Food Nazi?

I wish my husband was still alive .... I miss him everyday, he was my best friend.... If you dont find him attractive now, 10lbs wont matter.... Be darn happy you have him today... there is no guarantee for tomorrow!

Also, @vanillabone I'm being so mean I suppose because she told her husband she's not attracted to him. Another woman said it, if it was her husband telling her that she was unattractive because of her weight the other girls would say oh he's a jerk, leave him, ect. So why can't the same thing apply to her? Never in my entire life would I even dream of telling my fiance he was unattractive, EVER. That's something that you don't do. Sure you can make suggestions about eating better, or working out together. My fiance and I lift together, weighin together, and eat healthy together, but I would have major resentment towards him if he just looked at me and told me I was unattractive then tried to bribe me with sex acts.

My point was, that if she had phrased her post differently, people would be accusing her husband of being a jerk, etc. I think we agree on that.
As far as telling someone they're not attractive, well, maybe it's something you don't do...But that doesn't mean that no relationship anywhere, ever could withstand it. Some people are motivated by painful truths. I have a relationship like that; sometimes the honesty hurts, but it's needed.

My husband always talked about how he would like to lose some weight, get rid of his belly, he even bought a Bowflex! I thought I was being nothing but supportive towards him. He needs motivation with anything, so we came up with some great mini bets- eg. bench "x" weight- get a BJ, lol, bank 3 workouts- get a BJ, and the big prize was when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs) he'd get one whole week of whatever he wants sexually, whenever he wants! We both win!

Now I love this man but I have told him that I don't find him sexually attractive at the weight he's at. I was honest. I am attracted to him, I love his insides but I don't exactly have the urge to rip off his clothes and ravage him. We are intimate and still have fun, but that sexual passion is lacking for me. We keep referring to his goal weight as "spoons on the floor" weight. Meaning, we can be in the kitchen washing and drying dishes, then next thing ya know is the spoons are on the floor and we are getting busy! lol

Ummmm, if you were a Dude and you had said this to your old lady, you would be slammed from forum to forum. You need to stop and think how you would feel if at 7lbs away from your goal weight hubby told you "sorry, you're too fat, I'm not attracted to you anymore" Cause you are probably making him feel like total ****e!

First off- I'd like to say that I don't think you are a terrible/unsupportive/Nazi spouse or any of that crap. You've worked your butt off -literally- to achieve your goals and I understand that you'd want your husband to jump on the bandwagon. Hotter sex? Heck yes. More confidence? Duh! Why would he resist putting in the effort to achieve such worthwhile goals?

I think the issue here is that he may view this as a competition - one that you've already won by loosing weight, while he's only seemed to pack it on. Of course he is going to feel a little down, maybe even jealous, maybe even pissed off because he's been in the same rut while you put in the effort and got results.

Men don't get verbal assurance from other men, like girls do from other girls. I mean, when was the last time you heard one guy compliment another on his shirt? (Ummmm.....try never) They need women to prop them up in moments of weakness, and although your heart was in the right place by being honest with your partner, he probably saw it as you kicking him while he's down....and that makes for a no-win situation for both of you.

What I would do in your situation is encourage him to work out with friends or join a sports team/gym class/hiking group...whatever floats his boat! That way, he'll be competing against other guys, venting his aggression/frustrations in a healthy way, and come home a happier person. All that friendly macho teasing between the guys could even come in handy - maybe they can give it to him straight and provide the motivation he needs to shape up. That way, you get out of having to nag him and can concentrate on embracing the role of his supporter - being the person that notices and gives compliments on the little improvements. Plus, being someone's cheerleader is much more fun!

I'm no relationship expert, but I have a feeling that you can find a solution to your dilemma without forking over the big bucks for professional help. You already found each other -perfect package or not- and that's a d*** hard thing to do in this day an age! Best of luck to you.

Um... you do realize that in a marriage or any long term relationships the sexual aspect will ebb and flow, right?

I love my husband, I am very physically attracted to him -- but I can go a while without having that "I MUST RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF" feeling. That's ME. Not him.

Why would you give a man you say you love a hard time over 10 freaking pounds? On somebody over 5'5-5'8, that isn't going to be a huge difference. Unless you expect him to lose 10 pounds from his gut which isn't realistic since you can't spot reduce fat.

