Divorce

Capt_Inzane

Not really sure how to say/ask this so basically just gonna lay it out there.

When I was younger I didn't date much and on my 4 or 5th girlfriend depending on how you count them I met my wife. We were together for 8 years so 20-28 and then we got divorced.

Took me awhile to get over it and now I'm done but I feel like my life is still controlled by the divorce (not her just the fact I am). I feel like I have to explain to everyone I'm divorced and have a son (who kicks *kitten*) but I hate this compulsion to go into it.

I realize that when meeting new people it shouldn't be this defining thing about me but I don't know how else to explain myself or my life without bringing it up.

Also just curious would you ever date someone that was divorced? In a society where it seems to becoming the norm I'm curious. My ex-wife was married before we got together and it took me 6 years to propose to her. I felt like we were too young and all that stuff. Now I realize I was hesitant for other reasons but that's for another thread.

Timshel_

Took me awhile to get over it and now I'm done but I feel like my life is still controlled by the divorce (not her just the fact I am). I feel like I have to explain to everyone I'm divorced and have a son (who kicks *kitten*) but I hate this compulsion to go into it.

I've had this talk with many of my friends. I often remind them that a divorce DOES NOT define them in any way. I catch them writing on their Faccebook profiles or other online status they are divorced. I tell them, you are actually single! If they mention they are divorced in some kind of negative way I remind them they are divorced for a reason, good or bad, and that is the past.

In talking with others, you can always say I was married before and things didn't work out for XXX reasson. But that is your choice.

Unknown

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richardheath

I'm divorced. I say so. I have an ex wife I have to deal with almost daily due to having 3 kids with her. But I only really bring it up if it's relevant. It's not a definition, it's simply a fact.

And yes I would date a divorced person. My gf is divorced. Most of the women my age who are dating are divorced!

mank32

isn't everyone divorced these days? i don't even bat an eyelash.

JenAndSome

It sounds like you are still having a hard time with the fact that the divorce happened. It is a very hard thing to get through to know that the life you planned and hoped for just didn't work out. I think the statistics say now that over half of marriages will end in divorce, so, though it's not really comforting, you are in the majority. You don't have to go into great detail when you meet someone and really it's up to you if you want to say you are divorced, which is true, or if you want to say you are single, which is also true. There are tons of women out there who would date a divorced man. There are tons of women who can accept the fact that you had a life prior to meeting them, that you have a son, and that is all part of your story. Hopefully you will be able to come to better terms with the circumstances and you will start enjoying your new life and really living it.

Sactown900

There is ALWAYS baggage, but that can be overlooked if both parties want it to work. After 35 years together (my 2nd marriage -her first) it is a constant effort to put each other's needs above our own.

Now on our 32nd year of marriage, two great (grown & out) kids and a 17 month old granddaughter, we are having more fun than ever (volunteering, travel, gym, charity 5K jogs, cycling, etc).

I wish also she grew up riding horses, but at least I got to buy a motorcycle. ;-p

pobalita

I have dated both divorced guys and guys who have never been married. I prefer to date divorced guys as I am divorced with kids myself.

Whatever the label, divorced or single, the more important issue is that you have a son and you should never feel bad about having to explain that. There are many women out there who will think that's a great thing. If they don't, then the relationship can never work and you shouldn't waste your time on it anyway. I don't mean that to bash anyone - if someone isn't into kids, there's just no possible way things can work; it's just a fact.

Ladyinwaiting4

I am also divorced since 2003. I have the same problem you do as well. I totally relate to you.

TS65

If you had told me I would have married a man who had been divorced twice, I would have laughed. But, what I realize now is the relationships/experiences he's had have made him who is today. Everyone has baggage. It's how you carry that baggage that defines who you are.

MightyDomo

My divorce did not redefine who I was and who I have become, it's a chapter of my personal story that as much as I personally feel sad that I had to go though it, I am a more wise person about marriage for it. I know better how not to rush into it and what it really means to be married to try and make it work.

This is something you should think about, it's not defining you, it was a learning experience so you can be more successful in each long term commital relationship or in any future marriage. So never feel bad, ashamed and never feel like it's something that defines you.

bearkisses

i have a feeling this might be a bigger thing for you because you are so young. focus on the reasons why the divorce was for the best and hopefully you work through who you are now, where you are now, and all that jazz.

EatClean_WashUrNuts

Get over it....seriously.

I am divorced my 1st wife, lost my last bride, and am engaged to a wonderful woman. Together we will have 4 kids...My late bride's daughter (whom I adopted before her mother past), my son (who is 10 years my daughter's junior), and my bride-to-be's kids that have different fathers.

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you can't date or be happy in life. Your son doesnt define you, he enhances you.

wareagle8706

How young was your wife when she got married if she was married before y'all got together and y'all were together from 20 years old onward?

Also, I'm dating a guy who has been divorced.... TWICE. So I have no room to talk about that type of thing. I don't think you should judge someone based on divorce. I know people automatically want to ask, "oh you've been divorced? so what's wrong with you?" But could it just be that you and that person weren't compatible? Not that one of you is a terrible person? That's my opinion even if it is a bit wordy...

ldrosophila

I think as long as you are open to a new relationship, and ready to move forward that you dont have much to worry about. That next woman in your life is going to want to know that she's special to you.

thisdarkpassenger

Being divorced is better than being married, IMO.

conniemaxwell5

What you've done does not define you. Introduce yourself by your name and nothing else. "Hi, my name is ________," I'm very pleased to meet you." It requires no history, no baggage, no definition of who you are. If the converstaion continues, the question may come up by by that time at least the other person knows a little of who you really are and "divorced" won't be the first thing you're labeled with. You wouldn't introduce yourself by telling someone you're constipated, right? Same thing - it's none of their business unless the conversation develops into a more personal one.

usmcmp

I always feel the need to explain that I am a single mom because I am divorced and don't live near their dad. I haven't dated much, but the few who had a problem with my divorce aren't the one for me. I learned a lot through being married and I look for guys who have been married before.

