almost 19, and parents still call me fat

NicoleOmorose

So today my dad and I got in a big fight. and when I say big, I mean massive. Apparently I said something to tick him off, because next thing I know he's telling me I'm fat again. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but today he went a step further. He blames me for my sister's weight problems. He said I was dragging the family down.

I am almost at a tie with my father for the largest one in the family, at around 270 pounds of fat and odd leg muscle, and at 5'5. And I've been content with ignoring him and the family every time they bring it up, and I can't leave because I have no way of financially taking care of myself, but I'm at the point of mental breakdown.

Going back on topic, my sister. She's 14, 180ish and 5'7She has lean legs with muscle, and a belly. Today I was in charge of taking her from home to school and vice versa. Since we had forgotten to get breakfast in the morning, and we don't have time to eat lunch, she and I decided to go and get some sushi. We treated ourselves on spicy tuna, and were stuffed. When we got home, soon before my parents, I started doing chores and washing dishes while she caught up on homework when the fight started.

And I'm just completely lost here. I hardly take my sister out anywhere, I hardly spend more than a dozen hours with her during the week. My parents buy her breakfast every morning from god knows where. I know it's not my fault, I'm a messed up late teen, but every time this sort of thing happens, where he calls me fat and blames me for something that I've had no control over. I just wait until they're fast asleep and cry it all out, or eat more. I don't know how to break my habits, and I'm tired of my parents constantly judging me, telling me I'm fat or acting sympathetic and telling me that I'm depressed, when I was previously fine. They make me depressed, they constantly remind me of something I have been trying so hard to accept. I don't want self-confidence to be an issue to me. I love myself. But beng around them makes me hate myself, and constantly reminds me that I can't be happy even for a day. And I can't leave. I want to, so badly, though.

Sorry for my rant, but I just need someone to talk to who would understand.

chkn_WANG_Train

get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.

mccbabe1

:brokenheart: :indifferent: wow.. im so sorry to hear that.. thats definetly VERBAL abuse.. and unecessary! and im sure the topic of the fight had NOTHING to do with weight/or anybody being 'fat'?? wth?? BOTH your parents say it to you too huh? and yes you are definelty NOT responsible for your SISTERS weight???!!! :noway: you dont open her mouth for her and make her chew!
i had a semi similar experiece at about age 13 or so (puberty) i gained a lot of wt one summer.. during puberty.. went from 90 lbs to 130. not a lot 'wt wise' but i was 5ft tall and just chubby and ya huge diff form 90lbs 2 mo prior!!! anyway my aunt/uncle raised me and my uncle would make comments at the dinner table.. "look at how much shes eating .. or look at her legs"... like mean comments... and my aunt would semi stick up for me though.. but ya.. and oh look.. low and behold a few yrs later, yr beforei went in HS.. i became anerexic and then balemic and got down to 100lbs and ran cross country! so yes verbal abuse can def do damage and im sorry that you aresubjected to it ...
idk perhaps you can write your parents a letter and tell them how much it hurts you.. and that you can look in a mirror and judge yourself for you.. you dont need to be told..??? sometimes writing is easier/more do able then talking.. esp if its gonna end up in a fight...

NicoleOmorose

get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.

Oh gosh. Sushi, once a week for 26 weeks is $260 >.<

Rent here for one month and a one bedroom is like, 1200

It's horrid.

NicoleOmorose

I'm not sure if writing a letter would possibly change anything :c We've had talks before where I'd ask them to completely stop, so I can get back to some sort of stability and stop being tense and stressed out all the time, subsequently fixing my eating habits, but a few days later they'll start again. I don't know how to make it stick with them that I can't handle that sort of thing.

aliann30

I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)

I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.

You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.

Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:

**ETA: Just saw that you said the letter wouldn't work. So sorry that talking to them hasn't worked. That is so so sad and my heart breaks for you. How close are you to being financially independent? Are you in school? Have a job?

