Mother of a problem...

Giovanna_Isabella_Santarelli

To all the mother's on this site... please don't judge or take offence because i know there are many awesome moms out there....

I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same boat as me???

I have a mom who absolutely regrets having me ( she had me when she was 20 to save her marriage) & takes out all of her frustrations & anger out on me. I obviously don't live with her but she always bad mouths me to my dad and sisters, she even makes up stories about me. I've always been respectful towards her even when i am hurting & i still visit her at least once a week becasue she is my mom and i love her & don't want to regret not visiting her when she is gone one day. But when i visit she gives me dirty looks, rolls her eyes at everything i say & constantly puts me down in front of mys sisters. I was always skinny but now that i picked up weight she makes fun of me & when i say i am trying to lose it, she remarks that i won't be able to lose weight because according to her, "i don't have it in me" I don't know what to do anymore... do i ignore her and cut her out of my life or do i sit back and take her insults?

Please when answering... please be respectful. If you can't just skip this post...

To those who read & understands... thanks in advance :flowerforyou:

MyOwnSunshine

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

_Krys10_

I am not in the same boat. I would have to say walk away, it can't be good for your self esteem. Do you siblings see it/say anything to her? I'll bet you will be one incredible mother from lessons learned.

hannahpistolas

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

THIS.

Giovanna_Isabella_Santarelli

Both my sisters see it & they both amazing to me.... but if they confront her, she makes up lies about them to my dad!

michellechawner

I'm in the opposite boat, but I do know that if family isn't there for you, stick with your friends. They can be like family, sometimes better than family.

missymakayla

prove to her that she was wrong..

kgerm317

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

^^ This! I wish you the best of luck.

billsica

I'd be gone. Go find the people who love you and concentrate on them. I'm sure you have plenty of people who do.

although I have to say your story does sound a little familiar.

pastryari

Stop visiting her. Toxic people will only bring nastiness to your life. I don't talk to one of my older brothers, the day I finally cut him out for good (it'd go back and forth with me forgiving him) is the day that I cut a heavy weight loose from my life. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with them and their negativity/nastiness. Don't make yourself miserable because you think "it's the right thing to do." You have to do what's best for you. I finally realized that.

SlimJanette

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

This

msleanlegs

If someone is being cruel to you, cut contact. Just because the woman birthed you doesn't mean she has a right to treat you like dirt.

Some_Watery_Tart

It's time for some therapy, girl. No one has a right to treat you that way. And you are in no way obligated to subject yourself to emotional abuse just because it's your mom.

audra0831

My mother doesn't treat me badly, but she treats my children - her grandchildren - horribly. And so I keep them away from her. I've never confronted her about the way she treats them, and I probably never will. In my situation it just wouldn't do any good. So my choice is to just stay away, and when a situation arises that my kids must be around her, I don't leave them alone with her.

My advice would be to get some counseling. She's obviously not going to change but maybe you can change the way you deal with her.

Best of luck to you.

ally_cole

This! You are worth so much more. It will be harder than anything you've ever done in your life to walk away, but you deserve people in your life who are supportive and loving.

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

DeeBrownBaker

just because you're related does not mean you have to allow someone to treat you badly... love yourself FIRST!

unless you like feeling like a martyr...

SugarPickles

I am not in the same boat...but I have learned over the years that you should surround yourself with positive people...not people who will bring you down...

Best of Luck!!!

tpittsley77

Have you ever confronted her with your feelings? I would write down your feelings, with cold hard facts to back them up. Give her what you wrote. Along with an ultimatum. Either she focuses on fixing the relationship, and how she treats you, or you walk away. It will be better for your emotional health. And I am speaking from experience. Best of luck to you.

Jennloella

my mother has a very different memory of mine and my sibling's child hood than we do.....we remember being locked in closets and hit with wooden spoons, she swears she was an angel to us. She makes up stuff to start fights between us kids (there are 8 girls and one brother) and she has succeeded in causing some permanent rifts between a few of us. out of 9 kids, 5 of us have completely cut her out of our lives, one of my sisters to the point that she cut the entire family out just to prevent our mother from ever finding her. The rest of us call on christmas and mothers day out of obligation. Once I made that choice to hang up on her when she was abusive, to stand up for myself when she was wrong, and to not visit, call, or invite her over when she couldn't "play nice" I felt such a sense of relief and empowerment. At 34 I would still get anxiety walking into her house. I finally had to distance myself. Currently we have not spoken in over a month because she yelled at me on the phone and when I asked her to stop she hung up on me. I refuse to fall for it and call her, I'm not going to interact until she apologizes, and honestly I hope I never hear from her. I'm expecting a baby next month so it's really too bad, but my family and my emotional state are more important than putting up with her because "she's my mother" took me a long time to realize that. Good luck whatever you decide.

saviarre

At some point, you will need to do what is best for you. Dealing with her negativity is not in your best interest, especially as you're trying to lose weight. It might be time to put your foot down, create some boundaries and get assertive with her that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. The more you take it, the more she will think she can get away with. Take control of this. And if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

pinkledoodledoo

It sounds like your mom doesn't deserve to have such a tolerant daughter. I would definitely give that relationship some space and maybe in time the two of you can find a better relationship. You don't have to cut ties completely but I'd say that weekly visits or even phone calls are not in your best interest. Cards for holidays to let her know you care... maybe a visit on her birthday to see if her attitude has changed... but otherwise you're not doing yourself any favors by sticking close to her.

