Ideas? How to talk to worryingly overweight relative?
AprilOneFourFour
Posts: 226 Member
Hi, I'm looking for advice / ideas. I hadn't seen my relative for some time. She is obese, and is getting bigger. The last time I saw her she was badly out of breath just talking and walks very slowly. She is in her 40s.
Naturally I'm worried about her health. I don't know whether she is, she rarely mentions it.
I'm also worried about the fact that she looks very unkempt - wearing tatty clothes that don't cover her belly. She is very well off and does not go to work or have any dependents to take care of, so is not at all short of money or time.
What do you think?
Is there a way of broaching the subject?
Has anyone every been in my relative's position and found it useful when somebody talked to them? IF SO, what was said?
Thanks for any help. I have been mulling this for days but not getting anywhere.
Naturally I'm worried about her health. I don't know whether she is, she rarely mentions it.
I'm also worried about the fact that she looks very unkempt - wearing tatty clothes that don't cover her belly. She is very well off and does not go to work or have any dependents to take care of, so is not at all short of money or time.
What do you think?
Is there a way of broaching the subject?
Has anyone every been in my relative's position and found it useful when somebody talked to them? IF SO, what was said?
Thanks for any help. I have been mulling this for days but not getting anywhere.
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Replies
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Depends on your relationship/their personality I think, some people will take a blunt, to the point approach and others will just blow up at it! I would sit her down and discuss your worries, focusing on her health and well being, rather than weight (which may be a symptom of other issues).
Good luck!0 -
I would just get upset if someone wanted to talk to me about my weight. In fact, a co-worker mentioned it years ago and I've never forgotten the shameful feeling I had that day. It's not like I didn't know I was gaining weight, but to have someone point it out really hurt.
With that said, it's great you care enough about your relative to be concerned. If you want to try to help, what's worked for me in the past is to encourage them to go on walks with you, and somehow bring up MFP in the discussion. If you talk about how you're getting healthier and feeling better, it may click in their head too. Lead by example!0 -
bump0
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My nan said to me god girl your not half packing the lbs now arnt you what have you gained 60-70lbs! it was only 40 and i had a baby 3 weeks befor hahashe stayed on my case for a year untill i decided to do something about it never ever forget what she said how it hurt me but im so grateful now x0
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It really is a TOUGH subject to bring up with others. So...since you say she's not short on time or money can you ask her to join you on some kind of fun physical activity. I think that would be the best way to "put the feelers out." She will either accept and surprise you or decline saying that's not something she's able to do. Well, or she might just say no with no reason, but if she brings up her weight or whatever it will give you a chance to ask her if she's willing and ready to do something about it.0
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Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.0 -
Not useful. At all.
Talk with her... not to her... and just have a natural conversation or two without trying to attach your weightloss agenda. Perhaps as your talking and LISTENING TO HER you'll learn more about your relative.0 -
It really is a TOUGH subject to bring up with others. So...since you say she's not short on time or money can you ask her to join you on some kind of fun physical activity. I think that would be the best way to "put the feelers out." She will either accept and surprise you or decline saying that's not something she's able to do. Well, or she might just say no with no reason, but if she brings up her weight or whatever it will give you a chance to ask her if she's willing and ready to do something about it.
I like this idea. Try inviting her out for activities that would get her up and moving a bit maybe. That would be a great starting point to see if she is willing to try.0 -
you can go on walks or something with her, but really there's nothing. they have to change on their own.0
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Honestly, I'd talk to her and ask if anything is going on in her world. From what you've said, she kind of sounds depressed. She's not taking care of herself and not making sure that she has adequate clothing even though she has the time and resources to do these things. She is not placing herself as a priority, so I think what she really needs is a friend to remind her that someone cares about her.
If you've ever been to therapy yourself, mention how it has helped you to get out of a rut when things were getting you down and how it was like preventative medicine to keep you from getting worse. If you haven't, I would bring it up only if she mentions feeling sad and not like herself in the conversation and mention how it might help in her situation to have someone to talk to, but her weight seems more like a symptom of depression.0 -
I'm in the same position with my sister. I'm 45, she's 43. I've tried for years to encourage better health because I love her and want her healthy but it has to be her choice.
