How can I want it so badly, But never follow through?

mindymh78

I completely understand that those around us are "affected" by us and our decisions. (Ok.....here i go in therapy role again) My guess is that he feels helpless in your process and HE thinks that him saying how much he liked you before will HOPEFULLY motivate you to get there. HOWEVER, it doesn't help. At. All. I get that. Try to describe to him WHAT YOU NEED FROM HIM. Because a lot of times partners don't always know what to do and you need to tell them what you need. Tell him you need words of support, motivation to continue moving forward and to leave his ideas of what he liked before alone for now. You know he liked you the way you were before. But that doesn't need to be thrown in your face. In fact it only creates more shame = "distraction" for you from your goals. Tell him the old "If you don't have anything nice (and supportive!) to say, then don't say it all" thing. If HE is able to get this, this will only draw you guys CLOSER in your relationship. Which then makes you feel good= motivated = stay on track with your goals.

However, you also will need to get over the dependency of needing his approval to move forward. Decide you want to move forward for you and not just him. This will help you become less sensitive to his comments. Because you've already decided that your decision to do this is more important than his views.

You do this again, by accepting who you are. You are more than your weight. Find those other characteristics that are positive that make you YOU! I.E. kind, loving, nurturing, compassionate, etc. Remember the good too. Otherwise we are wired to focus on the bad.

Ok that will cost you $130. Just kidding! On the house! Good Luck!

beckyinma

For the people saying " You dont want it than."

No you're wrong. I do want it. Otherwise I would not have said it.

To be more correct with your statement you should say " You wan't it but you are not putting forth the effort to obtain it."

I just don't like the whole Guilt trip routine and making me feel lazy. Clearly I'm aware i am lazy. In fact it makes me depressed. In turn I get grumpy and don't know what to do with myself because im depressed by the fact that im lazy. It's terrible!

it's all mental.

I appreciate if that is your way of trying to help me see my fault in this and help me change it but tough love doesn't work for me. I get offended.

It's not tough love, believe me, I was EXACTLY where you stand 2 1/2 years ago. I didn't want it bad enough! I looked in the mirror and said OMG look at what I've let myself become, I want to change it, so tomorrow I will, but the laziness stayed, and I came to accept that what I had become was who I am. It's SO far from the truth. You are not who is in the mirror, that's just a package that can be rewrapped, but YOU must want it badly enough to take whatever obstacles you've put in front of you, a bad schedule, or a SO that you think doesn't appreciate you, whatever, and get through them, understand that they are just obstacles, NOT EXCUSES to allow you to continue to be lazy. THere are a thousand 3rd shifters on this site, that have made it work for them, not against them.

I hit rock bottom, I accepted that the package in the mirror defined me, and I lost the drive, the care to 'care' about it. I thought losing weight was too much work, too much commitment. Then I bumped into a friend that had lost 40lb, slowly, 1 meal, 1 workout, ONE DAY at a time, by forgetting the big picture, the 'end result' and looking at what he could to TODAY to change his life, not looking at his huge goal of 100 lb that he wants to lose and getting overwhelmed by that big number. He looked at today, this week and evaluated what he could do to lose 1 lb. Then the next week, he evaluated what he needed to do to lose the next lb.

I kept my goals small, in check, what would I do for these 5 lb, what would I do for the next 10, what do I do when I get to 50, then 60, and at the end, I finally realized that it is attainable, I just had to see me at my worst and realize that small goals are far more attainable right now, than what is impossible overnight. My goal of 75lb lost is still unachieved, but now I have the tools, and for the last 764 days, I have been here, each and every single day, assessing my small goals, to see what it will take for that next 1 lb. If you came to me 765 days ago and asked why I don't lose weight and be happier in my own skin, I don't know what I would've said, but I know it would've been something along the lines, of it's too hard to lose that much weight, I want it bad, but it's too hard. It's not hard to lose 1 lb, it's hard to lose 75, so keep your goals small and within reach.