Lobster1987

Your parents should not being calling you names. Period. Your sister's weight is not your fault. She is 14. She is old enough to make her own food choices and by the sounds of it, your parents probably didn't lead by example to make healthy choices. Their fault. No yours. Get a job and move out. You do not need to put up with it.

svelt123

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. What you can try to do is began focusing on only yourself. Began thinking about making a plan for your future. You are 19. Have you thought about what you would like to do in order to move out on your own?

Have you thought about getting a small job and going to college? It is simply time for you to think about you and your life and what you want out of this life. You are spending too much time at home with people who are stuck in a rut! You know within yourself that you deserve better than what you have right now!.

You are 19. You do not have to stay home and take verbal abuse! Family counseling/ a church pastor or clergy may help but still it is now time for you to focus on moving out of your parents home and become the person that you can be proud of. You can do it! You are are young and smart and you do Not have to live like this!

The weight will fall off! When you feel like eating your emotions talk to your true friends, keep a journal, go for a walk. Think about what you are doing to yourself when you binge or eat your feelings. You know this!

:flowerforyou:

aliann30

get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.

Oh gosh. Sushi, once a week for 26 weeks is $260 >.<

Rent here for one month and a one bedroom is like, 1200

It's horrid.

Could you find roommates?

Lobster1987

Go to college away from home and live in the dorms. Get financial aid if you can't pay for it on your own. It's what I did and it did wonders for me. If your parents are like mine (in my case, my mother- I have a mother with a personality disorder who calls/called me names as well), you need to get away from the situation. Check out www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

NicoleOmorose

I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)

I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.

You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.

Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:

The fata** comment hits hard. It affects people when they see their parents sitting down, relaxing, and telling their kids to get up and do some work. I'm going to try the letter, but it scares me. What if they just brush it off or get over emotional or even angry at me and start blaming me? And then what if they push harder? I hate the pushing. it just makes it worse.

aliann30

Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.

NicoleOmorose

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. What you can try to do is began focusing on only yourself. Began thinking about making a plan for your future. You are 19. Have you thought about what you would like to do in order to move out on your own?

Have you thought about getting a small job and going to college? It is simply time for you to think about you and your life and what you want out of this life. You are spending too much time at home with people who are stuck in a rut! You know within yourself that you deserve better than what you have right now!.

You are 19. You do not have to stay home and take verbal abuse! Family counseling/ a church pastor or clergy may help but still it is now time for you to focus on moving out of your parents home and become the person that you can be proud of. You can do it! You are are young and smart and you do Not have to live like this!

The weight will fall off! When you feel like eating your emotions talk to your true friends, keep a journal, go for a walk. Think about what you are doing to yourself when you binge or eat your feelings. You know this!

:flowerforyou:

I currently have a job, but it pays very little, and I'm concentrating on university, hoping to do it and finish as fast as I can. A journal might actually be a really good idea. and your confidence warms my heart. Thankyou. :flowerforyou:

NicoleOmorose

Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.

I am currently in Uni, and have a job, but my job hardly pays for my school, and the financial aid offices see that I either reside with my parents or that they have money and deny me the possibility of going after something further away

I want to move out, I just don't want to leave my younger sister in an environment where she has no one to defend her if she gets in a bad argument with them.

I'm going to try and get a higher paying job. Moving out is now one of my main goals.

aliann30

I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)

I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.

You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.

Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:

The fata** comment hits hard. It affects people when they see their parents sitting down, relaxing, and telling their kids to get up and do some work. I'm going to try the letter, but it scares me. What if they just brush it off or get over emotional or even angry at me and start blaming me? And then what if they push harder? I hate the pushing. it just makes it worse.

If you reach out to them as their child, and they brush it off that's on them. That is TOTALLY on them and honestly it makes me want to cry even thinking about doing that to one of my children. I just couldn't. That's purely heartless. The only thing I can say is it might be them backlashing simply out of guilt. IF that happens, do NOT let it destroy you. It is NOT your fault. They will probably do it to your sister too because the issue lies IN THEM. To do that to your child means you obviously have some inner issues.

