almost 19, and parents still call me fat

aliann30

Luckily I did not have any siblings but as I got older I fell into a parent role more than a child so I felt responsible for my mother through most of my teen years. That is a totally different story though. At the time I didn't deal with it very well and I either ate, got drunk, or participated in self injurious behaviors to make the pain stop. By the way I do not promote any of these as a healthy coping skill. One of the things I did as well was write. I wrote poems, most of them I can't find any longer and it is probably a good thing. Whether I planned on letting anyone read them or not, it did help at least get the mess of stuff in my head out so I could think properly. I am currently thirty years old and just now learning how to properly take care of myself. It took a very long time and a group of amazing friends to make me realize that I was worth actually caring about myself and what I do and put into my body. I think if I had known about all the resources out there for help when I was younger then it wouldn't have taken me nearly as long to become someone that has some self worth.

We have a lot in common. :flowerforyou: I had a very unhealthy relationship where the roles were reversed with one of my parents too. I also wrote a LOT of poetry and stories and journaled a lot from the time I was 12.

I also wanted to say about the siblings - while I didn't have verbal abuse, my home life was far from ideal and emotionally....exhausting. I left for college and my brother and sister (they were 14 and 16 respectively) had to deal with the mess at home. A lot went on and I got called on several occasions and dragged into issues that weren't my responsibility to fix, but I held a lot of that on my shoulders. I didn't want my siblings to have the same experiences I had growing up, and I was trying everything to prevent something that I couldn't control. I also exhaustively tried to "fix" my parent. It was very damaging emotionally and it wasn't long after that that I fell into a severe depression. So severe that I had to leave school and it put my life on hault.

You need to find a healthy balance between being there for your sister and allowing her to learn to defend herself and be strong for herself. While that may be hard, it's a vital coping skill she needs to obtain in order to become an independent, self-sufficient adult.

Anyway...didn't mean to hijack this thread. Like I said, I'm here to talk whenever you need it.

Silvara_11

I've been there and sorry to tell you it isn't going to change - you can't change other people only yourself. Don't engage and don't pity eat.

I was a miserable and overweight as a teenager, I got financially independent and moved the hell out of home at 17 and now live in a different country from my family. Yet when I visit I still get told I'm either too big and need to lose weight or I've lost too much weight and should stop. I'm 33!!!!

I just shrug it off, I have a great life and love food and am working on finding a balance on my own terms. I know what is best for me an guess what your parents don't always know better.

Believe in yourself - don't engage, stay focused on your goal to get the hell out and it will work out.

Good luck!!

Lupercalia

Since you can't move out right now, I'd try to spend as much time away from the house as possible. Stay at the library, the gym, out walking about, visiting with friends, whatever. Just stay away from the house and all the nastiness. Try to switch from eating out of anger and sadness to doing something else--I go out for a long walk when I'm feeling like I need to escape something that's going on. It's healthier, and something about walking is really great for thinking and sorting things out in your head. Breaking that unhealthy relationship with food is really important, though.

I hope you will be able to move out very soon. Have you spoken with someone at your university to let them know the situation you're in? There might be something they could do to help (offer some sort of funds for housing, support groups, etc.). I've found schools to be really quite understanding and helpful with these sorts of issues.

dartaaa

I was only 150lbs when my stepdad still kept laughing at me, telling me I'm fat and god knows what else, it was an unhealthy environment, therefore I got a job, saved up some money and moved out at 17, which helped to break my bad habits in a blink of an eye. As my psychotherapist said - it's not healthy to be around disfunctional people all the time, who live by bringing others down. Because in truth your father is bringing you down and I hope he gets his karma for that. Keep going x If you need help, I'm here:)

neandermagnon

get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.

Oh gosh. Sushi, once a week for 26 weeks is $260 >.<

Rent here for one month and a one bedroom is like, 1200

It's horrid.

look into renting a room in a house share, it works out a lot cheaper than renting a one bedroom flat. Save all the money you can. Not sure what your situation is, but if you're studying full time, see if you can get a job at the weekends (if you don't have one already) and look into renting student accommodation, if you're at uni there should be an office in uni to help students find accommodation. It works out a lot cheaper than renting your own flat.