SashaMegan

It looks cute for retro but I hate that I can't dress modern without looking funny.

Not true! Most of time it's all about how clothes are cut. You need to find the perfect cut that fits and flatters your figure. You would be surprised!!! There are plenty of chubby, or even overweight women that dress modern and look fabulous because they chose the right clothes!

Try to find what's best for your figure, and you'll see that you'll feel better about your shape instantly, and it may boost your motivatio (although in my opinion your issue isn't only about motivation)

I feel more or less like you do right now, so I decideed to ditch the scale (weighing myself 5 times a DAY was really stupid), and stopped logging (but that's a personal choice since I estimate well the amount I eat so I can self-regulate my intake)
I'm focusing on how I feel, and on working out (logging only the exercise for motivation) and guess what, since I started doing it I feel sooooo much better. Some clothes still don't fit, but then I just wear something else.
It has changed my mood, I am not obsessing over food, calories, scale number, and it has improved my relationship.

If you feel your BF is losing love for you, then maybe it's because of the tension that this situation is creating. It was the case for me. My BF and I are very close and it was really hard for him to see me depressed all the time bc of my weight. This is really something that turns people down, especially as I was so joyful before and when we started dating.

So try one step at a time, log your cals but do not obsess over them, and stay active as much as you can, why not go for a walk in a nice place with you BF and chit-chat? It's some execrise for you, and some sweetness for your relationship

[edited for typo]

michelle7673

I understand that you are struggling. Lack of sleep can be really hard on all of this. When I was a competitive rower, I was eating 1700 calories a day and rowing an hour and a half every day. But I still only lost MAYBE 3/4 of a pound a week....and I swear it was because the lack of sleep. My work involves a lot of evening hearings, and doing that and getting up at 4 to drive to the boathouse just crushed me.
It sounds like you need the sense of being in control. I would focus on your eating primarily, because you are going to eat, right? It's just a question of what and how much. Exercise is important and great, but it's still mostly about what you eat.
Here is the hardest part -- at least for me -- the patience. Losing weight is not *that* hard for most people ....losing weight FAST is hard, and not the greatest idea either. It's the impatience that pushes people to crazy unsustainable plans. You are almost halfway to your goal, so you know you can do it.

Belinda658

then you don't want it badly enough.

Agreed.

Motivation is irrelevant.

All that matters is that you GET OFF YOUR BUTT.

Yep. You need to want it badder than badly

wwhickok

First of all, I just want to say this because I've been in a similar situation from the OTHER side of it. I was the 'boyfriend' (in this case the husband actually). But there's a big difference, yes, my wife was constantly saying that she wanted to change things and lose weight, etc. etc. and she wasn't putting forth the effort but there was more to it. I was part of the problem, my bad eating habits and the luxury of a high metabolism which has obviously slowed down, were not supporting her wants to change.

The whole "My boyfriend has lost some love for me", emotionally, that's probably part of the problem, not an excuse, not one you should use to justify not putting forth the effort, but you DO need a good support system.

The fact that you say he's 'lost some love' for you, to me that's terrible, instead of, what sounds like him judging you and turning away, he should be supporting you and helping you be motivated to change.

My wife and I both made changes to our diets, it took me longer to commit to them than it did her, but when that happened, real change started to occur, my wife is now at the lowest weight she has ever been in her entire life.

You say you want it badly, I'm not going to sit here and judge you, nor do I wanna make you feel bad, but it's the exact same thing I have told myself "you've got to put up or shut up". You have to push yourself and stay positive. The weight isn't going to come off because you want it to badly. It's going to come off because you're doing what you need to do.

Keep a positive attitude, drink lots of water, eat healthy, walk, exercise, run, whatever it takes. Do like Nike and just do it!

