im at the end of my rope!!

luly727

Hi i was on here 1 1/2 yrs ago, got really into the "healthy lifestyle" did pretty good. Lost 55lbs I was thrilled, in a size 8/10 jeans..then stress, problems with sons, distant /uncaring husband and several trips down south to visit family and here I am ..i have gained back 30 lbs. I promised myself I would get back on track, i started coming here again and keeping track of my food intake, staying at 1200 cals. Right now I do housework, some yard work and thats about all for exercise.
None of my "thin" clothes fit me now I feel like a loser I have had to go buy clothes @ goodwill that are XL due to starting a new job soon.
Why do I keep screwing myself up??? I swore I would not gain the weight back. I get stressed, I get used by people , I end up helping everyone out of all their freakin problems and then I eat, and eat and eat, even when I really am not hungry. I have no control, then I regret it.
I know I can not blame my circumstances and crappy home life on it all, I have to be accountable to me. BUT how do you keep going when there are days you just want to scream to be left alone?? Scream for kids that are grown stop calling you with all their freakin problems? How do you ask/beg/plead with an uncaring and not very nuturing husband that you need support, you need to feel loved and wanted and you would like his help????

Ill say it, I HATE BEING FAT!!!! I hate squeezing into clothes and have fat plopping out all over I HATE IT!!! When I lost the 55lbs I was so gung-ho. Had a bunch of recipes , hubby would whine and complain, but I cooked them anyways. Now he is worse. has to have potatoes at every meal WITH gravy! he wont eat brown rice, he wont eat alot of veggies, he wont eat ground turkey!! the list goes on and on..I can not afford to make him a meal and then something else for me. As it is now, i spend 300-400 a month on groceries and I have to gethim his munchies..

PLEASE I need some real support, some advise, anything. I need someone that is not going to sugar coat it, but that can maybe understand what I am going through
Being off here for months I have lost connections with MFP friends and now I found my posts and stuff go unanswered...Ughhh Ok enough of my rants/vent.

chatogal

sent you a friend request....have to admit, I am sorely tempted to tell you to dump the hubby, but realise this is rather facetious advice and MUCH easier said than done. Otherwise, if you are doing the cooking then you should have the control with maybe the odd treat meal for him to keep him buttered up, so to speak. What does he do if you cook healthy meals. Does he throw it back at you, stamp his foot and refuse to eat, grumble but otherwise eat it? I had a hubby like that once, thank god my new(ish) hubby is much more appreciative of what I cook for him whilst my ex knashes his teeth in chagrin that he ever bloody complained in the first place!!

EricMurano

Hey most of us have issues with gaining back weight. Don't be so hard on yourself.

As you said, there are plenty of walls in your way here. It's not your fault.

Having said that, there is bound to be a way that you make this work. Don't give up because there's hurdles.

Think about everyone in the world that are in your situation. There has to be at least one person that has managed to lose weight, no?

Some concrete advice. My advice is based on my idea that I really control the calories all day up until dinner. At dinner I'll still weigh everything on my plate but I won't panic if we're having 'heavy' foods. I just weight them and only serve myself an amount that fits in my calorie goal.

I 'save up' my calories during the day because I know dinner is almost always calorie heavy.

1. I bet you only eat dinner with your husband. Breakfast, even if you do have that with your husband, is easy to have different meals. My wife has cereal and I make myself eggs, baked beans and toast. No big deal.

2. Lunch - Again, no big deal if your husband buys his lunch and you make yourself salad or lean chicken breast etc.

3. Dinner - Ok so you can't make two dinners. Well at this point you should have save up enough calories to have what he's having, but not so much of it. If it's so calorie dense that you don't get nearly enough food to satiate you then you HAVE TO make yourself something else.

Seriously, a lettuce, tomato, mushroom and avocado salad is easy to throw together. Make a huge one to last two days so you don't have to make one every night. Those vegetables are cheap as hell.