She's a member on MFP but hasn't used it. She'll try to eat better and exercise for a while and then give up again. She does have medical issues that cause her gain weight VERY easily and it is harder for her to lose than it is for most people so I understand her frustration. She knows how big she is, she knows she isn't in the best of health and she has the tools make the changes. She knows I'll do everything I can to help her and encourage her. BUT until she's ready, all I can do is love her and be patient and pray that she makes the changes.
We don't live in the same state but if we did live closer, I'd offer to cook healthy meals for her once in a while and teach her how to cook them for herself. I'd show up at her house and offer to walk with her. Shop with her and teach her to make healthy purchases... but she's my sister and we're close. If you aren't really close to this relative, I wouldn't say anything at all until she asks you for advice.0 -
Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow...that was a bit on the mean side...
OP - I don't know if there is any good way to do it. We all know it hurts when someone points out our weight. I remember the first time I had a doctor tell me I was obese. I still think he was a jerk, but it was accurate. :laugh: You'd have to go about it very carefully. I like the idea of inviting her to join you for a walk or something. Maybe if the difficulties she is having, like breathing, come up, maybe you can talk about it. You'd have to feel out the conversation. It's nice that she has someone who cares about her enough to take that risk. :flowerforyou:0 -
I know this from personal experience with my own mother. My mother has a lot of health issues and some even hinder her from weight loss... However, I was so concerned for her. When I started, she "wanted to do it with me"... Whenever she makes those comments, she usually doesn't stick with it. When I would ask her if she logged, etc, she started getting on my case that I'm getting annoying. I'm sorry, I would love to see my mother healthy. She ended up stopping, but I continued. About a month ago, she sat down with me and we talked. She told me that she wanted me to help her lose weight. She had a different tone about it. She has been going strong and has been going to the gym with me. She still has health issues currently, but she has had a lot of NSVs already. We would love to see all of our family members lose weight and get healthy. However, it doesn't work that way. They have to make the decision for themselves. Just be nice and supportive if she mentions that she wants to lose weight. If she doesn't show interest, just lead by example. Maybe she will want to know "your secret" and then you can approach her about it. best of luck0
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how about this- since you say you haven't seen her in a while- why not say, you miss seeing her and make plans for visit- going shopping, or for a walk or somewhere that you will have to walk at- any event not food centric- then that will get her moving- repeat these visits a few times and while visiting casually mention that you are working on getting off the extra pounds- keep it very casual and about you not her
see how she reacts-
then after some visits see if she will be your walking buddy if that works, then bring up things like her health etc.0 -
When my weight was increasing, and my health decreasing, my self esteem was also decreasing. So when my lovely father said "wow you've packed on the pounds what are you going to do" Well what I did was get worse and start to hide out from most of my family and friends.
I had to hit rock bottom for myself before I decided I was tired of being fat, lazy and unhealthy. Then I started making small changes. You have to be very careful in what you say to someone about their weight. What you can do is go visit and make a healthy dinner for her, or maybe suggest you take a short walk. Subtle suggestions to encourage her not judge her.0 -
Depends on your relationship/their personality I think, some people will take a blunt, to the point approach and others will just blow up at it! I would sit her down and discuss your worries, focusing on her health and well being, rather than weight (which may be a symptom of other issues).
Good luck!
^^This. It is a good idea not to focus on weight but overall health.0 -
I'm never a fan of telling a fat person he or she is fat. A fat person already knows. Since there is more to it than just weight, you could engage in conversation and listen for clues as to what might be going on. Don't press.0
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Telling her won't do anything- she knows she's over weight. I love when people thing that "telling someone" is a good decision. It's like- you seriously think they haven't figured out that they had to go buy new clothes?
really? no clue? they have no idea?
incorrect.
they do. They know. pointing it out (as someone noted) is EXTREMELY hurtful. This is a great thread discussing some ideas on how to try to help a loved one get on the right path.
http://nerdfitnessrebellion.com/index.php?/topic/28557-how-to-tell-someone/0 -
Lead by example. Start hanging out with her more, let her see your healthy lifestyle and let her come to you. Otherwise, if you approach her it won't end well. Do you think she doesn't know she's obese? Do you think she isn't aware of future health problems? She knows, trust me.0
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Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow...that was a bit on the mean side...