Good luck. The ability to accomplish this is within you, believe in yourself.

janlawrence2

I just discovered this site today, and it's funny because just yesterday I was asking a friend of mine your very same question. I have had the most tumultuous year in my life - I lost my dad and my brother. I was already gaining weight being my dad's personal care giver for 5 years and not taking care of myself (and he was morbidly obese, nearly 400 lbs!). Because of his poor health, alcoholism, morbid obesity, etc. over the years, in my 20s I had made a mental commitment to stay healthy because i NEVER wanted to follow in his footsteps. And that worked great until I hit 40. I'm going to be 49 in July, and I am in the worst possible shape of my life. Not only did I quit working out but I just gave up on healthy eating and have now ballooned to 60 pounds overweight. I have developed chronic back pain, knee pain and the mental side of it is devastating...constantly beating myself up. I've tried program after program, hired a personal trainer...nothing works long-term because I keep convincing myself that nothing works. I know that's rubbage mental talk, but I am really having a hard time breaking the cycle. So, today, I signed up because I know that this does work, and that millions of people have proved it. You need to track, you need to take baby steps and you need a community of support. So, I'm here...for me...and for you...take my virtual hand because I know I can't do this by myself!

ninerbuff

It's a terrible mind set but I have this idea in my head that if i lose the weight than i will be in more of a position to tackle all my other endeavors.

It seems like a lame excuse to myself but I just feel handicapped because I dont feel like a woman.

Well there is a "phobia" called the fear of success. Usually a person that feels this way believes that outside forces can take that success away or that success may not be "earned". Which is usually why they sabotage themselves before even reaching goal by going out and binging or overdoing a cheat meal badly.
Expectation of one's self has a lot to do with this. Once you reach success, then if you fail badly after it, you may be viewed as a failure. And our society isn't that empathetic to failure.
This I can say. IF you really want this, then don't be afraid to take it. It's yours. It's calling you. And you DESERVE it.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

kr1stadee

It might not be that you don't want it - I believe that you really do want this.
You just aren't ready.

I was sick of my weight for years. I was sooo wanting to get rid of it, by any means possible. I'd try - count calories, Slim Fast, diet pills, LA Weight Loss, fad after fad.. and I'd lose 10 lbs.. and then that's it. I had my bloodwork done many times, I swore it was my thyroid, I just couldn't lose the weight. So I stopped trying.

I ballooned up to 220 and this past summer was a hot one. I was fat, hot, and I hated every minute of our family vacation. At the end of the summer, there was no hype, there was no plan, I signed up to MFP and I've been here ever since. I was finally ready, and I'm still going - nothing is stopping me. I'm down 55lbs, and I have more to go.

When you're ready, you'll just do it, and there will not be anything to stop you!!

janlawrence2

Thank you for sharing this post. Sounds like a carbon copy of my life (and I'm nearly at that 220 right now!). Big inspiration!

skparker2

then you don't want it badly enough.

This is a little harsh and not very constructive. For some people, like myself, this is true, I finally gave up smoking (20+ years ago) when I really wanted to badly, I started to lose weight when I wanted it badly enough, but that is me and this doesn't apply to everyone. It depends on the type of person they are and personal circumstances.

I agree! I think people need to lay off. Her schedule is a huge hurdle. You could definitely want it badly enough, but with no support from someone else, it makes it that much harder.

Good job on quitting smoking & losing weight, Ron!

spirytwynd

OK, you want it. Now do something about it. You know where you are. You know you don't like it. You have identified where you want to be. You are well through the necessary process. All that remains is to determine how to get from where you are to where you want to be. You must chart the course, plan your route. Then all that remains is to do it! Yes, these last two steps take the longest and are the hardest. That is just the way it is.

You mention not being able to run far and that you have issues with your back. OK, do what so many people on this site have done. Start small. You can only run three laps? Cool. You are way ahead of the people on this site who got winded and tired when walking from the couch to the refrigerator. They started walking, then they built up to walking further, then they started jogging, and then they ran. It took time and effort, but some of them are now running marathons. You didn't get this way overnight. The solution won't happen overnight either. Believe. Be dedicated. MAKE IT HAPPEN!! You can do this. YES, you can.