Or steamed zucchini, carrot and broccoli. Cut them up and put them in zip lock backs and chuck them in the microwave for 2 minutes. Easy.

Pre cook chicken breast and freeze it. have 100g of cooked chicken breast with steam vegies and you're set.

Don't wait for your husband to be ok with it. Just do it. I know money's and issue. It is for us too. But you really want this so make it happen some how

luly727

Thanks! yes we only have dinner together..going to try some of your ideas..

luly727

Thank you for the friend request..Yes he pitchs a little hissy fit, looks at the food and basically says Yuck that doesnt look good, or sometimes he will try it and have a few spoons of it and pitch it in garbage, then willl make himself sandwichs, crackers with PB& Jelly , chips, etc.. I always thought OMG this man can eat and doesnt gain weight. He wears skinny little jeans ..he has to have a tapeworm!! He down a big bag of ruffles chips just watching a TV show, then ice cream, then more munchies, it goes on and on.

brenn24179

take care of yourself first! I lost 40 lbs 2 yrs ago and xmas I put back on 13 lbs, I was taking care of of everyone but me! Two years ago I started cooking healthy and told my husband he would have to understand and if he wanted somethng else he would have to fix it. I had to do this again. He doesnt mind and I dont care if he does. We have to take care of ourselves if we are to be there for anyone. I was able to lose it once I did this. I know you feel bad, I did when I started gaining but just do what you did before and put yourself first!

did ya quit logging?

michellekicks

I've done this twice now. The second time is infinitely harder to get rolling, but once you commit to it you'll get it back. Very seriously... you CAN do this.

Know that no one can change you or sabbotage you but you. Don't let anyone or anything derail you. If hubby wants to eat crappy food let him. Remind yourself that you want to be healthy, fit, lean, strong, powerful, courageous, controlled and awesome. The crappy food won't help you with that.

You also have to put as much effort into you as you do into anything or anyone else. Don't let yourself get hungry. Don't forget to eat. Don't leave your needs to the very end after everyone else has been tended to. Stop and eat along the way. Plan your meals and prioritize yourself. You are, in fact, worthy of your own efforts. You don't exist merely to serve others.

Set yourself a very modest goal. Don't deprive yourself and you will be less inclined to eat mindlessly. Set your goal to lose 1/2 a pound weekly and in one year you'll feel awesome without having barely had to feel like you're restricting yourself.

Feel free to add me if you want. I want to see you succeed.

chatogal

take care of yourself first! I lost 40 lbs 2 yrs ago and xmas I put back on 13 lbs, I was taking care of of everyone but me! Two years ago I started cooking healthy and told my husband he would have to understand and if he wanted somethng else he would have to fix it. I had to do this again. He doesnt mind and I dont care if he does. We have to take care of ourselves if we are to be there for anyone. I was able to lose it once I did this. I know you feel bad, I did when I started gaining but just do what you did before and put yourself first!

did ya quit logging?

^^^^
this :-)

ladymiseryali

You're not obligated to cook for your husband. If he doesn't like what you cook, tell him to get his own dinner.

lambchoplewis

You can get right back on plan. This is a lifelong journey - not a lose and go back to habits. I have been maintaining for 10 months and find this VERY hard. I used to say no to everything and now, a little of this or that turns into too much.

I eat different at every meal than hubby. I do make him the "normal" protein, starch and veggie but... I eat a huge salad with whatever protein (4-6 ounces) on top of salad. Depending on veggie, I put this on salad also. No dressing - just a little balsamic vinegar. Even this last Thanksgving and X-mas out of town at in-laws and parents. I had the turkey on a huge salad. I listened to some comments, changed the subject and felt GREAT after the meal.