Mousiechan

I avoid toxic people so perhaps you can too. You need be upfront with her and tell her how you feel. There is no need to visit someone who is nasty to you. There is also no need to allow yourself to be bullied so tell her this and do not visit her if the bullying continues. Unfortunately not all mothers are caring people. It's not you, it's her!

caterpillardreams

I have issues with my father he is not always so bad but he used to be awful when he would say some mean things and just be hurtful. There was no love in his words, I know he loves me because he took care of me and made family number one but for some reason he did not understand that words are part of raising your child in a loving way
When I was in my early 20's I left, I joined the Air Force and was so happy I did. it gave me the distance I needed from his negativity. I think he tries not to be that way but then he can go revert back to his mean ways when he feels hurt inside. I can tell he is broken and needs healing but it will not be at my expense.
You are not a problem,. she may have had you young but she has choices, she could have chosen so many paths in life she chose to have you. She is dealing and has been with her own failures, you may remind her of those times, and so she puts up a wall and she fires at you, It makes her feel better. It makes her feel stronger and maybe even in control knowing she can invoke these emotions in you.
I would not say cut her off forever, but I would let her know to stop what she is doing, stand up fro yourself, you can still love her just don't take her crap. You may have to limit your visits, just because you do not come around does not mean you do not love her. But you have to believe in your self, know that you love her but can not fix her. she needs to want to change.

My father says I love you now, when I was young he would never say those words, distance makes people realize you are important. At leas in my situation. he is not perfect, if we are together for more than a week, something happens and it can get ugly, but I do not make myself feel guilty anymore, yeah it hurts, But I have A God who is greater and helps me understand that he is broken and he needs a deep healing.

markymarrkk

I'd call her out on her B.S. ... tell her how you feel. Reading your story gets me mad, I don't understand how parents could be that way.

frankizoy

i always believed that you should love your family no matter what. me personally, i wouldn't visit her as oftan, but i wouldn't cut her out completely. maybe visit her every other month or even just on holidays, that may help.

PamelaGatorMom

Sorry I can’t relate when my mother was alive we were best of friends, but I can tell you that NO ONE should make you feel less about yourself, not even your mom.
Also she clearly has issues as well that she needs to deal with and that is why she lashes out at you. I would say keep your distance don’t cut all ties but people who don’t make a positive difference in your life should not be allowed in it!
I love my sister so much but she’s made some choices in the past few years that are very hurtful to me so I’ve made a choice to limit my time with her. I will always be her sister but I don’t have to be around her negative life.

:flowerforyou:

KKWilson

I'm in the opposite boat, but I do know that if family isn't there for you, stick with your friends. They can be like family, sometimes better than family.

^^THIS! Friends are the family we choose. I am not in your boat either, but I do understand the drive most children have to maintain a relationship with their parents. Even when a parent is abusive, which in this case seems to be what is happening based on your post. I'm not suggesting you cut her out of your life entirely, but take control of your relationship and decide what type of relationship you will have with her and what you will permit. A counselor will definitely help you process this situation. You deserve to be surrounding by those that support and lift you up, not tear you down.

tinak33

prove to her that she was wrong..

She is being resented by her mother for existing.
No matter what she does, she won't be able to "prove" anything to her mother.

OP, like everyone else says.... seek counseling, and stop visiting her. If you want to have family around, call your sisters. But leave your mother out of it. You don't need that in your life anymore. You might have had to deal with it as a kid, but as an adult, you have the choice to walk away.
:flowerforyou:

RabbitMccool

Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

Im sorry you have to go thru this. But I agree, mother or not.. dont let her treat you like this! it will only bring you down.
P.S. your never alone! God is always on your side!!!

lizsmith1976

You can accept her for who she is, a selfish and cruel person with emotional limitations, forgive the past, and move on. Without her in your life. Sometimes you have to do that. You owe her nothing and you certainly don't owe her your own happiness and emotional health.

You don't have to let her do this to you. You don't have to let anyone do this to you.

Maybe she will turn it around and be different and apologize someday, and maybe she won't. Either way, any time apart will be her loss and for your gain.

Sorry

MizAngie

Borderline Mother. By Christine Lawson.

Great book, got it from my councillor. No excuse for what she does to you. NONE.