OK, you can run 3 laps. Run them. Then run one lap, walk half a lap, run one lap, walk a half, and keep it up until you have run a total of four laps. Keep working at it until you can run four laps straight, then five, then six, then two miles. Try swimming. Do some weights. Get out and move. Do less talk and more walk. Do you want this? Then do it. Maybe have your BF come along for the ride. Go have some fun. Drop some of your unhealthy eating habits. Add some good ones. Watch your portions and make them good sizes . . . and not super sizes.

Borrow the quote from MacBeth and screw your courage to the sticking place! YES, you can do this! Now go do it! And have some fun in the process!! ;-))

(And when you succede, send pics so that everyone else, especially those who start after you, can be encouraged by your success)

Capt_Apollo

then you don't want it badly enough.

This is a little harsh and not very constructive. For some people, like myself, this is true, I finally gave up smoking (20+ years ago) when I really wanted to badly, I started to lose weight when I wanted it badly enough, but that is me and this doesn't apply to everyone. It depends on the type of person they are and personal circumstances.

I agree! I think people need to lay off. Her schedule is a huge hurdle. You could definitely want it badly enough, but with no support from someone else, it makes it that much harder.

Good job on quitting smoking & losing weight, Ron!

i have single moms, working moms, single dads, night shift workers, long shift workers, parents of four, part time students, full time students, people with multiple jobs, and many other people with crazy schedules, not to mention myself...

we all find a way to make it work.

OP, you need to figure out a time to work out. i can tell that you like to work out, and you want to be better at it. can you go exercise before work? would you rather go after?? by third shift, what exactly are your hours? what days do you work? what other obligations do you have?

toozi

It's hard to maintain your motivation when you don't get enough sleep. A lack of sleep makes you depressed, lowers your energy, and weakens your immune system. In women, it inhibits your ability to feel full after a meal and on top of that, makes you crave junk food!

>>> http://healthland.time.com/2012/06/11/why-sleepy-people-reach-for-junk-food/

When you catch up on sleep you'll feel better mentally and physically, making it much easier to stick to your goals and make healthy food choices.

You can read all about sleep here, but you probably know how it's done, haha.

>>> http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/index.htm

LoraF83

I hear ya...It's tough situation. I spent about two years wanting to get in shape but i gradually regressed.

I don't have an answer other than at some point I got so fed up with it that I threw any excuse and obstacle out the window and did it. That is just kind of how it is.

That happened in January of this year. I then hit a mental wall in april and got lazy. Got rid of excuses and back in the game recently. It's a learning process.

You can have All the tips in tricks in the world, but it comes down to knowing what needs to be done, then doing it, and coming to the realization that not doing what needs to be done is your conscious choice to stay how you are or move farther away from your goals.

This. I spent a good year "saying" that I wanted to lose weight and sort of half heartedly exercising now and then. But, I never applied myself to it, because it didn't seem very important to me at the time.

When I finally got serious in December 2012, it was because I wanted nothing more than to be fit, healthy, and active. I truly, truly, truly wanted a change in my life. So, I changed it. I exercised regularly, counted my calories every day, and took care of myself. It was hard sometimes. I had days where I slipped up, got lazy, overate, etc. And I still do. But most of the time, I'm working towards my goals - because those are more important to me than anything else.

As far as third shift goes, my advice would be to set a schedule. Go to bed at the same time every morning. Wake up at the same time every afternoon. Preplan as much as possible. Do food prep on your day off so everything is grab and go. Schedule chores, so you're not spending your awake time running around like a chicken with your head cut off (you know, clean the bathroom on Monday, mop the floors on Tuesday, vacuum the living room on Wednesday, etc). Organize your life so you can move through it more fluidly. Then, invest in some room darkening shades or hang a blanket over your window. Get a noisy fan and turn it on high. Get a sleep mask if that would help. Keep the room cool and dark and you'll sleep better. And exercise regularly. You'll feel better.