If that's totally not possible right now, then I second what Lupercalia said. You don't have to spend time with people who have such a toxic influence on your life. Unfortunately some parents are like that, because they can't handle their own issues they take it out on their kids (or each other or whoever's around for them to take it out on) - please do your very best not to take any of this personally, try to see it as a weakness and problem in them, not in you. Try to minimise the influence they have over you.

Also, if they're talking to you and treating you like this, they're probably doing the same to your little sister... be a good big sister to her, be a shoulder to cry on and always be available to her if she needs support, even if you're minimising your time with the rest of your family, and even after you move out.

snowboardandasuitcase

Chances are, your father calls you names because he is unhappy with himself. It's the bully-mentality. It's not how he truly thinks of you, but of himself instead, and that's what makes him angry. If losing weight isn't what you want/can do atm (I know about uni stress/blind eating!) you should really just focus on being positive for yourself and your sister. Moving out doesnt seem to be an option, so I'd recommend just doing your best at school since that's what will help get you out of this situation eventually. If you're not exercising atm, I'd recommend picking up a workout routine (think boxing) that can help channel your stress/anger/etc. It doesn't have to be expensive or even extreme. When I was in highschool living at my parents place, I hung a rolled up sleeping bag (inside of it's case) in my closet and used that as a punching bag. At least you can beat on it when you're frustrated! haha. It worked for stress relief, and it's something I already had in the house! Not to mention I started to really feel the muscles in my back developing! haha. You've clearly found a whole community of supportive people here that wish the best for you and want to see you succeed. You should check in with us regularly and try not to think poorly of yourself or your parents. Even though they are in the wrong, it won't help your sanity to grow angry towards them.

-"Holding resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Emma Timmons in Lark Rise to Candleford)

vstraughan

:explode: :mad: :explode: :mad: :explode: :mad:

SERIOUSLY?! WTF?!?

Let's play this out a sec.

If you are supposed to be responsible for someone else's weight - when you don't cook for them, raise them, educate them - then who is responsible for yours?

If you are 'fat' and on par with your dad, what does that make him? Him being a person who is supposed to be older, wiser, more experienced and financially self-supporting.

I think the time for niceties is well and truly over. This ABUSE needs to be addressed before it scars you for life, if it hasn't already. I can't and wouldn't tell you what to do as I just don't know you well enough to take that kind of liberty.

What I can do is tell you what I'd do if it was me.

Get myself to my doctor - (1) get it down on record, (2) get some support, (3) get some advice. Crying myself to sleep is not acceptable.

Speak to the Financial Aid people and tell them of the abuse and how I'm seeking medical help as a consequence. I don't know how it works in the US, but here (UK) this situation would have me treated as an independent adult and assessed based on my own income and outgoings.

Start looking for house/apartment shares, irrespective of the stage of the Financial Aid discussion.

You mentioned that you're scared of writing the letter and fearful of more arguments. That's completely fair but NO-ONE should be afraid of their parents.

For your own sanity, I would suggest you do give this a last push - verbally or in writing - but when you have a plan of how to follow it up ... whether it's verbal and you walk away without allowing comment, or you write it and just refuse to talk about it unless there's an apology due.

While I agree with the quote and sentiment behind "Holding resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." ... I believe it's better to get angry then let this destroy your spirit. I was in a verbally abusive relationship where my soul was ripped out, my self-confidence flatlined and my self-worth was non-existent. I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it and make the change. I got to the point where I honestly believed that it was all true and was all I was worth. I was lucky to have good friends .... and in a short time I've seen MFP be a great source of instant support.

If the responses on this thread do nothing else, I hope they at least give you the solid believe that your situation is WRONG and it is not your fault. NO-ONE should have to go through this

HollisGrant

Go to your university financial aid office. Ask questions, and if you don't understand, ask them again. That's what those people are there for.... this is really important.

It is time to own your own life and your own happiness. You should be able to live in a dorm or live in a rented room, work part time, and go to school. Ask the school about your financial status, not your family.

NicoleOmorose

Thank you all for everything.

I'm going to attempt to take some of the steps you've all mentioned. First thing's first, see if I can get financial aid and move out.

My parents have always been good, hardworking people, but I don't know why my father is constantly on edge and snapping at everything more than usual, and blaming me and my sister for things we have had no control over, growing up. It's never been at this point before, but I can see how it's been gradually increasing over the last few years to this exploding point.

I'm going to try. And I will keep the few of you who asked, updated.

Thank you all so much. You can't imagine what this means to me.