Calliope610

After getting divorced myself, I met and dated a man twice divorced. We celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary yesterday.

The neat thing about divorce is that you get to learn what you can and can't accept in a relationship/marriage. Take that knowledge and run with it!

gogojodee

First, I just say I'm single, and I end the conversation. I'm not very open usually, so it's easy for me to just not say things.

I"M NOT DIVORECED. I'M SINGLE. It's lame to walk around with a label on you like that.

The social stigma you attach to divorce is only yours. Hardly anyone I know thinks twice about it. I know people that are divorced, and other saying, "Oh, that's too bad, I'm sorry". that's about all I think of it.

That's how I see it as well. My last/current partner is divorced and I don't have a problem with it. He only mentioned the divorced part after we saw each other for a month and even then he explained why. And I still love him!

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KAYRRIE

It doesn't define you so you should never have to lead with that foot when you meet people. It should be, "Hi, my name is ________". Not "Hi, my name is ________, I'm divorced". (I'm sure you don't do that, or do you? You just have to realize that you're more than just one word. People make mistakes but it's up to us to move past it and move on. If you don't define yourself by that word, then no one else will have the power to either.

odusgolp

Perhaps you're viewing your divorce as a failure? And projecting those feelings onto others? If I were to guess you have some sort of unresolved feelings about your ex or the divorce itself.

But, imo based on the limited info at hand, this is probably all about you and in your own insecurities. I highly doubt most other people that you meet give it two thoughts. Wanting to know if someone is married, single, in a relationship, etc. is simply curiosity so yes, it will come up. But it doesn't mean you're being judged simply b/c your marriage didn't work.

I think we can both agree that you need to view this as a well thought out decision in everyone's best interest... not a failure. It shows strength that you're able to press on and did what was presumably correct for you, your partner, and your child given the situation. And now you can focus on being an awesome dad, and a healthy single person.

I'm sure there will be some people that judge you... "Divorce is immoral" or whatever... I get that from a couple people I just smile and wave! My life is none of their concern.

You will find a way to move on. Chin up

Contrarian

Saying "I'm divorced" makes me feel all grown up. It's fun.

odusgolp

Saying "I'm divorced" makes me feel all grown up. It's fun.

^QFT

PikaKnight

Being divorced is better than being married, IMO.

Ha, Ha. I gotta agree.

Hi5! So agreed! Things I won't ever be doing again lol. Just glad I never had kids!

highervibes

I wouldn't worry. It wouldn't phase me if someone was divorced with a kid or two but I'm a female. From my experience it's way easier for a dude with a kid vs. "the mom". I know that's not ALWAYS the case of course, just it seems that way in my circle of friends anyway.

MereExtraordinaire

Also just curious would you ever date someone that was divorced? In a society where it seems to becoming the norm I'm curious. My ex-wife was married before we got together and it took me 6 years to propose to her. I felt like we were too young and all that stuff. Now I realize I was hesitant for other reasons but that's for another thread.

My boyfriend and best friend is previously married AND has two young kids. It's hard sometimes to deal with that knowledge, and I have my days where I ask myself what the heck I'm doing. I'm super young (23!), I don't have kids, I've never been married ... Everybody, specifically my parents, think I'm completely insane. But I'll tell you the same thing I tell everybody else: he is worth it, and our love is worth it. Not to mention, I think it makes him a better partner. He learned a lot from his previous relationship, so I have a better version of him than his wife ever did! The relationship we share is so spectacular and unique, I don't mind the idea that he has kids and that I have to deal with the ex-wife. As scary as that stuff is, it's not so scary that I want to run away. We have been together for a year next month, and it absolutely has not been easy. We have broke up and made up more times than I care to admit. But we pushed through all the bull**** and I think we have finally found our groove. I see the kids as my own most of the time, and the ex-wife and I keep a cool distance. It's all worked out.

Tl;dr dating somebody previously divorced, especially with kids, is HARD. But with the right person (and the right kids) it is completely doable, and worth it.

BeachIron

<< Married and feeling left out of the cool kids circle.

Seriously though, don't worry about it. I think we've moved well past the 1950s.

Capt_Inzane

Ok, thanks everyone.

She got married at 18 when she got pregnant with someone else. There is a 11 year old daughter in the mix but that's a story for another day.

I was talking to a coworker about this as well. I don't run around saying I'm divorced that'd be creepy and I never did think I would be one (I do look at it as a failure or at least I did not so much now). I'm a MUCH MUCH better person now and completely understand things differently.

You're right I know what I want/look for and just am a better person. I'm not sure what to account that for either the marriage or the divorce or just life and growing older.

Thanks! OH and just to solve up some stuff, for a long time I had unresolved feelings about the divorce and debated on trying to get back together and fix the issues but in the end ...... it wasn't in my best interest so I wish her the best when I pick up my son and figure I'll have to deal with her for the rest of my life might as well be cool about it.

audigal2008

Bumping to read later