Food Nazi?
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You are expecting him to completely change around his life just so you can feel sexually attracted to him? I'm not trying to seem rude, but I can completely understand why he is getting upset at you.
Maybe he is trying to lose weight... but not according to YOUR idea of what ''effort' should look like. You need to rethink your nagging and pushing him. I also don't think your justification in this is that because you were 'honest' that he needs to hang on your every word and do what you want.
If you were in the same situation, I think you would feel differently. Put yourself in this situation - You tell your husband you are trying to write a book about your life experiences because you want to have him be a part of your excitement. Suddenly, your husband starts criticizing whenever you aren't writing. Whenever you get a page done ever few days or so, he's not impressed and he says you should have been able to get more done in that time. When you want to have a nice day off with your hubby without working on your book, he gets pushy and tries to come up with ways to motivate you, like suggesting he leave the house with the kids so you can get some writing done. He doesn't even realize it, but your writing goals have become his own, and he is on a quest to make sure you do it as quickly as possible. He doesn't realize that you want his support through him being positive and happy about you achieving your goals, but not try to "backseat drive".
Basically, what I mean by that example is that when you are consistently trying to push him beyond what he decides to do, weight-wise, you are disrespecting him, because you are giving him the message that he is not capable of progressing. He wants you to be his cheerleader, NOT his 'coach'!
I hope this helps in some way. I think you are well-intentioned, but I think you may be trying to take his struggles into your own hands, which will inevitably upset him and discourage him from trying on his own.0 -
I asked my husband to nicely tell me if I was loosing chin definition again and gaining weight. I have not gained an ounce and have been maintaining my losses, I am at a plateau so not overly happy about this. He looked at me the other night and told me I was getting a muffin top again, then looked at the make up I had carefully applied to be attractive to him and asked me why I bothered. I was shattered.
I am bringing this up because men have feelings too and want to be found attractive. Maybe you hurt his ego. 10 pounds is not a huge amount to need to loose, maybe instead of concentrating on his eating habits invite him on a walk with you or on a jog. Ask to go hiking together. I know my husband can eat whatever he wants and stay fit. ( I hate him only a little for this
)
It could be something else too, I know when I lost 50 pounds I suddenly thought he and I would be like it was before my son and he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me....boy was I WRONG!0 -
~ Don't allow your " lifestyle changes " wreck havoc on your real world ... find a healthy balance that works for you both. It is one thing to want to be healthier ... but to expect everybody to be just like you is a surefire way to a lonely life. If I had to guess ... 7 months ago you were happily married ... you accepted him for his appearance as he also accepted you for yours. I applaud you for making healthy changes ... but don't allow a shallow outlook on appearance ruin the big picture here ...
I assume you fell in love with this man for something more than appearance ... I get the sexual attraction issue .... but darling, build his ego with love ... don't tear down his confidence with such vast amounts of judgement ... just maybe, think about this ... use reverse psychology ... appreciate what you have in this man, build his confidence with love and affection ... guide him in a gentle way to healthier choices and just be his best friend ... you know, the one he chose to marry.
I know this sounds brutal ... but life is not perfect, nor are the people in it ... what we expect, we often only see ... but how about allowing someone to grow in a direction that is both healthy and happy ??? Nobody likes to be forced into being somebody they are not ... this is where we all lose sight of what really matters in life. We get stoked about becoming healthy and fit .... then we expect everybody around us to jump on board. That just isn't reality.
Be proud of your choices ... enjoy the success of your accomplishments. Just be happy with who you are.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.
All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.
^^This. If you didn't want to marry an older man, you shouldn't have married an older man. Frankly, you sound really selfish and shallow. Telling him that you aren't sexually attracted to him is not support. It is demeaning. He is obviously trying very hard to make you happy, and if you really loved him, that would be enough. Something tells me that 10 lbs is not going to make a difference.0 -
Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.
All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.
I believe that relationships are give and take. There are many things that I do for my spouse because he has expressed they are his needs and wants, in this life and our marriage.
I expressed mine. Is that so wrong?0 -
You're not sexually attracted to your husband because you perceive him to be 10 lbs overweight?? :noway:
Umm this?!
I've been with my SO for six years and through those years we both have gained and lost a lot more than 10lbs...
I have never been less attracted to him regardless of his weight. I love him unconditionally no matter what.
