diagnosis.

^^^ this, and then a therapist who specialises in treating what the actual underlying problem is.

I was diagnosed with "depression and low self esteem" a few years back, put on antidepressants and given 7 sessions of counselling (NHS standard for the diagnosis I was given), thought I was better because I no longer felt suicidal.......... several years later was rediagnosed with something else which caused the depression, and I don't want to go into details on a public forum, but the misdiagnosis resulting in not only me not getting appropriate treatment at the time but in my mental health getting a lot worse due to choices I made since then that I would not have made if I'd known what the underlying cause of "depression and low self esteem" really was. The counsellor I saw several years later considered 7 sessions of counselling to be a joke based on what treatment I actually needed.

Sorry for being vague, but a lot of people are not well diagnosed, or misdiagnosed, then the treatment is unsuccessful, the person may get better then relapse, or they may make no progress with the treatment at all, then there's a risk that they get labelled as someone who isn't co-operating with treatment. If your partner is not making any progress with current treatment, then a 2nd opinion should be sought. Additionally, it's important that someone feels totally comfortable with their counsellor/therapist, so consider him seeing a different one if he doesn't feel that way. There is no way counselling/therapy can be beneficial if you can't be open and feel safe with the counsellor/therapist.

FlaxMilk

I noticed you said his mother wants to drive him to appointments because of fears that he will steal again. He doesn't have to get better if those around him will take responsibility for him. If that responsibility is going to include him not going out by himself, then he is going to depress himself into oblivious in his "cave." I don't know your whole situation, maybe that's the best decision for his mother to make. What does the therapist say about that?

Ramberta

Thank you for all the advice, everyone, I am going to try and get him to make himself an appointment with his family doctor for a physical, and we'll go from there.