If my husband stopped being attracted to me so much so that he openly admitted it and then tried to blame it entirely on my weight -- unless I'd gained oh, 75-100 pounds (or a number that made me look sustainability different), I would tell him to STFU and think I'd married a superficial jerk. I'm not saying that physical attraction isn't important, it is. But I think you have to remember it goes both ways. You don't like how he looks, he doesn't like how you are acting. In my book, treating somebody you claim to love poorly over how they look is a much worse offense than somebody gaining weight.

You all need to get to couple's therapy.

"Dropping the spoons" tends to happen a lot less once you have children, given a bed and a free hour most couple in the first year or 2 can find a better use for them than sex :laugh:

BMI is a nonsense.
Show me a Rugby (or football for those on the other side of the pond) player who's BMI would not suggest he was obese or morbidly obese.
At 5'5 and 210lbs your husband would have been bigger than was ideal and I understand your not wanting him to go back there. BUT 180 at 40 and 5'5 isn't bad at all. It's a weight at which you might want to come down a bit more but at which you'd probably feel you could relax a bit every now and then.

Which it sounds as though your husband has done, At 10 lbs off goal, he is probably closer to goal weight than you are at 7lbs off it. How would you feel if he was telling you these things?

The meal you describe as 1100 calories. Was this a party/ celebration? If so then I'm aghast that you think it's ok to criticise what he ate, even if he had asked you to do so on a normal day to day basis.
If not then I am aghast that this was food that was available in a household where you are trying to eat healthily. Who were the additional burgers, hot dogs and sides cooked for? Who placed this temptation in his way?

Seriously, if your aim is healthy lives and a healthy marriage then this is decidedly not the way to go about either. Whoever suggested that counselling would be a good idea is spot on.

Have you realised that it's not just him who is looking older as the years have gone by? It's everyone really. That's what years will do for a person. Perhaps you're only just getting to a point where you're realising the significance of the age gap?

I don't really think the type of honesty you've given him is something most people could cope with, or should have to cope with within a marriage. Marriage is for better and for worse, and in my humble opinion, you're just not in love with someone if this is something you feel the need to say to them.

You need to let him go so someone else can be happy with him, just the way he is. You can't make yourself want him and he can't make you want him. End it and get on with you life. This is a sad story. Life is too short to lead someone on,

I too am married to an older man... He is a few pounds more than what I think he should be... He exercises and tries to eat right - not always successfully with eating. That said, the OP is right. The older we get, the more difficult it is to lose weight and have that YOUNG body for which we strive. If you wanted a young body, you should have married a ten year old.

You need to worry about your own weight and be supportive and encouraging to your husband. BTW... sexual attraction changes over the course of a long marriage or relationship. You need to develop your emotional relationship to maintain a strong sexual relationsip. Your problems with your husband have less to do with his weight and more to do with whats in your head.

Get counseling...

Wow really....I think it's age that bothers you, more than the weight.
You referred to it as making him look older...he is 40.

Put him on here, so i can tell him to kick your selfish shallow *kitten* to the curb!

And for you, OP, to stop using sex as a bribe/a goal to achieve/a weapon.

Sex with someone who loves you does everything for brain, body, spirit, self confidence, and bonding of the relationship. I would never in a million years bargain with my spouse over sex. I'm either going to give it to him or not...and he's either going to give it to me or not. Ideally, we both should want to willingly and unreservedly reciprocate. Otherwise, it's pure and simple black mail.

I certainly wouldn't want my partner in all things crime related to tell me that he isn't going to make love to me (because that's what it should be!) because I ate a little over or I didn't reach the full 1 or 2 pounds for that week.

My concern is that he will get back to 210lbs.

You guys are taking the 10lbs out of proportion. It is his LAST 10lbs. It's the 30+lbs that I am not wanting back in our life because of his eating habits.

i don't think anyone is blowing this out of proportion. Because he's 10lbs overweight doesn't mean he's going to get back to 210lbs... I think you're being unfair and a bit ridiculous. I doubt his weight has anything to do with it, it sounds like you're making excuses. If you're doing well and being successful with your weight loss, and he doesn't take it as 'seriously' as you, it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing.
If he was bribing you with sex and saying that you're 10lbs overweight and he's not attracted to you, how would you feel? Yeahh.