Honestly if it causes them to get angry or start yelling or whatever, be silent. Don't lash back - it won't work. Walk out of the house if you have to....take a walk...get some fresh air and cry if you need to. Then move on. Let them sit in their guilt, and you move on and get your life going. All you can control is YOUR actions. Don't use the situation as an excuse to get stuck in a rut. You do NOT need their validation to make your life great.

JeninBelgium

Go to college away from home and live in the dorms. Get financial aid if you can't pay for it on your own. It's what I did and it did wonders for me. If your parents are like mine (in my case, my mother- I have a mother with a personality disorder who calls/called me names as well), you need to get away from the situation. Check out www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

this plus the keeping journal idea- plus the best revenge of all- getting fit- you get yourself fit and thin then he will have to come up with a new name to call you and since you will be in university he can call you whatever he wants because you won't be there to hear it

Antlady69

So sorry that you have to go through this. I wish your parents were aware of what they're doing to you.

You said you can't move out because of the lack of finances, but you didn't explain why you don't have money. Are you still in school? College? Is there a way you can get a part-time job? Anything that gets you a little extra money, which you then can save up. Because you do need to move out and get away from this situation ASAP.

If you're really at your wit's end, seek help. There are free online sites that give you some suggestions, for example this one:
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/ (click on the "Ask A Question Now" link.

Best of luck. I sincerely hope you can find a solution.

aliann30

Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.

I am currently in Uni, and have a job, but my job hardly pays for my school, and the financial aid offices see that I either reside with my parents or that they have money and deny me the possibility of going after something further away

I want to move out, I just don't want to leave my younger sister in an environment where she has no one to defend her if she gets in a bad argument with them.

I'm going to try and get a higher paying job. Moving out is now one of my main goals.

They've denied you for school loans? Just because you move out doesn't mean you can't still be there for your sister. Let her know that you are there if she ever needs you. She's only got a few more years before she can move out and you can room together. It may also empower her to see you confident enough to move out on your own, so she'll see that she doesn't have to stay there forever and take it.

NicoleOmorose

So sorry that you have to go through this. I wish your parents were aware of what they're doing to you.

You said you can't move out because of the lack of finances, but you didn't explain why you don't have money. Are you still in school? College? Is there a way you can get a part-time job? Anything that gets you a little extra money, which you then can save up. Because you do need to move out and get away from this situation ASAP.

If you're really at your wit's end, seek help. There are free online sites that give you some suggestions, for example this one:
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/ (click on the "Ask A Question Now" link.

Best of luck. I sincerely hope you can find a solution.

I have a part-time job, but that pays for my education and I save enough quarters to have a guilty pleasure like sushi every few weeks, but I'm usually very strict on my spending, and all my bonus money either goes on saving up for christmas/birthday presents for my little sister. Financial aid wont support me because of my parents' money. I'm currently saving up. I hope that I'll have more work coming in so I can leave right after Uni ends. I'm going to try harder, but I feel as though every time I get a little bit out, gain a little bit confidence, one or the other says something, and leads me back to my binge hole. That's the scary thing. What if I get into a binge hole I can't get out of/

Snow3y

Tell him that he's really a pathetic excuse for a father... and that he should be blaming you for all of his faults just because he's useless in most cases in life

First thing I'd do is move out, cancel him out your life. When he realises how much of a douche he was (or still is) let him know how it's too late.

Astari22

I can definitely sympathize with you. All through my youth I dealt with emotionally abusive parents. Being called fat was a normal thing in my house. You may not be financially able to move out and focusing on school is good, but in that situation you are just setting yourself up for a possible bought with major depression which will in the end take a toll on your school work. The main suggestion I have is seek out some help from a professional. They will help you learn better ways to cope than eating your feelings, which I did for many years. You can check with your school to see if they have any sort of counseling programs on campus that you would be eligible for or check in your local community. You may be able to find a place that offers help based on your income, or if you have insurance through your parents check with the insurance company and see what it will cover. I really hope you are able to overcome this and can show the world how awesome you are no matter what your weight is.