One thing I have been doing- and it is VERY controversial is weighing myself every day. It keeps me from shoving things into my mouth as I will have to face the scale in the morning. I have to accept the 2-4 lb overnight increase (or decrease) even if I am following the plan. I look at the loss trend (or stay the same) over time. I log food and exercise and read motivational blogs.

luly727

take care of yourself first! I lost 40 lbs 2 yrs ago and xmas I put back on 13 lbs, I was taking care of of everyone but me! Two years ago I started cooking healthy and told my husband he would have to understand and if he wanted somethng else he would have to fix it. I had to do this again. He doesnt mind and I dont care if he does. We have to take care of ourselves if we are to be there for anyone. I was able to lose it once I did this. I know you feel bad, I did when I started gaining but just do what you did before and put yourself first!

did ya quit logging?

Yes I just went off the deep end, eating whatever, not measuring, and not logging consistantly..

ohmscheeks

You should not settle for unhappiness. And if he's behaving that way, chances are that he is unhappy too. If you want to remain in your marriage, you should try to work on the issues either privately or with the help of a counselor. It will probably be like hitting against a brick wall at first. But, don't give up!

Also, good grief @ $400 / month! Some of your children must still live with you? Since you work, I would divide up the funds. You pay for your food, and he pays for his...

servilia

Some practical advice - yes it sucks but what I did was cook hubby what he wanted and then have something else if I don't have the cals left over to have what he's having. That way he's happy and I don't get derailed.

aloranger7708

I know how you feel, not with the gaining back weight, but when I began dating my boyfriend I gained *gasp* 60 pounds! I am horrified and disgusted looking at myself. He could seriously drink Mountain Dew and eat fast food every day and would be happy. I cook every night, usually something simple like grilled chicken and veggies or salad, and he'll turn up his nose and binge on snack cakes. It's very frustrating but it's not my obligation to feed him or spend time/money trying to do something nice for him when he doesn't appreciate it. Now I buy my own groceries and he buys his, and we'll have separate dinners.

marygee1951

You lost the weight once, so you know you can do it again!

I, too, live with a non-supportive SO. He battles me every step of the way. I used to submit and would eat what I made for him. No more. I finally put myself first and I make what I need for myself. I told him I would make him what he wanted, but I was going to eat what I needed to eat. So we go through this routine where I offer to make him something - be it one of his "frozen bag meals" that he likes, or maybe a hamburger or hot dogs, or a sandwich - all things he likes; and he refuses everything. So I cook my meal, and twenty minutes later he goes into the kitchen and makes himself one of the things I offered to make him. He thinks it makes me feel bad - it doesn't; he's a jerk. Not the best way to live - but it's his poor choice, not mine.

So let hubby and son take care of themselves - their grown-ups. You have to make yourself count - you have the right to be happy. Why should son and hubby have the attitude that they are more important than you -- unless you gave them the right to that way of thinking.

You go girl - stand up for yourself. :drinker:

Skratchie

BUT how do you keep going when there are days you just want to scream to be left alone?? Scream for kids that are grown stop calling you with all their freakin problems? How do you ask/beg/plead with an uncaring and not very nuturing husband that you need support, you need to feel loved and wanted and you would like his help????

What do I do? I pick up my keys, wave goodbye and take a ride. I get away from them, and I don't answer my cell phone when they call. When my grown daughter, who lives with her boyfriend, calls with her problems, I express empathy and say, What are you going to do about that? I don't usually offer advice, and I don't fix it for her. I did, until I realized I wasn't doing either of us any favors.

As for the husband ... that one is a little more difficult. I have a wonderful, caring, nurturing husband who supports every step I take. But my first husband was a complete jerk off ... and I found that I had to look inward for those things. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's true. Or I looked to friends, my parents, my siblings ... I learned not to rely on him, honestly. I lived by the credo - you make your own happiness. So I did, to the best of my ability.

Sending you a friend request, because I know how you feel. But hang in there; you've done it once, you can do it again!

ggeise14

I recently read on a blog (fit to the finish) its not that people don't have willpower its about the choices we make. I translated it for myself as quit making excuses. Its no ones fault but my own that I put on 11 lbs over the nonending winter. Now I am determined to get rid of the #s and keep on going! It sounds like you have goals and are trying to come up with a plan to achieve them, you can do this -- keep making choices that are good for you!