Do you know what I think is mean? Looking at a relative you've not see for "some time" and making judgements on their mental and physical health and talking about it on a forum of strangers and allowing them to make judgements too.0 -
Why don't you just ask her if she would like to start walking with you. (If you live close enough.) Sounds like she may be a candidate for congestive heart failure or heart disease, and diabetes.... I think you should approach the subject lightly at first. Talk about your own weight, and how easy it is to eat 6 small meals a day and feel full. Let her engage you in conversation. If she doesn't just ask her "would you be interested in being my weight loss buddy?" All she can say is no. Just remember to be sensitive, and helpful when talking about it. If she does start walking.... Remember that her stamina won't be anywhere near yours, and she may have to sit and rest often. Take a chair along. Her body will hurt, and she will want to give up. You will need to keep her motivated. Don't let her give up.
Good luck!0 -
It really really depends on the relationship you have with her. I know when I was putting on the weight someone said to me that I was the biggest cheerleader on the squad. That did nothing but hurt me and I ignored it. When I decided enough was enough my boyfriend admitted he had noticed I'd put on weight but that he didn't care what size I was but he could see my confidence disappearing and that really upset him.
Hope that helps0 -
Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow... you're one of 'those' people. Go troll somewhere else if you have nothing helpful to post.
OP... approach it from a health aspect NOT a weight aspect. If she's out of breath just talking and slow walking then there's definitely cause for concern and as a family member you have every right to express that concern (unlike what the troll above says). As for her appearance, well that's her choice and most likely a symptom of depression. All you can really do is express your concerns and encourage her (not badger) to seek help. She's not going to change until SHE'S ready and sadly you have to be ready to accept the fact that she may never reach that point. Lead by example.0 -
I'm sure she knows she's overweight and I personally would be so ashamed if my family reminded me. I would feel worse. I understand your concern though, for your loved one. But I think I'd just leave that one alone ????????????0
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I'm going with no, unless you want her to be bitter and hateful. You're saying this like she doesn't know that she's obese, I'm sure she unkept because she's having a difficult time finding clothes or has the mentality that buying nice clothes is like polishing a pile of poo . . . I've been there, I know.
There's a reason why she got here, people don't end up grossly obese because they are living a happy balanced life, your outward appearance is a direct reflection of your inward balance (although when a person's weight gets out of hand that can start playing a roll in tipping those scales even more). Start with her mentality, work on that first, then try to help her instill balance in other parts of her life.0 -
Jules, does she know you had WLS? Maybe seeing you and the progress you have made will spark some conversation. I am sort of in the same situation with one of my cousins who had the surgery and seeing and talking with her started me to consider surgery and eventually have it. Now another one of our cousins is reaching out to me and asking about it. Kind of paying it forward I guess. Everyone has to get there in their own time if they even decide to. Remember it is a tough conversation especially if the person does not even have their head wrapped around the fact that they even NEED to do something for their health.0
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Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow...that was a bit on the mean side...
Do you know what I think is mean? Looking at a relative you've not see for "some time" and making judgements on their mental and physical health and talking about it on a forum of strangers and allowing them to make judgements too.
she's not making judgements. she cares for her relative and wants to help her, just doesnt know how to approach her without hurting her feelings. no need to be nasty.0 -
Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow...that was a bit on the mean side...
Do you know what I think is mean? Looking at a relative you've not see for "some time" and making judgements on their mental and physical health and talking about it on a forum of strangers and allowing them to make judgements too.
I didn't think your post was mean, it was probably more realistic and real life then most of the other posts on this topic. And to be honest it maybe the reaction this relative has if she's confronted!
We seem to all want to wrap our selves up in little sweet fluffy words of encouragement all the time, but sometimes that *kitten* just doesn't work :flowerforyou: 0 -
I'm also worried about the fact that she looks very unkempt - wearing tatty clothes that don't cover her belly. She is very well off and does not go to work or have any dependents to take care of, so is not at all short of money or time.
Could it possibly be that she is trying to lose some weight (or is still in the contemplation stages of change) and therefore doesn't want to by new clothes at the moment and only has a few things that still fit? I've definitely been there!0 -
Leave her alone. It isn't your place to "save" people from themselves. She's an adult and presumably of sound mind. If she wants your opinion, she'll ask you for it.0
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