Honestly, if I were your SO I wouldn't even want to have sex with you or even be around you if you told me you weren't as attracted to me anymore.
This ^
Just keep doing what you need to do for your health, but let him be....You have hurt his feelings and it will take quite a bit to get over. Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk, and let him know how much you love him, that is if you do....Best wishes.0 -
Wow.......0
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I have seen dozens of posts on MFP written by women saying that their men have "been honest and told them they didn't find them sexually attractive because of their weight" and the women were saying how hurt and offended they were. The numerous responses are always "he's a jerk", "dump him", "what an *kitten*" etc, etc... Now you are doing the same thing and no one is calling you names. I think it's a double standard and unfair to men. I am not calling you names, LOL, I'm just stating how odd it is that the reception to your post is such a polar opposite to the others when they are the exact same situation.
That being said, of course you should be sexually attracted to your partner. and THAT being said, he has to want to do it for himself, not for you, or he'll either 1) never accomplish it or 2) resent you the whole time. Neither are good outcomes.
Gotta' completely agree with the commenter that said
"I would venture to say that maybe you guys need some outside help, i.e., counseling. He's only 10 pounds overweight? Did I read that correctly? Maybe I missed something...? And you're bargaining for blow jobs?
Um...I don't know what else to say. Wow."
I'm sorry, but I think you two would benefit from professional help, it doesn't sound like a super healthy relationship.0 -
Ok...forget the 10 pounds for a minute...
You were once of the same mindset as he. You have been able to keep your focus....he has lost his. As was already stated, you cant MAKE him lose anymore weight...he has to want to do that. There is a 12 year spread between you and yes, he is going to look even older to you as years go by.
My b/f is 12 years older than I am...and I am the one who is overweight. But I have always been overweight since he has known me and he has always told me he doesn't care how heavy I am ...all he wants if for me to be healthy. Maybe that's the route you have to go. Stop with the sex bargaining and talk about his health instead. After 40, things start to get more difficult.0 -
I believe that relationships are give and take. There are many things that I do for my spouse because he has expressed they are his needs and wants, in this life and our marriage.
I expressed mine. Is that so wrong?
Well, when you were overweight did he ever tell you that he was less attracted to you because of it? Did he give you glares if you dared take more dinner or have a snack?
Honestly, his physical health and fitness is his thing. He has to want it in order for him to change. By you doing what you're doing (whether you think it's helping or not) is just making him angry and upset. You should be lifting him up instead of tearing him down.
In the time my SO and I have been together we both gained a substantial amount of weight. I am choosing to lose it, and right now he isn't. I'm not forcing him to by bribing him or telling him I'm not interested in him as much as I was. He's supporting me and when he's ready I will support him. And if he's not? I will support and love him anyway.0 -
She DID mention that HE wanted to lose the weight.
Since you mentioned ages, I will let you in on a terrible little secret. It is 50 gazillion times harder to lose weight at 40 than it is at 28. When I was 28, I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and burn it off by walking around the block twice. Now, at 38, I have to lift weights, monitor cardio, eat clean - and even with all this hard work, it's STILL not coming off!
I understand where you're coming from (my hubby is about 40 lbs overweight but does nothing to lose it, and it's hugely affected our marriage because he's constantly complaining about his gut hanging over while he eats his 3rd bagel). But you also have to see it from HIS perspective. You work hard, you look fantastic. He works hard, nothing changes. You offer to help but he sees it as controlling. Your idea of helping may not be what he needs.
What would I do? Back off. Let him try things his way. He's not stupid (hopefully), he understands what he needs to do to lose weight. If he asks for your help, then help him. But in the meantime, just be supportive. If you're the one who cooks, cook healthy meals and buy healthy food. If he wants to eat crap, then don't deny him, but don't join in. Love him big or small, he needs a boost in his confidence that he can make these changes, because no matter how many BJs you offer him - you can't lose the weight for him. This is something that HE needs to do, and he needs a supportive wife, not a coach breathing down his neck.0 -
I'm sure people have lots of interesting comments on the 10lbs thing, but I want to comment on a different part.
If I was him, I'd bank 3 workouts a day!