GiveMeCoffee

What I've done with my hubby who still thinks you must have meat, starch, veggie, and dessert.

First, I'm cooking I can make meatloaf with the leanest ground beef I can get, I can mix in pureed veggies to that meatloaf, and many other small changes that he hasn't noticed. Other then to say hey this is pretty good.

Substitute cooking spray for oil when you can. Save calories where you can. For starches, hubby loves instant mashed potatoes so I buy him the individual servings of them, now no temptation for me to have something I don't really like and he gets what he wants.

Now some other things, I do 99% of the shopping and cooking, so if there's a week I'm really struggling with wanting sweets or something, I don't buy it and now I can't have it. If he wants it he gets it while he's at work.

Small changes go a long way, and track it all. You can lose weight again.

tcraw15

Hi i was on here 1 1/2 yrs ago, got really into the "healthy lifestyle" did pretty good. Lost 55lbs I was thrilled, in a size 8/10 jeans..then stress, problems with sons, distant /uncaring husband and several trips down south to visit family and here I am ..i have gained back 30 lbs. I promised myself I would get back on track, i started coming here again and keeping track of my food intake, staying at 1200 cals. Right now I do housework, some yard work and thats about all for exercise.
None of my "thin" clothes fit me now I feel like a loser I have had to go buy clothes @ goodwill that are XL due to starting a new job soon.
Why do I keep screwing myself up??? I swore I would not gain the weight back. I get stressed, I get used by people , I end up helping everyone out of all their freakin problems and then I eat, and eat and eat, even when I really am not hungry. I have no control, then I regret it.
I know I can not blame my circumstances and crappy home life on it all, I have to be accountable to me. BUT how do you keep going when there are days you just want to scream to be left alone?? Scream for kids that are grown stop calling you with all their freakin problems? How do you ask/beg/plead with an uncaring and not very nuturing husband that you need support, you need to feel loved and wanted and you would like his help????

Ill say it, I HATE BEING FAT!!!! I hate squeezing into clothes and have fat plopping out all over I HATE IT!!! When I lost the 55lbs I was so gung-ho. Had a bunch of recipes , hubby would whine and complain, but I cooked them anyways. Now he is worse. has to have potatoes at every meal WITH gravy! he wont eat brown rice, he wont eat alot of veggies, he wont eat ground turkey!! the list goes on and on..I can not afford to make him a meal and then something else for me. As it is now, i spend 300-400 a month on groceries and I have to gethim his munchies..

PLEASE I need some real support, some advise, anything. I need someone that is not going to sugar coat it, but that can maybe understand what I am going through
Being off here for months I have lost connections with MFP friends and now I found my posts and stuff go unanswered...Ughhh Ok enough of my rants/vent.

First of all, I would like to say that I'm sorry to hear about your situation.. I know it must be really tough having a husband that doesn't support you.. In that instance, you and I are kinda in the same boat. Granted, I am not married and do not have kids, I feel I am on my own when it comes to losing weight, and am getting no support from my family. It's tough. It's real hard. Sometimes I just want to cry my lungs out... But at the same time, it's all I really have control over.

I gained all my weight back too, so you are definitely not alone on that one. I have some of the same issues that you are having, yet the way I see it, is I'm doing this for me. It's the one thing that keeps me sane, gives me something to look forward to... I look forward to my workouts because it allows me time to burn off emotions I've been feeling, and makes me feel better.

So I know it sucks, you just need to focus on the positive. Focus on your end result. Your goals.

If your husband doesn't want to support you, then screw it. You're gonna be a lot less stressed out accepting the fact he doesn't seem to care, rather than sitting there hoping and wishing and fighting for him to. It's exhausting. So just do what you need to do. If he doesn't want to eat the food you make, then he can either make his own food or starve...