AmelieMustLoseWeight

I have taken a good look at my life the passed few days. In that time I came up with a bulletproof schedule while befriending a large support group to help me out of my laziness.I have a beach body coach as well. Hopefully I will understand these turbo fire dvd's better. If it makes sense I think I have a fear of doing things new. Not because i don't like variety but because it brings uncertainty and in my mind that can cause possible harm. Getting over that will be my biggest challenge. I am glad to say that my life is changing today. It looks like it is for the better. In 2 months I will at least have dropped 20 lbs. If I can help it. Thank you for the support and helping me out of a dark place. I wish you all luck.

divasilver

I guess you are trying to do too much at once and have too high expectations. If you plan your food every day the night before, and then on the day before you eat, weigh it and count the calories it will be easier. If you think starve=beachbabe then you will defeat yourself before you have started. I see you have a violin-I am a musician so can be your buddy if you like. Sally

FightingFox

then you don't want it badly enough.

THIS. People who want something bad enough rarely let any obstacles stop them. They usually find a way.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Really? You are a trainer and this is what you have to say, like to your clients? You need to read aroranflash's post. As a fitness instructor myself I know that weight loss is not that simple.

FightingFox

It's hard to maintain your motivation when you don't get enough sleep. A lack of sleep makes you depressed, lowers your energy, and weakens your immune system. In women, it inhibits your ability to feel full after a meal and on top of that, makes you crave junk food!

>>> http://healthland.time.com/2012/06/11/why-sleepy-people-reach-for-junk-food/

When you catch up on sleep you'll feel better mentally and physically, making it much easier to stick to your goals and make healthy food choices.

You can read all about sleep here, but you probably know how it's done, haha.

>>> http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/index.htm

sharing again!

ninerbuff

then you don't want it badly enough.

THIS. People who want something bad enough rarely let any obstacles stop them. They usually find a way.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Really? You are a trainer and this is what you have to say, like to your clients? You need to read aroranflash's post. As a fitness instructor myself I know that weight loss is not that simple.

Really. All SUCCESSFUL people fail somewhere on their quest for whatever goal they are trying to achieve. What do they do differently than people who give up? They find a way to continue. In reality the lifestyle is nothing more than a change in habit. Exchanging some bad habits with good ones. Some people don't WANT to quit the bad habits or don't really want to change their current habits.
I'll be the first to say that one doesn't have to diet to lose weight nor eat perfectly. Personally myself I'm a 80/20 and IF eater. Weight loss is a simple process, but challenging to do for many.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

rotill

You have had some great advice (I particularly think the one about structure is good and important), so I'll just add my own motivations to the mix.

It seems like you know what you need to do, and you are doing it. It just takes a bit longer than it felt like it did coming on. Remember, you didn't gain weight over night, it took six years!

As for what worked for me? I did the maths. At one point I realised that I had been gaining one to two kilo a year for the last 15 years That put me at 20+ kilo overweight. If I didn't at least stop that progress, in another 15 years I'd be 40 + kilo overweight. I already had back problems and a bad knee. I was projecting into the future, seeing myself as an obese, handicapped woman in a wheelchair when it was time for retirement.

Now, do the same for yourself. You have gained 50 pounds, that's about 20 kilos over 6 years. in 12 years you'll have gained 40, and be 60 kilos overweight - that's a whole second you. You are very young, and by the time you're half-way into your thirties, you'll be crushed under your own weight, and unable to do anything at all.

The least you should do is stop this. However, you have already managed to turn it around! So, do some opposite projections. You don't tell us how long it took to lose those 20 pounds, but let's say 6 months. In another 6 months you'll be only 10 pounds away from having lost all the weight it took 6 years to gain. Then it may take you 6 months to lose the last, but you'll be stronger, fitter and smarter by that time! You'll know how to regulate your weight, and how to stay fit, and you'll know what to do if it starts creeping back on. The future, helpless, obese you is all gone, due to your own hard work!

I know what I'd pick. Good luck!