I'd be killing it at the gym everyday with that kind of motivation.0 -
Maybe I didn't read close enough, but all I saw about the OP's weight was she was within 7 pounds of it. SO, how much has she lost ? Did he love her for who she was before she was " within 7 pounds?" Sounds pretty elitist to me. You should want your husband to be fit for a long and healthy life together. If you based your whole relationship on sexual attraction and looks alone, you already failed.
Married to my soul mate for 21 years now, she is what no other woman could ever be, the mother of our daughter, and a damn fine one at that.0 -
She DID mention that HE wanted to lose the weight.
Since you mentioned ages, I will let you in on a terrible little secret. It is 50 gazillion times harder to lose weight at 40 than it is at 28. When I was 28, I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and burn it off by walking around the block twice. Now, at 38, I have to lift weights, monitor cardio, eat clean - and even with all this hard work, it's STILL not coming off!
I understand where you're coming from (my hubby is about 40 lbs overweight but does nothing to lose it, and it's hugely affected our marriage because he's constantly complaining about his gut hanging over while he eats his 3rd bagel). But you also have to see it from HIS perspective. You work hard, you look fantastic. He works hard, nothing changes. You offer to help but he sees it as controlling. Your idea of helping may not be what he needs.
What would I do? Back off. Let him try things his way. He's not stupid (hopefully), he understands what he needs to do to lose weight. If he asks for your help, then help him. But in the meantime, just be supportive. If you're the one who cooks, cook healthy meals and buy healthy food. If he wants to eat crap, then don't deny him, but don't join in. Love him big or small, he needs a boost in his confidence that he can make these changes, because no matter how many BJs you offer him - you can't lose the weight for him. This is something that HE needs to do, and he needs a supportive wife, not a coach breathing down his neck.
Thanks for the reply. Honestly though, he works out for 3 days and loses 4lbs! He has no problem losing it, he just has no desire to workout or eat right. He ate 1100 calories in one supper last week alone.0 -
Could it possibly have something to do with the fact that you have not yet reached your weight loss goal? You said you still have 7 pounds to lose...that's only 3 pounds less than him.
I dated a man for years and in that time I adopted his eating habits and gained 20 pounds. In the time we dated he gained 50.
I lost the 20 pounds I gained and he kept his 50 on. Yet, he still wanted me to lose more. Nothing was every good enough. I had to listen to guilt trips and be poked fun at constantly. It made me hate him. I knew he was really just disappointed and uncomfortable with his appearance and he wanted me to feel as low as he did.
I'm not saying this is why you're giving your husband negative reenforcement but in any case he could read it as such and even if and when HE decides to lose the weight, you may be more attracted to him and he may be less attracted to you.0 -
Ten pounds could not possibly make him an obese flabby mess of a man.
Hilarious.0 -
Is it so wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your spouse?
Am I expecting too much?
yes...you promised to love him through thick and thin. This is the thick part.
agreed. my fiancee is overweight. he loved me before my weight loss and I love him even though he isn't losing. You should want to be attracted to him but this is causing undue tension and maybe something else is lacking. Worry about yourself and hopefully he will follow suit
^^ that. My fiance loved me just the same at 260 as he does now. He didn't exactly find me as attractive then as he does now, heck I didn't find me attractive then, but you need to be supportive of him no matter what. He has to want to do it, and remember that saying "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"0 -
Wow really....I think it's age that bothers you, more than the weight.
You referred to it as making him look older...he is 40.
Put him on here, so i can tell him to kick your selfish shallow *kitten* to the curb!0 -
It's hard to motivate someone else unless they really want to be motivated....like pushing a rope uphill. It has to come from within each of us. Sorry for your troubles:(
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yes. Like any addiction, change has to be internal.0 -
Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.
All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.
I believe that relationships are give and take. There are many things that I do for my spouse because he has expressed they are his needs and wants, in this life and our marriage.
I expressed mine. Is that so wrong?
Uhhhh.....say what?!?!?! :noway:
So you are saying that if he told you, you would look better with plastic surgery and breast implants that would be ok? Seriously?! I'm 22 and even I'm not the ignorant. Ugh! You sound so shallow it's ridiculous. I typically don't judge on here at all, but you make me want to scream. I gained almost 100 lbs in the 8 years I've been with my fiance, never once did he tell me I needed to lose weight. Also, as time goes on people age!!!! Duh!! You think you look the same as you did 7 years ago? Think again! :grumble: :mad: :explode:0
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