But of course, that's just my own opinion.

I hope things get better for you. If you would like, feel free to send me a friend request. I'd be happy to support you through your journey.

trulabfloyd

You Can do it. YOu know how and you have done it before. the biggest tip I can give is to just keep on trying. I go throught the same thing going up and then down and then up again. But you are still way ahead of the game from where you began. We are all rooting for you!!!:flowerforyou:

trulabfloyd

I live with the sabotage on the food deal. there is seriously nothing in the world (well almost) that my husband would like better than to have me sit down and eat some meat with him. Constant problem. Just try to always make healthy choices no matter what. He ordered pizza last night and I ate the mushrooms off of it and had my avocado and beet salad. Where I blew it was the unbuttered popcorn and 450 calories for a medium unbuttered. If I had made it at home for 4 cups 80 cal! Hang in there and eat what YOU need to lose weight.

plt55

How do I save this post so my friend can read it

zichab

Oh my gosh Luly, you remind me of so many women of our age that I talk to. First, you have to understand that we were raised to put EVERYONE else first and ourselves last. We have to STOP this thinking to maintain our weight loss because at least as far as our own body is concerned we come FIRST!

So first, understand that your children are grown. You raised them well and they can solve their own problems. You are no longer responsible for their "issues." If you are not in the mood to listen to their problems, just say "Sweetie, I love you but I was just on may way out. We will need to talk later." You deserve some peaceful time to yourself having raised them all. TAKE IT!

Secondly, your husband is a grown man, if he can make PB&J GOOD! He will not starve! Let him grumble as it is good for him to realize that you are a person too! Sometimes, husbands get too darn comfortable and it is good to shake them up a bit. I would make a really tasty meal that you like one day and make one he likes the next day and just eat a smaller portion of it with a salad. If he grumbles just say, "Sweetie, I have to do this for me, but I bought Pb&J for you and I'll make what you like for dinner tomorrow." Do not apologize or get angry. Just state it as a matter of fact! Understand that he is trying to manipulate you into the status quo that HE likes. That is human nature, but trust me he will get on board when you take charge of yourself and he realizes he has two options, get on board or get left behind. You need to take charge and change the dynamics and not back down from them.

Once your family realizes that they are dealing with a new Luly, they will adapt and be much happier because you are! It is not easy to shut off all the tapes that run, but tapes are old technology. Dump them and watch the weight fall off and stay off!!!!

5ftnFun

You definitely have a lot going on. You must find a way to put yourself first. The very first thing I'd do is stop answering those calls from your grown kids. I'm all for supporting them & being there for them on occasion or for unusual circumstances, but to be a constant crutch is dysfunctional. The harder task will be dealing with the husband. You cannot force someone to love you or care for you, but this does not mean you can't do it. It may be tougher, but you can still do it. He may not help you, but do not allow him to hurt you either.

However you decide to deal with your home life, you must put your well being first.

adairbrum

You're not obligated to cook for your husband. If he doesn't like what you cook, tell him to get his own dinner.

oh yeah! Who needs potatoes every day try making veggie soup no pasta or potatoes or a chicken veggie
It's filling and good , the bottom line is take care of first because no one else will!

shirleygirl910

jwhited71 has it right. You can make little changes toward health and he'll never know. Don't try to change everything overnight. Most people don't like change. My husband is the same way. When I first started eating better he was very against it. After three years he's starting to change.

Since dinner is "The meal" for you cook the meal and pick out of that what you want to eat. I fix somekind of beef, starch, veggies and salad. My husband takes what he wants and I eat the meat and veggies. Consentrate on the portions that you take more than anything right now. I noticed I was eating way over portion size. When I started weighing and measuring and noticing what a portion size was, I seemed to make a lot more progress.

Don't make dinner or eating a battle. Enjoy yourself and make small changes. toward being more healthy.

shirleygirl910

Also, exercise can be as simple as walking. Yard work and cleaning are good, but try to see how much you can walk. One of my friends has a health condition and can't walk very much, but still needs to exercise, so she walks the length of her hall way several times a day.

luly727

You should not settle for unhappiness. And if he's behaving that way, chances are that he is unhappy too. If you want to remain in your marriage, you should try to work on the issues either privately or with the help of a counselor. It will probably be like hitting against a brick wall at first. But, don't give up!

Also, good grief @ $400 / month! Some of your children must still live with you? Since you work, I would divide up the funds. You pay for your food, and he pays for his...

LOL NOPE my kids are grown and gone..the groceries are for us. I load up on veggies, brown rice, lite lunch things for me, I buy alot of fish, chicken etc..then I have to absolutely buy him his bags of jelly beans, bags of potatoe chips, penaut butter & Jelly crackers, his ritz with cheeze assortment etc etc. He eats a BIG bag of ruffles per night and they are almost $4 a bag..so youi get the drift

luly727

jwhited71 has it right. You can make little changes toward health and he'll never know. Don't try to change everything overnight. Most people don't like change. My husband is the same way. When I first started eating better he was very against it. After three years he's starting to change.

Since dinner is "The meal" for you cook the meal and pick out of that what you want to eat. I fix somekind of beef, starch, veggies and salad. My husband takes what he wants and I eat the meat and veggies. Consentrate on the portions that you take more than anything right now. I noticed I was eating way over portion size. When I started weighing and measuring and noticing what a portion size was, I seemed to make a lot more progress.

Don't make dinner or eating a battle. Enjoy yourself and make small changes. toward being more healthy.

first i want to say CONGRATS on your weight loss!! your right about portions, before I would weigh and measure everything, that didnt go well..now my kitchen scale is on counter

salladeve

I have been up and down with my weight my whole life. The last time I lost really good and I swore I would never put it back on. Two months later I tore my Achilles tendon and was on crutches for 2 months, surgery more inactivity..... started gaining the weight back. Stress with elderly parents, yada yada yada...... I've gained all the weight back AGAIN. So I've been there I know how you feel, I feel the same way. You really just have to pull yourself up again and DO IT! I know it is hard, but what is the alternative? just gaining even more weight, and feeling more miserable? I figure the time is going to pass anyway, so if I can stick to a healthy lifestyle, and happen to lose a few pounds along the way, the more the better for me. A year from now I don't want to look back and say if I had just stuck with it I'd feel better, be lighter and more active.

As far as cooking for you husband goes... well in my house, he eats what I cook. If he doesn't like what I cook he can fix something for himself. After a while of you eating good nutritious homemade meals and him opening a can of soup, I'll bet he'll come around. If not let him fend for himself. Don't let him derail your attempts to become healthy.

Crochetluvr

The last time I lost weight I SWORE I would never gain it back. Well...you are not alone there.

My b/f can eat anything...he has such a high metabolism that he burns everything off. He looks amazing. He eats ice cream, peanuts, chips, chocolate, donuts, Coke...you name it. And we buy it every week at the grocery store. He doesn't want "healthy" food...he thinks he doesn't need it.

I have my snacks...some pumpkin seeds, popcorn, beef jerky, sugar free candy and diet Snapple. And the occasional higher calorie foods in moderation...like a half slice of cheesecake or non fat-low sugar frozen yogurt, a cookie or granola bar.

When it comes to making dinner, I usually make the same food for both of us. But I don't eat the potatoes and I only eat a very small portion of pasta....and I wont eat the bread. I eat more of the greens. I make cheeseburgers, stuffed fish, casseroles as well as lean chicken, ham, pork. But there are days I will make him things like mac and cheese and I will have chicken breast. It CAN be done. When the person you live with can't or wont identify with your struggle, you have to dig deeper and find the motivation within yourself. That's what I had to do. Not saying its easy but you do what you gotta do to make yourself happy.